7.30.2007

I'm Bringing Pasty Back.

Yes!! My favourite Reverse-Vampire, Count Kikula, is back! I have been missing this ho for what seems like months now. Thank god she popped back above the radar, otherwise I would have been forced to put out an APB for a Nosferatu, female, age 19-25, unwashed and reeking of Blood and Camels. Here is Keek in London looking sa-weet as uge. I would seriously kill a Vampire for this ensemble; pull out some sweet Van Helsing moves and steal that Chanel purse. Load a gun with some silver bullets and shoot a Werewolf, just for sport. Lead a Frankenstein to a pond and drown it. Make Dorian Gray look at the painting of himself. Wait, where was I going with this again?

Tonsem Alert!

First off, I need to give credit where credit is due. The word Tonsem (concert) is not mine to steal, but I am doing it anyways. So there.
Second off, Happy Monday Urrbods! I have a horrible sunburn so I am not in the best mood today.Allow me to get to the point. Immaculate Machine, one of this one's favourite bands, is playing this Wednesday (August 1) at the Horseshoe Tavern. Joining them will be Henri Faberge and the Adorables (awesome) and Shitt Hott (meh). Tonsem starts at 9pm, it's $8, and it's 19 plus, so all yall that have kids are gonna have to leave their assess at home with a babysitter/senile neighbor. So, if you have ever wondered what The Mayor looks like, then pony up $8 and come to the Horseshoe. Peace! I'll see you there!

Click here to hear Immaculate Machine and here to hear Henri Faberge.

7.25.2007

Anatomy of a Picture

Yeah, I'm sorry to post pictures like this so early in the morning, because trust, this almost made me barf. But allow me to explain what is going on in this lovely image of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes gettin' jiggy wit it:

1. Tom is sweating PROFUSELY

2. Tom's face says "yeah, a woman...this is hot. Hot hot hot. I am totally turned on right now...come on, Maverick, you can do this..."

3. The people in the back ground have one of two emotions: grossed-out surprise or fear

4. Katie has never, ever been to a school dance/watched MTV/rented Carmen Electra's Strip to Fit

Visit DListed for the original.

Judging a person based on what they order at a bar (aka How Hipsters Judge People)

I wrote this tasty little lick for Love in Toronto, but I liked it, so I decided to reprint it here. Enjoi!

Okay, so there is really nothing worse than going to a bar/club/funeral, eyeing a hottie, then walking up to them and realizing they are drinking Windex. Jokes, that rarely happens to me. But you know what does happen a lot? I find myself judging people solely on what they choose to drink. Some people say "don't judge a book by it's cover". Yeah, sure. If it walks like a Gino, talks like a Gino ("eeeh, stugatz, ya mangiacake!") and it smells like a Gino, chances are it will be a dirty, roofie-slipping, club-loving Gino. Moving on!

BEERS
The Down-Home Beer
A person who is drinking a Coors Light or a Canadian is guaranteed no-nonsense. He likes his beer normal and cold and tasty. He is clearly not into impressing anyone and is there to have a good time.

The Craft/Microbrew Beer
This person is a toss-up for me; they are either really really into local beers, or they are a douchebag who is into name-dropping. Make sure to pay attention to how much they drink; are they just holding the bottle as a prop? Steer clear.

The Cheap n’ Dirty Beer
50’s and PBR are good for one thing; getting drunk. If you are looking for meaningful conversation, you will not find it here. You will, however, find a party.

The Expensive Beer
Stella is a good beer to drink out of a bottle. Something weird happens when you put it into a pint glass, and all of a sudden it turns into Jerk Juice. A person drinking expensive beer will talk your ear off about money or their portfolio or whatever. Expensive pints are like a little red light that says ‘the person holding me is boring’.

MARTINIS
The Classic Clear

People, let’s get one thing clear (no pun intended): martinis are straight booze. They are not frilly or sweet. They are pretty intense. If you see someone drinking a clear martini (olive or twist) they are serious and like a solid drink. Nobody drinks real martinis looking to get loose and wild, so don’t approach this person if you are pretty tipsy.

The Cosmopolitan
This is my only exception to the martini rule, since Cosmos are pretty heavy with the alcohol. BUT someone drinking a Cosmo can be one of two things:
a) an old fashioned kind of gal
b) a Sex and the City obsessed diva
This is where you have to check out the clothes to verify what you are getting yourself into.

The Appletini/Sourtini/Chocotini/Lychee Martini
Avoid this person like the plague. Trust.

COCKTAILS
The Rum and Coke

This one is very easy to identify: Coke with a lime in a little glass. I would say no to this person, because Coke reminds me of being a kid, and rum is super sweet. This is the drink for people who just can’t grow up. Also, I'm pretty sure it's the State Drink of New Jersey, so...you know...

The Gin and Tonic
This person knows the value of a good, refreshing drink. This person will listen to you, but will also have witty stories. But beware; if they order a ‘Bombay Tonic’, they are a name dropper and will want you to think that they are someone important. They aren’t.

The Vodka-Soda
This person is pretty plain and likes the taste of vodka (tasteless) and soda (tasteless). Talking to this person will only result in a surprisingly interesting conversation.

The Manhattan

This person is your 80-year-old Grandpa.

The Sex-on-the-Beach/Slippery Nipple/Long Island Ice Tea
This person is either
a) a loser
b) a total loser

The Whiskey on the Rocks
This person is going to be charming as hell.

The Rye and Ginger aka The Rye n' Dry
If the person drinking it is a girl, then she is white trash. If it's a guy, he is also white trash. All in all, people who drink rye and ginger ale grew up in the garbage.

The Apple-Jacks
If you see someone drinking this, you have gone back in time when my friend Alexis is still underage and she is drinking apple juice and Jack Daniels. The best thing to do is to enjoy the moment and bust a move to some C&C Music Factory.

WINES
The Red Wine

This person has pompous asshat written all over them. Who goes to a bar and orders a red wine? Red wine is for dinner and sitting in your living room with your friends.

The White Wine
Unless you are drinking a really great (read: expensive) glass of wine, there is no place for white wine outside of a summer patio. Also, this person has no taste. White wine is gross.

The Sangria
This person is there to have a good time with their friends, and not you. Sangria is alcohol’s way of saying “I didn’t come with you, and I’m sure as Hell not leaving with you either”. Also, this person is usually a girl.

FROZENS
The Pina Colada

Are you in Mexico? No? Then do not talk to this person because they will be a non-stop parade of delusion.

The Margarita
Unless the drink is simply lime juice with a shot of tequila over ice, then please see above. If it is a simple drink, then go talk to them; chances are they are a little weird since they are drinking lime juice and tequila.

…and remember…
Never, ever, even on a bet, approach someone drinking a Mojito. Do you really want to be associated with someone who goes out and voluntarily drinks what is essentially mint syrup?

7.24.2007

Girl, you done me wrong.

Lindsay
Remember when way back when I posted a picture of you rollerblading with some rehab friends, and I said you looked happy and healthy and I was so proud of you? Bitch, are you for real? Speed racing AND drinking AND coke in the pockets?!? Lohan! What the Hell, girl?!? Everyone was rooting for you! We were so happy that you gave up your crackhead loser ways, and now this? I am be-YOND pissed right now. Do you know how much shit I took for defending you? People laughed at my ass when I told them that you had changed and that you were going to re-launch your career. Audition for some movies where you don't play a stripper or a slut. Hook up with Tina Fey again and do Mean Girls 2: Electric Boogaloo.
Girl, you goin' to jail. You think Paris had it bad? Paris drove a little drunk one night. This is your second time being caught with coke. In the words of Office Space's Michael Bolton - you are going to Federal, Pound-Me-in-the-Ass Prison.

7.23.2007

The Skip-Raid Interviews Fraser Young

Today we sit and chat with one of Toronto's best comedians. No, not Roman Danylo. It's Fraser Young! Our sincerest thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to answers a few Q's.Full name: Fraser Aloysius Young

Where we can find you: www.youngfraser.com or myspace.com/fraseryoung, but I stopped updating both of them a while ago. I'm getting a little tired of the internet.

Occupation: Doctor

Where you live: Upstairs

Tell me about the worst set you ever did:
My worst set was definitely the third set against Pete Sampras in 1996 at the Wimbledon quarterfinals. He already took the first two 6-3 and 6-4, and then broke me at love on my opening service game. Then he dropped 4 straight aces on me, and I just gave up. I didn't win a single point the rest of the day. 24 straight points for him, it was over in 16 minutes. That was the worst set hands down.

In your opinion, who is the most over-rated comedian (dead or alive)?
Adolph Hitler. Get to the punchline, dude!

If you could have lunch with anyone, who would it be?
Stevie Wonder, so I could steal some of his fries without getting caught.

Would you rather spend an hour every day for one year hanging out with Dane Cook or spend a solid 24 hours once with Jim Belushi?
Is Jim Belushi still alive? If not, then him for sure.

Who would you trade talent with and why?
Wayne Gretzky because he has telekenesis.

The Simpsons Movie. Is it going to Fucking Blow or Really Fucking Blow?
It's going to be awesome if they made it 15 years ago.

What was your a) best and b) lamest Hallowe'en costume?
I'm not going to lie to you, I don't give a flying fuck about Hallowe'en. I'm just impressed you left the apostrophe in there.

What did 6-year-old Fraser want to be when he grew up? My kid sister wanted to be a Garbage Man.
I wanted to be totally awesome. Mission accomplished.

Why do girl comedians (except for Sarah Silverman and Debra Digiovanni) suck so much balls?
I think you have some gender bias issues that need to be resolved.

Describe the best prank call you ever made:
Who makes prank phone calls? Did you steal that question from an interview in Tiger Beat?

Are you pissed or flattered when people compare you to Mitch Headberg?
It depends on what the comparison is based on. If it's about head to head Tetris, I get pissed. Yeah, he beat me, but he had been playing all day, and I just walked into the room 2 seconds before we started. It's total bullshit!

What are you really obsessing over lately?
Breathing! I bet I do it 5 or 6 times a day!

On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being really dislike, and 10 being sheer, unadulterated hatred) how do you feel about comedian Roman Danylo?
I've met Roman a few times, and he's always been great to me. Why are you so angry at people you've never met?
* Editor's Note: Given the chance, The Mayor could out-funny Roman Danylo, loaded on Nyquil, any day of the week. The only time she would lose is if Roman Danylo pulled her into a time machine and made the challenge happen in 1996, when his material was still fresh and topical.

What parts of Toronto would you not go to unless you had to?
The bathroom. Have you seen what people do in there? Gross!

What's the better song for trying to woo back a jilted lover? Player's Baby Come Back or Lionel Ritchies' Hello?
If you're trying to get with a blind chick, definitely Hello. They don't call it "The Vision-Impaired Panty-Soaker" for nothing!

Your ideal sandwich:
I like to think of the Holy Trinity as the ideal sandwich. You know, the Holy Spirit nestled in between God and Jesus? You put that together, and you don't even need mustard!

7.19.2007

The Skip-Raid Interviews The Mayor's kid sister Alex

Today we sit and chat with one of the Toronto art community's up-and-coming illustrators, Miserabitch Extraordinaire, and my kid sister, Alex. Our sincerest thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to answers a few Q's.Full name: Alexandra Meredith

Where we can find you:
www.myspace.com/alexloser

Occupation: Your inspiration

Where you live: To the left to the left (Everything you own, in the box to the left)

What was the worst thing that ever happened at your job?
I cut my thumb cutting a fucking bagel for a fucking red neck mom with the bagel knife on a plain bagel. I needed three stitches which took four hours of waiting at Uxbridge Cottage Hospital. I was the only one waiting at 3 in the afternoon. And my fucking boss (who shall remain nameless... Linda Compton) did not pay me for my shift like you are supposed to. I loved the stitches but I fucking deserved the $7.90/ hour for those 4 hours lost.

Would you rather wear a new, ratty pair of underwear every day, or one really nice pair every day forever?
This questions sounds like it was written wrong. Ratty underwear everyday or nice pair everyday.... Um, ratty and skid-marked, please.

If you could have lunch with anyone, who would it be? (I would pick John Waters and Amy Sedaris)
Who cares what you want? This isn't a survey about you. (I can guarantee you'll weasel more opinions about yourself within this very impersonal survey...)

If your hands magically turned into something, what do you wish they could be? (Don’t say "hands") Avoiding the obvious (guns) I would have to go with my second choice, razor blades, so I could actually swipe that ugly mole off The Mayor’s face in one smooth, effortless stroke...

The Simpson’s Movie. Is it going to Fucking Blow or Really Fucking Blow?
... This is such a pointless "interview" and more or less a shitty Myspace Survey ugly people post as Bulletins.

What is the stupidest kind of dog?
No dog is stupid. Oh, oh wait, those dogs with red mustaches from drool.

If you were forced at gunpoint to get one of the following tattoos, which would you pick and why? Celtic arm band, Chinese characters on ankle, tribal design on lower back.
Chinese characters, rendered to look like the characters from Peanuts.

What is the first comic you read in the newspaper?
Usually whichever is one illustration with a caption. Globe and Mail has REALLY bad comics.

Which television show should they show to torture people at Guantanamo Bay? According to Jim, Yes Dear, or Three and a Half Men?
Three and a Half Men, because Charlie Sheen is great American Superstar.

Are you:
- Proud to be Canadian
- Ashamed to be Canadian
- Ashamed to be Canadian until an American makes fun of Canada?


Fuck Canadian Pride. (I am now going to use as many saucy-words as I can to make this more interesting)

What is your favourite animated show on Comedy Central/Cartoon Network? What is the most over-rated? What do you wish they'd bring back?
Space Ghost Coast to Coast fucking bloooooows. My favourite would probably been Aqua Teen.

What "art school" words do you hate the most when people use them?
Oh good lord, this is my favourite question so far, and we're almost done.
1. Organic
2. Funky
3. Juxtapose

If you had to be addicted to a drug, which would it be?
Lemon flavoured cocaine.

Your ideal sandwich:
Grilled chay [cheese] with a side order of pickars [pickles] and watered-down ketchup.

The Skip-Raid Interviews Isabel Samaras

Today we are sitting down with probably the best artist alive, Isabel Samaras. Our sincerest thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to answers a few Q's. I am serious, this is a big deal for me people. This is like if my sister met the person who invented Ice Cream Sandwiches. Huge.Name: Isabel Samaras

Where we can find you:
The Isabel Samaras Official Website

Where you live: San Francisco Bay Area, an absolutely fabulous place.

Occupation:
Obsessive creative

Your worst job was?
I haven't really ever had a truly awful job -- not compared to my friend who had to stir vats of boiled chicken for a traveling carnival all summer. Everything I've ever done just pales in comparison to that.

What was your first painting that sold and for how much?
I used to just give everything away. I think the first piece that sold was one of the Adult Lunchboxes, and I think it was under $500. In The Garden, 2002 - This is one of The Mayor's favourite paintings. Ever.

In your opinion, who is the most over-rated artist?
Leroy Neiman. And the guy is *everywhere*! Jeff Koons is nipping at his heels too. Ooh, and Thomas Kinkade, the "painter of light"! HA!

If you could have lunch with anyone, who would it be?
Amy Sedaris and Bill Clinton. At the same time. I'd also like to meet George Lucas just long enough to ask why he changed The Force from something that anyone could aspire to (just close your eyes and feel the connection, blah blah blah) to a *birthright* (midichlorians passed through certain blood lines). I am *such* a geek.

Who would you rather marry: Herman Munster, Gomez Addams, or Major Nelson?
Oh geez that's SO easy -- Herman was a child in a man/monster body and Major Nelson was an uptight dork. Gomez has it all over those guys. So romantic, so multi-talented, so wicked!!!

Normally, Hollywood remakes of TV classics are big steaming piles (ie: Bewitched ). What is your favourite TV-to-movie remake? Most hated remake?
I can't even watch most of them, they suck so massively and I have such deep fondness for the old shows. Does "Batman" count? I thought Tim Burton did a bang-up job with that. I love me some Batman, I go way back with the Caped Crusader. And the first "Brady Bunch" movie was kinda funny.

I dream of Jeannie (2008). Is it going to Fucking Blow or Really Fucking Blow?
I don't see how it can do anything but RFBCITS. (Really Fucking Blow Chunks Into The Stratosphere)

What was your a) best and b) lamest Hallowe'en costume?
Halloween is my hands down most favorite time of the entire year; we do it up big -- decorations, parties. I think my best Halloween costume was the year I was a Werewolf Bride in a shredded, filthy, bloody wedding gown and the full-on crazy make-up, gluing on all the little individual hairs all over my face, I swear, Rick Baker woulda been proud. (When I was in high school I read Fangoria all the time and thought I wanted to be in effects make-up when I grew up.) But my favorite was the year my sweetie went as Count Spatula (with a giant foamcore spatula head) and I was the Bride of Spatula. My lamest costume was right after Nico [her son] was born, and despite Halloween being my hands-down-most-favorite-time-of-the-entire-year, I just did not have my act together at all -- I threw on a blue Marge Simpson wig. And that was it. I'm embarrassed to even write it down. Shame is upon me.

Obviously Batman and Robin did the "batusi" once or twice. Who else do you think did it? (My money is on the Skipper and Gilligan)
Well on one of my first Lunchboxes for Adults I had Skipper doing Gilligan while Mr. Howell watched and pleasured himself. All those shows were just so absurd -- even as a kid that stuff used to drive me crazy. "These people are trapped on a desert island and nobody is noticing the hotness of Ginger?!?! You get a gorgeous magic genie to do your every bidding and you don't want her to do ANYTHING?!?!" I always thought Spock and Kirk had a really special relationship. (No wonder he couldn't make it stick with any of those saucy space minxes.) I think *everyone* was getting it on as soon as the credits rolled!

Who did you wish you could paint like when you were a kid?
When I was a kid I really liked super obsessive detailed story book illustrations, the more insane the better. By the time I got to art school I sorta hated that stuff and liked really direct sort of emotional work like Egon Schiele. Now I'm back to painting eyelashes with one hair brushes. And I love it. Life is funny like that. Sometimes I envy artists who work more "immediately", more loosely, who just approach the blank surface and create (quickly). But I've become a big fan of what Greg Escalante calls "skill driven art."Trinity, 2006, one of three

What do you think of Mark Ryden? Genius or one-trick pony?
Oh I love Mark, I thought the Tree show he just did was amazing. He's also the guy who turned me on to oil paint -- he swore I would love it over acrylic (which is what all the old lunch boxes and TV trays are painted with) and he was right. Plus he gave me an Yvonne Craig/Batgirl photo he bought at the flea market -- so he's AOK with me for life.

You know who a one-trick pony is? The guy who paints that same damn blue dog with the big eyes, over and over and over and over and over and over....

Someone at my school copied you and submitted the painting as her own. What do you think when people rip you off? (Due to laws being what they are, I cannot show the painting without the artist’s permission. But basically, it was Batman and Superman gettin’ it on)
Well I didn't paint that image -- it actually looks a lot more like the stuff that Mark Chamberlain is doing. I didn't invent the homoerotic subtext, if you wanna see it, it's there -- and clearly a lot of us want to see it! I didn't invent the idea of devilish women either, folks have been drawing women with horns and tails since they clued in to our minx-y nature. Ideas are free floating and up for grabs.

That said it pisses me off in the *extreeeeeeme* when someone *directly* rips off my work, which happens more often than I'm happy about. I've seen my stuff turn up on t-shirts, stickers, club band-aids in Japan, pencil cases, ashtrays, in a virtual "gallery" in a virtual community (no credit, just selling my work for profit!!!). For these and other such freeloaders I have hired a lawyer. Feel my wrath, losers!

What are you really obsessing over lately?
Saints and martyrs, classic Hollywood monsters, fables, and birds. And colors, always colors. And really good chocolate. And "Battlestar Galactica" (lest the reader forget for a moment that I am, at heart, a geek).

Is there a painting you sold, but wished you hadn't?
I was wisely talked into keeping "Bacchus Boy Wonder", I think it's the only one I had to keep. By the time I finished it, I'd put so many hours into the fruit bowl alone there was just no way any amount of reasonable money felt right. So that one is mine. I get pretty attached to all of my work, maybe because I labor over them so much, that it's always a little hard to send them off. But it's really gratifying when people respond to something and I realize other people (some of them, anyway) enjoy them as much as I do. And like I tell my kid all the time -- sharing is good.

The Skip-Raid is from Toronto, but we have a ton of American readers. Are you

- proud to be an American
- ashamed to be an American
- ashamed to be an American, but only for the past 7 years


Until things got so awful in this country, I didn't give much thought to being American at all -- my mother was born in Iceland, my father was Greek, we traveled a lot when I was little. But I'm married to a Canadian now, so I'm *constantly* being reminded of a) the fact that we live in America (somewhat against his better judgment), b) how twisted things are here right now and c) how Canada has it all over us in a thousand different ways. Our current administration is a corrupt, money-hungry, blood-thirsty embarrassment.

What is going on with Devil Girl?
I would imagine she's quite pissed with me for spending all my time painting and not paying her any attention lately. I'd like to put more time in with her and her saucy pals but I'm having that "not enough hours in the day" problem.

Your ideal sandwich:
Fresh rosemary focaccia smeared with sun dried tomato pesto, some fresh mozzarella, tomato, lettuce, and maybe a thin slice of firm tofu. (I'm "flexitarian" -- mostly vegetarian but can't turn down a good slab of fish every now and then.) I absolutely love food.

If you plan on being in the LA/Florida area, or just want to plan a road trip, you can see Isabel’s work at the following shows:

"Literartistry"
Corey Helford Gallery
Culver City, LA
Opens Aug. 11th

Grand Opening
Harold Golen Gallery
Miami, FL
Opening in September

Big Solo Show (!)
Copro Nason Gallery
Santa Monica, CA
Opens Oct. 5th or 6th

7.17.2007

The Skip-Raid Interviews Joe Mathlete

Today we sit and chat with everybody's favourite internet celebrity, Joe Mathlete. Our sincerest thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to answers a few Q's.Full name: Joseph Papagiorgio Mathlete

Where will we find you?
Joe Mathlete's Great Amercian Blog
Joe Mathlete Explains Today's Marmaduke
Joe Mathlete Will Draw Anything You Ask Him to on an Index Card

Occupation: There's a computer and I do stuff and it's boring

Where you live: In an apartment (in Houston, Texas)

Did you go to college or university? How do you feel about that?
A couple of them, yeah. I had the brilliant realization that I was four credits closer to graduating with a Philosophy degree than with what I'd been going for, despite having only taken one Philosophy class. I made an appointment with the registrar or whoever and was going to switch majors when I had the even more brilliant realization "wait-- I don't give a shit about any of this!"

I make a much better dropout than I did a student. I figure any job I'd ever want to work for more than a week wouldn't care if I had a degree anyway.

In your opinion, who is the most over-rated comedian (dead or alive)?
Alive:
Carlos Mencia (overrated by idiots)
Larry the Cable Guy (overrated by the critically dumb)
Dane Cook (overrated by people whose opinions I'd probably otherwise sort of trust)
Dead:
William Shakespeare

If you could have lunch with anyone, who would it be?
Standard response to this question (seriously-- I've evidently been asked this enough that I had a stock answer!) used to be Kurt Vonnegut, but now he's dead so that'd just be awkward. I'm going to say Mark Mothersbaugh, because Devo Devo omg Devo.

Would you rather spend an hour every day for one year hanging out with Marmaduke or spend a solid 24 hours once with The Family Circus?
So, would I rather risk being mauled to death, or risk being driven to murder several children? I can't answer this.

Mathletes -which came first - the band or the website?
The band. I started making albums under the name "The Mathletes" in 1999, pluralizing in order to fool people into maybe thinking it was more than just a kid and a four track. It didn't really work.

The Simpsons Movie. Is it going to Fucking Blow or Really Fucking Blow?
RFB. Why, why, why, why, why did they bother with this. Having said that, I've watched that "Spider Pig" clip several dozen times. It's oddly fascinating and creepy out of context.

Why did you choose to personify yourself as a duck?
I gotta have a reason for everything?

Everybody knows that being internet popular is not the same as real-life popular. How deeply do your parents understand this?
My dad (a retired kickboxer who won several championship matches in his heyday) told me the other day that he was kind of dismayed that my name returned more google results than his did. I called him a nerd and took his lunch money.

Do you think that Brad Anderson reads Marmaduke Explained and cries, or pompously brushes you off?

I stand by my previous assertions that he almost certainly neither owns nor knows how to operate a computer.

How would you feel if Brad Anderson comitted suicide? Would you stop the blog, or keep it going with even more gusto?
Again, I'm pretty sure he's unaware of what I do. It's the only way I can explain why I haven't been served with a cease and desist.

The Skip-Raid is written out of Toronto, Ontario. What is the most suprising thing you have ever learned about Canadians?
The thing about the gills. Horrifying.

Are you:
- Proud to be an American
- Ashamed to be an American
- Ashamed to be an American, but only for the past 7 years

A weird, queasy combination of the first two. It's a nation built upon fantastic principles and possibilities, and also oppression and slavery and genocide (people don't like when I bring up that last one, but tell me the last time you saw millions and millions of American Indians hanging out).
That's right, I answered in earnest. Who wants to fight?

What is your favourite animated show on Comedy Central/Cartoon Network? What is the most over-rated? What do you wish they'd bring back?
Favorite:
Tom Goes to the Mayor (and, though it's not technically animated in the normal sense, I need to say here that the Tim and Eric Awesome Show is one of the most weird, brilliant and forward-thinking things I've seen in I don't know how long)
Least Favorite:
It's sort of a Fox show so I don't know if it counts, but whatever: while I'll admit it does sometimes connect, I have a very deep-seeded hatred of Family Guy for ruining an entire generation's sense of humor. This will win me no friends, but seriously: random half-assed bullshit is not a replacement for comedy or substance. Hey, that reminds me of the time that I had a flashback to an unrelated non-sequitor where I made fun of a forgotton celebrity and then paused for a really really long time!
Wish They'd Bring Back:
Tom Goes to the Mayor... I can't tell if that's been cancelled or not, but if so, I want more.

Let's pretend you meet the most beautiful girl in the world. She loves all the same things you do, and suits you perfectly. The only downside is that she loves Marmaduke. Do you dump her or let it slide?
If we were really that compatible, I could most definitely overlook that one (baffling) flaw. However, we'd probably have to come to some sort of agreement where every time she mentions the comic in a positive light she owes me some sort of deviant sex act.

Have you ever used the term "soul boner" in real life?
Yes, actually... Saw Yo La Tengo a few months ago and came close to getting soul ejaculate on the people standing next to me. The loud songs were loud.

Your ideal sandwich:
A burrito.

7.16.2007

Working Alot

Hey all. The Skip-Raid is unbe-reave-abree busy this week, and you will get to reap all the benefits. I didn't want to leave you hanging with just that lame attempt at a Justin Timberlake-Sexy Back joke, so you get this: a picture of a restaurant I wished I owned (ah named it mahself!)

7.15.2007

I'm bringing sexy back...I mean, I'm taking Monday off.

Good People
There will be no Monday post, as I will be at the bank all morning to discuss my finances.
Basically, Pray...For...Mojo.
See you all Tuesday morning!
The Mayor

7.13.2007

My Newest Obsession: Rate My Turban!

Oh my god, it's RATE MY TURBAN! Are you seeing this? It's like Hot or Not, but with Turbans!! Imagine being Gurbinder or Rasul and checking your profile and going "oh no! I have an overall turban rating of 4.5!! The shame I have brought upon my family!!" or hearing "Nazleen...you will marry this boy. He has good job, good family, and overall turban rating of 9.3! You can't do any better than that!"

Legomania; the deadliest killer. Second only to HIV.

Okay, so let it be known that I love Lego and, despite the fact that I am no longer 6 years old, would love to go to Legoland. I have never been and I would probably die upon entering the gates (which would be the polar opposite to my dissapointing trip to Mega-Bloks Town.)
I am also really obsessed with miniatures, so I wouldn't be going to Legoland to see the car made out of Lego or the T-Rex made out of Lego. Pfft, fuck-a-doodle-doo. I want to see the teeny-tiny little villages and little wee soccer fields. Why? I dunno - guess I have a God complex or something.
So I figured that fo Friday I would take it easy and post a few pretty cool Lego pictures. Enjoy!
PS - Get ready for this Monday when we will be launching INTERVIEW WEEK. Shit, it's gonna be off the hook. See you all on Monday! Have a good weekend!

You know that upside-down staircase drawing by Escher?
Here it is in Lego:
Duck Hunt was a pretty sick game. I love that back in the day, this was as close as you could come to actually killing something. If they can make a working guitar for Guitar Hero, then why can't they re-issue the Duck Hunt gun?
Castlevania Lego? Sick. I'm starting to miss the single frame / head-on format of the old NES games. I liked it. It was like watching television.
This Mortal Kombat scene is pretty good, considering how hard it is to re-create blood with squares.
This scene is missing two things:
- Lego hookers
- Lego rats robbing Lego tourists
Even if all the Legos in this Lego McDonalds have been in a dog's mouth, this is still the cleanest McDonalds you will ever see.
Where's Bart's blue shirt? Why is Millhouse not wearing a wig and singing "Sisters are doing it for themselves"? I will give props where props are due, but come on - look at that living room behind Bart and Van Houten. Dude! You need to spend less time on the Lego Simpsons and more time not on welfare.

Picture of the Day

Sign affixed to a traffic light in NYC. Thanks to Lee H Wilson for sending it in!

7.12.2007

Stop...Boner Time.

I clearly have some sort of weird obession with Harry Potter here, especially since he is younger than kids I used to babysit. Gross!! But this shot of him is pretty hot, so I decided that a 'Stop...Boner Time' segment was long overdue. Then I thought "Harry Potter is hot, but is Mickey Avalon hotter?"
I had a real hard time picking between Daniel Radcliffe and Mickey Avalon, but oooh, Santa Maria, there is something really hot about the greasyness that is Mickey Avalon. I say the Boner Time award goes to Mickey. Am I off? Leave your thoughts.

7.11.2007

Canada's Next Top H&M Employee - Week 7

Well, here we go again! I can't believe there is only one episode left! Next week - Top Model Party at my house! I'll bring the cocaine! I hate to sound like a paranoid hippie, but I am getting a little tired of the blatant product placement parade from week-to-week. I had to make sure it wasn't just my imagination, so I took inventory during this episode. This week, we got treated to:
- Kraft Dinner
- French Connection
- Fashion Magazine
- Filthy McNastys
- Cadillac
- The Humane Society
Also, how much do I LUV Stacey McKenzie?!This week the girls had to be models in an FCUK storefront and it was as boring as you might imagine it. They could have filled the windows with ringers (ie. Plastic Mannequins) and I wouldn't have been able to tell the difference. That's not a good thing. But while Rebecca won the challenge, Sinead won the photoshoot. Fuck-a-doodle-doo.Sinead
Snoresville…but in a good way. People would buy this magazine. I think Sinead is boring as a pile of bundled newspapers on recycling day, but something tells me she’d be fun to hang out with. Maybe I’m only saying that because I secretly think that I could be friends with Natalie Portman (and Kirsten Dunst too…and Chloe Sevigny. Basically I live in a fantasy world).

And where there's a winner, there's also a loser. And WHAT a loser! Who's the model that admitted that "she did the school thing, but she just wasn't into it"? That's right, Cori. Don't worry Cori. You did the school thing. You did the model thing. Now you can do the shift manager at Hollister thing.Cori
She looked like she was going to the senior prom in this shot. J'ya-ee-zuz! Cori is a hot mess. All that crying and hyperventillating and payback with the pictures. You know what Cori reminds me of? That girl that gets dumped and then goes batshit crazy on her ex, like keys his car and eggs his house at night. Ah Cori, you remind me of my youth. Let's look at the remaining 3 "not quite winners, not quite losers":

Rebecca
I'm not even going to waste time saying girl is the shit – you all know that. There are two other things I want to focus on:
- Rebecca’s boyfriend is SUCH A JOCK! Oh my god, what a douchebag! He is such a Brad&Chad! I loved how he got arrested for drunk and disorderly and then proceeded to order double rye and gingers and the bar. Rye and Ginger!! That is SUCH redneck drink! You know what’s even more redneck? When a guy orders a “Rye and Dry”.
- One of my lovely readers pointed out last week that Rebecca looks not like Harland Williams, but like Manson Family member Lynette Fromme aka Red. And to that I say, sweet baby Jesus!

Tia
"We were at the beach
Everybody had matching towels
Somebody went under a dock
And there they saw a rock
It wasn't a rock - It was a rock lobster!
Ah-ah-ah-ah-aaaaaah-ah-ah! Rock Lobster!"

Tara
Remember when Rebecca's jock boyfriend came over, and Tara was all like "I'm happy for Rebecca...but I'm a little sad..." and she was crying? Bitch! Don't front! You don't have a boyfriend!

So there it is! The final 4! I was going to call them The Fantastic 4, but that would be a lie. So let's place bets on who is going to be eliminated next week:
4. Tara
3. Tia
2. Sinead/Rebecca
1. Rebecca/Sinead
Peace! See you all next week!

Picture of the Day

Wooden billboard outside a church.

Wednesday's Featured Artist

Word up, people. I've decided I don't do enough to post about artists (as, let's face it, television and feces are far too interesting). So a while back, I was cruising Gallery of the Absurd and 14 featured a guest artist named Hiltron. Lemme give you the long and short of it: he photoshops celebrities. Which, in of itself is not that interesting. However, his are pretty good. Here are a few of my favourites, but you can see them all here.

This is, by far, my favourite of all. Because you know that if Papa Joe didn't get his little ladies out of Texas, this is what they would look like today. God, I LOVE GlamorShots!

I like this one of Ellen because under the suits and dunks and short hair, she is gorgeous. She has good teeth, I am envious.

The really sad thing is, JLo and Marc Anthony look 1000x better than they do in real life. JLo looks adorable, and Marc Anthony no longer looks like Nosferatu.

Little People, Big World, little Dina!

If any of you have ever wondered what kind of childhood I had or where I grew up, allow me to simply point at this picture.

They say you can tell if someone is truly beautiful if they shave off all their hair. Natalie Portman; gorgeous. Britney Spears; hideous. The same goes for if they gain a ton of weight. If they can still look like a knockout with 200 extra pounds, then they are truly gorgeous. Ignore the neck fat and tell me Pamela Anderson doesn't look pretty. It's totally the mouth again. Great teeth.

...conversely, add a few pounds to someone and they may start to look like a thumb in a wig. Hey hey hey! Not so fast, Candy and Tori Spelling! I'm talking to you!

7.09.2007

My Newest Obsession: Tilly Bloom

Okay, so I'm not sure how I found this website (haunting Craigslist?) but I want 99% of the jewelry on there. Especially this clear acrylic Nautilus necklace. Visit Tilly Bloom to see all the adorable designs. And if anyone wants to get me something cute, I also like these grasshopper and cricket earrings. Adoracute!!!

"Sounds like someone's got a case of the Mondays!"

God, am I ever tired today. I spent all of this weekend looking at apartments and I am tie-tie to the max. Do you understand how draining it is to hike your ass across the city, like, 7 times and go from bus, to subway, to streetcar, to bus, and walking and walking and walking? It was nauseating to say the least. So todays post isn't much of anything but a short-list to Toronto City Landlords:

1. If you own a small house, and each floor is big enough for one apartment, don't turn one into three. It's basic math.
2. If your place smells like piss, it's time to clean up.
3. Placing a bed beside a fridge does not a one-bedroom apartment make.
4. Try not to answer the door to potential tennants smoking and wearing a shirt without a bra. It grosses people out.
5. When we are looking around in your empty unit, don't follow us around. What are we going to steal, the door handles?
6. Don't look at me weird when I flush the toilet. I am checking the water pressure to make sure it can handle dumps. Don't act like you wouldn't do the same.
7. Please don't regale me of stories about how the last tennants had dogs that pissed on the floor everyday. I don't want to live in a place that is haunted by dog urine.
8. When cleaning up the unit to show to potential tennants, try not to have condoms spread out on the bed like a you broke open a fucking adult-themed pinata the night before.
9. Same goes for dirty underwear. Where you never 9? Hide it under your bed.
10. Keep in mind this is where we want to live. If the unit looks like it was moved as-is from Kuwait, then fix it up. Nobody wan't a flophouse (except Crystal Methodists)

7.08.2007

Mega Man Music done in Mario Paint

Okay, first off, this is amazing. Mario Paint is a frustrating-ass game, but to do the entire score of Mega Man? B-E-A-yootiful. Please check it out here at College Humour. It's probaby the best video I've seen in a while. I want this music played as I walk down the aisle at my wedding.

7.06.2007

"Happy Friday Everyone" Quiz

I wasn't sure what to post for today, since I have some pretty tight ideas for next week, but not enough time to execute them today. So I figured, let's take it back to elementary school - it's time for a quiz! Basically, you have to guess who these people dressed up as for Hallowe'en. No, it's not too early to be posting about Hallowe'en. Shut your trap.
Some are pretty easy, and others are really hard. Especially that last one. If anyone gets that, I will be impressed to say the least. Enjoi!