5.28.2007

Overrated: The Animal Kingdom Edition

The animal world is just like Hollywood; there are people who will always be around and will always stay classy (Gwenyth Paltrow) or people who are a little under the radar but are still totally cool (Chloe Sevigny). Then there are people who do too much coke and drive down the highway screaming "YOU CAN'T ARREST ME!!" (too many to name). So here are the best of the best and the lamest of the lame in the world of animals. Enjoy!

THE CLASSICS

SEALS
I think that seals may be the only animal that gets cuter as it grows up. Even when seals get old and fat, they just get older in years and fatter in the cute department (aka The Jowels). What other animal has its own national holiday where people track them down in huge packs to snuggle their brains out? What? They're not stalking them to snuggle them? No! "Club Sandwiches, Not Seals" makes so much sense now.

KANGAROOS
Quick! Name an animal other than a kangaroo that you can box? There really isn't any other animal that you can throw a pair of a pair of Everlasts on and go to Tyson Town on its paws and LOSE. I'd say the only way a human could beat a kangaroo in a fight is by shooting it, but then you'd be a total jerk and I'd hire a kangaroo to kick your ass.

POLAR BEARS
Jesus, what is it with the North that makes some seriously cute animals? Polar bears combine the adorability of a snuggly little cotton ball (like Knut, the world's most famous P-bear) with the human-killing properties of a...well, bears. Also, you know how normal bears won't attack a human unless they feel threatened? Apparently, polar bears will attack you just cause you are there. Word.

MICE
Plenty of rodents can be cute, but what if you want a combination of cute and fast and LETHAL? What other animal can get a tonne of people sick AND sleep in a chunk of swiss cheese? Mice in the subway do that, don't they? Sleep in cheese?


THE UNDERDOGS

KOALAS
Not since the 1980's have koalas see any popularity. Seriously, do you not remember that? Olivia Newton-John and her Koala-Blue brand and Crocodile Dundee and everyone was drinking Fosters (a kid I know actually thought Australian was a language and that 'fosters' was the Australian word for 'beer') and everyone was flying Qantas and listening to Men Without Hats "I come from a land down under" and eating Vegemite...wait, no one was eating Vegemite. That stuff is SICK!
Anywhoo, koala bears are adorable and everything, but did you know:
- They are not bears
- Their claws can rip through cans and will kill you if you take away its kids or bamboo

OCTOPUS
Don't correct me and say 'octopi' you pretentious douchebag. Nobody says octopi. Anyways, what can you say about the octopus? Maybe that it constantly lives in the whale and shark's shadow? Or maybe that they used to drag ships and seamen to their deaths. Let's just say that octopusses do a bunch of things well, but one specific thing great: when you cut off their legs and dredge them in flour and cornmeal and fry them, they taste delicious. Keep up the good work, tasty friends of the sea!!

MONGOOSE
Mongeese (?) fight snakes. Like real snakes, too. Pythons. One time a Mongoose fought Chuck Norris and the mongoose almost won.

SLOTHS
Sloths will be the next big deal. They are on the upsing and you'll be seeing a lot more of them around town. You know, at Hyde and Teddys and stuff. Doing lines with Lohan and crashing their beemers into sloth-trees. Oh, and Kitson. Those marsupials will be all over Kitson.


THE OVERRATED

PANDAS
God, are these little turds overrated or what? Seriously, what good do they do? Can they swim? No. Can they fight people? Can they sing or fart on command or do X-rated stuff at zoos? Never. They are black and white and that's about it. You know who else follows that same criteria? Zebras.

PARROTS
Parrots belong on Jimmy Buffet's shirts and the set of Miami Vice and shitty art from the 80's. And I don't mean in the ironic sense, either, like ironic moustaches or ironic shades. Parrots are crummy pets cause their pee smells so bad and all they do is sit on your head like they live at African Lion Safari. Plus, they are ugly birds!

MONKEYS
Ew ew ew. I hate monkeys. They are like gross little people. Plus, it's like whenever a movie needs some comic relief, they always throw in a monkey in a diaper. EW! STOP! No more monkeys in diapers!! Its just, oh my god. I always avoid the monkey house at the zoo cause they make me so uncomfortable. Is there something wrong with me? Seriously, who else hates monkeys?

LIGERS
If I could go back in time, I would first go slap 10-year-old me for wearing so much Northern Getaway. Secondly, I would go to Jared Hess' house and say "Jared. Listen. Napoleon Dynamite is going to make you a buttload of money. So much money that you will be able to make a second movie (that will be way awesome and it will be called Nacho Libre and Jack Black will be in it and it will have way more quotable lines, and it won't make a ton of money, but it will be way more amazing that Napoleon Dynamte, but anyways) but do me a favour. Don't invent Ligers. Please. You will regret it buddy. You will see them everywhere and really dumb boring people will be all over them. They will talk about ligers for a year and a half. And while you're at it, don't make a shirt that says "vote for pedro" in red cooper bold. Please. Again, you will thank me for this".

Puppy for Sale

People, I certainly love junkmail. Who doesn't want to increase their penis size using authentic Egyptian treatments or get the hottest animated smilies? Today I got an exceptional junkmail - I actually thought for a second it was a letter. Feel free to scan through it or just skip to the end:

Good day,
This is Mrs Elena Caviar am emailing you in regards of the puppy you have for sale, so what I want you to do for me now is to give me the cost of the Puppy and I want to let you know that i'll send my shipping company to come down to your place for the pick. And the payment method will be via (CASHIERS CHEQUE) which you will just take to the nearest cash point to
you to cash it. Please reconfirm your final selling price. Once i hear from you i will need you to email me the following details:
(1) YOUR FULL NAME THAT WILL BE WRITTEN ON THE
CASHIERS CHEQUE
(2) YOUR FULL MAILING ADDRESS
(3) YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER
(4) FINAL SELLING PRICE
Thanks for the co-operation and God bless. Best Regards
Mrs Elena Caviar
And i also want you to know that you will be receiving a CASHIERS CHEQUE of $5.000 that will sent to from a client of mine who is owing me this amount. So all I want you to do now is to recieve the CASHIERS CHEQUE , After then i will expect you to wire the funds Immdiately to my Shipping Company to come over for the Pick up (I will handle the Shipping so Shipping
Should not any Problem). All you need to do is to wait for the Shipping Company to come over for the Pick up, You will be notify on the Day they will arrive so that you will around for them for the pick up. Also funds should be Transfered to my Shipping Company via WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER. I am Compesating you with the Sun of $200 for thelittle stress you will be going through in the transaction. Finally i am making you a promise that the pup will be taken care of just like a child and nutured like my friend,companion and pet at the same time,never lacking any care and love from me at any point,i will also send you pictures from time to time for you to see what love it gets from me. So If this is acceptable by you i want you kindly let me know in your next response....I want you to reply back to my original email address: ********@yahoo.com
Thanks..


So, of course I had to write back:

1. I do not have a puppy for sale
2. There is no cost for the puppy, as there is no puppy for sale
3. Is your name really ‘Mrs. Elena Caviar’? Should I send the puppy to CLUE c/o Parker Brothers? What happened to the last puppy? It was the rope in the library, wasn’t it?

4. “I am Compesating you with the Sun of $200 for thelittle stress you will be going through in the
transaction”. Really? The Sun? I’d say that receiving The Sun would be considered a pretty high-stress transaction.
5. Good luck finding that puppy!

5.24.2007

I Call Shenanigans!!

There is a lot of buzz surroundind ABC's fall line up. QUICK! Name 3 shows other than the Geico Cavemen sitcom!! That's right, you can't. Don't feel bad, neither can I. All I can focus on is ABC's newest sitcom about a Geico commercial. I'm not sure what the actual title is (Cavemen? Geico's Cavemen? Max Headroom 2007?). People, I know PLENTY of people are naysaying this show (hell, most people think it's gonna get cancelled during the second commercial break of the pilot) but do you know what I think?
I think it's a fake.
I think this show is a big fat fake. I think that it's all hype that's going to turn around and bite us in the ass come fall. We're going to tune in September 30th, Thursday Night at 9pm and watch a 2 minute commercial followed by a big fat "fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance."
That, or it will be the next Seinfeld. Who knows? I mean, come one - Hell has frozen over, people. Do you need any more proof than The Simple Life 5?
I will follow this ABC's Cavemen till the bitter end. I swear to god, if it isn't a joke, then someone at ABC clearly woke up one morning and went "aw, fuck it...go ahead and greenlight that dream I had about cavemen".

5.21.2007

Unanswered Questions: Canadian TV

This week in Unanswered Questions, I have decided to focus not on one horribly ill-conceived children's show, but several. After all - you guys are too good to me. You deserve it. Now, I could go the easy route and post a couple of pictures of Fred Penner with smarmy questions like "where the hell did that Log lead to, anyways?" but no. That would be too easy. Instead, I have decided to delve into the world of unloved, unwatched, and (natch) un-renewed television shows of the 80's and early 90's. So sit back and get ready for a trip down memory lane (actually, I guess it's more like 'How the Hell did that show get the Go-Ahead' Avenue). And if you don't remember some of the shows listed, it's okay. I watched A LOT of television in my formative years.

"Kids Can Rock and Roll"Oh Buddy Goodfellow, Ace Manners, P.J. Styles. For three rockstars, you sure did live pretty clean-cut lives. Where was the episode about wrecking a hotel room? The urban legend about the groupie from Tampa? The heartwrenching story about your original drummer, Joey Handshakes, choking on his own vomit on the Kideo tour bus? Oh yeah, that's right. You guys totally blew. I went to a birthday party when I was 9 and the kid's stepdad pulled out a guitar and was was like "ARE YOU KIDS READY TO ROCK AND ROLL?!?!" and started into a messy verse from "Dr.Feelgood" and we were all like "Derek? Where's the clown? Didn't you say you were getting a clown?" and looking back, let me tell you. If I was back at that party and had to pick between a performance by Kideo or Derek's drunk stepfather, I would go for Motley Crue Stepdad. Why? Less embarrassing.

"Marie-Soleil"Ah, bonjour! Voici Marie-Soleil, Fergus, et Clune Samuel! Le plus-terrible programme de la television! You wanna know why my French is so bad? Because Marie-Soleil was a crock of shit. How could you learn anything from a woman speaking ONLY in French, a dog-puppet speaking ONLY in English, and a clown speaking ONLY in...hand gestures? This show was all over the place - Clune Samuel was clearly a girl. Secondly, Fergus looked like he was made from a sock and 2 golf balls 5 minutes before the show went to air. Thirdly; Marie-Soleil, I know that you're from Quebec. But come on. Could you have made this show any more anti-Anglophone? The only person who speaks english looks like he's been up all night snorting coke, and you made the only other human a mute as if he was to say "Je suis rather be silent than parlez englaise".

"Size Small Island"Now, Size Small Island wasn't that large of a blip on the Canadian Television radar (Hell, I used to make fun of the show as a 5 year old). It was about a family that lived in the mountains I guess? There was Miss Helen, Oliver, Grandma Gussie, Tex, and one very special friend who gave me nightmares on a regular basis. That's right, Friend Record. A giant piece of vinyl who sang songs and tapped 2 wooden spoons together. A giant anthropomorphisized record. With spoons. How did this show get 2 spin-offs again?!?

"Take Part with Lois Walker"She had a green box puppet that collected her mail. What was this show.

"Readalong"TVO had some golden years, didn't they? Dear Aunt Agnes, Harriet's Magic Hats, Timothy Pilgrim, Math Makers. And of course, Telefrancais. But my personal favorite was Readalong, featuring Boot. Okay, come on. What is with all the anthropomorphisized puppets on 80's era YTV and TVO? At least Friend Record had a name that wasn't simply "Giant Record". Boot's name was 'Boot'. And Boot taught me to read. And Boot taught me to be scared of Noreen Young, the puppeteer who created Boot, Granny, all the puppets from Under the Umbrella Tree and Today's Special. Why did all the puppets look like they were melting?!? SOMEBODY TELL ME!!!

"Gigglesnort Hotel"I used to watch Gigglesnort Hotel everyday at lunchtime on YTV. It was about a guy who ran a hotel and there was a dragon that lived in the furnace. All in all, it was pretty dullsville. Aparently, it had been on for YEARS and I was just watching the final run of it, so I can't imagine how weird it was back in the day. But I will tell you this (and my friend Anna-Sophia can attest to this, as she used to watch the show too) there was this character on Gigglesnort who was just a lump of clay and the owner used to mould his face around (like make his eyebrows raised or his ears extra big). Which isn't necessarily weird. But whenever his face was fixed, the whole time the clay person would moan and scream in this horrible muffled way!! Like, the guy was killing him or something! Hello!! I was like 4 years old! How would you have taken that!?!?
Also, again, puppets that looked like they were melting.

5.16.2007

America's Next Top Model - The Winner!!

Congratulations go out to Cha-Cha Diva Jaslene! Good for you! You won ANTM Cycle 8!! Fantastic! Jaslene, I have a little advice for you:
-save your money
-take all the freebies you can get your skinny claws on
-pick up some applications for H&M and Forever 21 on the way home from The CW Studios tomorrow. You're gonna need a back-up plan.
And there you have it! Renee goes back to her sad life in Hawaii and Natasha goes back to her mail order husband.
And Tyra goes back to her wigmaster for a second fitting on her newest piece. Everybody wins!

5.15.2007

What your favorite dog says about you

They say you can tell alot about a person by the kind of dog they own. For example, if you own a cat, you're a douche. But I digress. Let's take a look at what your favorite breed of dog says about you.

A Border Collie says you are energetic, happy, scrappy, and love to bully sheep around. Also, from what I learned from 'Babe', Border Collies are talking dogs (which is a good skill to have if you are a dog).

It has been proven that one of the smartest dogs is the Yellow Lab, whereas one of the stupidest breeds is the Golden Retriever. You like this dog because
a) you like adorable dummies
b) you are really obsessed with 1994
c) you have a morbid obsession with the Air Bud movies

You like huskies because you live in an igloo. But really, can we not all agree that these dogs are super-cute and mega-hard working? This is the perfect dog. Oh, except the fact that they shed as if they hated you.

Poodles say "I am a professional woman who works on Wall Street and I bust balls like nobody's business. I work 14 hours a day and wear Bill Blass power suits. Also, it's 1981"

Pugs are so awesome; they are the old Italian man of the dog world. Look into this dog's eyes and tell me you don't hear him going "eh Guisseppe! Wassamattawitu?!? You say you gonna pick uppa the couch on Tuesday, and it Friday! Whereayou head at?!?"

You like Collies because you are secretly very afraid of falling down the old town well.



Chihuahuas are like Crystal Meth; you think it's so awesome for like, 4 months, then you find poo stains EVERYWHERE and it gets really annoying and you hear barking all the time, even in your sleep and when you close your eyes you see those weird bug-eyes staring right back at you and then you open your eyes AND IT'S LOOKING AT YOU.
By the way kids, don't smoke Crystal Meth.

Shi-Tzu's are good for making shit jokes and practicing hairstyling.

People who are into Mutts are pretty cool people. They can appreciate that purebreeds are basically crosseyed inbred cousins. Have you ever seen a messed-up Mutt? I didn't think so. Mutts are always fast runners, find stuff quickly, and eat their dog food as if you are never going to feed them again (they get so growly!). Anyways, the pound is the best place to get a dog because pound doggies will love you forever.


The kind of people who...wait a second, that's not a dog. That's a fox! Put up another picture of a dog.

That's not a dog, that's a raccoon.

That's a picture of a hotdog.

That's a dog dressed up as a hotdog.

Shit, come on! That's an Ewok!

Oh no! That's definitely a dog, but I'm not sure what kind. I think it's a zombie retriever.

5.13.2007

Saved By The Bell - who's life is the biggest train wreck?

There are few television shows where the cast's individual successes are so varied and diverse. Some shows end and all the stars go on to bigger and better things, like Seinfeld (Jerry = millionaire, Elaine = Emmy Awards, George = has a cute family, Puddy = voices Disney shows, J.Peterman = Dancing With The Stars, Kramer = um...well, we all can't be winners) or other shows where all the stars fade into obscurity, like Full House (Danny = standup?, Joey = Social Assistance, DJ = wife, Stephanie = meth-wife, The Olsens = weird grandmas, Comet = doggie heaven).
But Saved By The Bell's cast is all over the place in terms of success and failure. Let's check out who's doing well, who's not doing so well, and who should have invested their SBTB paycheques a little wiser.

DOING WELL

Mario Lopez / AC SlaterDid you WATCH Dancing With The Stars? Seriously, somebody better turn up the "AC" because Mario Lopez was on FIRE! (Whatever, you would have used that joke too had you thought of it). There is a reason AC stands for Absolutely Charming. Right now, Slater is dating his Dancing With The Stars partner (aww, so cute) and not much else. But he is a pretty hot guy and he just keeps getting hotter, so he will find work soon. Probably on Extra or E!

Tiffani-Amber Thiessen / Kelly KapowskiI bet you didn't think Kelly Kapowski could shake off that character after she left SBTB, did you? Then she did a little show called 90210 and became Valerie Malone and everybody was like "Kelly who?". So, Kelly did a bunch of shows after 90210, like Fastlane (which was a blatant Fast & The Furious rip-off) and right now she is on What About Brian. I haven't seen this show, but I do know that one of the Camdens is on it and I didn't like 7th Heaven, so I am jumping to conclusions and saying What About Brian probably sucks. If it gets cancelled, I don't think we have to worry about Kelly finding another job - the girl doesn't age. She'll be fine. Who would have thought that of all the other 90210 alumni, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen would be the most successful. Baffling.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar / Zack MorrisThat hair, those eyes, that unpronouncable last name. Zack HAD to do well - I wouldn't let him fail me. He was just too good looking and funny to go the way of Screech (who we will get to later). He did pretty well on NYPD-Blue (he was on it for 5 seasons) and then went on to Geena Davis' Commander in Chief (which didn't do so well). But it's okay, cause he seems like he probably didn't go buck wild with his SBTB dollars, and he has 2 little kids, so I think he'll be alright. And if not, he can just "Zack Morris Time-Out" and solve all his problems. That's what I always do. Then again, I talk to a sock puppet when I need advice.

DOING OKAY (aka ON WATCH)

Lark Voorhies / Lisa Turtle
I always thought that by side-stepping Saved By The Bell: The College Years, Lark was dodging a career-bullet and would go on to bigger and better things. Well, 'bigger' meant Days Of Our Lives, and 'better' meant a role in the Redman/Method Man opus How High. And then, like a fart in the wind, she vanished without a trace. Currently, she is suing the National Enquirer over a story that suggested she had a drug problem. HELLO!! If I was a has-been, I would kill for a mention in the Enquirer. Have you not heard the term 'all publicity is good publicity'? Cause you know what? It's true. I'd let people believe I eat jellybean sandwiches and wear shoes on my hands if it means people are still talking about "the snobby girl who dated Jessie's delinquent brother from NY".

Dennis Haskins / Mr. BeldingApparently, Dennis Haskins has trouble getting parts that aren't "Mr. Belding"-types and he doesn't like this. He has also gained a considerable ammount of weight and grew a moustache to seperate himself from the character. Um, Dennis? Maybe if you didn't want to nail your own Mr. Belding coffin shut, you shouldn't have agreed to do SBTB: Vegas Wedding, SBTB: The College Years, SBTB: The New Class, SBTB: Hawaiian Style, SBTB: Zombie Island, SBTB: Screech vs. Urkel, etc.

Elizabeth Berkley / Jessie SpanoYou know what sucks? When boring people want to quote SBTB and they reference the episode where Jessie takes caffeine pills and goes "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared!". You know what's great? Ask them why Jessie was singing "I'm so excited" and watch them go "uh....because....she..uh....". That's what I thought. It's because she was studying for SAT's and singing lead for The Hot Sundaes, assnut. Anyways, Elizabeth Berkley really doesn't have to do anything else with her career. Why? One word: SHOWGIRLS. If you haven't seen Showgirls, go watch it. Now. I'll wait. It's worth it.

DOING TIME AT THE LOCAL MEN'S SHELTER

Dustin Diamond / Samuel 'Screech' PowersScreech, Screech, Screech. Jesus Christ, you are the epitome of Train Wreck. I honestly didn't think that he could get any lower than when he boxed Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter on Celebrity Boxing Vendetta or whatever the hell it was called. And then he had to sell his shit on Ebay cause he was getting kicked out of his house/the motel he was living in/his mom's basement. Then he releases a sex tape that involved him wiping the poop under a girl's nose. Then, it turns out the sex tape was a fake and stuff. Now he's back in Desperation Station searching for work/money. Dustin, seriously buddy, you should move to a country where they never got SBTB and see if you can live a normal life. Tell me if I'm wrong, but I imagine that Dustin Diamond gets made fun of relentlessly on a daily basis. He can't tell me that when he goes to the grocery store, the cart boys and the cashiers aren't laughing their assess off and asking him where his robot, Kevin, is or if Mr. Belding gave him a ride to the store, or if he will be using food stamps to pay for his purchases.

Ed Alonzo / Max from The Max
Did Max not give you the heebie-jeebies? Maybe I am the only one who gets really creeped out when magicians come up to me and are like "do you need a hanky?" and then I'm like "no, I use Kleenexes..." and then the magician will be like "...cause I have a hanky right here!!" and then they start pulling out that long, never ending colourful scarf, and you're left standing there looking like an idiot without an escape plan. Well, after SBTB, Max decided to pack things in and sell The Max to someone else who ran it into the ground along with SBTB: The New Class. But what's Max doing now? We'll, it seems he is still a practicing magician at, get this, Knott's Berry Farm in California. I did a little research and Knott's is aparently "America's Number 1 Theme Park". Not so fast, Knott's Berry Farm...you ever heard of a little place called Cedar Point in Sandusky Ohio? That's right, eat it. But yeah, Max is a magician who walks around the park asking if people need a hanky and when The Zack Attack will be playing. Imagine running into him? I wonder how many people ask him to "do Max"? He probably goes "Hey guys, I'm Ed Alonzo! I left Max back in 1992...along with most of my hair!!" and then points to his receding hairline. Then, while the crowd is laughing, he turns away from them and goes "one day, Max, one day..." and then does the Office Space machine-gun-hands thing (you know, where Peter is in Tchotchkies and he goes 'g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g' and pretends he's taking out the office?)

5.09.2007

America's Next Top Model - Week 11

Well well well. Just like she escaped the iron grip of the USSR's communist claws, Natasha escaped elimination last night on America's Next Top Model. And urrbody's favorite girl Dionne was kicked oot. I can't believe it. Hello, did you SEE her pictures last night?!?It was like watching a hostage recite a note from their captor! So awful.
But on to more important things; did you see when Natasha went to hug Dionne after she found out she was still in the game, and Dionne just stood there and didn't hug her back?!? BITCH WAS COLD! It was one of Dionne's finer moments. Farewell Dionne; ANTM will miss your street sensibility and genteel hoodrat-ness. Peace out, B.

And the winner this week of everything (the challenge, the photoshoot, the hilarious award) is Renee. Sheesh, she might win. So here is what we know about Renee so far:
-She was abused as a kid
-Her mom raised her and her 4 sisters
-She has a little boy
-Her life is the pits and that's why she wants to be America's Next Top Model
I really, REALLY hate to be the one to say this, but Renee: if you want to make your family proud of you, go to ITT Tech or CDI College or something. I now life sucks, but spending 12 weeks on a reality show (Cycle 8 of said reality show, natch) and then dissapearing into obscurity isn't really something your family will be bragging about when you are begging the shift manager at WalMart not to fire you for stealing women's underwear and greeting cards. But let's just live in the now, shall we? Renee actually looked like she was having a good time when she was dancing around like a damn fool with the natives. Good for her! I would have taken the Dionne road; no more damn dancing for me.

Ah, Cha Cha Diva. I can't quite put my finger on it, but Jaslene reminds me of someone. Can't quite put my finger on it...wait a second...Here we go. Cruella DeVile. Anyways, Jaslene will definately be eliminated next week and the final two will be Renee and Natasha. People like Renee cause she's the underdog with a past, and Renee will stay because Twiggy loves her, and nobody wants to argue with a living legend.

So, we'll see how next week treats us. Hopefully we will finally find out about Natasha's past and why nobody has ever seen a picture of her baby. But I swear to god, if she makes out with her cell phone again, I will reach through the TV and slap her!

ps - Did you take a good look at Tyra's wig? Where did she get that thing? Looked like she ripped it from a Sears mannequin.