4.05.2007

America's Next Top Model - Week 6

So here we go again. Last week I was so hopeful that someone was gonna get drowned in that swimming pool, and yet all we get is Jael and Natasha swimming around like drunk fools. The real excitement this week was that the girls had to choose nicknames for themselves. Twiggy and Melrose gave them a little lesson about how to shorten their names or play off facial or body features or some shit. Jael and Jaselen kept their names, because they are pretty cool to begin with. Whitney chose not to go with McRib, which was probably a good decision. And of course, my girl Dionne chose Wholihay (WHOO-lee-hay). Seriously, I could have fooled around with names like Lil' Grillz or Mama Stut and NEVER would I have come up with something as funny as Wholihay.So, Dionne won this week's challenge, and I'm glad. Girl has got her shit together. Her prize was getting to be in a Keds ad with Whitney and Cha Cha Diva/Jaslene. I can't believe I'm saying this, but if Keds had their shit together, they would fire Mischa Barton and hire Dionne. Okay, that's all the compliments I give. Let's start the haterade!!So the winner this week was Jael, and I couldn't be happier. Jael was so fierce during her shoot and fucking nailed every shot. I want to know who does the PhotoShop work on ANTM, because if you had seen the show last night you would have been terrified by Jael's skin. It was like she bought her foundation at the dollar store (she might have though).

And because there are no real winners on ANTM, this week's ultimate loser is Sarah. I am so glad she's gone. She was dullsville from the very beginning. Also, Moe?!? That is the lamest name I have ever heard. That's what you name a golden retriever. Anyways, her shots are so Sears Portrait Studio. Also, I'm grossed out because her lipstick matches her hair. Why do Gingers always do that?

Britanny's shots looked pretty damn good. She kinda reminds me of Jessica Stam, but you know, not nearly as pretty. But that weave, my God, that weave. Santa Maria!! It looks like she's wearing a wig she found in the trash.

They made Dionne change her name from Wholihay to Brown. Big mistake. Her shots should have been Hood, Hip-Hop Groupie, More Hood, and Setting Football Player Boyfriend's Mansion on Fire/aka The Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez.

Jaselen is what Janice Dickinson would look like if she didn't do so much coke. Drag Queen?!? One of her poses was called Drag Queen?!? Jaslene is THE BEST.

Natasha's looks are all very Mail-order Russian Bride. Her shots should have been East Block, USSR, Must Crush Capitalism, and Sad...to be leaving the motherland.

This week was great. All the girls turned on Renee and were like "nobody likes you because you are a mean bitch" and she's all like "really?!?". Um, yes, do you not remember telling the camera "I'm not here to make friends and I'll be the biggest bitch in order to win"? I guess not. I love that one of her shots was Motherly. It should have just been Mother because if she was Motherly in any sense, she'd be at home looking after her kid and not on ANTM.

And finally...Whitney's looked alright, but what's with these hos constantly posing with their hands all over their faces? It looks so stupid. Especially when fingers look like sausages 99% of the time. That Secretive pose looks like something you find in the back of a free newspaper with the caption "I've got a secret. Wanna know what it is? 1-900-SHHHHH."