9.30.2007

Good Morning, Baltimore...I mean, Montreal

Bonour friends. So, the Skip-Raid is going to be a little different this week. Why? Cause I skipped town this week (I owe some very dangerous men a lot of money). So where in the world is The Mayor? Fuck, didn't you read the title of today's post? Shit, I'm in Montreal. It's called Kumon, look into it. Anyways, where am I going with this? Oh yeah, okay so my work kindly gave me a week off, and I decided to hit up Montreal and I'm staying with my friend Lauren. If you have never been to Montreal, let me tell you - everything VICE magazine says about it is true. But just how many differences are there between Montreal and your average piece of shit seventh-circle of Hell aka Toronto? Let's take a look:
- In Montreal they have Tam-Tams, a weekly event where hippies drum on the mountain all goddamned day and play hackey-sack and shit. In Toronto, this same event is called Getting Arrested.
- In Montreal, American Apparel employees are friendly and help you find what you need. They smile and laugh and start a change room for you right away. I know, right? It's like Bizzaro World.
- Asians speak French in Montreal. I know!!!
- All the houses in Montreal have stairs on the outside, and they are very steep. If for some reason The Skip-Raid isn't being updated, then it means I have fallen down the stairs of my friend's home and I am now dead, and basically I would really appreciate it if you came to my funeral.
- I sort of miss Kensington Market.
- I do not miss all the Douchebags, Dickweeds, and Assmunches.
UPDATE!! Pamela Anderson is apparently engaged to Rick "one night in paris" Solomon. What the fuck?!? Pam! What are you doing? Jesus Christ, are you that lonely? Get a dog!
- Couche-Tard is only funny the first two or three times.
- They sell booze in grocery stores here, eh?
- I have found there are lots of cats here, and they are always wandering in and out of yards and homes. Also, I want one.
- I haven't seen anyone draped in Louis Vuitton or Gucci and I likes it.
- Vertigo commericals are rip-offs from a Quebec website called www.tetesaclaques.com and it SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME.
That's it for now! Wait for my Hills post tomorrow - I am going to try my damnedest to watch it online and come back to you with an amazing play by play, but for now I will be eating a lot and watching some French TV and shopping at Village du Valleur (shit, Value Village - come on, Kumon is only $40 a month)

9.28.2007

Boner Time OVER!

People, I came across this picture this morning on DListed and let's just say, it was too damn early in the morning for my heart to get broken. Now, its no secret that I am a huge Jason Schwartzman fan (even during the coke/Selma Blair years). But when it comes down to it, my heart belongs to Adrien Brody. He is the King Of Lady Boners. So fine. Anyways, when I happened across this picture, my first thought was a resounding Hell to the L to the No, Bobby B! Wha' Happun?!? He's Lady Boner Repellant! Here's is what I think needs to happen:
The Hair: cut it
The Shirt: lose it
The Belt: yeah, you are not imagining it - it's that lame
The Man-joorey: melt them all down and make me a wedding ring (make me an honest woman)
The Jeans: liiiiiiitle tighter...
Trust. Adrien is a hot piece if he stops fighting it. Sigh. Know what's rull sad thought? Jason Schwartzman is all cleaned up and wearing a good suit, and the hair is good...and yet? Too short, take it back. Adrien could be wearing a head-to-toe turd suit and you'd still be like "On one hand, Adrien smells like dog feces...but, Jason is only 5'7....hhmm...this is a tough one"

9.27.2007

America's Next Top Model 9:2 (its a long one!)

I have some exciting news that I figured I would share today, since most of you read The Skip-Raid on Thursdays (I am like Miss Cleo, I know everything. You're a Libra). Anyways, rull quick:
The Skip-Raid has an Intern!
No, I didn't adopt a cat. His name is Tyler and he will be running errands for me, like getting me coffee, smokes, or scoring black-tar heroin. In addition to several more illegal activities I have planned (two sets of prints, people. Two sets of prints) he will be contributing his 2 cents on Thursdays for a little segment I like to call "Tyler the Intern's International House of ANTM" or something. I can't think of a better name right now. Anyways, let's all welcome Tyler aka T-Bone aka Tube-Top.

The Skip-Raid has joined Bite-TV's Website!

That's right, every Friday you can visit Bite's Blog and get your weekly pop-culture roundup courtesy of moi. The Mayor is going big time! Looks like it's time to celebrate with some black-tar heroin! Speaking of junkies, let's talk about ANTM now.

Okay, so as you may or may not know, last week I missed 80% of the show, which sucked. But honestly? The first episode is a steaming pile anyways, so who cares. On to the good stuff, I say. I was so confused last night when I saw that huge cruise ship - I honestly thought they were filming Season 9 on a boat, like Breaker High (I WISH!!!) but sadly, no. They are in the house again. Meh, what can you do? I loved when they got into the house, and they all acted like little orphans who have never seen a bed before. They're all running around screaming "BEDS!!! TOWELS!! RUNNING WATER!!" And they have that new Bio-Diesel bus to truck their assess around - how much did that thing sort of remind you of the IKEA shuttle? Don't act like you have never rode that deathtrap. Moving on. Here is what I thought of a few of our regulars this week:

Tyra
No smoking, eh? I can't wait to see the models get all antsy and angry when they go through nicotine withdrawl. And the Old Navy challenge? Tyra's wig tape must have gone up in price, cause that's the only explanation I have for getting Old Navy involved. When I think of top models, like Jessica Stam, Lisa Cant, Agyness Deyn, or Miss D Daria, I totally think of discount-retailer Old Navy.
Miss J
"The bad news is, we lost your luggage. The good news is, you can borrow clothes from Nigel Barker!"
Benny Ninja
Is so scary!
Jay Manuel
CNTM not paying the bills? Had to come crawling back to Tyra? I don't blame you buddy. The entire budget for CNTM is the same as Tyra's budget for wig tape.

Here is my rundown of the girls. I am NOT posting their pictures because they are all bland. To check out their "model shots", hit up The CW here.

Ambreal
Is she 40? Can someone check her ID? Ambreal, alright. Ambreal old.
Bianca aka Binaca
She is my fave!! You know that once they get rid of that crappy purple hair, she will be awesome! You can already tell she is gonna be the HBIC in that house.
Chantal
Oh my god, when she was on the balcony crying about LA, I wanted to push her right off. She's so one of those midwestern Nebraska losers that's like "I ain't be done big city livin' before!" She will be gone very very soon. Also, something to note: she looks like a blonde Adrianne Curry.
Ebony
She's a bitch, and she needs to put some pants on. She is super-pretty, though.
Heather
This is the one with Aspergers. I feel bad for her. I hope that during her make-over, they dye her hair black and make her look like Dita Von Teese. She totally has a chance of winning, cause Tyra loves a sob story.
Janet
In her photos, ho looked like Sharon Osbourne, stright up. Janet is a redneck at heart.
Jenah
Who?
Kimberly
She is this season's Gina from CNTM. Just like school in July: no class. She will be voted out, and be working at Whiskey a Go-Go within 24 hours.
Lisa
Homegirl bugs me, but I'm not sure why. Hmmm...why is it..something I can't quite put my finger on...maybe it's because she IS NOT TOP-MODEL MATERIAL!! She does seem pretty fun though, so maybe we will get some good jokes in this Cycle.
Mila
I was taking notes when I was watching last night, and I wrote down 2 words for Mila: Hollister and Laguna Beach. And since she has a ho's chance in church of being added to Laguna, The Hills, or Newport Harbour (which I have yet to watch), then I am guessing that we could find Mila working the door at Hollister in the Saugus Mall (I did my research!)
Saleisha
I could easily make a joke about Saleisha winning the Old Navy challenge and how her name contains the word sale, but I won't. I don't think I need to make the connection between the cheapness of Old Navy and Saleisha's cheap wig. I don't. Don't make me go there.
Sarah
I don't see her lasting.
Victoria
Ugh, she reminds me of Anne of Green Gables. Additionally, she has this high and mighty "I go to Yale" attitude that makes me want to barf. She will be gone soon.

9.21.2007

The AV Club answered my question!!

Hey Urrbods! So, this morning I was reading The Onion's AV Club (which I do everyday because it is great) and they have a segment called Ask The AV Club. So, I wrote in a Q and they answered it! Check it out here. Maybe you are familiar with what I asked about?

Friday Weekly Roundup

Okay, so I'm not doing a roundup because I am bored, its because I am lazy. There is a very big difference. The actually, unfunny reason is because I woke up with a blistering headache and a cold this morning. Anyways, here are your little Skip-Raid newsfeeds for today (I like to call them Nuggets of Luv)

My favourite of your Jelly Belly suggestions was Pumpkin Pie (from Jenn L), Donut (from Anaheim), and Bourbon (from Thomg). I would also like to see Funnel Cake, but I think that's just because I went to Canada's Wonderland last Sunday.

Would you people like to see fellow Skip-Raid reader Tylerface have a little weekly ANTM blurb? I would too. If you are Tyler, please email me at skipraid@gmail.com (cause I lost your email)

Speaking of The Hills (...wait, what?) I found out that you can watch Seasons 1 & 2 of both The Hills and Laguna Beach on Rogers on Demand (for my American readers, that would be like your Comcast or something. Cable provider, you know what I am saying). So, looks like I know what I am doing this weekend.

File this under nobody asked, but I have decided to go against logic and one certain know-it-all scientist and do a week of the Master Cleanse. Sound familiar? Its what Beyonce did to lose 22 lbs for Dreamgirls and what Jared Leto did when he gained all that weight for that movie nobody saw. Anyways, I'll keep you posted.

If you haven't yet eaten today, read my favourite story from Dlisted this week right here. I think the pictures are my favourite part of the story.

I still hate Dane Cook. Good Luck Chuck was created to keep people stupid.

Have a great weekend eveyone! Peace.

9.20.2007

ITS BACK! America's Next Top Model Cycle 9!

Click to make big, if you care.

Okay, so first off, a big fat Happy Birthday goes out to daily reader / sometime commenter Jenn L. It was her birthday yesterday and she totally deserves a shout-out this morning. With that being said, its back to business.
Last night, I only caught the last 5 minutes of ANTM (I was babysitting, and when given the choice, my 3 year old cousin would rather watch Franklin the Turtle and Little Bear. Thems the gears)
But here is what I caught:
- Tyra looked really pretty. Really, the girl could gain 300 and she'd still be gorgeous. Although Tyra in that picture above isn't even Photshop anymore; that's a full cut-and-paste job. Tyra's head, someone else's body (Naomi Campbell maybe?)
- What's the deal with all the skinny minnies in this Cycle?!? This whole crop of models is giving Cha Cha Diva a run for her money.
- One of the girls has Asperger Syndrome?
- Cycle 9's theme is The Future? Quick! Somebody book Disney's Space Mountain! We need a tacky, over-the-top Space-themed photoshoot!
- The international destination is China? It's about damn time. They should totally do a shoot or two with those white ceramic cats with the paw up that waves. You know what I am talking about. I had a bank once of that cat. I think he wears a red scarf?

9.19.2007

All the interviews are back

Hey kids - rull quick. You asked for them, and now they are back. You can find all The Skip-Raid Interviews right here. Why not go back and enjoy reading them? Don't question me, just do it.

9.13.2007

I can smell what The Rock is cooking, and it appears he is sauteeing a shit

Haven't I seen this movie before? Big tough guy babysits a bunch of kids and a dog? Wait, let's narrow that down a little. Big tough guy who no longer has any form of gainful employment who is one paycheque away from sucking dick for creatine babysits a bunch of kids and a dog? Yeah, that's better. I have seen this before!What the fuck, Disney? Who the hell are you getting to do these posters for you, a 15 year old? And is he doing them the night before? After Lost? Jesus Christ, its the same goddamned typeface and everything! When will this horrible circle of shitty tough guy-cum-babysitter movies end?What does Hulk Hogan think about this? I bet I know what Hulk Hogan is thinking:
Come onnnnn, get it together Hulkster! Brooke's Sexual Re-Assignment Surgery isn't going to pay for itself. Oh noooooo, The Hulkster's brooooke! Hulkamania isn't what it used to be!
Who is really going to see The Game Plan? 9-year-old boys are too young to remember the days of can you smelllllllll and Jabronis and what not, and the people who remember that (me) wouldn't see this movie if I was given free tickets. And free popcorn. And a free back massage. You'd pretty much have to cut me a cheque for $1000 in order for me to willingly sit through The Game Plan. But I will tell you what i will be seeing this weekend. Mr. Woodcock.Pfft, pack up the haterade. Billy Bob Thornton is really really funny (and Bad Santa was sadly underrrated).
I'll give you a review on Tuesday (cause Monday will be a new Interview!!)

9.11.2007

The Hills Season 3 Episode ??? I MISSED IT!!

In the words of my good friend Annie, Sweet Baby Jesus I missed The Hills last night. Rogers cut-off my free channels (MTV, Showcase, TBS...what, TBS is great). So, now I am back to loser channels like Much Music and, pfft, FOX. You could hear the sound of my heart breaking halfway around the world last night when I went to turn on my TV and NOTHING comes on. Blank blank blank. You know what was on last night at 10pm? Pinky and the Brain. So I watched it. Why the Hell not? That show was pure gold. Anyways, I beg of you all - FILL ME IN!! Wha' happon? I need to know. Leave your summaries in the comments section and I will be forever indebted to you.
PS - to make up for today, I have a really cool Goddamned Ginger Wednesday for tomorrow.

9.09.2007

Fat Times at Pigmont High

I know it seems a leetle contrived, but I couldn't think of a better headline for Britney "Where the Cheetos at?" Spears performance at the MTV Music Wards. Oh my god, if you combined Hurricane Katrina and getting diahreah on the bus, you STILL wouldn't have a bigger trainwreck than Britney's "Sexy Mommy" dance. Did you watch it?!? Oh mai-tai god, youTube that shit! Also try to YouTube Sarah Silverman ripping on Britney's kids. Choice! If Sarah Silverman asked me for a kidney, I would totally give her both. You don't need both kidneys, right? They're like your tonsils.
All things Britney aside, everything about this show is a big-ass disaster. Shia LeBouf and the dirt 'stache? Chris Brown and the Hitler 'stache? Alicia "Primo Fastass Supremo" Keys? Justin Timberlake and the Hills diss heard round the world? Kanye vs. Fiddy? Ashanti isn't dead?!? Lil' John chasing after Kanye (possibly begging for spare change or a hot meal). Paris Hilton looking (GASP) pretty?!? Linkin Park (and I LIKED it)? Jay-ee-zuz! I live for this garbage. Rihanna hauled ass, through. Did you see that dress? Ho-lay! Forget talent, homegirl is pretty! I would kill to look that good in a dress (unforch, I look a little closer to Britney - how much were you laughing when her fat gut was jiggling? I almost felt bad)
Discuss discuss discuss!!

UPDATE! Britney "where the cheetos at?" Spears went sans-undapants AGAIN! Cover that shit up, you fool!! Check it out here if you hate your eyes.

9.07.2007

What the assholes are up to this weekend

Aw, we haven't seen this guy for a while, have we? You know why? Assholes are like Bizzarro-bears - they hibernate for the summer. In Wasaga (if you are unfamiliar, its like the WalMart of beaches - tons of Italian losers at the beach drinking shitty beer and making out with their "Lay-deez". Fuck, Wasaga is for Losers)
Anyways, the Assholes are back in full effect this weekend. Why? Because its the Toronto International Film Festival!
aka The TIFF
aka Douchebag Central
I know that people are gonna write my ass a shitstorm of letters, but I hate the TIFF so bad. It is such a waste of garbage. Shitty, pretentious films that you wait in line for 4 hours and pay $30 a ticket to see. Yeah, that's definatley not my cup of tea. You know what's better? The TUFF - Toronto Urban Film Festival. The Festival for the rest of Ulls. But back to my original point. You know what I hate almost as much as The TIFF? The fucking crowds of people "celebu-spotting". Fuck!! I abhor people who walk around Yorkville searching for celebrities, then getting their goddamned Motorola Razr out to take a bunch of pictures of Jessica Alba or Jesse Metcalf or some other marginally famous piece of crap. Shit, I wanted to do some much-needed back-to-school shopping this weekend. How am I gonna do it now, with Yorkville being turned into loser-ville USA?
* Editor's Note - The Mayor is no longer in school, she just calls it back-to-school shopping to make her less depressed about spending money on clothing.
So yeah, I personally can't wait for The TIFF to be over. I am feeling sick to my stomach right now just imagining all the idiots waiting in line with a shit-eating grin on their face hoping to see Cameron Diaz walk into the theatre or something.
Now I know how Utah feels when Sundance is on. I feel for you people. I really do.
What will I be doing instead? I will be seeing The Brothers Solomon. I don't care if this movie is called 120 Minutes of Whitenoise, I will see anything with Will Arnett and Will Forte. Plus, its directed by Bob Odenkirk. Take that, TIFF!
Have a good weekend Urrbods!!

9.03.2007

The Skip-Raid Interviews Chris Nieratko

Today we sit and chat with the biggest asshole in New Jersey, the author of Skinema, and one of the coolest guys I've ever had the pleasure of interviewing, Chris Nieratko. People, if my glowing review of Skinema wasn't enough to get you off your ass and read it, then this interview sure as shit will. Our sincerest thanks for taking the time to answers a few Q's.

Every year, Chris gets his picture taken with Santa in his Hallowe'en costume. Please don't try to be cooler than him, it's not going to happen.

Full name: Chris Nieratko

Occupation: Dancer/slow driver/high fiver/New Jersey’s Most Handsome man

Where you live: I live in Sayreville, NJ; home of Bon Jovi and Skid Row.

Where can we find you?
Chris Nieratko.com or myspace.com/nieratko

First off, am I pronouncing your last name right: near-ATT-ko?
Yes, that is correct. But regardless of how you pronounced it I would have said you were right. I enjoy the butchering of my name much more than I do the correct pronunciation.

Secondly, I take back what I said about you in the Lesley Arfin interview. I now realize that you are a suave gentleman with as much power over the ladies as a young Elvis. I meant no offense by it.
I don’t know what you said but you shouldn’t retract it. How do you know I’m a suave gentleman? I may be a brut. A complete ogre. What’s made you change your tune? Whatever you said to dear Lesley, you should stick to it.

Is your wife pregnant yet? If not, what's the first thing you will do if she pees on the stick and it comes up positive?
Go buy another stick and try and prove the first stick wrong. I’ll keep repeating until one comes up negative. Honestly I have no idea what I will do. I think I’ll crack a beer, relax on the couch with my feet up and say to the air, “Thank God that’s finally over.” Because every time I think she’s pregnant, she is not. Today is her 30th birthday and last week I thought she was knocked up because she was acting all emotional and her boobs felt different but then she got her period, which ruined everything for her birthday party. I made reservations for 15 of us at a Portuguese restaurant in Newark, all immediate family, and I planned on taking the positive pee stick with me in a plastic sandwich bag and making a toast and showing everyone the pee stick. And passing it around. So now what? Am I going to bag up a bloody, used tampon and say, “We’re still trying, folks,”? I’ll be happy when I hit my target so we can go back to unbridled, circus sex without a purpose.

Why does Jenna Jameson look like she's melting? I used to think she was pretty.
Holes in the ozone, I suppose.

Have you ever been so drugged-out on something you actually thought you were dying?
The first time I smoked crack I thought my heart was going to pop right through my chest or explode. It was a less than pleasurable experience. The person I was smoking crack with had just dyed his hair blue but hadn’t washed the dye out and he was sweating like, well, sweating like a crackhead and all the blue dye was running down his face and he looked like a psychotic smurf but at moments the street lights would flash red and it made the blue dye look red and I thought blood was pouring down his face. I was freaking the fuck out. After that kind of experience I don’t know why anyone would ever want to smoke crack again but…well, I’m an idiot.

When you have a baby Chris, what name will you and the wife fight over the most?
There will be no fight. My wife’s name is also Chris and it is already determined that all our kids will be named Chris just like how George Foreman named all his kids George, including his daughter. We are creating an army of Chris Nieratkos bent on world domination.

So you've said before you never use condoms, right? Am I misquoting you? If I'm not, have you ever picked up anything, std-wise?
On occasion I have attempted to use condoms with no luck. I can’t really figure them out. And when I do figure them out my penis gets so mad at the thought of having to wear them that it actually goes limp. I have in the past lied to women and said I was wearing a condom when I was not. It’s awful, I know, but what could I do? My love is not meant to be restrained. As for STDs, no. None. I have somehow, miraculously dodged all bullets. And that right there is the main reason I will never cheat on my wife, aside from never wanting to hurt her. But I know that I played sexual Russian Roulette for 20 years and won but if I try to roll the dice just one more time, I will lose and I will end up with every disease known to man, and some unknown, as a result. Like the song says, “Even the losers get lucky sometimes,” but I’m not about to test my luck.

I think the weirdest porn I've ever seen (not watched, just seen) has been Fat Chicks on the Rag with Vegetables and it was honestly the grossest cover ever. What's the one DVD you've seen where you think "no, never in a million years will I watch this"?
The stuff that I say, “I’ll never watch,” is the stuff that looks like it has a plot or storyline or moments of tenderness. I would be very much excited to get something like Fat Chicks on the Rag with Vegetables. I really have no desire to watch calm, typical sex acts that I can perform with my wife. I want to see the lewd, disgusting acts that would be grounds for divorce in any marriage if suggested like razorblades in the vagina or things involving dogs and donkeys. Watching anything less is like watching re-runs of Golden Girls.

Would You Rather: have sex with a really fat girl who is really good at everything, or a really, really gorgeous girl who is absolutely terrible at everything?
Ideally watching the gorgeous girl have sex with the fat girl would be the biggest turn on but if I had to choose I’d have to go with the hot chick. If it’s all about my pleasure, then it wouldn’t matter how good the fat girl was at anything. I’d simply do my business upon the pretty girl and be out the door in minutes flat.

Where Dear Diary made me almost cry, Skinema made me almost pee. Christ, I would give anything to be as good a writer as CN. Skinema can be found in most bookstores and online at Viceland.com

Your website Dungeon Master emailed me the other day, wasted as fuck, at about 1:30am. I just wanted to let you know how dedicated your staff is at getting back to people's emails. Will he be getting a raise?
He doesn’t get paid. My friendship is more than enough payment for him. His words, not mine. But he’s Canadian. Of course he emailed you at an ungodly hour, he lives in Alaska or some shit. They don’t have shit else to do up there.

Who is the biggest shitstain you have ever met?
I think it’s wrong to categorize people in such a mean way, Skip. I’m just kidding. I’ve come across so many on a regular basis that they all seem to get lumped up into one folder in my brain, one not being and more or less of an asshole than the next.

I know the Jackass Eggnog Competition is years old, but seriously - what was so hard about putting back shots of eggnog? Also, can you remember where you guys (Preston et al) did it? It looks like you rented out a room at a Senior's Centre.
Nothing was hard about puking up eggs or eggnog that’s why it’s so tragically sad that it’s my “claim to fame.” Any dipshit could and probably has done it after seeing me do it. I couldn’t tell you where we filmed that bit; I was what some would call inebriated. For story’s sake let’s say we filmed it on the floor of The Staples Center and my motivation for vomiting was Kobe Bryant.

What's the most surprising thing you have ever learned about Canadians?
Not all of them are gay. Just kidding. They are. No. I don’t know. I’m actually pretty excited to be allowed back in Canada as of this year. I was banned there for 5 years. The last time I went up there they made me pay $200 for a work permit otherwise they were going to send me back across the border to America. Seems they aren’t big on tourists with felonies on their police record.

I sort of have a tendancy to stereotype stuff pretty bad. Can you please tell me how true the following New Jersey stereotypes are:
- New Jersey is nothing but greaseball Goombas

Not true. I’m neither a greaseball or a Goomba. But we do have our share. It’s more of an industrial, blue collar state than anything else.
- New Jersey is the armpit of America
Also not true, we have the highest property tax in the country because everyone keeps moving to Jersey. Rappers get rich and move to Jersey. People who are scared of another terrorist attack move to New Jersey. We have mountains, farms, seashores. It really is a beautiful state. It gets a bum rap because of what is seen along the Northern stretch of the New Jersey Turnpike; refineries, Port Elizabeth and swamps.
- If you say anything bad about Bon Jovi, someone will have you killed.
Also, not true. No one cares about Bon Jovi. Bruce on the other hand…
- Atlantic City is the saddest place on Earth
That might be true. There’s a mutant school in AC for para and quadriplegic people and the ones with the baby T-Rex arms and in the summer they set those poor people out on the boardwalk, cooking in the sun, with a change cup in front of them to beg for change. It’s really sad and will ruin your day at the beach.

I love that picture in Skinema of the girl who got your name tattooed on her..uh..trunk, I guess? (upper stomach, lower boobs). There is so much crazy at work there, like the shitty hair, broken-ass purple nails, etc. How much was your brain going "what the faaaaack?" when she showed you that?
That was a very dark period in my life and when she showed it to me, two weeks after meeting me, I thought it was sweet and romantic and it made me want to use her butt as a mouth. Not until her third suicide attempt in my apartment did I start to think, “Maybe this girl is slightly unstable.”

Can you please thank your wife for me for not wearing one of those shitty strapless, bright white-satin, Jessica Simpson puffy-ass gowns for your wedding? She'll know what I'm talking about.
Is that a question? Uh…yes. I will.

What is your favourite show on Comedy Central and/or Cartoon Network?
The one I’m filming. It’s going to be like a Sims game but Virtual New Jersey, where you can go to bars and, like, drink and do drugs and stuff. I’m just kidding. That’s a stupid idea. I don’t really watch much TV except for when the Nets play basketball. Once they move the team to Brooklyn I’m considering getting rid of my television.

Your ideal sandwich:
Foot-long Cheeseburger subs from the now-defunct Tastee’s Sub Shop in Sayreville, NJ. We lost a good one when that placed closed down. Rest in peace all you yummy sandwiches. You will not be forgotten.