2.26.2008

A new study suggests that Christians are having nasty, Christ-filled sex. This just in, I barfed myself.

I know you don't like hearing this, but you were created by your parents furious fucking. I know, its gross. But it's true, and you can't escape that. Your Dad sprayed semen all up in your Mom's vagina. Why does everyone get so grossed out at that? It's true. How depressing would it be to imagine your parents going at it like efficient Germans, void of any and all romance or sexyness? Ugh, so sad. Less sad than imagining how your Dad felt when he had to sleep in his car until the divorce was finalized. I digress. Many times I have heard the mystery of a certain Christian Sex Toy website, My Beloved's Garden (mybelovedsgarden.net). Well, I finally took the time to search for it online and browse their products. If you are thinking this is gonna be the same lame shit you see on other sex toy sites (you visit that many sex toy sites?), you are sorely mistaken. I found the good shit. I mean, shoot. I found the good shoot. Or do Christians say sugar? Let's do this thing!

First off, you are greeted by this:
Welcome! We provide a safe, non-pornographic place to shop for all your Christian sex toys and romance needs, while keeping Jesus at the centre of your marriage.
Huh? The phrase sex toys alone speaks volumes about porno without ever seeing a boob. Also, if you have any questions, they have a seperate phone number for men and women to call. I assume it's so you can speak to someone of the opposite gender and talk out your dirtiest fantasies to them.I tried real hard to find anal beads or butt plugs and stuff, but Christians don't seem to be down with the dirt road. This was as close to anal stuff as I could get. Although it describes it as DOUBLE ACTION EXCITERS are TURBO powered multi-speed DUAL ACTION stimulators with accentuated heads for ultra sensations!, I am assuming that means use the larger one on God's most precious vagina, and the smaller on your poop chute.This one is called the Tsunami Stimulator Torpedo and they describe that you will Experience the awesome power of nature as this tidal wave of pure pleasure engullfs you. Tidal waves, eh? Just like the ones that engulfed Jonah and made him get swallowed by a whale? Huh? Right? They were going with a cryptic bible story and not just a lame attempt at 'sexy talk', right?Uh...is this the kind of stuff your pastor had in mind during couple's councilling?Nipple clamps, eh? Who knew that waiting till marriage fucked people up so bad.I get that they want to take out the naughty bits from the lingerie, but do they have to use Microsoft Paint so poorly and with such little precision that it turns the models into victims of leprosy?
And yeah, that's a thong with suspenders.I fucking love man-thongs with animals and critters and stuff. They are as funny as when you put sunglasses on a baby. I really don't know who finds this stuff sexy, though. Who doesn't laugh at this stuff? Its all well and good when the duck is on a buff, waxed model. But please imagine this on your average Charlie Church. Also, imagine him and his wife praying to God Heavenly Father, please be with us during this most holy of acts. Watch over us as we join together in love and Christ. Amen. Alright, honey, its time to put the duck in the ark.

But the weirdest thing is in the FAQs. They ask about what is Biblically ok as far as sex, and what God sees as a no-no. Apparently, two men kissing is a big no-no. Sex before marriage is also not happening. Making a little money from giving bj's in the park? No way. But this?This is a-ok with the Big G.

5 comments:

Baby Bap said...

Why are people surprised about this website? It's no secret that Christians that believe sex before marriage is "forbidden" are the most adventureous in the bedroom.

Guys can kiss each other and couples do engage in premarital sex.....they just can't get caught!

alex davey illustrations said...

Innapropriate!!!! NSFW NSFW!!!!! I was looking at this at school you dumb dick, now everyone will think I want leather swan underwear for Dan!
Also, can you give jenn my ipod connector when she comes over tonight? I have a painting due tomorrow i have to finish/start.

rachel said...

Uhhhhh, if there is a God it will NEVER bless the Mayor with even the thought of having a child! EVER!

Praise be Jesus!

ThomG said...

Mayor, that was your most awesomenessed post ever. I nearly wet my fucking pants.

deadeye-davi / uncle jesse said...

I wish I could order all that swell paraphernalia, but I'm a Jew... Oh, well.