Holy shneikies, Darcy is gonna get raped?

Oh snap, oh snap! (like Heidi, season 2). Did you watch the 2-parter Degrassi season premiere last night? I am so pumped up because as you very well know, I have been searching for a show to replace the Monday night void left in my heart by The Hills. I tried to replace it with American Gladiators, but sadly the sheen has worn off; don't get me wrong, I totally watched it last night. It's just its the same shit every week. So I was pleased as an Irishman in a 1901 New York Harbor when I saw that Degrassi was coming back full-force with a hard-hitting storyline. I was really depressed last year when JT "Roll of Dimes" Yorke got stabbed; that was cold, Linda Schuyler! You bitch! He was the cutest. And I was also sad when Craig left, and especially sad when I had to kick him out of the bar I was working at because the liquor inspector was renewing our license that night and he wasn't 19. Damn you, Jake Epstein and your gorgeous bone structure and crippling acne. I too know the ills of acne. Damn you, skin!!
Moving on.
Last nights was a bit of a nail biter. Well, not really, but as close to one as you get on Degrassi. Remember Religious McGee Darcey Edwards from last season? Nope? The one with shitty Hair Do! by Ken Paves extentions and skin like a well-used Louis Vuitton? Yeah, you remember. Anyways, she is dating the principal's son (the badass who likes to film/tape/watch girls doing seductive shit aka he is a CM - Chronic Masturbator). So she goes to this snowboard party, which happens after a very Monkees-esque montage of her falling down the slopes. It honestly looked like it was edited by Benny Hill. So yeah, she then leaves her drink unnattended (retard) and someone roofes-it. Are people still roofing drinks? Really? We haven't evolved much over the past 20 years have we. So then she goes night-night on the couch and some guy takes her into the bedroom. But we can't leave it there - she has promised to be a virgin till marriage and uh-oh, she is gonna get raped! But not just any raped...she is lying tummy-down on the bed. That's right, butt rape! The owiest of the rapes. Will she lose her V to a dick-in-a-box (by box I mean butt)? I sure hope so! We need some dramz on Degrassi. Ever since Manny "Mucho Sucio Chola" Sanchez dyed her hair an abysmal shade of blonde, we need to kick it up a notch. Speaking of kicking up a notch, can we lose Liberty? She is so annoying and has terrible lips. Lips like two obese slugs fighting over a Christmas ham.
DPOTW (Degrassi Prediction of the Week):
Okay, so we all know that Darcy is in for it, but just how in for it is she?
a) peen in the vageen
b) dick-in-a-butt
c) option a, but with a pregnancy scare
d) turns into a slut a la Manny
e) Jaws returns to his home planet


Jenn L said...

i saw option c.

holy shit!!! you never told me about Jake Epstein!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jeeeeez louise!

Anonymous said...

totally the jaws one

Kris said...

Holy shit, I have fallen completely out of touch with Degrassi. I need to rectify this injustice immedietly. To the DVD store!

Anonymous said...

Uhhhh.....It's TUESDAY! Where is the promised GINGER? This is not punny!!

Anonymous said...

Bradley R. has died???

deadeye-davi / uncle jesse said...

I really wany her to be all like, "Oh wow, my ass hurts so good!" and then she will become the number one butt-slut to the janitors at Degrassi. It will give us a glimpse into the simple and satifying lives of the custodial staff (you know, cock fights in the lockerooms after dark and cutting your coke with that vomit-sawdust.) It will be great!