Judging a person based on what they order at a bar (aka How Hipsters Judge People)

I wrote this tasty little lick for Love in Toronto, but I liked it, so I decided to reprint it here. Enjoi!

Okay, so there is really nothing worse than going to a bar/club/funeral, eyeing a hottie, then walking up to them and realizing they are drinking Windex. Jokes, that rarely happens to me. But you know what does happen a lot? I find myself judging people solely on what they choose to drink. Some people say "don't judge a book by it's cover". Yeah, sure. If it walks like a Gino, talks like a Gino ("eeeh, stugatz, ya mangiacake!") and it smells like a Gino, chances are it will be a dirty, roofie-slipping, club-loving Gino. Moving on!

The Down-Home Beer
A person who is drinking a Coors Light or a Canadian is guaranteed no-nonsense. He likes his beer normal and cold and tasty. He is clearly not into impressing anyone and is there to have a good time.

The Craft/Microbrew Beer
This person is a toss-up for me; they are either really really into local beers, or they are a douchebag who is into name-dropping. Make sure to pay attention to how much they drink; are they just holding the bottle as a prop? Steer clear.

The Cheap n’ Dirty Beer
50’s and PBR are good for one thing; getting drunk. If you are looking for meaningful conversation, you will not find it here. You will, however, find a party.

The Expensive Beer
Stella is a good beer to drink out of a bottle. Something weird happens when you put it into a pint glass, and all of a sudden it turns into Jerk Juice. A person drinking expensive beer will talk your ear off about money or their portfolio or whatever. Expensive pints are like a little red light that says ‘the person holding me is boring’.

The Classic Clear

People, let’s get one thing clear (no pun intended): martinis are straight booze. They are not frilly or sweet. They are pretty intense. If you see someone drinking a clear martini (olive or twist) they are serious and like a solid drink. Nobody drinks real martinis looking to get loose and wild, so don’t approach this person if you are pretty tipsy.

The Cosmopolitan
This is my only exception to the martini rule, since Cosmos are pretty heavy with the alcohol. BUT someone drinking a Cosmo can be one of two things:
a) an old fashioned kind of gal
b) a Sex and the City obsessed diva
This is where you have to check out the clothes to verify what you are getting yourself into.

The Appletini/Sourtini/Chocotini/Lychee Martini
Avoid this person like the plague. Trust.

The Rum and Coke

This one is very easy to identify: Coke with a lime in a little glass. I would say no to this person, because Coke reminds me of being a kid, and rum is super sweet. This is the drink for people who just can’t grow up. Also, I'm pretty sure it's the State Drink of New Jersey, so...you know...

The Gin and Tonic
This person knows the value of a good, refreshing drink. This person will listen to you, but will also have witty stories. But beware; if they order a ‘Bombay Tonic’, they are a name dropper and will want you to think that they are someone important. They aren’t.

The Vodka-Soda
This person is pretty plain and likes the taste of vodka (tasteless) and soda (tasteless). Talking to this person will only result in a surprisingly interesting conversation.

The Manhattan

This person is your 80-year-old Grandpa.

The Sex-on-the-Beach/Slippery Nipple/Long Island Ice Tea
This person is either
a) a loser
b) a total loser

The Whiskey on the Rocks
This person is going to be charming as hell.

The Rye and Ginger aka The Rye n' Dry
If the person drinking it is a girl, then she is white trash. If it's a guy, he is also white trash. All in all, people who drink rye and ginger ale grew up in the garbage.

The Apple-Jacks
If you see someone drinking this, you have gone back in time when my friend Alexis is still underage and she is drinking apple juice and Jack Daniels. The best thing to do is to enjoy the moment and bust a move to some C&C Music Factory.

The Red Wine

This person has pompous asshat written all over them. Who goes to a bar and orders a red wine? Red wine is for dinner and sitting in your living room with your friends.

The White Wine
Unless you are drinking a really great (read: expensive) glass of wine, there is no place for white wine outside of a summer patio. Also, this person has no taste. White wine is gross.

The Sangria
This person is there to have a good time with their friends, and not you. Sangria is alcohol’s way of saying “I didn’t come with you, and I’m sure as Hell not leaving with you either”. Also, this person is usually a girl.

The Pina Colada

Are you in Mexico? No? Then do not talk to this person because they will be a non-stop parade of delusion.

The Margarita
Unless the drink is simply lime juice with a shot of tequila over ice, then please see above. If it is a simple drink, then go talk to them; chances are they are a little weird since they are drinking lime juice and tequila.

…and remember…
Never, ever, even on a bet, approach someone drinking a Mojito. Do you really want to be associated with someone who goes out and voluntarily drinks what is essentially mint syrup?


Anonymous said...

The down home beer drinker aka Bob and Doug McKenzie would never try to impress anyone by drinking a "lite" beer..that's for girlie men! Only Molson Ex, Canadian or Labatts Blue...so take off eh!

Anonymous said...

The only reasons a person drinks a tasteless vod-so is their obvious intolerance to all other mixed drinks or their lame attempt to conceal their alcoholism!

The Mayor said...

That's true - vodka is for pussies. It's like rubbing alcohol. No booze for me, thanks. I prefer to get high on life. And by "life", I mean "canister of Redi-Whip".

alexis said...

ohman...this is definitely the best thing i've seen all week...on behalf of all the cabbagetown kids who drank apple jacks at the crosswalk/in shani's room, i'm honoured