2.19.2008

America (Fuck Yeah)

Hello friends. I am so sorry you got zero posts on Friday and yesterday. I was sick as a bitch on Friday and yesterday was Family Day (aka Bogus Made-Up Holiday). I shouldn’t complain – I love a day off as much as the next person. I spent my Family Day singing Family Day carols by the fire and reading stories from the Family Day Book of Yore. And by that I mean, I spent Family Day at IKEA. With every other fucking family from here to Tuktiyuktuk, Alaska. Lame.
Anyways, I wanted to do this post for a while. I had mentioned a while ago that I took a trip to Detroit, MI (Dearborne, to be exact) and went shop-a-loppin’ at Target (America’s Nuts). I bought close to $80 worth of American food (which you might remember my horrific run-in with Kraft Macaroni & Cheese). But yeah, one thing I bought (that sadly, you cannot get in Canada) are Flipz.I love chocolate-covered pretzels. I like to make them in my spare time. That may be why I am a fat-ass (not really, but let’s pretend). Anyways, they had these in Canada for a quick minute before pulling them and sending them back to America. I guess chocolate and pretzels were no match for the awesome taste sensations of whale blubber, seal eyes, and poutine.
As you can see, I got the monster box. There was no smaller box! What could I do, my hands were tied. And yes, I ate the whole box in one sitting watching South Park. But the best part about these little trans-fat laden nuggets from Heaven is the assurance on the back that Nestle isn't judging your fat ass.”They’re round, like me”? What the hell? They aren’t even trying to sugar-coat who is eating the Monster Box of Flipz, are they? They might as well have just put ”I’m a fucking fat piece of shit…what’s 38 grams of chocolate more?” After I read the back of the box (I like to call them Nestle’s Daily Affirmations) I just imagined the losers who bought several Monster Boxes of Flipz from Target that day - the 51 year old Grandmother who is raising her Grandbabies cause “Carol can’t get her life together long enough to make sure these damn youngins have a sandwich or two”, the lardasses with copious amounts of brain damage who are also picking up a dozen multi-pacs of Capri Sun, and me. Hooray! Anyways, I won’t lie like this shit isn’t delicious, I’m just saying it is no damn wonder why Americans are so fucking fat – it’s not that the food is 99% garbage. It’s because this box was like $1! You know how much a box of candy like this would be in Canada? $3.99. We have the same shit up here, it’s just way more expensive. It’s like that Chris Rock bit where he says if you wanna stop murders, make bullets cost 5 grand. Same as in the US. Charge Canadian prices for cheese and ice cream (two things that are waaay too expensive here) and watch those fatties drop that weight. You know how much an assorted sub at SubWay costs up here? $5. And that’s for a fucking 6-inch, too. You know how much a turkey is? $6. That’s right – the healthy choice is only a dollar more. Fine, but why is the assorted sub $5? That shit is made from snakes, raccoons, shoes, and a big fat question mark. That sangweesh should be like $1.99, for a 12-inch too. I need a deal; those bastards took away the Sub Stamps. That was the only thing making me wanna live. Bring back Sub Stamps, you cheap bastards!

4 comments:

Marina said...

My Husband went to Subway awhile ago and noticed that they raised their prices. So I guess as his sub was being made, he made a comment about the prices going up, and the "Sandwich Artist" said that prices went up because the cost of CORN went up.

?!?!?!?

He told her that he wasn't having any corn on his sub, and she didn't say anything more on the price subject. But... now I'm not allowed to goto subway anymore because its "stupid."

Econ said...

The "sandwich artist" is right. Corn IS probably the reason the price of subs have increased.

As the price of corn increases so do many food products....corn is quickly becoming the primary ingredient in animal feed and fuel. Eventually this translates into higher food prices at the supermarket and restaurants.

Just wait until they add another toonie to the price list because wheat is becoming scarce.

Bee said...

A year ago in college, a guy VOLUNTEERED the fact that he was the one who made couterfeit subway stamps, got a free sub every day, and ruined it for everyone. And his uggs self was proud too!

He got a verbal beat down.

...we should have gotten his address too...

RIP Sub Stamps.

deadeye-davi / uncle jesse said...

You wanna know another reason ( If not THE reason) America rocks? Well here it is:

http://www.sugarbushsquirrel.com/index.html