3.31.2008

Ginger Tuesday!!

Click here to read about this week's Ginger! It's a good one. Trust.

My Hobbies

Of course you get a little post today. Now, I love baking, and I really love decorating and icing shit. At work we had a Secret Santa over the holiday season (yeah...the one from 4 months ago?) and the person who pulled my name obviously had Satan on their side, cause here it is April 1st, and they are FINALLY getting their Christmas present. Anyways, our presents had to be less than $10, which is pretty bogus - buying something is next to impossible, and making a present is always tricky. You never really know if the recipient will enjoy their homemade present. One thing I know people always like are my sugar cookies. They are just sweet enough to distinguish themselves from gag-out shortbread and not so sweet that you feel the Type 2 creeping up in your throat. I decided to make two kinds for my recipient (her name is Angela). I like dipping cookies in chocolate because it is easy but looks really classy. This is some Donald Trump shit right here. Its nice too, cause some people like chocolate; but I refuse to pander to people who like choco-choco-chip cookies. Ew - Soccer Mom cookies.I really love icing cookies. I am not really one for cutting out shapes; they always end up looking a little strange to me. The first ones are cute, but then your hand gets really tired from holding that piping bag and all the characters and shapes start to look like they're melting. Circles and squiggles are the easiest and they always look cute.
Anyways, I also do cupcakes and cakes. So, if you got a Bar Mitzvah coming up or you are just a food-hungry maniac, gimme a call.

3.26.2008

America's Next Top Forever 21 Employee, Episode 6

First off, my one and only Intern, Intern Tylerface, has his own website!! That's right - you can read his hilariousness at Tylerface's Space. I strongly suggest you check it out; not that it is much different from here, but it is cute nonetheless.
ON TO THE SKANKS!!
The Parade of Lame continues this week with Claire hating Dominique, Whitney hating Dominique, Lauren hating Dominique, Anya hating sunlight. My god, could this episode get any more dull? They were fighting over a fucking alarm clock! Remember when the littlest thing would set these hos off? Now it's like they internalize everything and the one time they blow up, it's for something super-trivial. Jesus, my sister's alarm clock used to go off all the time while she slept through it. You know what I did? Bitch about out? Hells no, I yanked that shit out of the wall. Bingo bango. Usually my sister would lose her shit once I pulled the clock (with due reason - it used to take her so long to program the time and alarm) so she would try to get me back by turning my alarm off while I slept or by using my toothbrush to scratch her ass. V for Vendetta was based off our relationship. Anyways, let's talk about these hoodrats, shall we?
This week Tyra met the girls at a dance studio to show them how to pose like they were in pain. If this was the future and we had two-way televisions, I would have won that challenge. I am in extreme pain everytime Tyra's mug is on the screen. I'm sure Tyra put the girls in red; Tyra needed them to take the attention off her fat ass in that tight bodysuit. Surriously, when she was lying on her back grabbing her ankles - I would bet a good $1000 that she split the crotch out of those leggings. The stitching must have been hanging in there for dear life. But enough about Tyra's thunder thighs (really - I can't talk about it anymore. I get the same feeling when I eat too much cottage cheese. Very nauseous).
Shall we talk about the pictures now? Yes? I agree. This week, they had to dress up like music genres. LAME!! They should have just done more nude shoots with Nigel Barker. Oh wells, let's start with who won; Fatty Fatty Fat Fat aka The Cheesecake Factory aka Whitney!!Grunge
I am SO HAPPY homegirl won, cause she is a disaster and she deserved to come first this week. I would love to see her in the final 3, but she has a bit of a glandular problem and that seems to be a sideliner in the modeling industry. Maybe she will be lucky enough to work after the show? I am thinking Addition Elle or Torrid.

And who packed their Samsonites this week? That's right, I totally called it...Aimee, R&B
What a boring piece of toast. I hated when Anya went for the photoshoot and she was all like "I'm a mormon, so that would be improper of me because my body is a temple". Yeah, my body is a temple too; the kind that has seen a couple hundred lonely Monks sleep in it (what does that even mean?). What the hell kind of modeling did she think she was going to do? I can just imagine her practicing her JC Penney poses at home; wearing Blossom hats and overalls with one strap undone. Tommy Girl!

Anya, Punk
Wow, I can't believe it, but she actually pulled off the punk thing. Although is this really what they thing Punk is? Wow, the ANTM producers are old.
PS - Anya, get some toner for your hair; you are starting to ape Betty White.

Claire, Country
What the hell?!?! It's like they took anything that has ever been associated with Country and barfed it up on Claire. What the hell?!?! Oh my god, I was embarrassed for her - she looked like Jessica Simpson in Blonde Ambition.

Dominique, Folk
Ugly ugly ugly. When will she get kicked off?!?

Fatima, Metal
This shot is so goofy and stupid AND I LOVE IT!! When you are essentially doing a parody of Bret Michaels, then do it up campy. Although her pants are dangerously close to Camel Toe Territory. Fatima - always remember to do a 'creep sweep'.

Katterginna, Emo
She's gonna get a hair cut next week!! I can't wait to see it. Hopefully, she will look a little less 1-900-RUSSIAN-SLUTS.

Lauren, Pop
What is this? She looks like an extra in a Devo music video. They probably toyed with the idea of Lauren doing the Punk shot, but thought she wouldn't be believable enough. "I'm so punk rock!" - yeah, sure you are, Lauren. Keep listening to your Clash Greatest Hits CD.

Stacy Ann, House
You’re watching MTV 4: the alternative to the alternative. Next up, Deep House Dish.
Woooo! Woo! Welcome to Deep House Dish, the only show devoted to house music, and dishing out the latest house, and techno music stars. I am your host, DJ Dynasty Handbag.

Next week...Lauren loses her shit (argh! So punk rawk!!) and Whiteny gets told she is a lardass. Basically, this week's episode Part 2. See you then!!

3.25.2008

I CAN HAS DOOSHBAGZ?

Click to make big. Trust, you will want to see the fine details.

Ah mah gahd! People, I don't want to trivialize any of your emails or letters or whathaveyou.
But.
Take a look at the picture above, and hang your heads in shame. This is THE BEST letter I have ever received (that's actually saying a lot, because one time I got a letter from Princess Diana when I was a little girl and that was the shit back in the day. I also got a autographed picture of Mr. T, but they are both headed for the fireplace aka the open fire in a garbage can behind my apartment building). There is a new Baby in the house; hit the bricks once-was adorable 3-year-old.
Anyways, let me give you a little backstory. This is from Josie, a reader who lives in Ottawa, Ontario. She saw the post a while back calling for drawings of inanimate objects come to life or American Apparel dooshbags. Some of you would do one; she did both. In the same drawing. And cut and pasted the whole thing to an 8.5 x 11 piece of construction paper. Ho-lee shit, this is great, eh? PS - in case you can't really see it, the American Apparel model is made out of a tampon. Something tells me Josie spends a little too much time smelling car exhaust (GUILTY! That shit smells great). Let's take a look at the 6 Signs of American Apparel Douchebaggery:
1. Classic American Apparel headband
True dat. Any fucker wearing one of those Tard Snaps should be burned. Ugh, in the words of Regina George: "Stop trying to make Headbands happen! It's not going to happen!"
2. Dirt Stache
Growing minimal, patchy facial hair makes you look like Justin Timberlake, not Vincent Gallo. You basically look like NSYNC. And for the guys who are essentially growing teen staches? Take it easy! You are all starting to look like a little JD Samson army.
3. V-Neck girl-coloured shirt
I can't hate on this one - they are called the 25/25/50 tees and they are awesome. I also like how guys buy the girl colours (pink, mauve, pale yellow) and the girls buy the boy colours (navy, hunter green, maroon).
4. Fanny Pack
It says "...why??", but when I first read it, I thought it said "...gay!" I clearly need glasses. You can't take Fanny Packs as your own, Hipsters; they are owned by Red State Vacationing Moms. The Peggy Hills of the world, if you will. Anyways, why do they embrace the Fanny Pack? Pfft...I dunno. Cause they are stupid, I guess.
5. Metallic Spandex
You know how I feel about metallic spandex.
6. Striped Tube Socks
I love that the striped tube sock plays a pretty prominent part in the AA advertising schematic, but have you honestly ever tried to stuff those little shits into shoes? Hells naw, is right! They are so thick, you look like Cinderella's ugly-ass stepsister trying to squeeze her foot into the glass slipper. Cute looking? Yes. Practical use as socks? No.

Anyways, enjoy this little piece of art. Tres Bon!

3.23.2008

Happy Easter Urrbods

Hey guys! Did you all have a great Easter? I did. The Easter Bunny came to my house and left me plenty of delicious treats. Normally, the Easter Bunny doesn't bring treats to kids over 13; but I am a very special kid. And when I say special, I mean in the most 'Olympics' way possible. Anyways, enough about me and my Creme Eggs. Can we talk about Creme Eggs for a moment? How delicious are those? I think if you ate 3 at once, your chances of getting Type 2 increase 300%. Anyways, I found a couple of Peeps dioramas, and if there are 2 things I like, it's Peeps and Dioramas. I love making Dioramas. I really wish they asked me to make more at work. But then again, I am not 5 and in Kindergarten. Naw, dioramas are more of a Grade 3 thing. But I am off topic. Here are a few dioramas for your enjoyment. And if anyone wants any Peeps, get over to my house, cause I got plenty. My sister even gave me hers, but that's cause she barfed Saturday night after Easter Dinner. Apparently, she couldn't handle 2 bags of chips, a whole jar of pickles, lamb, potatoes, Peeps, several Creme Eggs, more than 4 Easter cookies, and lemon cake. LIGHTWEIGHT!




3.18.2008

Lazy Wednesday...

Hey guys. Okay, so I have been sent a few good YouTube videos lately, and people are always asking me if I know of any funny videos. So, I figured I would share some with you. It's that simple - enjoy!

1. German commercial for eyeglasses
If you don't read German (what? why not?) it says "Need Eyeglasses?" I normally think that 99% of commercials are terrible, but this one is pretty good. Plus, you get some NSFW that is SFW.

2. Skin ballet

If you have a queasy stomach, I would say avoid this one. But for the rest of you that don't barf at the average gross video, then I strongly suggest you watch. Maybe skip to the 1:23 part (that's where it gets good). But the music is very pretty. The human body is a freaking circus.

3. Barbie Girl

I hate when people my age get all "nostalgic" for the 80's (how old were you, 5?) I can't wait for people to get nostalgic for the 90's. Aqua will have fans again! Listen to it, and tell me you don't want to start wearing platform sneakers and tight black flares again.

3.17.2008

Ginger Tuesday!

Click here to read about this week's Ginger.

Liveblogging - Degrassi!

8:00 - FUCK THIS SHIT!!

7:59 - what the hell?!? It's just an ad for Dancing with the Stars?!? Where is my preview for next week?!?

7:57 - Ooh, it's over! Let's see what will happen next week!

7:55 - Marco looks sad now. I think he sucked the D. Oh...nope, he didn't. Good for you, Marco!! Don't suck the stick for dollars! Ellie is working her BFF magic and making him feel better. Aw, that's what friends are foooooorrrrr. Marco gotta learn that dick dollaz don't buy happiness.

7:54 - Manny is now having dinner with Jay and her parents. They invited a Minister over for dinner for "pre-marital councilling" for Manny and Jay. Uh oh.

7:50 - I so called this. I wonder if he's gonna go through with this. It's apparently $100 a pop. Really? I thought that Blow J's were like $30. I have been lied to. I am also gonna track some mofos down to get some lost cash. Jokes! Anyways, he looks worried - he should get the hells outta there. James St. James never sucked a dick for cash. Ew! What is wrong with folks? I have been broke as a joke, and have never thought about the easy way out. It's called The Mall, and there are literally hundreds of stores looking for people ages 15-25 to work in them.

7:49 - A car pulls up aaaand....HE'S GONNA SUCK D FOR CASH!!!!!

7:46 - Marco is asking his bar BF about getting a job at daclub. He wants to be a busboy. Ugh, Marco - you are too delecate for that. You need to get something at the Gap. He then tries to get some money so he puts $20 on horseracing. He wins $0 (of course). He needs to get some money through suckin' D.

7:45 - Manuella is now talking with her "Philipino" parents (they are so Japanese). She says it will be a loooong engagement. Shit, knock off the lies, homegirl.

7:43 - Marco just met his dirtbag at daclub, and the cover was $50. What...the..fuck? What the hell club is $50?!? I hear Human Lady - Male Donkey sex shows in Tijuana aren't even $50. Anyways, Marco can't afford that shit, so he leaves. His Dirt McGirt tells him that "money is the easy part". Prostitution!!! This is gonan get rich!

7:41 - Manny is on a date with Jay (what? When did this happen?) and he kisses her goodnight. She is making out with him and her Dad busts them. Her Dad gets all Papa Joe Simpson on her, so she makes up a lie that they were only kissing because they were celebrating. What you might ask? They're "Engaged"! Oh yeah, this isn't going to turn sour...

7:40 - Now we're sitting with Ellie and Marco is borrowing money (again) and Ellie is telling him he should be partying less. Ugh, I saw this already - it's called Party Monster.

7:39 - We're back with Marco and he is sitting with his old BF. Awww....

7:38 - Manny is trying to tell Emma that Jay (that's his name!) isn't that skeevy. WRONG - he is trash.

7:37 - Marco's 39 year old date is asking him to sneak into a club or some shit. I'm not paying attention because I think they are playing C+C Music Factory.

7:35 - Marco is at his "Cabaret" night (aka The Dance Cave with bubbles and Mardi Gras beads). He just ran into his old bf or something who is working there. Nothing really comes of it. Marco is really digging ladies in drag. Methinks he might turn Priscilla Queen of the Desert on us.

7:34 - Manny is bitching at that skeevy white-trash guy at school. Isn't she like 21? Why is she still in High School? Anyways, the guy just told Manny's Dad that he can supe up his Beemer. GAY!

7:33 - oooh, the theme of 'Marco being po' is coming up alot. I think he is hard up for cash.

7:32 - Marco is shopping in what is clearly Kensington Market. He and Ellie are arguing over the fact that Marco is going to a Cabaret night without her. Take a hint, Ellie - he's not interested!

7:30 - Marco and Ellie in a bar. Marco starts talking to this skeezy gay dude who looks like he's 6 months shy of his 40th b-day. Lame! Aaaaaannnnd...title sequence!

7:29 - So I decided to do this liveblogging thing because I loves me some Degrassi, but I know alot of you don't actually watch it. Also, I needed to prove to myself I could carry somehting for longer than 5 minutes.

3.13.2008

Wacky Church Signs (...it's come to this?)

Okay, so while I was perusing College Humor, I stumbled upon this fantastic Church Sign. Ugh, come on - tell me you know what Church Signs are. Fine - they are when a church gets a little too punny with their outdoor sign. Anyways, this one is actually great.I am assuming this church is made up of morning-after club goers or an over-zealous group of 14-year-old white males. So I was trying to search for some funny ones - actually funny, mind you, and this was about as funny as it got.What if you are fucking a guy named Jesus? What if he works at Captain Christ's Churro Roundup? Still doesn't count as church? Why does God make it so hard!?!
Anyways, in honour of Friday, I made a few of my own. Vote for your faves in the comments, or leave your own ideas. It was hard to come up with some good ones, so try not to be too hard on me.

3.12.2008

America's Next Top Forever 21 Employee, Episode 4

Okay, this is gonna be super-short this week, because as you know, I am sick as hell. Fuck you, white blood cells! Do your damn job, you lazy assholes!! Ugh, this may be a little messed-up because I just drank 2 mugs of Neo-Citran. Delicious Neo-Citran. I really wish they sponsored me. Because my AA sponsor said he can't work with me anymore. Something about being a 'lost cause'. Pfft, moving on. Just make with the pictures, Edith...

This week's winner would not be my first choice. Probably my second. Still good, though...Anya
Anya is great - the judges had it right on - Anya is disgusting in real life and gorgeous in pictures. Have you ever heard the saying she is why cavemen painted on walls? Anya is why Adobe created Photoshop.

And of course, there has to be one ultimate loser. I didn't see this one coming...

(Note: when I went to get the picture for Amis, there wasn’t one posted. It’s like the CW and ANTM are so embarrassed of her, they want to eliminate her from everyone’s memories. In all fairness, though, her shot was abysmal).

Amos
Oh wait, yes I did! Why, honestly, was Amis picked? Hell, why was Kimberly picked? Anyways, how lame was that girls headband? Ugh, I am SO OVER those American Apparel headbands. Everytime I see one, I want to punch the wearer in the face. Same goes for: leggings, Iranian scarves, H&M's fake leather bomber jackets, Wayfarers. DUNZO.

But enough about played out Urban Outfitters employees. Let's check out the rest of the vermin in the Rat's Nest, shall we? Aimee
So boring. So effing boring. I think she will be next to go.Claire
There are two things that bother me about Claire:
1) Her hair looked so much better when it was black and half-shaved. She looks too much like Rosie O'Donnell's girlfriend now.
2) Homegirl is hurting for a bra. Can we not get her a bra? Please.Jeremy's Mom
I know that I make fun of Dominique for looking like a Soccer Mom, but for reals - she is an inspiration to MILFs and Cougars everywhere. Good for you, Dominique! You can be 40 and sexy!Fatima
Did you watch her walk? Oh. My. God. I don't even know what to call that. Miss J called it marching, but I call it prancing. She prances like when I call my dog to dinner. And let me tell you, my dog is a prancy-pants. America's love affair with Fatima is over.Katterginna
I was glad she won the runway challenge...untill I realized that her prize was a Lot 29 photo-shoot. Ew! That is like a public shaming! I would rather people find out I suck dick for weed than to find my face in a Lot 29 ad. You think I'm joking, but i am dead serious. Lot 29 will haunt your ass for years.Lauren
Walks like a newborn baby deer. Also, if she says 'I'm a punk girl' one more time, I will hunt her down (it won't be hard - there are only 2 Hot Topics in New York) and slap that ho. And Lauren - you obvs don't want to be there! If modeling was what you are 'living for' or whatever bullshit models spout out, then you would have learned to walk and pose by now. Kick her oooout!Marvita
Next week she gets into a pose-off with Benny Ninja. Ooh! Lover's quarrell! Marvita has plenty of gifts; long legs, strong eyes. But someone needs to get her the greatest gift of all. Proactive.Stacy-Ann
I am so bored with Stacy-Ann too. She needs to leave. No drama, no fighting. She doesn't pick sides. Long story short, not good for TV.Whitney
I would have picked Whitney for the win, but Anya stole that shit. Also, she gets into a crazy fight next week where she get's called a racist by Dominique. I would love to say the fight goes somewhere, but this crew is so dullsville that it will go like this:

Whitney: Black girls have better weaves than white girls
Dominique: You is racist!!
Whitney: DON'T CALL ME RACIST!!
Dominique: Okay...I'm sorry. That was out of line.
Whitney: I accept your apology.

Ugh, so boring. Anyways, let's all watch next week as Jaslene crawls her way back into another episode (she needs the $$) and lets all cross our fingers that Tyra doesn't sing again (oh god! Her voice killed my ears!!)

3.09.2008

From Teen to Porno; the Skip-Raid talks 'staches.

Just because a Hipster Douchbag can biologically grow a moustache, doesn't mean he should. 2 weeks without shaving, and they look like carbon copies of eachother. Then again, a so does a trip to American Apparel and a pair of Wayfarers. Hey-o! Anyways, here are a few good mustaches, and a few ones that molest my eyes. Who want's a moustache ride?!?The Magnum P.I. aka The Patron Saint of Staches
Sweet sassy, molassey - that is a fantastic stache. B-E-A-Yootiful. If Tom Selleck ever worries that he has tainted his legacy with shit roles in garbage like 3 Men and a Baby, Mr. Baseball, and playing Courtney Cox's boyfriend on Friends, all he has to do is look at this picture. He could do Air Bud 7: Doggy Style and it wouldn't take an ounce of dignity away from the man with the golden 'stache.The Silver-Dollar Railroad
Legend has it that William Taft and FDR were big-time rivals and totally hated eachother. I think I know why; Eleanor be jealous of that 'stache. Sorry, token Eleanor Roosevelt was a man over. You have to have a serious set of testiculars in order to pull off a stache this tight. Additionally, you have to have an ultra-tough job, like cattle branding or gator rasslin' if you want to keep a squirrel on your face.The Chola Mouth
It takes a real hew-mew to draw a line above his upper lip with a Sharpie.The Brown Bunny
Vincent Gallo is alot of thingds: douchebag, crackhead, putter of penis in Chloe Sevigny's pie hole. But he is a walking billboard for a stylish 'stache. I think this is sort-of what Hipsters wish they looked like when they grow a moustache.
Dear Hipsters
You will never look like The Gallo. Give up.
xo - meThe Surreal Life
Ron Jeremy is famous for being a hot piece. For me, he will always be a Surreal Life castmate. But before he was sharing a bunk with Gary Coleman, he was autofellating himself with one hell of a porn 'stache. Ew, why the hell do guys want to be able to autofellate themselves? Ugh, grosses me out.The Push Broom
This isn't a real person. Ergo, his 'stache doest count.