The Mayor's Christmas Memories

Friends, how are we today? Good. Very good. I am having a lovely day at work (let's not get into that, shall we?) and hopefully I will get to leave early for good behaviour. But you know I am gonna pull rank and haul-ass outta here at 2pm. I hope (fingers crossed!)
Anyways, enough about my bitching. The real hero today is Jesus. Sike! It's all the tards like me who have to work on Christmas Eve Day! I salute you, O' losers of the world. Jesus gets to sit in his hot tub filled with Champagne and presents today. So I wasn't sure how I would handle today, since I will be going on a mini-vacation (so don't visit the Skip-Raid tomorrow, the 26, 27, or 28) and I wanted to leave you with something good. So, here it is: my favourite Christmas memories. PS - many of my favourite Chistmas memories are movies, so yeah. Just deal with the fact that my life is Television and Hollywood, okay?

1. A Christmas Story
I would like to stress right now that I did not jump on the Christmas Story bandwagon 3 years ago like many people. I was watching this movie every Christmas since I was 3. Do you understand how many times I would talk about A Christmas Story and people would go "the one with Tiny Tim? That's called A Christmas Carol". Anyways, I am off topic. Contrary to my friend Tina, A Christmas Story fucking rocks. You hear me? I can probably recite the whole movie backwards and front and will never get sick of Ralphie going "a crummy commercial? Son of a bitch..." or " I left Flick to certain annihilation. But BB gun mania knows no loyalty". Shit, I want to watch it right now.
ps - I chose the clip above because my parents have yet to get used to my near-constant swearing, so every time I or my sister says 'fuck', our parents look at us exactly like Ralphie's dad.

2. Getting a My Pet Monster Christmas morning
One Christmas, I think I was about 4 or 5, I asked for a giant My Pet Monster doll. You know, the one with the orange handcuffs that broke apart? Anyways, that's all I wanted. Sure enough, Christmas morning comes and I get a My Pet Monster, and I am scared shitless of it. The thing is the same size as me and it looks like it will eat my face. My parents have a picture of me backing up on the stairs away from it. If I can find it, I will post it.

3. Christmas Vacation
"Hallelujah, holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?"

4. Gingerbread
I love molasses and I love ginger. I love gingerbread, ginger boys and girls, gingersnaps, Pfeifernussen. Everything.

5. Sleepovers with my sister
My sister will kill me for saying this, but every Christmas we sleep in the same bed. We, in essence, have a sleep over. To make this even gayer, I usually wear my Christmas nightgown; a floor-length pink cotton gown trimmed in red stiching and red buttons. The worst part? I got it at a Goodwill for $1

6. The Santa Claus
Make fun all you want, you bastards, but this movie is funny.

7. Crank that Santa Claus
Soulja Boy is to 2007 what Lou Bega was to 1999.

8. Putting ribbons on my dog
Every Christmas morning, we take ribbons from the presents and wrap them around the dog's neck. Then we stare into her extremely sad eyes and deny her the ability to take them off. One day, the dog will kill us. Untill then...

That's it for now, tids! Till next time, have a holly jolly Christmas and enjoy yourselves! Peace out, and I love you all! What? Sorry.


"Mumma D" said...

My favourite Christmas memory of "the Mayor" happened in 1990?(Grade 2) when she received a long distance call from Santa Claus at the North Pole inquiring to her recent behaviour at school.

Nothing serious...just making sure she (and her partner M.F.)were done teasing the teacher!

The look on "the Mayor's" face that day......priceless!!!!

Jenn L said...

god those pet monsters were so cool!