4.24.2007

Count Kikula does Spider Man 3

It's that time again. That's right, time to bust those "Tobey Maguire hates working with Kirsten Dunst" rumours and get World-wide and promote Spider Man 3. Now, I know Kiki gets quite a bit of flack from the fashion world for looking like a Homeless Vampire, but I disagree. Nobody works Homeless Vampire better than Count Kikula. Let's explore her Spider Man 3 promo wardrobe choices thus far, shall we?

I imagine that vampires sleep in wispy cloth cocoons upside down in people's closets. Leave it to Keek to have the prettiest cocoon of the bunch. I imagine her ripping through the top when she wakes up, hair a mess, arms akimbo. Screaming for blood and vodka and Camels.

Keek is dressing exactly how I think my mother wishes I would dress; longsleeve turtlenecks and pleated knee-grazing skirts. The Keekster looks great, but I can't quite put my finger on why this outfit looks so familiar...hmm....what could it be...ah yes, Sleeping Beauty's Malificent.

Keek, you just called this one in, didn't you? What a dullsville dress. Kiki, I'm trying to defend you here and you show up like you sucked the blood of a David's Bridal shift manager. It looks like Keek was flying around the mall all night, sucking blood and slugging back 26-ers of Absolut. Then her manager calls and is like "Kirsten, where are you? You're supposed to be at a Spider Man premier". And she's like "oh shit!" and McGyver's a dress out of a GladBag and a Value Village Hallowe'en Witch wig.

"Christ, what time is it?!? I would kill for a 26-er of Absolut and a pack of Camels. Jesus, wasn't I holding a Fiji bottle filled with blood? Where is that thing? Woo, I would love a hot meal or a bottle of cough syrup or something."
Keek is looking a little skinny in this picture. No wonder Tobey Maguire is nowhere to be seen; homeboy doesn't want to succumb to a hungover Kiki.
PS - this picture was taken hours after Kiki left a club wasted out ouf her mind with Razorlight.Whoah, I know you are immortal, but take it easy on the booze girl. Sheild those peepers Keek! Vampires can't take light to the eyes.

So let's hope Count Kikula gives us some more fashion hits while she tours Europe promoting Spider Man 3. Maybe she'll make a pit-stop in Transylvania, who knows. Maybe she'll kill Razorlight for blood or vodka or Vicodins or something.
Viva La Keek!

4.23.2007

Stairway Denied

So, today was supposed to be the day of reckoning, The Hills aftershow. My sister had been lining up since 3pm with her friend Steph. They don't let people in till 6pm. When I showed up, they were number 550 of about 2000 people. Stairway Denied. We waited till 5pm, at which point a terrential downpour starts and we all say 'fuck it. Not worth it'. People, i cannot describe this lineup. It was at least 4 people wide and a city block long. Jesus LC Christ. Seriously, if for some weird reason Lauren Conrad is reading this, girl do not take this the wrong way; you are not worth waiting in the rain with a bunch of scuzzabutt hoodrats. You know who the real A-holes are though? Jessi Cruickshank and Dan Levy. Not only do they get to meet n' greet LC, Walt Whitman, and Audrina, but they don't have to wait in the rain and get all smelly and damp with their make-up getting all Alice Cooper.



4.22.2007

The Hills Finale

Well, It's that time! The last episode of the Hills on tomorrow night and guess who gets to go to the aftershow? That's right, me and my sister. I am so pumped, you have no idea. If anyone has any good questions either my sister or myself should ask, then leave it in the comments section. But otherwise, I am a little pissed that Heidi won't be there, but you know. She has new boobies, so Spencer probably wants to spend some time with them. Alright, peace out! I'll have a post about it tomorrow.

4.15.2007

Little Quick Monday Post

Hello Darlins
This post has to be kept short because I have a shitload of work to do. What work? What work, my ass, I'm a busy bee. Anyways here are two things that get a thumbs up from me this weekend.
And yes, I know I skipped out on my Asshole Weekend Preview on Friday. Don't worry, I have a story about Assholes from this weekend.

1. Gopher trapped in a wellWhat can I say? It's a gopher. It's a well. It's a gopher trapped in a well. It sorta looks like a chunky person. I love him.

2. This Craigslist ad:Feel free to click on the image to read it in detail, but let me paraphrase it for you:
- kittens for sell
- there are 7 kitten
- need to get rude of you
Check out the seller's email too. I NEVER put my real email on Craigs. I always use that non-trace-back fake-out number like "comm-311764369@craigslist.org". Seriously, Jessie Madere, maybe get something a little more professional than: jessiemadere6969@yahoo.com?
Like, this has to be a joke, right? People, I have a challenge for you. Email jessiemadere6969@yahoo.com and find out if this person is a) real and b) ask how many kitten she has left for sell.

4.12.2007

They are registered at Mystic Tan and California Meth Labs Inc.

So a while ago Pretzel Hilton posted a not-so-blind item. It was pretty hard to guess who it was, but I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be Lindsay Lohan. I am of course kidding. When Perez Hilton prints a not-so-blind item, he makes it so obvious the Amish guess who it is mid-sentance. Anyways, so here is further proof that Lindsay Lohan is dating DJ-Press Play herself, Samantha Ronson. Lohan claimed to be in Japan to shoot a Jill Stuart ad (by "shoot" she means "snort", and by "Jill Stuart ad" she means "a shitload of coke off a panda bear"). But here she is DJ-ing with Ronson in Japan, no Jill Stuart in sight. Now, this does not mean they are dating. Something tells me its more like Lohan hangs out with Ronson not because she has a crush on her but to try to look cool. "Hey guys, look at me! I can totally DJ!!" and then Ronson comes back from the washroom and is like "hey, don't touch the ones and twos!"
Anyways, let's pretend they are actually dating. One time I dated a guy who was an alcoholic and was always high on shrooms. He used to steal from the grocery store and one time took a dump on the sidewalk. I bet that that's sorta what it's like to date Lindsay Lohan; erradic behaviour all the damn time.

Kurt Vonnegut, Heaven's Craziest Angel (next to Hunter S. Thompson)

There you have it. At 84, Kurt Vonnegut has passed on and left all of us here on Earth. What a sweetheart. If you haven't read anything by Vonnegut, then shame on you, what have you been reading?!? I suggest getting your hands on Slaughter-House Five, stat, and starting from there. We'll miss you, V-Gut. Just be glad knowing you passed on before Sophie Kinsella could write another piece of shit for the Shopoholic series. This is just such a sad time for literature. Seriously. The most popular books are about dumb idiots going shopping and The DaVinci Code. Ew, just saying the title of that book made me barf in my mouth a little bit. Dear Jesus: can you take Dan Brown's typewriter up to Heaven next?

4.11.2007

America's Next Top Model - Week 7

Okay, so this week on ANTM was pretty uneventful. The best thing about it was seeing Natasha try to pronounce things in English, but we'll get to that in a minute. But first off, the grossest thing about this week's show was Brittany got her ugly-ass weave clipped out, and then slept with it beside her bed. Gross. It looked like a MaltiPoo dipped in red paint. This week we also found out that Renee's kid is named Troy, Natasha's kid is named Angelina, and Dionne's kid's name is Ta'kya. I'm going to take this time to say that Renee's baby Troy was ADORABLE!! He was so cute, I could barely control myself.
But yeah, so this week's show had an acting theme, which was beyond redonkulous. Holy shit, I was so embarrassed when Tia Mowry made them put on those hats and act out characters. Regardless, it was nice to see Sister Sister get some work outside of a Doublemint gum commerical or a Clean & Clear ad. After Tia peaced out, it seemed it couldn't get anymore "actor desperate for work", then Efren "Vote 4 Pedro" Ramirez shows up. He was supposed to be their acting coach but he was really just reading lines with them. The best thing he said was "I am a character actor". Really? what characters would those be? The character he played in Ashlee Simpson's 'Didn't Steal your Boyfriend' video? Of course, desperation comes in three's and Jesus gave us the photoshoot. Santa Maria, the photoshoot!! Night of 1000 has-beens and a million never-was'es. They brought back 7 ghosts of ANTM, I guess as some kind of outreach program or something. Like 'Out of the Cold' for the Homeless, they brought some needy models in for a hot meal and a handful of spare change and got them to pose in a few pictures with the models. This week's winner was my girl DionneIt was hilarious when they were like "you gotta kiss a girl". She went from Top Model to Top Dionne and got all up in urrbody's face with "I don't even kiss my boyfriend!!" Between that and her bitching about her baby's hair ("who did these shit braids in my baby's hair?!?") Dionne never lets me down.


But like always, there can only be one loser, and this week's loser was the McRib herself...Whitney.
I loved when Whitney was like "Maybe it's time I explore some other career avenues". Yeah - AGREED. You've seen the best, now let's look at the rest.

Jael was ALMOST kicked off last night and this picture shows it. Remember when Jael was so good? Look at this! She looks terrible. Jael NEEDS to lay off the weed.

Renee is the only one showing off the shoes. Did I mention that the photoshoot was sponsored by Payless shoes? Take a good look at Dionne's and tell me you can see the shoes. I can't believe I am saying this for the second week in a row, but Renee looks really good in this shot!! Maybe she was just a huge bitch at the beginning because she missed her baby...aw, eff it, she's still a huge bitch. If this was my in the shot, there would be a huge pee stain on my jeans. I HATE the dentist.

Tyra was right in saying that Jaslene started out so good and now she is boring. Where is Cha Cha Diva?

What. Is. On. Natasha's. Face.

Oh my God, remember the twins?!? They were so pretty! I loved them on the show. Ew, except for the time they did the circus side-show photoshoot and they made them siamese twins joined at the head. Was that not the creepiest looking photo you have ever seen? Oh yeah, Brittany. She looks a little "candidate for a nose job" in this shot.

Thats it for this week! Who will get the door next week? I'm putting my money on Jael or Jaslene. Who will win?!?! This is getting unpredictable. Well, the only thing that is predictable is what will happent to the winner: a Seventeen cover and then straight to the mall food court with a handfull of resumes.

4.09.2007

Happy Monday Night/Tuesday Morning

Hey Babies
How was your Easter weekend? Mine was good. I ate lots of bunnies, and not the chocolate kind (Alex Forrest, nooo!!). Anyways, a good weekend was had by all, but I will be honest; I missed your skank asses. Today gets un petit peu of an update as I have many things to do. I start a new job tomorrow so I have to lay out my outfit tonight. Plus, you know what's on tonight...THE HILLS SEASON 2 SEASON FINALE!!! Just for funzies, I threw in a picture of LC with Douche McWahler because he is trying to sell their sex tape before he gets sent to the pokey. Anyways, tonight MTV canada, channel 52. 10pm. Jesse. Dan. The rest. Should be a grand old time. Annie, if you're reading this, I better get a full essay on Facebook concerning your thoughts on the LC/Heidi/Spencer issues.
UPDATE!!! The Hills season finale is April 23 and I am praying to Jebus that I get to go to the MTV taping of it. I WOULD DIE TO GO!!!

4.05.2007

Enjoy the long weekend. See you on Tuesday!

So this weekend is Easter weekend. I plan on taking a much needed holiday up north. Maybe I'll hit up Santa's Village, who knows. Anyways, if you are in the city this weekend, I suggest checking out Gross Negligence at the Steamwhistle Brewery. It's free and it's a great photo exhibition. Plus, its at a brewery, so all you alcoholics can take advantage of that.My cousin is showing in it, and you can buy anything you like. That is, if you have the dough. I went with 3 dollars, so needless to say I left with a beer, not a piece of art.
In other news, I won't be updating till Tuesday. I'm sorry, I know this will be hard, but we'll make it through. In my absence I have compiled a few of my favorite articles from The Onion. Enjoy, and I'll see you all Tuesday. have a great long weekend!!

Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter 'Worth The Wait' For Christian Newlyweds

Insane Clown Posse Gets Ride To Concert From Mom

McDonald's Drops 'Hammurderer' Character From Advertising

Dane Cook Parlays New Burger King Menu Item Into Hour-Long HBO Special

Graphic Artist Carefully Assigns Ethnicities To Anthropomorphic Recyclables

Horrified Teen Stumbles Upon Divorced Mom's Personal Ad

Teens 'Going To Town' With Restaurant Comment Cards

Fourth-Graders' Button-Making-Machine Privileges Suspended Indefinitely

10-Percent Tip Teaches Waitress Valuable Lesson

America's Next Top Model - Week 6

So here we go again. Last week I was so hopeful that someone was gonna get drowned in that swimming pool, and yet all we get is Jael and Natasha swimming around like drunk fools. The real excitement this week was that the girls had to choose nicknames for themselves. Twiggy and Melrose gave them a little lesson about how to shorten their names or play off facial or body features or some shit. Jael and Jaselen kept their names, because they are pretty cool to begin with. Whitney chose not to go with McRib, which was probably a good decision. And of course, my girl Dionne chose Wholihay (WHOO-lee-hay). Seriously, I could have fooled around with names like Lil' Grillz or Mama Stut and NEVER would I have come up with something as funny as Wholihay.So, Dionne won this week's challenge, and I'm glad. Girl has got her shit together. Her prize was getting to be in a Keds ad with Whitney and Cha Cha Diva/Jaslene. I can't believe I'm saying this, but if Keds had their shit together, they would fire Mischa Barton and hire Dionne. Okay, that's all the compliments I give. Let's start the haterade!!So the winner this week was Jael, and I couldn't be happier. Jael was so fierce during her shoot and fucking nailed every shot. I want to know who does the PhotoShop work on ANTM, because if you had seen the show last night you would have been terrified by Jael's skin. It was like she bought her foundation at the dollar store (she might have though).

And because there are no real winners on ANTM, this week's ultimate loser is Sarah. I am so glad she's gone. She was dullsville from the very beginning. Also, Moe?!? That is the lamest name I have ever heard. That's what you name a golden retriever. Anyways, her shots are so Sears Portrait Studio. Also, I'm grossed out because her lipstick matches her hair. Why do Gingers always do that?

Britanny's shots looked pretty damn good. She kinda reminds me of Jessica Stam, but you know, not nearly as pretty. But that weave, my God, that weave. Santa Maria!! It looks like she's wearing a wig she found in the trash.

They made Dionne change her name from Wholihay to Brown. Big mistake. Her shots should have been Hood, Hip-Hop Groupie, More Hood, and Setting Football Player Boyfriend's Mansion on Fire/aka The Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez.

Jaselen is what Janice Dickinson would look like if she didn't do so much coke. Drag Queen?!? One of her poses was called Drag Queen?!? Jaslene is THE BEST.

Natasha's looks are all very Mail-order Russian Bride. Her shots should have been East Block, USSR, Must Crush Capitalism, and Sad...to be leaving the motherland.

This week was great. All the girls turned on Renee and were like "nobody likes you because you are a mean bitch" and she's all like "really?!?". Um, yes, do you not remember telling the camera "I'm not here to make friends and I'll be the biggest bitch in order to win"? I guess not. I love that one of her shots was Motherly. It should have just been Mother because if she was Motherly in any sense, she'd be at home looking after her kid and not on ANTM.

And finally...Whitney's looked alright, but what's with these hos constantly posing with their hands all over their faces? It looks so stupid. Especially when fingers look like sausages 99% of the time. That Secretive pose looks like something you find in the back of a free newspaper with the caption "I've got a secret. Wanna know what it is? 1-900-SHHHHH."

4.04.2007

A Little Girl Explains Easter

I am very excited for this weekend because this weekend is Eastertime!! I mostly don't like weekends because that is the time I have to go to my Daddy's house. I don't like my Daddy's house because it smells like cat pee and Janet doesn't buy the good kind of orange juice. Janet is Daddy's new wife. This Sunday is the day when you wake up in the morning and the most specialist of bunnies comes to your house, the Easter Bunny. Here is what the Easter Bunny looks like: She lives in a magical tree with a dozen-hundred elves that help her out. The Easter Bunny is kinda like Santa except she isn't a man and she isn't married. Santa has a wife and the Easter Bunny lives alone, so Santa is like Daddy and the Easter Bunny is like Mommy. Mommy doesn't have a new husband but she does have a friend called Uncle Tony who comes to our house and uses our BBQ and calls me Six-Pack because I'm six-years-old. I like Uncle Tony because he lets me watch whatever I want on TV and lets me say s-h-i-t. Once Uncle Tony called Daddy's new wife Janet a skank and I laughed so hard milk came out of my nose. Mommy and Uncle Tony said that if I have been really good, the Easter Bunny and his magical elves will hide chocolate eggs all around the house that I can hunt for and eat!! Then we will go to church, because Mommy says that Easter is about Jesus. Baby Jesus came down from heaven in a basket at Christmastime. Last Christmas, Uncle Tony and Daddy had too many grown-up drinks and had a fistfight on the front lawn.Daddy called Uncle Tony a shitstain and Uncle Tony called Daddy a turkey sandwich. I don't know what those mean, but it got both of 'em real pissed. After Christmas, Jesus has to take a trip up to see his Daddy in Heaven. Then Jesus fell in love with the prettiest Angel and asked her to marry him. She had blonde hair like me:So then they had a baby and the baby grew-up to be a bunny and the bunny was the Easter Bunny. Uncle Tony always pokes Mommy's tummy and asks when she is having her baby and then Mommy gives him snake eyes. Easter is going to be a lot of fun because I can wear my purple dress with the bow and hold a basket. Grandma sent me a hat to wear for Easter and I'm going to wear it because I like hats. Before Uncle Tony became friends with Mommy, we used to hang out at the Fire Hall and make friends with the Firemen. Fireman Jeff let me wear his hat one time and let me play with the Fire Hall dalmation, Skipper, while Mommy asked Fireman Dave if there was a Mrs. Fireman Dave. I hope the Easter Bunny brings some chocolate to Skipper and Fireman Jeff, some grown-up drinks for Uncle Tony and Mommy, and a book about cleaning up cat pee and a coupon for the good orange juice for Janet. But I hope the Easter Bunny brings me the most treats of all!!