3.31.2007

SaTURDay Snack

Hey Nibblets! I'm gonna make this quick, since I don't usually post on Saturdays, but I'm not hungover so I thought I'd give you a little something. I got tonnes of great news this week about The Skip-Raid; more people than I thought are reading this diarreaha and I couldn't be happier! I'm not being a c-u-next-tuesday when I say I really really love all of you and am totally grateful for all the hits. Thanks so so much!Moving on, I just found these pics of my future husband and I thought I'd share them with you. I'm not going to ask him to wear a tux on our wedding day because I wouldn't want to cover up the beauty that is his body. I mean, I got a great ass; ergo, I plan on wearing an assless dress. Why not? Free dinner and a show - that's my ideal wedding.Oooh, he's cool. Cool as ice, even. I bet he owns a pair of the sunglasses from the post below.

3.28.2007

America's Next Top Model - Week 5

First off, this ANTM post is dedicated to Angelica because she is one of the most dedicated ANTM people I know. I really should do more shout-outs at The Skip-Raid. Also, if you'll notice, I am allowing comments for this post because I live in a world where ANTM, talking about ANTM, thinking about ANTM, and making fun of ANTM takes up most of my brainspace. Moving on...
NOOOOOO!!! Diana "McRiblet" was kicked off ANTM last night. It was down to Diana and Whitney.

Alright, let's get to the photoshoot, shall we (click on the pictures below to see them in all their glory). This week the girls had to dress up like dudes and pose with some lady dudes. And guess who won? Natasha looks like so many thugs I went to school with, especially when she made a grill out of gum-package foil. That's how we do it in Durham!

And for every winner, we need a loser. And this week's loser is Diana. Nigel Barker said she looked like a mannequin, and I totally agree. She looks straight-up Sears Men's Formal. Actually, nix that; she looks like a mannequin from Pinstripe Menswear. You can get a whole suit there for $40!

I never thought I'd say it, but Dionne was the runner-up! Dionne?!?! I will admit, girl looked good this week. She fixed up, looked sharp!
Whoah! I thought ANTM worked on a closed set; how did everyone's uncle sneak in? Britanny looks so much like the drunk Skidooers that drop through the ice this time of the year up at my cottage. Anyways, Britanny looks like she/he has a dirty sac. Can you not imagine? I would not suck this guys dick for a million dollars (I am exaggerating; I would do it for nothing less than a $20 bill and a bag of Cheetos).

Jael looks like shit. I am ashamed at this shot. They should have made her the thug, although I'm afraid it would have come a little too easy to her (will beat someone's ass down for the last Pillsbury Pizza Pop, check).

Jaslene looks good.

Week after week, Renee looks like dookie. GO HOME AND LOOK AFTER YOUR SON! Your son doesn't want Mommy to play David Bowie dress-up, he wants you to make him a bowl of Spaghetti-O's. .

Sarah got 120 shots, and this was the best one. What would you give to see the crappiest ones? I would give anything.

And finally, we have Whitney. I love how confusing this picture is. Whitney is supposed to be "collegiate". She's like "I go to Dartmouth and I'm modeling myself after the president of the Frat house". Whaaa?

..And I hope you watched the "Next week on America's Next Top Model..." part at the end of the show! They go to a party and 50 Cent tells someone to step off. It looks like a must-watch episode!

Stop...Boner Time.

Holy crapping crap. I always thought Sam Rockwell was hot (see: Charlie's Angels. Christ, you know what part I'm talking about. When he has the sunglasses on and he's smoking and "Simon Says" by Pharoahe Monch is playing in the background; B-E-A-Yootiful). But are you taking a look at this? MollyGood.com has posted pics Jane Magazine took at Sundance of a bunch of celebrities. Most of them are soooooo boring (hello, DJ AM. When was he considered a celebrity and not just a star-fucker?)
Anyways, long story short, boner story long, Sam Rockwell is this week's Boner Time. Enjoy.

3.27.2007

How Much I Love Taco Bell

Now, anybody who knows me knows I loves me some Taco Bell. There's nothing better than a 2 Soft Taco Supreme combo with Fries Supreme. And let's save the jokes about diarreah and the Taco Shits; I have such iron bowels that Taco Bell is like water to me. Nothing happens, no need for Pepto. It's hard to put into words how much I really love Taco Bell (well, not really. This comes pretty close). When I saw this picture in the Craigslist.org jokes forum, I went "that is no joke; that's the visual representation of how I feel for the 'Bell". I think the joke attatched was something like "Now thats what I call fast food!! H'yuk h'yuk" (what a knee slapper - look out Roman Danylo from Comedy Inc). So there you go. It's a good thing I don't drive, because this would be my car. Actually, no; I would never drive a truck. Imagine the guy driving the truck?
"Fuckin' shit! I just wanted a got-dang gorditta!"

3.23.2007

Stop...Boner Time.

If you are anything like me, your world revolves around Pete Doherty. What a piece. Anyways, here is a picture of Gorgeous Petey in some French magazine. They show tonnes of peens in French magazines, so I was kinda bummed out that Petey is covering his junk. He should have used a tube-sock like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Anyways, I hope he's a grower, cause his hand doesn't look significantly filled. Know what's weird? Doherty is only 27. I thought he was older than that. Anyways, in case you were wondering; no, I'm not posting those pictures of Kate Moss' huge weird nipples. You can look at them on Egotastic.com. If you dare!! It looks like a hampster is living on her boob.

3.22.2007

Nooo!!! Not Jeffy!!

Joe Mathlete Explains Today's Marmaduke is probably one of my favorite blogs ever. Here is what I know about Joe Mathlete:
a) he is from Texas
b) he is very clever
c) he is in a band called The Mathletes
d) he is tall (I'd like to think he is tall)
e) he hates Marmaduke (don't we all, really)
Anyways, he has another blog where he'll draw you anything you want on an index card. A while back, he drew me one!! I was so excited when it came in the mail, I shit my pants twice. Here it is: It rocked the casbah. I have to give big-ups to my friend Ingela who invented the term "soul boner". Anyways, here he has combined Marmaduke AND drawing on index cards. This is my favorite:But, this one is a close second:

3.21.2007

3 Highschool movies I should have seen in Highschool

Do you remember back to 1998 and 1999 when it seemed as though Hollywood was releasing a shitstorm of Teen movies? Yeah, me neither. I was too busy watching 'Welcome to the Dollhouse' and 'Life is Beautiful'. Apparently I missed out on part of my teenage childhood by watching these 3 movies last year, when I was well out of highschool (actually, one of them I watched last weekend). Anyways, here's 3 movies that ruled in Highschool and suck so much ass now that you've left.

SHITTY TEEN ROMANCE
I can't believe people were all about this movie in Highschool. Seriously. I remember one time faking that I'd seen it (cause I was trying to be cool, of course). It took everything inside me to not barf everytime I said "I totally wish I looked like Rachael Leigh Cook" or "Freddie Prinze Jr. is such a hottie!". Albeit that Freddie Prinze Jr. was pretty handsome, but at the time I had a huge crush on Lukas Haas and Jesse Camp. Moving on, She's All That is such a piece of garbage. Was I the only one who thought Rachael Leigh Cook looked better when she was a "spunky artist"? Paul Walker is a turd sandwich. The only part I enjoyed was Matthew Lillard as the Real World castmember; getting kicked off and then doing nothing with his life and trying to ride out his 15 minutes of fame. That's sort of a metaphor for everyone in She's All That; desperately clinging to their 15 minutes.

THE MOVIE I WAS WATCHING WHILE THIS MOVIE WAS THE SHIT:
Audrey Hepburn starred in My Fair Lady, the movie which She's All That was based on. However, Audrey's better movie was Breakfast At Tiffany's, where she played a batshit crazy poor girl pretending to be rich. I watched this movie when I was 14 and all of a sudden I was like "I want to be that!" and my Mom was like "what, a crazy girl who escapes her country bumpkin marriage and lives in the city with a weird cat?". Yes, that's exactly what I wanted to be. Look, everything about Breakfast At Tiffany's is better than She's All That. Better acting, better setting. Plus, "Kiss Me" will never compare to Audrey Hepburn singing "Moon River". Watch that scene and tell me you don't want that song at your wedding/funeral.

SHITTY TEEN DRAMA
I remember kids in Highschool thinking this movie was the risque-est of the teen movies. I remembered not giving a shit about a crappy remake of Dangerous Liasons. All I heard about for weeks was "Sarah Michelle Gellar kisses a girl! Ryan Phillippe has sex in a pool!" Wow, fantastic. Ryan Phillippe has dirtbag hair. I see. Well then, looks like I'm not rushing out to see that. This movie would have been okay if it weren't for Selma Blair's shitty acting in it. Unbelievable. How can someone with such great style and hilarious hair and dated Jason Schwartzman be so crappy at the reason why she is famous? This movie is so terribly boring too. If I wanted shitty teen actors being pompus and self-indulgent, I would have watched "Dawson's Creek".

THE MOVIE I WAS WATCHING WHILE THIS MOVIE WAS THE SHIT: Okay, so Glenn Close was in Dangerous Liasons with John Malkovich (Maaalkovich!!) which I have never actually seen. But I did see Fatal Attraction, which KICKS SO MUCH ASS. Seriously, I don't like the Michael Douglas very much, what with the marrying Catherine Beta-Zeta or whatever. But The Douglas is so tough in this movie. He cheats on his wife with Glenn Close and is like "okay Ho, that was that. Don't call me" and she gets so crazy-obsessed with him and his family. I was so freaked out at the scene where he goes to the bunny pen outside and then runs into the kitchen and his little girl is screaming! Oh god, that is psycho. At one point in time, FOX29 was showing Fatal Attraction almost every Sunday for some odd reason, and for an even more strange reason my Mom and I watched it every single time it was on.

SHITTY TEEN HORROR
You know you are watching a shitty horror movie when you are sitting there with all the lights off, 3am, and you are so bored out of your mind you would kill for a shooting outside your window. When I watched The Ring with my best friend, we had to sleep with the lights on all night (and it's not even that scary a movie). But I Know What You Did Last Summer was so laughable. The only one I felt sorry for was Johnny "David Healy on Roseanne" Galecki. When he got killed, I was like "Aw, don't worry buddy. You were too good for this shitty movie".

THE MOVIE I WAS WATCHING WHILE THIS MOVIE WAS THE SHIT:Okay, if you are going to watch a movie about the popular highschool kids getting killed, watch Carrie. This movie made me so scared to go to highschool when I saw it. Every creepy religious kid I saw could turn on my ass at any moment. One time, this girl I knew said that one of the creepy girls used to kill bunnies with her tractor. Shit! She's just practising for our prom!! I'm next! Carrie is such a sick movie. Who quotes I Know What You Did Last Summer? That's right, no one. There's nothing funnier than going "they're all gonna laugh at you!" in a high-pitched voice and then doing the Carrie-head-turn (when she is using her powers) and making the sound of the strings in the background like "meeep!" really quick.

3.19.2007

Happy O'Monday

So, did everyone have a nice St.Patrick's Day? I sure did, not one green beer at all, and no hangover. Anyways, today there will be no cool post; I have my reasons and they are personal.

Editor's Note: The "personal" reasons are actually quite simple. "Someone" didn't get to sleep last night 'till 4:30 am because they watched DodgeBall: A True Underdog Story, The People VS Larry Flynt, and 54 on TV. Then "they" proceeded to wake up at 2 in the afternoon. "Someone" is getting written-up today as a big-time loser.

Okay, anyways, 54 is a pretty decent movie. Maybe I'll write about that.

Editor's Note: No, you won't.

3.18.2007

Little Victories!

So I found out this weekend that Friday's readership numbers have been my highest yet and that I have a few subscribers. People, I know this may come as a surprise, but I am just like you. I don't live in a crystal castle like many of you think. I put my pants on one leg at a time. And when I get good news like this, I am very excited. I can't thank you enough for reading! You deserve a pat on the back; treat yourself to a beer or two and send the bill to Jesus c/o the Pentagon.

3.15.2007

Where Puppies Come From

Now, I don't know about you, but I believe that kids should learn about the birds and the bees as soon as possible. But who did I learn about sex from? Not from my parents, that's who.I learned it from television. I was really into Pound Puppies at the time and good news for my parents, they did a show about where puppies come from. Puppy production and Baby production really have the same mechanics involved (we're not talking about starfish or marmosets here) so it's easy to relate it to kids. Luckily, I found the 'Very Special Pound Puppies Episode' on YouTube. Cooler here explains it the best way kids can learn anything; through song. It's really great...he explains the birds and the bees through to the tune of the little Italian ditty "O Sole Mio". This video will set any kids straight on the lies about the Stork or the Cabbage Patch. A puppy/baby is the product of a Mom and a Dad getting married and riding a gondola through Rome. My PhysEd teacher told me it was when a penis reacts from the friction of vaginal walls during copulation and releases semen which swims through the cervix and uterus where it implants itself into an ovum, which in turn splits a cell into several cells which form a fetus. What the Hell was my PhysEd teacher smoking? Penis? Uterus? Someone needs to tell her that all you need is a plate of spaghetti and "smooching". Take it from a pro; an animated terrier/hound mix named Cooler.

3.13.2007

Speaking of cats...

Meet Rap Cat, the mascot of the Left-Side Drive-Thru at Checkers. We don't have any Checkers in Canada, and it's no wonder; Americans wouldn't let one of their beloved fast-food burger babies leave the nest (those babies being Checkers, Krystal, Sonic, In-N-Out, White Castle, Long John Silvers, Big Boy, Hardees, Carl's Jr, Jack-In-The-Box, etc etc etc the list goes on). Anyways, here is Rap Cat on YouTube. He rips the shit up!!

Free Cats 'till Sunday! Get 'em while they're hot!

People, if there is something very dear and close to my heart, it's shelter pets. Shelter pets are too cute and want love all the time (I think it's cause they are deprived of it at the shelter). Anyways, in honour of the soon-to-be opening of the 'Cat Sky House' (whatever the fuck that is), the Toronto Humane Society is waiving all cat adoption fees this week till Sunday March 18th. Now people, let's not go into the shelter expecting to take home these:You're gonna something a little closer to this: But if a half-dead Cujo cat isn't your thing, then keep looking. You will eventually get to the good cats. Here's a little taste of what you're gonna get: Little EnzoCheck out Little Enzo's complete profile here. He is a cutie. And, if his name is any indication, he's Italian. You know what that means? Sweet Mafia Hookups. This cat will get you a new porch on your house and your boss whacked in the same week he's brought home. All jokes aside, this cat is goddamn adorable.

Long story short, get a cat today!

3.09.2007

TGIF-U

Brandon Davis is the epitome of the perfect man. Look at that face. Shame on dListed and Perez for nicknaming him "Fat Elvis". I would do him in a second...and by "do", I mean "I should probably see a therapist."

3.08.2007

Peace Out, Antonella Barba

Antonella "balls between the legs" Barba was voted off America's most reliable talent show, American Idol, this evening. It was just precious when she lost - you could see it in her eyes that she was beyond happy. She knew she sucked too much to win Idol, so now she can finally pursue her true calling; porn, porn, and more porn. Peace Out, Antonella. We'll keep our eyes open for 'Americum Thighdol: The Search for a Superwhore' on the top shelf at our mini-mart rental section. Sorry, that was not very clever; I clearly don't know how to turn something into a porn title.

America's Next Top Model - Week 2


It's Thursday, which means that last night was America's Next Top Model, and let's just say Miss J and Tyra did not dissapoint. The episode theme was HighSchool, which can be pretty lame when you get a bunch of old hos pretending to be cheerleaders, but it wasn't that bad. Again, I think it's because Cycle 8's girls are sooo boring! The only one that is stirring it up is Jaslene, but I think she might be predisposed to drama. Anyways, they had to do a prom fashion show for a bunch of HighSchoolers and their parents and lo-and-behold, Sarah wasn't getting enough attention in the back there, so during the next walk down the catwalk, she flashed everyone with not one, but TWO nip-slips. Hell, it wasn't even a nip-slip; girlfriend's bewbs were all out there for the whole time. She was like "I didn't want to seem unprofessional by stopping and putting them back in". Um, unprofessional? That's like me sitting in a job interview with my legs open the whole time and saying I didn't close them because "I didn't want to seem fidgety".

Anyways, here is last night's photoshoot. I'll start with the winner, Jaslene:
HighSchool Archetype: The Weird Girl
Wow, this was me in HS? I didn't realize we were such meth heads. Fuck, that's what they should have done! They are missing the HighSchool Meth Dealer!


...and now the loser, Samantha:
HighSchool Archetype: The School Slut
I have to give credit to the art director on this shoot; this looks eerily like our HS slut. The only thing missing is a dolphin tattoo above her ass.

...and here's the rest.
Brittany
HighSchool Archetype: The Valedictorian
I guess, but what is with that shirt? At our school, Valedictorian was like Prom King; a popularity contest. Something tells me this girl isn't as popular as she should be. I think they are going for 'smart' or 'Christmas present' or something.

Cassandra
HighSchool Archetype: The Cheerleader
This looks like everyone's mom on Halloween; a little too 70's and a little too bra-less. Okay, you know in FAME when Coco goes to that guy's apartment and he's like "you wanna be a star, don't you?" and she's like "uh-hm..." and starts crying as she takes off her shirt? Oh yeah, totally heartbreaking, but doesn't this look like a picture that would have come out of that photoshoot?!?

Diana
HighSchool Archetype: The Class President
This shot is so HOT! Look how snobby bitch looks! That is some serious cut-eye! Also, I love how absolutely not-HighSchool she looks in this shot. It looks like she is running for Senior Event Planner at her office.

Dionne
HighSchool Archetype: The Class Bad-Ass
I thought this shot was supposed to be "The Class Lil Kim". She looks like she will cut a teacher if they get up in her face.

Felicia
HighSchool Archetype: The Jock
They should have given her a lacross stick.

Jael
HighSchool Archetype: The Nerd
This looks nothing like a highschool girl-nerd. Jael is missing the thick glasses, the acne, the no-bewbs, long dull hair, sweatpants, Pokemon cards, long dirty fingernails, no knowledge of what a 'tampon' is, a letter from her parents excusing her from the SexEd portion of gym class. THAT is your highschool girl-nerd. Jael looks so cute in this one, though (cute for a total fucking weirdo).

Natasha
HighSchool Archetype: The Teacher's Pet
AHAHAHAHAH!! This one was amazing!!! She was like "Vat is thees Ticher's Pat? I don't know of thees". She was so dumb. After awhile, Jay was just like "you know what Natasha? Just do what the models in the magazines do, okay?" WTF? Who don't know what Teacher's Pet means? Oh right...someone from Russia. Like my roomate says "Natasha would be better for English Class' Next Top Model". Oh, Natasha.

Renee
HighSchool Archetype: The Class Clown
Okay, I get it...she's supposed to be a clown. Why not just put a wig and a red nose on her too? (Wait...don't. I'm ascared of clowns). Anyways, Renee is such a C-U-Next-Tuesday and I can't wait for her stay-at-home-mom-ass gets the boot back to Middle America where she belongs. SHE HAS A KID!!! Go be a mom!

Sarah
HighSchool Archetype: The Class Flirt
Isn't this the same as The Class Slut? Like Twiggy said, she crosses the line from Fashion Magazine to Men's Magazine. This shot is so crappy, it's FHM (the poorman's MAXIM).

Whitney
HighSchool Archetype: The Mean Girl
You mean, the Oprah Audience Member, right?

3.07.2007

I'm Sowwy

Hello Muffins
I cannot appologize enough for slacking with the posts as of late. You have to understand - I was offered more shifts at work, and until yous guys start making with the cashola left in an envelope at my doorstep, work takes priority. So, my dears, time to make with the yakkety-yak.

3.04.2007

Tips for buying an engagement ring

Getting married is scary stuff. Seriously; welcome to what my dad calls your "no-more-sex" years (just kidding. If my dad actually said the word 'sex' in front of me, I'd stab myself in the face). Forget what television and Hollywood has taught you; the hardest part isn't the dress or booking a band or losing your virginity on your wedding night. It's getting a great ring, people. 'Cause let's face it, girls love money and guys love saying "look what I bought". So, here's a heads up on what ring will get you married, what ring will get you laid, and what ring will keep you alone in your mom's basement for years to come.

This is an ideal ring if you want to be married for a while. It's pretty and sparkly and probably costs alot of dollars. This is also a a perfect ring to use as leverage when you are getting divorced 3 years later.

This ring says "I'm an artsy asshole who is filled to the brim with pretention". I think that this engagement ring once belonged to the yuppie couple from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.("How did the stereo get smashed, Todd?" - "I don't KNOW Margo...")

Unless you are dating Stavros Niachros or The King of Siam, this ring is 100% fake. It was bought at one of those mall booths for $30.

This ring is missing its diamond, which means it was stolen. Probably from Oliver Jewelers. (Oh Yeeaaah!)

This is a moodring and you are a hippie. If your marriage is performed by your dog, Izzy, then I can guarantee you your marriage is not legally binding.

Celtic rings are popular amongst guys who like Great Big Sea. If you are dating a guy who likes Great Big Sea, I suggest you get out while you still can.

Ah, the class ring. Girls, I know your dream is to marry a hot football QB, but hold out honey...

This is a Ringtailed Lemur. It does not symbolize the holy union of marriage. It just has like, 20 rings on its tail (which means it has 20 more rings than you, you unwanted lonely spinster)

This ring will guarantee you that nobody will swipe your virginity, my precious.Whoah, not so fast. That one has the same message.

Gay people have cooler rings than we do.

This ring says "I was the Dark Prince of Highschool Beatings".

Hungry people look at this and wish it was this...so seriously, if your girlfriend is hungry, just get her a side of onion rings. She'll thank you later by filling the room with the perfume of oniony farts.