The Inner Monologues of Heidi and Spencer

HEIDI MONTAG: Wow. Look at everybody looking at my new boobies. Look at them bounce! Boing! Boing! Boing! I will never get sick of this! I can wear whatever I want now that I have ginormous boobies. I can wear a nightgown to the MTV Awards if I want to, because nobody is looking at my fashion faux-pas, they're looking at my new boobies!! I am finally more famousser than that bitch Lauren Conrad. She doesn't have boobies like mine. Hers are all small and jiggly and squishy. Mine are like two rock hard...um...boobies. Yes, that was a good one. You rock, Heidi!! And my new nose is so cute and small. I am so glad Spencer opened my eyes to what a hag I was before him. Gawd, without him I would still be wandering the streets of LA with a big fat nose and no boobs, and seriously, I should thank him every day for that. If I hadn't met Spencer, I'd probably just be another one of those ugly single girls with girlfriends and movie nights and shopping trips and self-confidence, and a job I am proud of. He is such a good influence in my life. Sigh. Look at him. What a prince. Now, back to my boobies!! Take a good look, people, it's not like you can see rock-hard tits just anywhere in LA!! Ow, my chest skin hurts...

SPENCER PRATT: Yeah, look at 'em tits. They're all mine!! Just like dating a stripper, but without spending money! I am such a genius. Seriously, I"m basically Einstein. Yeah! You rock, bro!!

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