1.31.2008

I have become Cathy Guisewite.

Yeah, it finally happened. After one week with the cat, I have become a cat person. Last night I sat watching Law & Order: Criminal Intent and knitting a mouse for him to play with. Law & Order: CI is okay, but its no SVU. It has Mr. Big and Alicia Witt, which is okay. But I like Regular Law & Order better, because it has Jeremy Sisto aka Elton from Clueless who is HOT. So yeah, back to my story. I find myself talking to the cat a lot and I even made a Catbook for him on Facebook. Do you understand how I used to roll my eyes at that shit? Anyways, I should explain why I have him. His mom is on a break from school and had to move back in with her parents. They are mad-allergic to cats, so they told her the cat had to hit the road. The problem is, she moves back into her apartment again in May, so she couldn’t permanently get rid of him. I found out about this through work, so I said I would take him. I am allergic to 99 things, but a cat ain’t one. Which is weird, because my allergies are pretty damn severe. I use that Nasonex shit almost every day to help me fight off mold spores and dog hair, and yet I can snuggle the cat’s face and nothing happens. Last night, it was so cute, he fell asleep on his back with his head in my hand. Awwww, like you give a crap, I know, but it is cute to me. He is also mega-fighty too – he can bite and scratch with the best of them.
I had always had dogs before, so there were some things I learned about cats. Here they are:

- cat poo smells like people poo

- cats like water. This cat will sit in the shower with me

- cats really will play with a ball of yarn

- cats don’t mooch food from you when you are eating dinner

- cats are super-snuggly when they want to be fed

- cats have 2 sets to eyelids

- cats don’t like it when you try to put them in your purse and play ‘Paris Hilton’

- cats don’t like when you rub their tummy

- cats like waking me up at 2am because they are dicks

- cats don’t always land on their feet

If you have any cat information for me, or perhaps anything that will help me not turn into a crazy cat lady who wears the same pair of urine-soaked sweatpants every day, then please, by all means, fill me in.

1.29.2008

Ginger Tuesday tomorrow, Degrassi right now.

I know, I’m sorry. Last week in the comments, someone wrote “where did Ginger Tuesday/Wednesday go?”
Don’t worry, dear child. We have one for tomorrow, and it is AMAZING! Full colour pictures and everyting, so you best be here.
Now, I am half asleep right now because the cat kept me up all night. He must have done some kitty coke and was lifting some kitty weights and listening to the all-cat version of Rush, because he was running around the house all night. Jesus Christ, do cats do this? I thought they just slept and ate lasagna. Not ONCE has he asked for lasagna. I have been mislead. Anyways, the reason Ginger Tuesdays got bumped again is because Degrassi was something rank last night. I hope you watched, cause it was such a steaming pile. The episode itself was okay, but it was one character in particallurs. Trashley.
Oh my god, what a twat. She’s back with a less-crappy haircut, but I see right through her. Ugh, and when I say I hate Ashley Kerwin, I also mean that I hate Melissa McIntyre. She is such a shit actress it gives me a headache. So she is back with Jimmy (poor guy) and she is pissed because everybody knows her as Craig’s Ex. Duh! He is famous now and you are nothing, you fugly midget-face! So she writes this song that gets booed at the Talent Show (justified) and then Jimmy comes out and starts rapping on it and everybody loves it. Of course they do, whos gonna boo a guy in a wheelchair? Jokes – he is actually good. So anyways, this record exec guy loves them and by them I mean Jimmy. Ashley gets pissed and Jimmy keeps saying “not me without her” and other such bullshit. Then Ashley is editing their demo tape and she erases Jimmy’s vocals and labels it Ashley’s Demo. Fuck! That is Grade-A Cunt material right there. Cold! The boy is in a wheelchair, your selfish tard.
The best line came from Ellie though when Ashley went “things come so easy for Jimmy” and Ellie goes “yeah…like walking?” Ooh, good one! I normally hate Ellie (cause she stole my man Craig last season) but she is growing on me. Anyways, I can’t believe she is back with Jimmy. He could do so much better than that grown-ass midget. You mean to tell me he can’t get some honey from the cheerleading squad? Oh yeah, those bitches be superficial; they want a man who can roll up in a hoopty, not a wheelchair. Degrassi is due for another school shooting. Ashley, nothing says hero like jumping in front of stray bullets. Keep that in mind.
So next week, Spinner is gonna get some disease or something? What? Is it Diabeetus? I bet its Type 2. The silent fatty killer!! We shall see.
Peace!

1.28.2008

Last Night’s Simpsons…lame, or really fucking lame?

Come on…Sadgasm? What the hell?!? Simsons, you can’t do a 90s flashback episode because we have seen 10 years worth of episodes already. Every damn day on FOX for that matter. Like that whole Homer inventing grunge thing? What the hell?!? Have we already forgotten the Hullabalooza episode?!? That one was rife with 90s terminology and jokes! I wanted to punchasize my TV last night so much. There was nothing that made me like it. How can you explain a 1970s prom and then going to college in the 90s? Where did the 80s go?
Simpsons writers, you are getting lazy.
I hate to say it, but it’s time to give The Simpsons the Old Yeller Treatment. The 3rd eye. The big sleep. Dirtnap. Pass the torch to funnier shows, like…uh…well, not Family Guy. Shit, King of the Hill, I suppose, is the only funny FOX show left. Yikes, wha happun?
Anyways, are any of you as pissed as I am at last night’s Tardfest? Ugh, it was just lazy. Plus, some decades are fun to parody. The 80s, for example, or the 1920s. But the 90s was so boring and lame. Fuck, I lived through it, I should know. What did the 90s give us? Nirvana, Friends and Starbucks? The only good thing about that episode can be broken down into 4 words: My Idol, Weird Al. I met Weird Al once and it was possibly the best day of my life, which goes to show you how sad my pathetic little life actually is. But anyways, I got a picture of him and me and he is super sweet and an actually funny guy. I also always secretly hoped he would get married to Judy Tenuta (another one of my idols) and they would have an amazing child. Not so much – he married some other broad and had a baby names Nina (a name I love). But Weird Al will make any episode better. You know what is marginally better than Weird Al? Bob Odenkirk parodying Weird Al on Mr. Show with Daffy "Mal" Yinkleyankle.

Moving on. I guess I had a weird weekend because I just got a cat. He’s a temp (I only have him for 3 months) but it’s weird nonetheless than this little creature could bond to me already. He’s 10 months old and is such a sweetie pie, but I still find it strange to wake up to meowing. Also, I am one set of sweatpants away from becoming one of those. A cat person. Ew. Just saying made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
Anyways, if he does anything cute, I’ll let you know, but for now he is just good at chasing string and shitting. Animals are pros at that.

1.25.2008

OMG Weird!

So as usual, I am up on Dlisted and I come across this lovely picture of Tina Fey. No, your eyes aren’t playing tricks on you. This is Tina Fey as Tinkerbell. Ew, I know! When did Tinkerbell turn into such a lesbodiar? I wish I could say this was some weird promo for 30 Rock, but it’s for the Disney 1000 shitty dreams campaign shot by Annie “Overrated” Lebovitz. You know I love this skank, but I think Disney made a mistake. Why couldn’t they sex her up a bit? Why does everyone always want to fug the hell out of her? She looks like a disgruntled highschool gym teacher. Also, her body isn’t even Photoshop. That is straight-up cut-and-paste. It looks like they took Tina Fey’s body and put it on Amanda Lepore. OOH! They should have gotten that hot bitch to be Tinkerbell! How AMAZING would that have been? Someone screwed up. Tina Fey would have made a better Belle. Or Cogsworth. You know who should been Peter Pan? Zac Efron. It would be like when Peter Pan is played by a woman on stage. I hate that! Why do they always get a 40-year-old woman to play a 13 year old elf boy? It baffles me.

Seriously, did anyone see Epic Movie?

I will be the first to say that I love, LOVE, Scary Movie. There, deal with it. I also love Scary Movie 2. Watch the “talk dirty to me” part and tell me you don’t laugh. And then things sort of fell apart in the movie parody genre after Scary Movie 3, Scary Movie 4, Date Movie, Epic Movie, etc etc. I used to blame Hollywood (damn you, Hollywood for making such garbage!) but after a little research, I can finally blame a person and not just the industry. His name is Jason Friedberg and he is the writer (and I use that term very loosely) of the aforementioned movies. If there is anything good that can come out of the WGA strike, it’s that this assclown isn’t allowed to write any shitty parody movies for a while. I bet his name has been thrown around during bargaining once or twice:
“Okay, you can get compensation for internet use and a 14% pay raise BUT you have to kill Jason Friedberg. Don’t even make it look like an accident, just get it done.”
You think I’m being too harsh? Let’s take a look at some of the taglines he has written:

Scary Movie: A Killer Comedy
- meh, not bad, but not great. This doesn’t bother me that much.

Date Movie: Everyone wants a happy ending
- my happy ending would involve a lead pipe and Jason Friedberg’s face.

Epic Movie: We Know It's Big. We Measured
- Big on shittyness, that is. Wait, how can you measure shittyness?

Meet the Spartans: The Bigger the Hit, The Harder They Fall
- what? That’s not even creative! I’m pretty sure he just stole that from an already existing movie poster.

Anyways, long story short, I took a look at his IMDB page, and thank Sweet Baby Jesus, he doesn’t have anything on the go right now. Well, besides sucking pretty hard, but he can do that anytime. So yeah, if any of yous skids actually go to see this trash this weekend, I will murder you. Literally, I will find a way to get to your house (as long as it is on a bus line) and I will lead pipe your face. I think I will try to get an interview with him. That could be fun, eh? Cross your fingers and have a great weekend, friends!!

1.23.2008

I'm holding another contest!

Well, sort of. I had a great time holding the Trauma-Rama contest of yore. What the hell does that even mean? Anyways, I think it is time again for an awesome contest. This time, we are all winners! Now, before you go thinking this contest is on par with a certain Olympic games (some Special Olympic games, if you will) allow me to explain. The drawing above has to do with what this is about. I will pick a quote or theme, and you will illustrate it. Now, don't go thinking this is just for people who are great illustrators. As an artist myself, I LOVE seeing people who can't draw try to draw something. It is just so honest and usually very funny. Now, no one will win per se, but I will post my favourites. And by favourites, I will try to post all of them. Why not, they will probably rock and everyone should see how talented you are. You can use the following things: paper, scissors, paint, paper, glue, fabric, metal, macaroni, pipe-cleaners, pom-poms, stamps, feces, hair, DNA (your choice!), cookies and candies, and tinfoil. Basically, whatever your imagination tells you to do. Also, just for posterity's sake, let's keep it somewhere in the neighborhood of 5x7 or smaller, shall we? Remember people, this is a greta time to show off your skills (or show off your tremendous lack of motor skills). Okay, so here is what I would like you to draw:
Things which are not people but which have the qualities of people. IE: Anthropomorphasization. I am almost positive I didn't spell that shit right, but you know what I mean. Toasters with eyes and Blenders getting their periods and stuff.
OR
The Douchebaggery that is American Apparel.
Anyways, I know you can do this. But now how do you get it to me? Well, that's easy! Mail all your shit to:

The Mayor
10-117 Old Forest Hill Rd.
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
M5P 2R8

Alright, so are we ready? Do this asap as I can't wait to see what you all submit! Bonne Chance!

1.22.2008

Last night on Degrassi...

Hey guys, I'm back! That's right - I totally wasn't killed in Amurrica. I had a great time - I bought a tonne of awesome American snack foods from Target. I also bought some Alli, so I should have some awesome stories for you soon! I haven't started taking it yet, but I need to finish my weeks worth of Poptarts. Wouldn't want to waste those pubjubs. So yeah, anyways, last night on Degrassi...
Darcey totally took the Midnight train to R-Town, but none of my predictions happened! She didn't get pregnant, but she did get Chymidhea (typo, but I am too lazy to fix it). So all seemed well, until Manny aka Degrassi's HCIC (head cholo in charge) finds her in the shower with slit wrists! I know! What the hell? It's not like she got the Super Aids! I'm pretty sure that shit can be cured with the 'Tussin. It ended really weird though - her douchebag BF gave her a abstinence ring and all was well. The fuck? Um, how about instead of an abstinence ring someone give her a 'watch your fucking drink you dumbass' ring. Do they have those at the liquor store? Jesus, honestly. Who goes to the bathroom and leaves their drink outside. Forget roofies, I bring my shit into the bathroom with me because I don't want any cheapos drinking it. That's my Diet Coke, no touch!
In other news, Marco was gonna break up with his BF. Pfft, who cares. I hate when they throw a disposable back story in there. So what will happ'un next week? Who knows. Darcey will be on the hunt for her rapist and Marco will be on the hunt for some ass. Sorry this isn't longer, but I am not feeling very well today. I will be spending it wallowing in bed, slitting my wrist. Kidding! I will be eating Trix and PopTarts and washing it down with Sierra Mist soda pop.
Also, Amy Winehouse was caught smoking crack? Damn you, Comfort Suites for not having Wireless Internet!

1.17.2008

Good Thursday Morning!

That sounded so ‘Good Morrow, Sir’. I am just a big pile of Olde English Riddles this morning. So, I have some good news for my American readers (aka All My Readers – for whatever reason, you get my humour more than my bretheren in Canada. Meh, their loss). I will be spending the weekend in Windsor on a work-related trip. Oh yeah, vacay in Windsor, Canada’s Detroit. Speaking of Detroit, it is just over the bridge, so I think me and my traveling partner will be going to an American restaurant this weekend. I am thinking Chilis. Or Flingers. Is Flingers real? I know Chotchkies is made up, but there are so many goddamned restaurants there, its impossible to keep them all straight. I would love to go to the mall, but I don’t know if we will have time. I really just want to get a box of Trix. We don’t have them up here in Canada and I miss them so goddamned much. I would also like some Coooookie Crisp and maybe some Kix. I figure I should throw some healthy cereal in there too. I also like Pop Tarts, and while we do have them here, we have limited access to flavours. Strawberry, Blueberry, Smores. That’s about it. And don’t even get me started on our lack of Keebler sandwich cookies. The only trade-off is that we have Vachon and you don’t. Trust, Vachon kicks Little Debbie’s ass. Vachon is a French Canadian baker who makes Jos. Louis (pronounced Joe Lewis) and Ah Caramel. If you want some, I will send you some. Serious – just write me with your address and I will mail you one to try. Wow, do I ever sound like a weird ass timeshare salesman?
Anyways, let me get to the point – I will be in Detroit tomorrow (Motor City!) and will be back on Monday. This cat symbolizes what I will be doing when I get back to Canada. I will be relaxing knowing that I wasn’t robbed by any no-good-nicks on 8 Mile. Also, the cat belongs to a guy I work with. They like to dress him up and pose him around. That’s what I do with my dog! Pets are awesome.

1.14.2008

Holy shneikies, Darcy is gonna get raped?

Oh snap, oh snap! (like Heidi, season 2). Did you watch the 2-parter Degrassi season premiere last night? I am so pumped up because as you very well know, I have been searching for a show to replace the Monday night void left in my heart by The Hills. I tried to replace it with American Gladiators, but sadly the sheen has worn off; don't get me wrong, I totally watched it last night. It's just its the same shit every week. So I was pleased as an Irishman in a 1901 New York Harbor when I saw that Degrassi was coming back full-force with a hard-hitting storyline. I was really depressed last year when JT "Roll of Dimes" Yorke got stabbed; that was cold, Linda Schuyler! You bitch! He was the cutest. And I was also sad when Craig left, and especially sad when I had to kick him out of the bar I was working at because the liquor inspector was renewing our license that night and he wasn't 19. Damn you, Jake Epstein and your gorgeous bone structure and crippling acne. I too know the ills of acne. Damn you, skin!!
Moving on.
Last nights was a bit of a nail biter. Well, not really, but as close to one as you get on Degrassi. Remember Religious McGee Darcey Edwards from last season? Nope? The one with shitty Hair Do! by Ken Paves extentions and skin like a well-used Louis Vuitton? Yeah, you remember. Anyways, she is dating the principal's son (the badass who likes to film/tape/watch girls doing seductive shit aka he is a CM - Chronic Masturbator). So she goes to this snowboard party, which happens after a very Monkees-esque montage of her falling down the slopes. It honestly looked like it was edited by Benny Hill. So yeah, she then leaves her drink unnattended (retard) and someone roofes-it. Are people still roofing drinks? Really? We haven't evolved much over the past 20 years have we. So then she goes night-night on the couch and some guy takes her into the bedroom. But we can't leave it there - she has promised to be a virgin till marriage and uh-oh, she is gonna get raped! But not just any raped...she is lying tummy-down on the bed. That's right, butt rape! The owiest of the rapes. Will she lose her V to a dick-in-a-box (by box I mean butt)? I sure hope so! We need some dramz on Degrassi. Ever since Manny "Mucho Sucio Chola" Sanchez dyed her hair an abysmal shade of blonde, we need to kick it up a notch. Speaking of kicking up a notch, can we lose Liberty? She is so annoying and has terrible lips. Lips like two obese slugs fighting over a Christmas ham.
DPOTW (Degrassi Prediction of the Week):
Okay, so we all know that Darcy is in for it, but just how in for it is she?
a) peen in the vageen
b) dick-in-a-butt
c) option a, but with a pregnancy scare
d) turns into a slut a la Manny
e) Jaws returns to his home planet

1.09.2008

I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

Am I on drug-a-lugs here, or is Amanda Lepore extremely pretty? She has gone from dude to gay to pre-op to post-op to hideous freak to somewhat like a woman to 'wow. holy shit, Amanda Lepore is gorgeous'. Now, this isn't the first time I have written about Lepore. I seriously wish I could be friends with her. I bet she is super interesting. Fuck! Just as I wrote that, I started choking on pineapple juice. That's God's way of saying "get a fucking life". You got it, old man! Anyways, she is photoshopped within an inch of her life here, and I don't care. If I could, I would have every photo of me re-touched so that my skin looks like wax fruit and my eyes look like marbles.

Happy Wednesday!

Hey friends! So, not much of a post today - the shit has hit the fan in my life, so to speak. I have a crapload of work at work, plus I am going away for the weekend up north, which means I am taking diction lessons to improve my 'Hick'. Additionally, I have been picked up to write for a magazine. Oh yeah, a real magazine. One you can hold in your hand or take into the washroom when you poo and then I will judge you. Anyways, I have 2 articles coming due and I need to get that shit ready. So, tomorrow I promise your asses a good-ass post. But for today, you will just have to enjoy this picture of a 5-mice suicide. Come on, it's been years - haven't they learned what a mousetrap is yet? We made a fucking boardgame about it, for Chrissakes.

1.06.2008

Oh shit, did you watch American Gladiators last night?!?

This was definately the best image I could find for American Gladiators. First off, there was a deaf Gladiator? Second, there is a magazine called Deaf Life? What's the point, is the thing printed in braille? Okay, so last night was AMAZING! Holy shit, when I heard that NBC was bringing back American Gladiators, I shit my pants. I am serious, I had to throw the pants out. I murdered them. So last night I got nice and cozy on the couch with a plate of grapes (for show) and a bag of chips (for eating) and prepared for some classic 90's campy fluff. Shit, NBC really re-tooled it. I was expecting an hour of vaguely homoerotic party-games and instead I got 2 whole hours of uninterruped tough-guy posturing. The sets are pretty much the same: there is the Gauntlet and Pyramid and the one with the rings over the pool. Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali are hosts, which kinda cheapens it with a Surreal Life vibe. And of course the contestants are a motley crew of Ex-Marines and Firefighters. But the real difference is the Gladiators. Let me break it down for you...
90's Lady Gladiator
2008 Lady Gladiator
90's Dude Gladiator
2008 Dude GladiatorDuh, of course the guys are just as hot. Okay, so albeit that it is pretty gay (spandex, silver, kneepads, an extensive staff of hairstylists) but you have to be fit as hell to be on that show. I can't even imagine how far I would get. I could probably climb up the cargo net, but I would have to stop for several breaks and a nap.
So yeah, it's on again tonight, NBC 8pm. I URGE you to watch it - I promise, you will love it. Trust, you don't need to like sports or working out or any of that shit to totally get into this garbage. Fuck, I can't believe that I have added American Gladiators and The Biggest Loser to my weekly TV repetoire. WILL THE WGA STRIKE END ALREADY?!?

1.04.2008

Is it too late to nominate someone for the Kennedy Centre Honours?!


Okay, so I have no idea what the Kennedy Centre Honours are, but I do know they happen in Washington and are somewhat prestigious. Do we know if the Nobel Prize has some sort of category for the Arts? I sure hope so, because I have discovered a gem. Last night at the gym, my headphones were plugged into a music channel on TV and I was treated to Ashlee Simpson's newest music video Outta My Head (Ay Ya Ya). And let me tell you; my life has been changed. This is the most original, grounbreaking video I have seen. Not since Thriller has the audience been held captive in awe at such greatness. From the Gwen Stefani-esque surrealism, What You Waiting For-like costumes and set design, and Gwen Stefani-esque vocal range and tone all the way to the No Doubt-like straight jacket scenes, I was baffled. How has an artist, nay...and artiste, like Ashlee Simpson and her completely originial talents gone under tha radar for so long? Well, she can now add another classic to the Simpson catalogue of totally original songs, along with Boyfriend (stellar), La La (pure poetry), L-O-V-E (words cannot describe it), and Pieces of Me (power ballad).
It's no doubt that Ashlee has a classic song on her hands here, but the video? Can we not nominate music videos for the Short Film category at the Academy Awards? Because this would sweep the ceremony for sure. Never has imagery on film been so original and never-before-seen. I can just imagine the look on Jack Nicholson's face as he opens the envelope to see Outta My Head win it's 17th Oscar.
Now, while this video is as close to perfect as you can get (I'd say its 99.99% of the way there) you can always add a few more elements to make it really reach up to Heaven and touch God. Here are a few things I would add to make this video extend to extreme greatness (or X-tremess G). The following ideas are completely original and are property of my amazing brain:

- Have Ashlee dance in the street with an animated street-wise cat named MC Skat Kat

- Ashlee could go back and forth between our world and the illustrated world of a comic book (maybe because she could fall in love with a boy from there). This will work particularily well if she does this in an 80's diner.

- Ashlee playing guitar in a grungy band in a low-ceilinged basement while dozens of disillusioned youth dance mopely around her (I call it 'moshing'). Maybe another established artist could cameo on the drums. Maybe someone from Foo Fighters or Queens of the Stone Age or something.

- Ashlee could be dancing beside a waterfall, and then at some point will actually turn into a water version of herself and dance on water.

- Ashlee's hands could turn into claymation sledgehammers and hit her in the face.

- Ashlee could dress up like a living doll (like Barbie) and live in a world of all of Barbie's things. Pete Wentz could be her doll boyfriend (Ken?)

- A segment could have everything, including Ashlee, made out of lego (Gondry might be a good director for this).

- Ashlee could be a singer in a club and Melissa Joan Hart would be a waitress, and there would be a choreographed dance number.

- Ashlee could sing on the roof of a building (this one might be hard to pull off - in order for the sound to travel, you have to actually play live. Also Outside = Snipers).