3.21.2007

3 Highschool movies I should have seen in Highschool

Do you remember back to 1998 and 1999 when it seemed as though Hollywood was releasing a shitstorm of Teen movies? Yeah, me neither. I was too busy watching 'Welcome to the Dollhouse' and 'Life is Beautiful'. Apparently I missed out on part of my teenage childhood by watching these 3 movies last year, when I was well out of highschool (actually, one of them I watched last weekend). Anyways, here's 3 movies that ruled in Highschool and suck so much ass now that you've left.

SHITTY TEEN ROMANCE
I can't believe people were all about this movie in Highschool. Seriously. I remember one time faking that I'd seen it (cause I was trying to be cool, of course). It took everything inside me to not barf everytime I said "I totally wish I looked like Rachael Leigh Cook" or "Freddie Prinze Jr. is such a hottie!". Albeit that Freddie Prinze Jr. was pretty handsome, but at the time I had a huge crush on Lukas Haas and Jesse Camp. Moving on, She's All That is such a piece of garbage. Was I the only one who thought Rachael Leigh Cook looked better when she was a "spunky artist"? Paul Walker is a turd sandwich. The only part I enjoyed was Matthew Lillard as the Real World castmember; getting kicked off and then doing nothing with his life and trying to ride out his 15 minutes of fame. That's sort of a metaphor for everyone in She's All That; desperately clinging to their 15 minutes.

THE MOVIE I WAS WATCHING WHILE THIS MOVIE WAS THE SHIT:
Audrey Hepburn starred in My Fair Lady, the movie which She's All That was based on. However, Audrey's better movie was Breakfast At Tiffany's, where she played a batshit crazy poor girl pretending to be rich. I watched this movie when I was 14 and all of a sudden I was like "I want to be that!" and my Mom was like "what, a crazy girl who escapes her country bumpkin marriage and lives in the city with a weird cat?". Yes, that's exactly what I wanted to be. Look, everything about Breakfast At Tiffany's is better than She's All That. Better acting, better setting. Plus, "Kiss Me" will never compare to Audrey Hepburn singing "Moon River". Watch that scene and tell me you don't want that song at your wedding/funeral.

SHITTY TEEN DRAMA
I remember kids in Highschool thinking this movie was the risque-est of the teen movies. I remembered not giving a shit about a crappy remake of Dangerous Liasons. All I heard about for weeks was "Sarah Michelle Gellar kisses a girl! Ryan Phillippe has sex in a pool!" Wow, fantastic. Ryan Phillippe has dirtbag hair. I see. Well then, looks like I'm not rushing out to see that. This movie would have been okay if it weren't for Selma Blair's shitty acting in it. Unbelievable. How can someone with such great style and hilarious hair and dated Jason Schwartzman be so crappy at the reason why she is famous? This movie is so terribly boring too. If I wanted shitty teen actors being pompus and self-indulgent, I would have watched "Dawson's Creek".

THE MOVIE I WAS WATCHING WHILE THIS MOVIE WAS THE SHIT: Okay, so Glenn Close was in Dangerous Liasons with John Malkovich (Maaalkovich!!) which I have never actually seen. But I did see Fatal Attraction, which KICKS SO MUCH ASS. Seriously, I don't like the Michael Douglas very much, what with the marrying Catherine Beta-Zeta or whatever. But The Douglas is so tough in this movie. He cheats on his wife with Glenn Close and is like "okay Ho, that was that. Don't call me" and she gets so crazy-obsessed with him and his family. I was so freaked out at the scene where he goes to the bunny pen outside and then runs into the kitchen and his little girl is screaming! Oh god, that is psycho. At one point in time, FOX29 was showing Fatal Attraction almost every Sunday for some odd reason, and for an even more strange reason my Mom and I watched it every single time it was on.

SHITTY TEEN HORROR
You know you are watching a shitty horror movie when you are sitting there with all the lights off, 3am, and you are so bored out of your mind you would kill for a shooting outside your window. When I watched The Ring with my best friend, we had to sleep with the lights on all night (and it's not even that scary a movie). But I Know What You Did Last Summer was so laughable. The only one I felt sorry for was Johnny "David Healy on Roseanne" Galecki. When he got killed, I was like "Aw, don't worry buddy. You were too good for this shitty movie".

THE MOVIE I WAS WATCHING WHILE THIS MOVIE WAS THE SHIT:Okay, if you are going to watch a movie about the popular highschool kids getting killed, watch Carrie. This movie made me so scared to go to highschool when I saw it. Every creepy religious kid I saw could turn on my ass at any moment. One time, this girl I knew said that one of the creepy girls used to kill bunnies with her tractor. Shit! She's just practising for our prom!! I'm next! Carrie is such a sick movie. Who quotes I Know What You Did Last Summer? That's right, no one. There's nothing funnier than going "they're all gonna laugh at you!" in a high-pitched voice and then doing the Carrie-head-turn (when she is using her powers) and making the sound of the strings in the background like "meeep!" really quick.