America's Next Top Model Cycle 9, Episode...uh...figure skating

THE MAYOR: First off, can you believe that this is my 252'nd post? I can't either. I honestly thought I would get bored after 2 weeks and just start posting about my bowel movements or which cashier is the biggest bitch at my grocery store (it's the fat Indian lady...Meeshra. Or Shurbinder. Whatever, she is a huge bitch). Alright, time to put away the Gloat Goat and talk about ANTM.
INTERN TYLERFACE: SHAZAMMMM Its week....5 or 6. Guys, seriously - tell me what week it is. I'm dying here. So, it opens up with all the typical jabber that wannabe models say when in a truck. Nothing really all that interesting, whining about Kimberly waaaaah. Bitch was terrible! Hoochy Mama couldn't even make it on Maxim.
TM: Good call. This week's reward for a job wll done was the chance to star in an Akademiks ad with Season 6 Winner Danielle. What were the odds that the winner was gonna be white? 300 to 1? Yeah, that sounds about right. So Lisa won and took Ebony and Janet. Why Janet? I guess they needed a token white girl. Too bad she whited that ad up more than a pile of...um...white people stuff. Moving on...
ITF: Sweet Mayor, please fill in some shizz. This episode was so boring I started studying for a test.
TM: For some weird reason, they decided to make a Being Bai Ling photoshoot. Boooooring.TM: This week we said smell ya later to Janet, aka Liza Minelli, aka House Mom. And by sadly I mean Praise Sweet Baby Jesus! I hated that stupid boring moose. She was such a spaz on that trampoline. I loved when Bobby Ninja was like "Janet seems to have a problem with the trampoline...". Um, no. Janet has a problem modeling. Janet has a being boring. The tramplone is the least of her problems. Oh well, check ya laaater!
ITF: Janet aka Undefined Reba. My sister made up that name, and she couldn't be more right. Janet was a cross between Reba McEntire and Liza. She was a nice southern gal, but ho couldn't take a picture to save her cousin.
Editor's note: cousin/boyfriend. Zing!
R.I.P. girl! Hope you like working at Price Chopper!Lisa
ITF: In the end, who loses I MEAN 'wins' this competition on how to display canned emotions? None other than: LISA! Congrats. You're terrible! Her prize was having a photoshoot with like, 80's clothes and make up. It went into SEVENTEEN magazine. So, what? You don't even have to win the show to get into the magazine? That's what I'm talkin' about!
TM: I know! I hate her too! I really hope she gets eliminated; any enemy of Binaca is an enemy of mine. Lisa was working all kinds of Jackson Family circa 1980 last night. The Michael Jackson-Thriller jacket, the Jheri Curl, the cheesy emoting. The best was when she looked at that skating rink and was like "it's like they are trying to kill us!!"
Lisa, I am not that lucky.
ITF: She did do the classic 'roaring' face - but it worked. Ho looked fierce. This shit is brill, but yet she cries during her critique. Be yourself, babe! You're one of the best! If you slump I will kill you.Ambreal
ITF: Back at the house, you hear some singing. You hear Ambreal. "I try to make everyone smile." I don't know about the others, but I wouldn't smile if my ears were bleeding. I would cry - or punch you - but I couldn't. She's just so huggable!
Why did I like this picture?! It's bad - but something pulls me in! Maybe it's because I pretty much live for doing the robot. Yeah, that's it.
TM: Anyone who knows me knows that I have an intense fear of people singing sans accompanyment. When Ambreal started singing on the deck for Chantal and Saleisha, I just about shit my pants. I was fidgeting like Heather. Speaking of which...Heather
ITF: Why did they have to pick a profile picture of her - and puhleeze. They were tonnes of better pictures than THAT. Girl - you're losing me. Step it up!
TM: I just can't make fun of Heather. I just can't do it. It's too cruel.Binaca
TM: Homegirl was robbed this week. Know what would level things? A stabbing. Shank shank!
ITF: Now, I know I said last week that even though I loved her, I hated her. That's still true, but this picture was pretty friggen hot. Like, golly. I've been hankerin' to see a photo like this! Bianca, you and your no hair - you happen to surprise me like a case of herpes one week later.Chantal
TM: I know, I know. Last week I was hating. This week I am singing a different tune. Not only was she so good on the trampoline, her shot is really good. I give her 2 more weeks. My favourite was when Twiggy was like "this doesn't even look like a men's magazine!" Twiggy, have you thrown open an FHM lately? This shot is the fine line between men's magazine and that 80's fitness show that came on at 7am.
ITF: Maxim, anyone? Every photo shoot it looks like she's trying to make Jay Manuel feel attracted to her. Um, honey - that ain't gon' happen. Ever.Ebony
TM: Afraid to smile? Afraid to smile?!? YOU ARE A FUCKING MODEL!!
ITF: This is where I wanna see you, girl! You have no class, no confidence - but you rock it harder than Fergie rocked Poisideon. (How shetty was that movie - but Fergie died. A+ )Jenah
TM: Who?
ITF: You're slumpin', chile! It concerns me that I can't tell you apart from Chantal. (AND WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE TIA FROM CNTM?)
TM: oh yeah! She totally does! (minus the Kimmy Gibbler)Saleisha
ITF: She's wearing like, a one piece bathing suit and looks like she's in the HIP HOP ABS tape. Like, butch. Gargoyles aren't butch - well, they aren't human either - but if they were they wouldn't be butch.
TM: She's cute. She's sweet. She's a backstabbing rat-bitch! Did you see how fast she ratted the other girls out to Lisa? You've been warned, Tootie. Do it again, and I'll have Bobby Ninja come down there and teach you what's what.Sarah
TM: Oh my god, can we not give this girl more airtime?!? I loved that she refered to Lisa as "Debbie Downer". The only thing that would have made it better is if she made a joke about feline HIV or went m'yow m'yowwwwwwww.
ITF: Girl, you were saved by the graciousness of Tyra's hunger. She was probably like "Oooh, chilwe. I would DIE for a Swanson righ' 'bouh now." and Sarah was her best bet at getting what she desired. She's a smart lady.

TM: So what does next week have for our rag-tag gang of future Hollister shift-managers? Not much apparently. That Next Week, on ANTM gaves us nothing! Oooh, one of the models frustrates Jay Manuel. What else is new? That guy gets frustrated with all of them - it's like training cats to use a human toilet. I mean, it's possible, but it takes some serious dedication and dissaprin.
ITF: Also, they have a shoot with different atmospheres, (snow, rain, Battle Royale) and since their ratings are declining, they add a man into it! Wow! It could be like an orgy or something! I can't wait. I've set my cable timer set to remind me to watch it, not that I'll ever forget to watch.
TM: And now is a great time to wish our very adorable Intern Tylerface a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Tylerface, enjoy getting your license; you are one step closer to adulthood than I (I only have my G1 - for the Americans, that's like your Learner's Permit aka I suck at life).
See y'all next week!


Anonymous said...

Sarah is funny, but has an awful body.

Jenn L said...

she also lacks a chin

Deadeye-Davi / Uncle Jesse said...

Happy Birthday Tylerface! How old you be now, baby?

alex davey illustrations said...

SERIOUSLY make these posts shorter.
I don't read all of it because it is half "witty drabble commentary".

tylerface said...

SERIOUSLY copy and paste it to Word, edit out all of our drabble and keep the facts.

PS: they are long, and I don't read the junk before the pictures, either. I like the pictures. That's pretty much the only reason I watch this show anyway. That and it's fun to watch bitches be bitches and not be involved directly - but I do yell at the tv. I GOT IT FROM MA FATHA. (lol @ will.i.am)

Anonymous said...

alex davey illustrations makes a good point. Try to shorten the posts. It's like watching a 3 hour movie that could have been cut to 90 minutes.


The Mayor said...

Seriously, I am making next week shorter. Also, the following people are On Notice:
People who say SRSLY. You know who you are (Alex and Tylerface) along with people who use ORLY?