5.13.2007

Saved By The Bell - who's life is the biggest train wreck?

There are few television shows where the cast's individual successes are so varied and diverse. Some shows end and all the stars go on to bigger and better things, like Seinfeld (Jerry = millionaire, Elaine = Emmy Awards, George = has a cute family, Puddy = voices Disney shows, J.Peterman = Dancing With The Stars, Kramer = um...well, we all can't be winners) or other shows where all the stars fade into obscurity, like Full House (Danny = standup?, Joey = Social Assistance, DJ = wife, Stephanie = meth-wife, The Olsens = weird grandmas, Comet = doggie heaven).
But Saved By The Bell's cast is all over the place in terms of success and failure. Let's check out who's doing well, who's not doing so well, and who should have invested their SBTB paycheques a little wiser.

DOING WELL

Mario Lopez / AC SlaterDid you WATCH Dancing With The Stars? Seriously, somebody better turn up the "AC" because Mario Lopez was on FIRE! (Whatever, you would have used that joke too had you thought of it). There is a reason AC stands for Absolutely Charming. Right now, Slater is dating his Dancing With The Stars partner (aww, so cute) and not much else. But he is a pretty hot guy and he just keeps getting hotter, so he will find work soon. Probably on Extra or E!

Tiffani-Amber Thiessen / Kelly KapowskiI bet you didn't think Kelly Kapowski could shake off that character after she left SBTB, did you? Then she did a little show called 90210 and became Valerie Malone and everybody was like "Kelly who?". So, Kelly did a bunch of shows after 90210, like Fastlane (which was a blatant Fast & The Furious rip-off) and right now she is on What About Brian. I haven't seen this show, but I do know that one of the Camdens is on it and I didn't like 7th Heaven, so I am jumping to conclusions and saying What About Brian probably sucks. If it gets cancelled, I don't think we have to worry about Kelly finding another job - the girl doesn't age. She'll be fine. Who would have thought that of all the other 90210 alumni, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen would be the most successful. Baffling.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar / Zack MorrisThat hair, those eyes, that unpronouncable last name. Zack HAD to do well - I wouldn't let him fail me. He was just too good looking and funny to go the way of Screech (who we will get to later). He did pretty well on NYPD-Blue (he was on it for 5 seasons) and then went on to Geena Davis' Commander in Chief (which didn't do so well). But it's okay, cause he seems like he probably didn't go buck wild with his SBTB dollars, and he has 2 little kids, so I think he'll be alright. And if not, he can just "Zack Morris Time-Out" and solve all his problems. That's what I always do. Then again, I talk to a sock puppet when I need advice.

DOING OKAY (aka ON WATCH)

Lark Voorhies / Lisa Turtle
I always thought that by side-stepping Saved By The Bell: The College Years, Lark was dodging a career-bullet and would go on to bigger and better things. Well, 'bigger' meant Days Of Our Lives, and 'better' meant a role in the Redman/Method Man opus How High. And then, like a fart in the wind, she vanished without a trace. Currently, she is suing the National Enquirer over a story that suggested she had a drug problem. HELLO!! If I was a has-been, I would kill for a mention in the Enquirer. Have you not heard the term 'all publicity is good publicity'? Cause you know what? It's true. I'd let people believe I eat jellybean sandwiches and wear shoes on my hands if it means people are still talking about "the snobby girl who dated Jessie's delinquent brother from NY".

Dennis Haskins / Mr. BeldingApparently, Dennis Haskins has trouble getting parts that aren't "Mr. Belding"-types and he doesn't like this. He has also gained a considerable ammount of weight and grew a moustache to seperate himself from the character. Um, Dennis? Maybe if you didn't want to nail your own Mr. Belding coffin shut, you shouldn't have agreed to do SBTB: Vegas Wedding, SBTB: The College Years, SBTB: The New Class, SBTB: Hawaiian Style, SBTB: Zombie Island, SBTB: Screech vs. Urkel, etc.

Elizabeth Berkley / Jessie SpanoYou know what sucks? When boring people want to quote SBTB and they reference the episode where Jessie takes caffeine pills and goes "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared!". You know what's great? Ask them why Jessie was singing "I'm so excited" and watch them go "uh....because....she..uh....". That's what I thought. It's because she was studying for SAT's and singing lead for The Hot Sundaes, assnut. Anyways, Elizabeth Berkley really doesn't have to do anything else with her career. Why? One word: SHOWGIRLS. If you haven't seen Showgirls, go watch it. Now. I'll wait. It's worth it.

DOING TIME AT THE LOCAL MEN'S SHELTER

Dustin Diamond / Samuel 'Screech' PowersScreech, Screech, Screech. Jesus Christ, you are the epitome of Train Wreck. I honestly didn't think that he could get any lower than when he boxed Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter on Celebrity Boxing Vendetta or whatever the hell it was called. And then he had to sell his shit on Ebay cause he was getting kicked out of his house/the motel he was living in/his mom's basement. Then he releases a sex tape that involved him wiping the poop under a girl's nose. Then, it turns out the sex tape was a fake and stuff. Now he's back in Desperation Station searching for work/money. Dustin, seriously buddy, you should move to a country where they never got SBTB and see if you can live a normal life. Tell me if I'm wrong, but I imagine that Dustin Diamond gets made fun of relentlessly on a daily basis. He can't tell me that when he goes to the grocery store, the cart boys and the cashiers aren't laughing their assess off and asking him where his robot, Kevin, is or if Mr. Belding gave him a ride to the store, or if he will be using food stamps to pay for his purchases.

Ed Alonzo / Max from The Max
Did Max not give you the heebie-jeebies? Maybe I am the only one who gets really creeped out when magicians come up to me and are like "do you need a hanky?" and then I'm like "no, I use Kleenexes..." and then the magician will be like "...cause I have a hanky right here!!" and then they start pulling out that long, never ending colourful scarf, and you're left standing there looking like an idiot without an escape plan. Well, after SBTB, Max decided to pack things in and sell The Max to someone else who ran it into the ground along with SBTB: The New Class. But what's Max doing now? We'll, it seems he is still a practicing magician at, get this, Knott's Berry Farm in California. I did a little research and Knott's is aparently "America's Number 1 Theme Park". Not so fast, Knott's Berry Farm...you ever heard of a little place called Cedar Point in Sandusky Ohio? That's right, eat it. But yeah, Max is a magician who walks around the park asking if people need a hanky and when The Zack Attack will be playing. Imagine running into him? I wonder how many people ask him to "do Max"? He probably goes "Hey guys, I'm Ed Alonzo! I left Max back in 1992...along with most of my hair!!" and then points to his receding hairline. Then, while the crowd is laughing, he turns away from them and goes "one day, Max, one day..." and then does the Office Space machine-gun-hands thing (you know, where Peter is in Tchotchkies and he goes 'g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g' and pretends he's taking out the office?)

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hylarious!! x

Anonymous said...

oh man max!

The Mayor said...

I want to save up some money and go to Knott's Beryr Farm and see Max and get a picture with him. I bet he won't smile.