6.29.2007

If I ran PitchforkMedia.com

(Click to make big)

Have a great weekend everyone! I'm taking a brief holiday, so no post on Monday. See you Tuesday!

6.28.2007

Canada's Next Top H&M Employee - Week 5

Well well well, where do I start? CNTM is just running out of episode ideas, aren't they? Imagine explaining this week's episode to someone who woke up out of a coma?
You: Okay, so all 6 girls start out at the gym and they work out in a spinning class. Then they go to pole-dancing class and make up a routine that they preform for the other girls. Then three of them get to go to the spa and get manicures and pedicures. Then they go to the photoshoot where they jump on trampolines.
Coma Person: Wow, really? You watched that for 60 minutes? Good night. (falls back into coma)

For serious. You know you are watching a crap-budget show when they spend a good 19 minutes filming a spinning class and 8 whole minutes filming the conversation between Cori and Tara. Wasn't that agonizing? Besides, remember when ANTM would do really cool and original photoshoots? Now they have resulted to aping Lacoste ad campaigns.

You know what else I can't get over? That if I had bet against Cori this week, I would have lost a lot of money, my friends. Because instead of getting voted back to working the Drop Zone at Six Flags, she won this week! I know, right?She has a titch of the Monkey Face, but overall, this shot is so good! WTF?! I LOVED this week when Tara was like "I don't like Cori because she has a foul mouth" and then they showed a tonne of clips showing her swearing her face off? Tara, you straight trippin, boo. Cori's foul mouth is her only saving grace; she is so little and cute and fragile and then she's like "I bet them judges are s***** themselves right now! F***, am I ever hungry!" So, in short, last week I would have been satisfied if Gina AND Cori went home, but this week I guess I am glad she stayed. She is boring as hell, but she does take a good shot.
Now for the rest. Yarp. That's all I have to say.
Mo - RIP
My girl got sent home this week, and I think it was totally unfair. Tara is a stupid hobag and needs to go back to her blind mama and take care of her ugly-ass weave. There! I said it!!

Rebecca
Holy shit, she sure did look like Harland Williams at that pole-dancing class, but Sweet Baby Jesus, can she take a good shot or what? Cripes, this is amazing! She will definately have a career after CNTM...at the Hot Dog Factory. I kid! I kid! She will get work in the modeling world. Bluenotes is work, right?

Tara
An open message to Tara from me:
Go home! Nobody likes you! Your Maxim Caddy BFF is gone, and it's time you followed suit. Seriously, take a good look at this shot and tell me it looks better than Mo's. Do it. I dare you.
Love
The Mayor

Sinead
If talking about CNTM didn't put coma-person back to sleep, then this picture sure will. Sinead, you are Nytol. You are dark turkey meat and a box of red wine.

Tia
Okay, a long time ago my friend Spencer told me about some friends he had since he was little and they had this dog named Tia, and when Tia would lay on her back to get her belly scratched she (like most dogs) would open her legs (this isn't the dog trying to be gross, it is a sign that the dog trusts you). Anyways, whenever the dog would do this, both the boys would go "Ewww! Tia-taco!!"
So here is a shot of Tia-taco where it looks like she is a Hilary Swank shrunken-head doll.

And that's it for this week. You know what that means...
(cue Europe's The Final Countdown)
5 Left! Who will be packing up their water dish and kibble next week? Tara? Sinead? Tara? Tara? See you all next week!

6.24.2007

Tom Goes to the Mayor and my black eye

Okay, so here's a little known fact about me. I moonlight as a bartender, and this Saturday I was at work (as uzge) and a guy I work with asked if I ever watch Tom Goes to the Mayor. Well, durr of course. Its fucking hilarious. So I started thinking back and was quoting some episodes ("Gibbinns!"..."Gibbaaaaaaans!") and I started singing the Rick-a-dick-a-dick handshake song. If you don't know what I am talking about, you can watch it here. Anyways, I got about halfway through the song (somewhere around "ring-a-dingding ring-a-dingding") and I started laughing HYSTERICALLY. Cripes, its a funny handshake, give me a break. So yeah, I thought "you better gain composure; they're not paying you to do the TGTTM Handshake" and went to pick up a bottle from a lower shelf and BOOM - I smoked my face off the corner of the marble bar. I threw my hands up to check if my eye was still there (it was) and there was blood gushing through my fingers! It was like Carrie! I had cut a huge chunk out of my eye under my eyebrow and blood was dripping through my eyelashes. So the guy I was working with took me to the first aid in the kitchen and threw some antiseptic on that bad boy and got me some ice. So I got to go home early from work, but I have a seriously busted eye. Its pretty bruised and I can't think of a cool story. I think I might go with "someone smacked me in the face while playing Wii Sports" or something (cause then people will think I own a Wii).

6.21.2007

Canada's Next Top H&M Employee - Week 4

Hey fellas! So, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is...
I didn't get to watch CNTM last night. Dinner ran late.
The good news is...
I'm gonna go ahead and critique their pics anyway!
So, from what I have gathered, your homegirl and mine, vaGina got kicked out last night. Boo hoo hoo!Don't worry, Gina, ther's always Hooters.You like that Photoshop job? That's not even Photoshop. I'm kicking it old school - that's Microsoft Paint, bitches.
Now for the rest. I take it from last night that the photoshoot was some kind of image of a JetSet America lifestyle? Female spys? Just a bunch of random machinery with no theme? Yep, you got it.

Cori
1. Is this an ad for Urban Behaviour or Stitches?
2. Why is she so out of focus?!
3. Could they not have given us a two'fer last night and eliminated her too?

Mo
Okay, while Mo isn't my favourite model on the show, she sure is rocking that yellow. Seriously, I could never get away with that colour. I would look like the anthropomorphization of Urine. This shot, however, looks so staged and crappy. Is this not what you thought you looked like when you played Supermodel in your bedroom? I'm sorry, you didn't play Supermodel? You missed out.

Rebecca
She's normally my girl, but Rebecca looks like a kid going to the prom in this shot. Actually, more like Bryce Dallas Howard going to the prom. Actually, no, more like Ron Howard's weird brother going to the prom. Rebecca has the potential to look totally weird like Karen Elson or Agyness Deyn. She should work the creepy scare-little-kids look. Right now she is coming off as the only redheaded Sears model.

Sinead
Snore.

Tara
Sweet Baby Jesus, when did this show lose ALL credibility?!? Cripes, I could take a better picture than this on the first take! Tara, step it up girl! You are sucking so damn hard, it is making it hard for me to want to keep your crazy ass in the house! Bitch is unstable, that's fer shur. So why are all her pictures so bland? We need another Jael! You can be CNTM's Jael! I know this guy who can hook me up with some meth. I'll bring the drugs, you bring the Dortios! Let's have a party full o' crazy!

Tia
Oh God, Tia. What is happening here.

So there you have it. This week's Round-Up. Only 6 left; who will it be next week? My money is on Cori or Tara. Aw shit, who am I kidding. Does it matter?

6.20.2007

150th post - Vacay Pour Moi

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. I honestly can't believe that The Skip-Raid has made it this far, and it's all thanks to you reading everyday. In honour of my 150th post, I am taking a much-needed vacation. So, today I suggest that you take a trip over to Joe Mathlete Explains Today's Marmaduke and peruse his hilarious hatred of all things Great Dane-y. I myself will be spending this afternoon at my beloved's University graduation and then going to fan-say dinner.
Congratulations Chris and Beth who are done school for-ev-er (to be said in Sandlot way). Well...at least until September.
Peace!

6.16.2007

Get Down on Father's Day

You know I don't normally post in the weekends, but tomorrow is Father's Day, and I want to wish everyone with a dad, who is a dad, who is a father figure to anyone, a very happy Father's Day. Treat your dad to something nice this weekend, like a hug or a beer. Big ups go out to my pops who has had to deal with my broke-ass for the past 2 decades. I love you Dad! Smell you later (next weekend).
Peace out, urrbods! Have a great weekend!

6.14.2007

Canada's Next Top H&M Employee - Week 3

I'm going to make this post short, because if you watched CNTM last night, you will know that it was BOOOOORING! Seriously, how could 8 ho's messing up lines for a Venus Razor commercial be boring? I was hoping for some laughs, but alas...none. So, the moral of the story is:
- Gina ALMOST got the boot
- Tia is mad-dyslexic
- Tara won a diamond watch (diamond, diamondelle, zircon, it's all the same on CNTM)
and last but not least...
- Stef got kicked out
So yeah, that's really about it. Not much drama, not many laughs. Miss J was on, and even he couldn't save the show. Shame. Next week promises to be good though (apparently they have a party with some male models and one of the girls gets freaky and cheats on her boyfriend - SCANDAL).

6.07.2007

Canada's Next Top H&M Employee - Week 2

Okay, so first off I have to say DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT?!?! It was like watching an episode of DeGrassi. Sinead gets all her hair cut off, you find out her sister had cancer, Steff hyperventillates when someone puts a squid on her arm, Sinead faints at the elimination, everyone hates Tara, Gina hates everyone. Oh my god, that was alot to take in. Finally, CNTM is upping the drama-rediculous plot twist quotient to be on par with ANTM. As well, my friend and fellow CNTM-obsessor Annie noticed that there was an unreasonable ammount of product placement in this week. Here are our favorites:
LG Phones: "I'm going to send a crisp, clear picture of the make-overs to Jay on this LG Chocolate phone!"
Ritz Chips: "Mmm I love Ritz chips! They are so delicious and they are baked not fried!"
Jello Pudding: "Mmm, pudding is my favorite! I just love Jello pudding!! I could eat the whole package! I can't even pick a favorite flavour cause all 4 are so yummy! Me and my siblings used to fight over Jello pudding at home! Yum yum yum!!"
CoverGirl: "Wow! A gift basket form covergirl!! I've always wanted one of these! Look at these beautiful colours and shades! This will totally match my skin tone perfectly!"

So, this week's winner of EVERYTHING (including my icy cold heart) is Sinead. Girl, I take back what I said about you last week - you are killing it! But ONLY because you look like one of my personal heroes, Natalie Portman. And of course, every week has to have a loser, and this week newest addition to H&M's staff is JaquelineJaqueline
Meh. Didn't get to know her, don't really care. But I love this photo - dead in the eyes. Like a mannequin.

So, let's take a look at the rest? Actually, I think I'm gonna take that back now - some of these girls look stunning after their make-overs.
Rebecca
She was my favorite last week, she's my favorite this week too. Rebecca looks hawt here, totally Top Model material. Plus, homegirl didn't flinch around the eels and shit cause she works in a Hot Dog factory. She's probably seen more snake heads and rat bodies all mixed up with delicious spices and fillers and...ooh, I want a hot dog now.
Next week, take a good look at Rebecca and tell me she doesn't look exactly like Harland Williams.

Cori
Girl is very very boring in real life, but homegirl can take a photo!! Are you looking at this? She looks great! If she keeps pumping shots like this out, we might see her in the final 3 (to which she'll be taken out by Rebecca, who can hide her body in the Hot Dog factory and no one will ever know).

Gina
Hahahahahaha!! Nice Battlestar Gallactica costume, Gina!! This looks like a 10-year-old girl's sleepover party where you dress up wacky and put on "Teenager" make-up. Don't worry Gina, I heard that Whiskey A Go-Go is hiring.

Mo
She almost got eliminated last night. Girl, you got lucky, cause this picture says "I would rather be working at Taco Bell right now" (but really, who wouldn't?)

Steff
Me: Oh look, an ugly mermaid.
Derek Zoolander: It's merMAN!! (runs off in tears)
Me: Okay fine, an ugly merman. You happy?

Tara
Tara Tara Tara, NO.
Tia
Last but not least, is Kimmy Gibbler. I hate to admit this, but she looks GREAT. Ho-lee-shit, this is a good shot. Although she is mega annoying on the show, she can get down to it and take a good picture. But last night made me realize something. Tia looks a lot like The Gibb (see previous CNTM post)but she also could be a dead ringer for Sandra Berndhardt. Don't give me that look! She was hilarious on Roseanne.

So, there you have it. This week's collection of marginally talented models all vyying for that lucrative Sutherland Models contract. I seriously wonder what Elmer Olsen thinks about these girls? I'll try to get an interview. Peace out, homies!!

6.06.2007

Hilarious Cakes

Oh shit! At work today, I stumbled upon a company called Cake Works, and ho-lee-shit, do they have some hilarious cakes. I never thought I could get this much joy out of inanimate objects, but, well...here we are.

It's Kramer! As a cake! But spelled wrong! And looking very little like him! Okay, even if your name was 'Kremer' and everybody called you 'Kramer', would you really want to be associated with Michael Richards?

Yes, this is a Crown Royal cake. Who is this much of an alcoholic that they receive a cake shaped like booze for their bithday?
Wow, even worse is the Mr. Clean cake. Imagine celebrating your birthday with a cake shaped like a bottle of lemon cleaner?



What is going on here? It looks like Shaggy from Scooby Doo after a trip to Jamaica.

On one end of the "Ha ha, you're old" cake spectrum, we have Stripper Pepaw with a bulging nutsac. This cake is so weird, its like an edible dare.

Then on the other end, we have a picture of an old man farting/shitting his pants. That poor old cake man.

Let me get this straight: Todd is 30 years old, is bald, he wears diapers, has no teeth, and is farting chemical green gas. I think Todd is very sick.

Yeah, anarchy!! Fuck the police!! Lemon chiffon buttercream with princess white cake!! Fuck the establishment! Riot!

Giving a stoner a cake that looks like a giant doob is about as smart as giving a stoner a Phish album and plenty of time to yak your head off. Seriously, that dude will NEVER shut up about the time you gave him a giant cake-joint.

I'm going to give this cake to my sister for her birthday. Joking! You're getting a muffin basket!

This cake is alot of things, but mostly it's just creepy.

Oh man, just like the weed cake above, imagine all the gross innuendo that would come from this stripper pole cake?


What is this cake decorator's obsession with icing penises?!? More disturbing than the weenis is the arm holding the pole! What is wrong with that?!?

Something tells me Ashleigh and Kaila would appreciate this cake more if it was a 36-er of Malibu and some Mardi-Gras beads.

And last, but not least, is the "Poost de Resistance" (did you like that one?)
Yep, its a giant cake made to look like a pile of turds. Um, hello. If this is your birthday cake, then you are a raging Fecapheliac. Good job. Also, I don't want to come off as Hoity-Toity (as my mom would say) but who's poos are that green? That's a little more disturbing than an actual cake made to look like poos. Wait...nope. The Poo-Shaped-Cake is still worse.

6.04.2007

The Inner Monologues of Heidi and Spencer

HEIDI MONTAG: Wow. Look at everybody looking at my new boobies. Look at them bounce! Boing! Boing! Boing! I will never get sick of this! I can wear whatever I want now that I have ginormous boobies. I can wear a nightgown to the MTV Awards if I want to, because nobody is looking at my fashion faux-pas, they're looking at my new boobies!! I am finally more famousser than that bitch Lauren Conrad. She doesn't have boobies like mine. Hers are all small and jiggly and squishy. Mine are like two rock hard...um...boobies. Yes, that was a good one. You rock, Heidi!! And my new nose is so cute and small. I am so glad Spencer opened my eyes to what a hag I was before him. Gawd, without him I would still be wandering the streets of LA with a big fat nose and no boobs, and seriously, I should thank him every day for that. If I hadn't met Spencer, I'd probably just be another one of those ugly single girls with girlfriends and movie nights and shopping trips and self-confidence, and a job I am proud of. He is such a good influence in my life. Sigh. Look at him. What a prince. Now, back to my boobies!! Take a good look, people, it's not like you can see rock-hard tits just anywhere in LA!! Ow, my chest skin hurts...

SPENCER PRATT: Yeah, look at 'em tits. They're all mine!! Just like dating a stripper, but without spending money! I am such a genius. Seriously, I"m basically Einstein. Yeah! You rock, bro!!

6.03.2007

The Great Skip-Raid Saved By The Bell Quiz!!

Okay, first off, how amazing is this picture?
Are you anything like me, where you live and breathe television trivia? No, you have a life, you say? Good for you - go treat yourself to a Coke. But for the rest of us, here's a Saved By The Bell quiz. Why? Cause I love you, that's why.
Today's post is also dedicated to Michele of Toronto and Steph of London who read The Skip-Raid. And don't forget to come back tomorrow, June 5th for some REALLY EXCITING NEWS!!! Enjoy!

1. Which of the following actresses DID NOT audition for the part of Kelly Kapowski?
a) Elizabeth Berkley
b) Jennie Garth
c) That bitch who played Tori
d) Denise Richards





2. When Lisa went on a date with Jessie's New York City Bad-Ass stepbrother, what movie did he take her to?
a) Electric Boogaloo: Breakin' 2
b) Cool As Ice
c) Death Wish 5
d) Casablanca




3. In that episode where the Gang tried to stop the rich Texan guy from drilling for oil in bayside, how did Zack's pet duck Becky die?
a) Lisa ran over it with her car
b) She peaced out during an oil spill
c) She was found decapitated in Belding's office (he owed a lot of money to some very dangerous people)
d) Do they even have ducks in LA?


5. Why didn't Screech sell his Secret Spaghetti Sauce and make millions?
a) The sauce was just a jar of Prego
b) Screech learned that women are money-hungry and that was a reality he was not able to accept
c) Zack said that if he didn't give him the secret recipe, he'd kill him and hide the body where no-one would find it (inside Kevin, his robot)
d) Screech is an idiot







7. Zack had to get surgery on his knee. Why?
a) Screech tried to hump it like a dog
b) Belding knocked him down (probably on purpose, am I right?)
c) He owed a lot of money to some very dangerous men
d) For attention




8. When Jessie takes too many caffeine pills to stay awake/get fucking high, who fills in for her in Hot Sundae?
a) Screech in drag
b) Belding in drag
c) AC in drag
d) Max...dressed as he normally does




9. Who was Screech's mom obsessed with?
a) Belding
b) Screech's Dad (who Screech never met, cause he hightailed it after his one-night-stand with Screech's mom)
c) Elvis Pressley
d) Kevin the Robot

10. AC's dad was in the military. Why did he leave?
a) Dishonorary Discharge
b) Killing a dude in "combat" (aka the Lunchline)
c) He was just a janitor
d) Who cares?