8.28.2007

The Hills Season 3 Episode 3 aka "What an Angel"

Aaaahhahah!! I decided to post this pic because it makes me laugh everytime. Look how fake they are! Like puppets.
Did you watch last night?!? Okay, here is the lowdown:
Lauren: went to Bah-rody's beach bbq and was all cute and flirty with him. Stop it, LC! He's a sucky person! But more importantly, he "hooked up" (be that as it may) with Jenn Bunney. Ew ew ew! Sack! His "downstairs" is probably covered in sores shaped like platform sandals.
Audrina: went to the bbq too, and brought along the hottness that is Justin/Bobby. God, he is hot, isn't he? Anyways, they get all cute and then he ditches her, leaving the Rose-decaled Helmet. Aaawwwww, so sad. Anyways, she cries and it looks funny because her jaw always looks wired shut.
Whitney: was AWOL. Bitch, are you for real? Where you bet at? Don't play me like dat girl, or you be put in yo place. I'll drop-kick your ass so hard, Lisa Love will feel it.
Heidi: brought Spencer to her Mom and Stepdad's crib in Bumfuck, Colorado. During dinner, Spencer had a lit-tle too much wine and started acting like a drunk-ass 19th Century ventriloquist dummy. Let's call him PJ McGarriggle. So, PJ McGarriggle has a little too much wobbly pop or wine or moonshine or something and starts doing his LC impression (bang on, if you ask me) for Heidi's Mom. Who is NOT impressed. But before that, Heidi hauls ass to the ladies, and Spencer goes "what an angel". Ew! Summer's Eve alert! How weird is that?!? I love this guy! Or the writers...I guess I love the writers. Anyways, it ends with Heidi being like "Ah lurve this mayan" and PJ McGarriggle going "Ah lurve this here laydee" and smooches and sleepin' on the couch. Do they not have a pull-out for him?
Anyways, it was a pretty uneventful episode. Bah-rody Jenner tripped on his own douchiness and broke his arm or something when they were playing beach football. Lame! Lo went to the party too and was a wet blanket/cyclops as uge. Lamer! There was no Whitney or Les Deux or Teen Vogue or anything. Lamest!!
Anyways, next week, PJ McGarriggle breaks up with Bah-rody Jenner, LC picks up the pieces, Audrina hooks back up with Justin/Bobby, Whitney works hard, the Ventriloquist glues some facial hair to the dummy (Spencer gets a weird goatee), and Lo struggles to see single images (being the crosseyed cyclops she is).
Payce! See you tomorrow for Goddamned Ginger Wednesday!

8.27.2007

The Skip-Raid Interviews 30-Second Bunnies Theatre creator Jennifer Shiman

Today we sit and chat with the creator of The 30-Second Bunnies Theatre, Jennifer Shiman. Without 30-Second Bunnies Theatre, I wouldn't have the patience to watch pieces of crap like Freddy vs. Jason or War of the Worlds. But more than that, she makes awesomely adoracute 30-second movies. Our sincerest thanks for taking the time out of being awesome to answers a few Q's.Additionally, thanks for the cute drawr-ing! Art by Jennifer Shiman

Full name: Jennifer Shiman

Occupation: A cartoonist who animates/A multimedia artist who draws and tries to be funny

Where you live: Los Angeles, CA (grew up in Highland Park, IL)

Where can we find you?
Angry Alien.com

Why bunnies?

Bunnies are cute, boingy and squeezy.

Internet popularity is much different than real-life popularity. If the websites are the classrooms to the Internet's highscool, I would say you are somewhere between the Dance Committee President and Spirit Squad. Where do you think you fit in?
No matter how you slice it, I am a total dork. Maybe president of the dork squad?

What movies would you love to have the bunnies do, but maybe wouldn't be so well-received by your audience?
My Dinner with Andre

Start to finish, how long does it take to make a 30-second bunny film?
About a month.

What was the moment when you thought "wow, this might be lucrative to keep doing this"?
When Starz Entertainment Group emailed me and asked to commission more bunny pieces.

Why Highlander?
Because there can be only one.A still from the 30-Second Bunnies Theatre Napoleon Dynamite

Which movie do you get requests for and think "absolutely not"
There are no absolutes!

Any chance of having a baby and naming it Lil' Woodgie?
Absolutely!

Back in 2003, how many people called you Bennifer?
Not even one person. It's never too late to start, though.

The Skip-Raid is written out of Toronto. What is the most suprising thing you have ever learned about Canadians?
This isn't surprising, but I had the opportunity to visit Toronto last year, and you guys had the very most awesome grocery store I'd ever seen (Editors Note: Loblaws). Another un-surprising thing is that some of the best animation comes from Canada.

Are you proud to be an American
yes!
-ashamed to be an American
yes!
-ashamed to be an American, but only for the last 7 years
yes!

What is your favourite animated show on TV right now (can include shows with puppets)
I don't have a current favorite, but one of my favorite animated shows that used to be on TV is Home Movies.

What were a couple of your favourite obscure toys when you were a kid?
I had a stuffed octopus I named Sase and a stuffed turtle named Topsie. I made up stories and drew stuff about them, some of which appears on angryalien.com

What's your favourite Office Space quote:

"ride the bone roller coaster, whoooooo!"

You ever been to Cracker Barrrel? How awesome is that place, for real.
Yes I have. No road trip is complete without a stop at a Cracker
Barrel. I got the biscuits and gravy. It was awesome.

A long time ago I wrote in and asked you to do Clueless. You think we can make that happen?
Only the bunnies know for sure.

Your ideal sandwich:
A toasted whole wheat bagel that's chewy on the inside, each half smeared with sun-dried tomato spread; shredded basil, a couple of paper-thin slices of red onion and tomato, and maybe a melted slice of swiss. I love sandwiches.

8.24.2007

I honestly thought Craigslist readers were smarter than this.

Okay, so I need to get rid of a bunch of junk at my old house, and rather than selling it, I was just like "fuck it - get it out of my sight" and posted a couple of things on Craigslist. I didn't have a picture of this table I was tossing, so I figured I'd make up a stupid story to get people's attention and maybe they will take this table off my hands. Please click on the image to make it larger, because I want you to know how effing rediculous the story is. In case you can't read it, the table is singing "I feel good". I was thinking of going with "Papa's got a brand new bag", but that just screams Mrs. Doubtfire, and I want people thinking about picking up this free table, not Robin Williams in a fat suit.
Long story short, I got a crapload of emails in my inbox from people who want this table. One such email went like this:
HI
Just curious, but what makes you beleive the table is haunted? Details of this would be much appreciated as Iam fascinated by the whole phenomenon
thanks

So of course I tell her not to test faith, and that is is totally haunted. I was bored. Throught I'd play along. Then I get this reply (I wish I could say I was making this up, but sadly I am copying-and-pasting from my emails):
I appreciate that. However, since Iam doing research on paranormal activities, I would just like to know how you know this table is haunted.
Would you mind giving me details?

I KNOW!! WTF, right? I figured this was some tard playing me, so I decided to have a little fun:
The table speaks to me at night time singing "its a man's world" real loud, and then I go downstairs and the table is raiding my liquor cabinet and stealing money from me to blow on drugs. Then the table will get up to leave and the couch cushions will put a cape over the table's shoulders. Then, just when you think the table is gone, he throws off the cape and comes back in. Sometimes the table gets into fights and slaps bitches around. Usually this all calms down when my lamp (which is haunted by the ghost of Ray Charles) steps in to intervene. This happens at least 3, maybe 4 times a week. Its getting a little rediculous. Thats why i am giving it away.
Everybody appreciates a little humour, so I was a little stunned to get this back:
What? Yeah right
Uh, exsqueeze me? Baking powder? Is this bitch for real?
No, for serious. You can totally come to my house and see it. It will steal money from you too! Don't come over with coke in your pockets, or it will take it.
You pick the table up at:
123 Fake St (major interseciton of Gullible and Moron)
Paranormal Activities are Bullshit-ville
Are you serious? Lady, you need to get out more.

I thought this would be the end of it. I thought she would read it and go "you know what? I am a bit of an idiot. A table haunted by the late James Brown? What was I thinking?" But nooooo....
ummmm no you do
you posted it. you wasted peoples time and energy
I only answered becasue I was curious how you thought the table was haunted.
so there

Lesson Learned: some people do not have a sense of humour. And to the 25 other people who emailed me about the table, pick it up Saturday!
Have a great weekend, urrbods!

8.23.2007

The Skip-Raid Reviews: Skinema

Okay, so when I interviewed Lesley Arfin (ey not ie), one of the questions I asked her was how she found Chris Nieratko so irresistably charming. I told her I had read the book, which was a tiny bit of a lie, since at the time I was interviewing her I had only read half. Anyways, I am done now and I can safely say that my boyfriend has some surrious competition. Not that it would matter, cause Chris Nieratko is married. But I can pretend, right? Like my boyfriend's name is Chris, so its basically the same. Maybe I can even start calling him Nieratko in an adorable nickname way. Right now I call him Killjoy Penny Pincher, because he is always ragging my cord about buying stuff we don't need. Like a Microplane. Which I want. Anyways, the book doesn't review porn, it's just a compilation of cute anecdotes and thoughts. So, Lady Judging Me on the Streetcar, I'm not reading porn. I'm reading a book. I know it's hard to wrap your mind around a book that isn't The DaVinci Code or Confessions of a Shopaholic (something I totally don't get; how can you be an -aholic to shopping? Like Bob Saget says in Half-Baked "you aren't addicted to something till you have sucked dick for it". Lady, have you ever sucked dick for shopping? No, because that's impossible.) So yeah, stop being a b'yotch and tsk-tsk-ing me when you see me reading on the Streetcar. I can do as I please. If I want to make a flipbook from nude shots of Pete Doherty and read it in front of a group of summer day-camp kids, I will. I wasn't raised in the garbage though, so I won't. I have little tolerance for people who get on the bus or streetcar or whathaveyou, and there will be plenty of open seats, and they choose to sit beside me and judge. You know what I'm talking about. The raised-eyebrow look-away judge. Lady, there are 10 other free seats - find one, or I'll find one for you.
Long story short, I surriously reccomend buying Skinema. Cause you know that the banner ads for Skinema and Dear Diary won't be leaving the VICE website anytime soon, so you might as well give in.
RATING: Like an empty public washroom when you have diarreah

8.20.2007

This isn't the first time I've dreamed about Saved By The Bell.

Okay, so I'm sure you're thinking "come on, can you not have a better post for Monday Morning that a play-by-play of one of your lame dreams?"
To that I say when talking about Saved By The Bell, there are no lame dreams. With that being said, my dream was that I went to this Starz on Ice show called "Highschool USA Beach Party". It was just a thinly veiled Saved By The Bell rip-off. The only stars in it were Mario Lopez (AC Slater) and Lark Voorhies (Lisa Turtle) and they played characters called DC and Stacy who were the most popular kids at a California Highschool called Bayside High. Yeah, that one was a direct rip-off. I guess my brain started to get lazy or something. Anyways, they had to compete against the rival highschool "to win". To win, what? My dream never said. They just had to win, and I respected that. So yeah, then Mario Lopez and Lark Voorhies had to compete via Tandem Surfing. It was like pairs skating, except with surfboards. Also, this is still an ice show, so they were on skates. Lark kept digging into Mario's shoulder with her skate and he kept going "watch it, you stupid bitch!!" into his mic, which for whatever reason they never cut off or removed. He basically cursed through the whole thing, going from hokey dialogue to horribly offensive swearing: "Whoah! Hang 10 Stacy, here comes the Big Kahuna of waves!! You stupid piece of shit, watch your skate or I'll knock all your teeth down the back of your throat!"
Everyone in the audience was so unphased, as if all they heard was the first part and that was all they could focus on: "Oh my god, Diane, do you think they will make it?!?!" Meanwhile, I'm sitting there going "Oh shit, did Lark Voorhies just backhand Mario Lopez?!?!"
I guess my subconcious brain was getting bored too, cause the dream ended with me sitting in the audience thinking about what snack foods they had at the concession. Would they have nachos? Would they have cotton-candy? Can they sell beer? Can I get a beer? I only have $5. Then I woke up. I never found out if DC and Stacy won, but I guess they did. Not many Ice Shows have crazy twist endings (unless they are written by M. Night Shyamalan)

8.16.2007

The Skip-Raid Interviews Lesley Arfin

Today we sit and chat with the First Lady of VICE, Dear Diary's Lesley Arfin. She just published her first book, and I figured now was as good a time as any to bother one of my heroes. Our sincerest thanks for taking the time out of being awesome to answers a few Q's.Full name: Lesley Ericha Arfin

Occupation: Writer/hotel reservationist

Where you live: New York City, lower east side

Where we can find you:
Leslie's Myspace
cafeconlesley.blogspot.com

Okay, so after reading Dear Diary, I have come to two conclusions: 1) you and I have lead the exact same life (minus heroin and bathtub bestfriend business) and that we are essentially the same person.
2) your story is totally relateable.
Which is more likely?
Good question. Could go either way. I'm thinking the former though, just to play it safe.

Is there any drug you didn't do?
I've never done peyote (regretfully). I also never shot cocaine into my arm (also regretfully-I hear it's pretty good). I never drank moonshine.

Amy Winehouse - actually does as many drugs as people say, or all-talk?
I'm sure she does a lot of coke and doesn't eat. I don't know. She seems nervous, paranoid, and teeth-grindy. Maybe she does pills? I'm sure she does something.

In your junkie days, how much could you out-junkie her?
Oh my God, dude! I would tooootally OD harder than her!

Are you and Chloe Sevigny total BFFs now?
I wouldn't say we're total BFF's but if I got a haircut she would be in the top 8 people I'd call.

When you have kids, what will you name them?
I'm SO not telling! People steal names! One name I like for a girl is Max and for a boy I like Alvie. You can have those.

Did you ever play the game Girl Talk?
I did indeed. That one came with a cassette tape, right?

Now that you're off the sauce, what's your favourite drink?
I enjoy a water-tini, which is water in a martini glass. I also like an Arnold Palmer (iced tea and lemonade mixed) and a drink I call "Aunt Flo" which is actually just cranberry juice. Giving drinks names makes them taste better.

How big of a douchetard is Pharrell?
You know, maybe he's cool, whatever. My experience was that he was a total fucking loser asshole. He don't impress me much.

I used to own a pair of those half-cowboyboots (the ones that were at the ankle) and we used to call them Texas Slips. How effing uggers were those?
Texas Slips? NICE.

The Skip-Raid is written out of Toronto. What is the most suprising thing you have ever learned about Canadians?
That I really love them.

This is Lesley's book. I suggest you buy it because it is really really awesome, and it's only like $20, so you have no excuse.

What are a couple of non-stop annoyances about New York? What do you love so much?
What I don't like about New York is the amount of money I give to it. What I love is that I can yell "Fuck you, you fucking shithead!" when some dude in a cab cuts me off and no one really bats an eye. There are weird rules and contests New Yorkers have that no one talks about, but if you live here long enough you get a sense. I love what separates "Us" from "Them". You can only know what I'm talking to if you live here. I think it's called The New York Groove.

Okay, so when you interviewed Chris Nieratko, you said that you read Skinema and totally understood how he got girls. Can you explain this, because I also read Skinema, and while it makes me wanna be friends with him, it does not make me want to have a 'bathing suit-area party' with him. PS - how do you pronounce his last name? I have been saying it "near-ATT-ko".
I'm pretty sure you're pronouncing it correctly. After (and during) Chris's book I got horny. And I thought he looked cute in some of the pictures. Any guy that has a really dirty but very quick mind is immediately attractive to me. His humor is such an obvious defense mechanism for his vulnerabilities I was just like, "awww."

One time I was at a concert and Kathleen Hanna was standing beside me and I almost shit my pants. What did it feel like to dance with her?
I have to admit I felt pretty cool. Granted, she was drunk and doesn't really remember. It's funny what seems insignificant to some people mark milestones in other people's lives. Not that dancing or talking to her was a milestone per say, but it was something that I'll never forget and our conversation made a strong impact. I've seen her since and the excitement is gone, probably because I'm older and less insecure. Still, I will always think of her as one of my favorite artists.

When is the last time you were really dicky to someone?
Two weeks ago I blew up at my co-worker and made her cry, I'm ashamed to say.

Okay, so I started taking some anti-anxiety meds, and I gained like 15 lbs. I'm tall, so it doesn't show that bad, but I still feel like a fat whale. How did you lose your post-BFC weight?
I'll let you know that it took me about 2 years to get a weight I feel comfortable with (today I'm 5'2 and weigh 113-pretty normal). I started eating better. I ate more whole foods, complex carbs, fruits, veggies-all that. The longer I'm sober, the more I respect my body and care for it. I rode a bike a lot but haven't in a while (I should). I take vitamins and try not to eat when I'm bored. I also smoke a shitload of cigarettes

Who and what do you love the most right now?
Yikes. I love Joseph Campbell (wiki him). I love the band The Virgins. I love hard boiled eggs (just the whites). I love holistic and homeopathy medicinal cures. I love not believing in psychics. I love corn in August, Scott Lenhardt, and Sophie McInnes. I love redheads that have tons of freckles.

Your ideal sandwich:
I'll stick with my classic: roast beef, lettuce, mayo, and either Swiss or Munster cheese on a roll. I also am a fan of tuna fish with pickles. Crazy I know!

The countdown is on.

Good people, you know how skeptical I am of this whole Geico Caveman Sitcom (ie. that its a fake) and I am starting to get all pumped up for the premier October 2nd, at 8pm on ABC. People, trust. This is going to be like the most elaborate version of Just for Laughs Gags. WHich is what I truly want to believe; but after viewing ABCs fall line-up, I have to say - Cavemen is looking a lot more believable by the minute. Here are a few other shows on ABC that I guarantee you, are not fakes:
- Cashmere Mafia (let me guess...Desperate Housewives meets The Sopranos)
- Samantha Who? (This sounds like a shitty Veronica Mars rip-off)
- Women's Murder Club ("..okay, here's the pitch: a group of desperately bored housewives start a book club, but then they accidentally kill someone! Then they have to kill more to cover it all up! But by day, they are still pearls-and-twinset housewives!"
"Johnson, you're a genius! That's nothing like Desperate Housewives! Greenlight it!")
- October Road (this probably has something to do with football/teenagers/the army/middle-America, or all of the above)
Anyways, what I am getting at here is that with all the other shit that ABC has green-lit, I really wouldn't put it past them to actually make a show out of a bunch of sort-of funny commercials. What do you think? Will Cavemen be this year's 30 Rock? (Oh God, I take it back - nothing can compare to the irresistable charm of Liz Lemon and Tracy Jordan!)

8.15.2007

Bart vs. black Bart on jewelled skull

This is probably the best painting I have ever seen. Sorry for the short post today, but I am sort of stuck-at-the-station, if you will. I have a disorder that manifests itself on my skin. So like, if I get stressed or something, it shows. Anyways, I was doing pretty good until about 2 weeks ago. I moved into a new place and it is taking a bit to get adjusted. Anyways, my right hand looks like Freddy Kruger. So, I better get on top of that before it spreads. I don't want to go as Rocky Dennis for Hallowe'en (ps - is anyone pumped for Hallowe'en yet?)

"Can you make it look like she has, oh, I don't know, less of a penis?"

Click to make big.
Okay, so for serious, how much do you love photo-retouching? That shit is esspensive - it takes a lot of dollars to disguise the face of a Crystal Methodist. I came across these while cruising DListed this morning and thought to myself I'd say that's a good post for The Skip-Raid. So, for all the pics of beat-down turdlebrities, hit up iWanex Studio. Most of them are just little things, like making Lindsay Lohan look less Ginger-ashy, or making Halle Berry brighter. The other some, however. What a horror show. Real freaky-like. Here are my faves:
"Nooooookellyclarkson!!"
Seriously, click to make this one big. Ben-yon-say looks pissed!
"Nice to meet cha, hope it's not spara-dickly!"Check out iWanex for the rest.

8.14.2007

The Hills, Season 3, Episodes 1 & 2 aka "Let's go roll up on her"

Holy holy hell! Did you watch last night's Hills-a-palooza? Fuck yes, you did! What else were you doing? Oh, having a life, you say? Yeah, liar. Anyways, here's a funny story - I actually auditioned to be an Aftershow Member, and wah-waaah, guess who got served? With no Aftershow position, that is. Me. So, MTV if you are reading, it's not too late to call me up and have me come on the show with my special brand of TV Nerdery. You can't teach that stuff - you have to live it. Lots of Friday and Saturday nights spent in your livingroom watching TGIF and SNL.
Well, now that I have outed myself as a complete loser, let's get on to business, shall we? Here's your Hills Roundup!Okay, so last night I was marvelling at LC playing with a kitten in a sweater, when I realized "oh snap, Ashes was replaced / put down". Then I see ashes falling off the kitchen counter when it hits me; LC now owns 2 cats. Uh oh, LC, watch it girl - I know girls with 2 or more cats, and let's just say they are not as well-adjusted as they used to be. As well, LC was working some serious cut-eye at Les Douche. And rightly so! Heidi was there with Dingleberry Dan and they were Douching up the joint. Besides, Heidi and Spencer are the reason LC is now fondly referred to by some as Beef Curtains. Aw, Beefy-C, cheer up. Heidi looks like a Laguna Soccer Mom now. You are better off.Speaking of Heidi, why do her and Spencer look like they have been shopping at Target Heartland all of a sudden? Did you notice that? I bet if you took a look in their shopping cart, you'd find boxes of Sun-In and Hawaiian Tropic oil. They look so cheap! If you told me the combined cost of their clothes was $40, I would believe you. Did you not laugh your ass off when Heidi was like "here is my guest list...Lauren and Audrina, and Whitney". Okaaaye, so your guest list is 2 people that hate even the sight of you, and someone you only know through the people who hate you. Yeah, Heidi - you have no friends. Her guest list should have been Jen Bunney and Elodie. Her only friends. Aw, poor kid.Okay, Audrina is growing on me. You guys know how much I didn't really like her back in the day, but I guess she is okay now. She seems like an okay friend, and I can learn to like her despite her terrible, terrible neck tattoo. Also, I can like her because maybe she will let me have sloppy seconds with Justin-Bobby. Fuck all y'all, he is hot. Hat and everything. Okay, so Whitney is always class, but did you catch that thing in the This Season, on The Hills when Whitney was like "Brody and I kissed". Whaa?!?! Lauren! You gotta curb that shit! Whiteny is too good for Brody. Yes, he is hot as hell, but he is a douchebag to the extreme! You can't let Whitney hit that - she'll get herpes! Valtrex everyday for life! Lauren, Whitney is a fragile flower - she just broke up with her boyfriend. You can't let her get down on Mr. Ex-Nicole Ritchie.
Oh man, this season is going to be juicy. However, it is scripted to high-hell, so you know that everything is ultra-predictable. Here are my predictions (Miss Cleo styles)
- Heidi will decide last minute that Spencer is not right for her, and she will leave him
- Lauren will take her back, because thats what true friends are all about
- Whitney will get a job at real Vogue or something. That, or herpes from Brody Jenner
- Audrina will find true love not with Justin-Bobby
- one of the cats will die (Ashes, cause he is uggers)
- Jen Bunney will follow her true calling, Hooters girl

8.13.2007

The Skip-Raid Interviews Savage Love's Dan Savage

Today we sit and chat with the man who has the answers to every sex question you've ever wanted to ask. The King of the back-page of free urban weeklies, Dan Savage. Our sincerest thanks for taking the time out of writing Savage Love to answers a few Q's. Full name: Dan Savage

Occupation: Sex-advice Columnist

Where you live: In stupid, stupid Seattle, Washington, the Paris of its own imagination.

Link to your website/myspace:
The Stranger

Did you go to college or university? How do you feel about that?
I went to the University of Illinois. I feel... gee, pretty good about it. I don't actually think about my college years that often -- with fondness or regret. They just... were. Had some fun, met some nice boys, broke some hearts, got mine broken. Used some drugs, got some education. The stuff you're supposed to do at college.

In your opinion, who is the most over-rated sex/relationship columnist?
That would have to be me.

If you could have lunch with anyone, who would it be?
Lunch with: New York Times columnist Frank Rich and Christopher Hitchens.
Lunch off: Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Raphael Nadal.

What is the best thing about being a Dad? What's the worst?
The best thing is, well, these weird, blissed-out moments that are impossible to see coming and hard to categorize. Sometimes you just have a moment with your kid -- an off-the-wall conversation, a laughing fit, a loving, mellow few minutes sitting quietly together -- and you think, "Oh, this is why I put up with all the other crap." The worst thing... the constant, nagging fear that some terrible thing is about to happen, has happened, or will happen to your child. I am my mother now.

Between you and your boyfriend, who is more likely to let your son eat a bowl of sugar for dinner or change his name to Frankenstein?
Neither of us is that soft a touch -- we're pretty firm, particularly about food. But of the two, I'm the slightly softer touch. I'm more easily manipulated, and begging can wear me down quicker. So me, I guess.

Are you aware of how cool you are? Do people stop you in the street or do you get fan mail?
I am not aware of how cool I am. I think I suck. People do sometimes stop me on the street to tell me I'm cool. But you know what? Bothering a writer or any other public figure in public is something that only deeply uncool people do. Cool people go, "Oh, hey, there's that writer/actor/musician. He's walking down the street with his family. I guess I'll let them be." Uncool people go, "Oh, there's that writer/actor/musician. He's having dinner with his family. I'm going to go introduce myself and ask him in a loud voice in front of his small child about these sores on my dick." When the people that tell you're cool are not cool themselves, well, you wonder about their judgment where cool is concerned.

Do you ever get letters that you can't print, for legal reasons or otherwise?
Sometimes, but it's pretty rare. I rarely talk to my lawyer -- I have a lawyer, isn't that cool? -- I just use my common sense. Letters that give a lot of identifying detail about the people involved, and include accusations of illegal activity, don't get into the column often.

What's the saddest letter you ever got?
I'm always saddened by letters from teenage boys who got their girlfriends pregnant and their girlfriends refuse to get abortions, as promised. They ask, "What can I do? Is my life over?" And I answer, "Nothing, and yes -- at least for the next 18 years." If I were a straight teenage boy I wouldn't come inside a vagina is my life depended on it. I'd fuck ass, tits, throat, and elbows until I found the girl I wanted to marry and make babies with.

Do you feel that the term Santorum might be getting a little overused (not by you, by others)?
No. The senator may be history, but the substance is immortal. We needed a name for that stuff.

The Skip-Raid is written out of Toronto, Ontario. What is the most suprising thing you have ever learned about Canadians?
That your head-of-state can be elected with far less than 50% of the popular vote. I thought that kind of crap only happened down here.

Are you:
Proud to be an American
Ashamed to be an American
Ashamed to be an American, but only for the past 7 years

-Yes, sometimes.
-Yes, sometimes.
-Oh, no. I was ashamed before Bush came along. I remember when Ronald Reagan was president, and this Bush's asshole father. Those were shameful times too -- and we got through them. I'm not so sure we're going to get through W, but we'll have to die trying.

What is your favourite animated show on Comedy Central/Cartoon Network? What is the most over-rated?
Uh... animated show? I kind of liked Drawn Together, but only because I had a crush -- seriously -- on Zander. Oh, and I love Southpark, but I don't think of it as an animated show, really. Those characters are as real to me as my own relatives.

Other than The Onion and The Stranger, name 3 things about Madison, Wisconsin that are cool:
The Essen Haus (german beer-and-sausage place), Himel Chulee (sp? hymalain sp? restuarant), and all the hot Wisconsin boys.

What are you really obsessing over lately?
Raphael Nadal and the presidential race down here -- in that order. If only Raphael would run for president!

Who's talent or skill do you wish you had?
I wish I could tap dance, skateboard, and auto-fellate. I'm not sure who has all those talents, but whoever does, I want 'em.

Your ideal sandwich:
My boyfriend Terry sandwiched between Raphael Nadal and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I just want to watch.

8.11.2007

Huge Surprise Interview on Monday!!

Hey all - just getting you pumped up for Monday's Suprise Interview. You will crap your pants. Trust.
See you Monday!

8.10.2007

Anatomy of a Picture

At work, we are trying to convince our boss that getting an Office Cat will increase productivity and team building. Shyeah right, we just want it to pet and feed and occasionally tease in a funny/mildly cruel way. In hopes of tempting our boss to spend his lunch hour at the SPCA, I told him that we could train the cat to do our bidding and sent him this picture. I think it worked. Let's take a look at what we have here:1. Judging by the term 'esse' this cat is Latino (aka A Cholo)
2. This cat is a member of the Crips
3. This cat killed someone in prison (tear tattoo)
4. This cat has been shivving so many stoolies, he has bent up his switchblade and will probably ask Santa-Cat for a new one for Christmas
5. This cat needs to lay off the Camels or else he will start to smell like Kirsten Dunst

Have a good weekend Homies! I should have the internet at my house this weekend, so expect a lot less half-assed posts next week.
Peace / Mrrow

8.07.2007

Apologies and RIPs

Guys, there will be no Skip-Raid tomorrow, in lieu of the funeral for my friend Steph's brother Brent. Apologies, but I'm sure you understand.
- The Mayor

8.02.2007

Jesus has answered my prayers!

First off, thanks for putting up with me during my 48hr hiatus. I needed to get some shit done, like packing my stuff. I got evicted, y'all! Jokes, am moving. Anyways, I just found out that VH1, the classiest television channel in the WORLD, has started casting for Flavor of Love 3. That's right - Foofy Foof didn't find love the first two times, so he's back for round 3 of the skank parade. Flavor is getting greedy - I can't even begin to imagine how much it costs for VH1 to borrow strippers from their clubs for 6 weeks. That's a lot of lost wages! Anyways, you know that New York won't be back - she is done with FF. But you know who I am praying makes a triumphant return? New York's Mama!
Pure class. But with 2nd Season's shitting in the house, New York meltdown, and lapdancing on 3-6 Mafia (or whoever the hell it was), how will Season 3's ladies top last seasons? Will someone give birth in the pool? ("Jigglez, you can't have no baby in tha pool!") Will someone violently attack Flavor Flav? (God, I hope so) Will Chuck D come to the house and finally tell Flav that he has brought a world of embarrassment on the good name of Public Enemy? Will the ladies rooms be decorated in Ikea linens? (Yes) Cross your fingers, and maybe the television Gods will bless us with something even worse!

Chris D, the cutest guy in the world, just got his wisdom teeth out and I hope he is feeling better. Save me some T3's!

8.01.2007

2 day vacation.

Schorry Schenoritas, but I am taking today and tomorrow off. Why? I am busy/lazy. Also, I am moving soon and am up to my poop shute in boxes. So, why not peruse the posts of yore? Go back a couple of months and pretend you nothing about Paris going to jail. Or re-read your favourite interview. Or, you can check out this week's article from Yours Truly at LoveInToronto.com right here.
See you on Friday!!