3.06.2008

Oh, come on!

I will make no excuses - I really love American Apparel. Yes, their clothes are over-priced and they rip and fall apart. And yes, it's essentially the uniform for hipster dooshbags, and that their employees are the paste-eating 5-year-olds of the working world. But I don't care - that shit is hot and I will buy it till the company declares bankruptcy (because coke ain't cheap, people).
Their clothes are really stylish and fit great - they make your ass and junk and bewbs look tremendous. Sadly, though, they do have some pieces in their collection that are terribly gross. Do you see where I am going with this? Cotton Wide Stripe Jersey Tank aka The Pedophile Tank
Ugh, I think there is something wrong with me because I cannot get used to seeing guys in tank tops. They look okay on girls, but there is something about a guy baring his arms that looks so weird. But there is something about this top that goes crosses the line from 'breezy summer shirt' into 'hey kid - I got a whole bag of Cherry Blasters and a bunch of comic books in my van. Wanna come see 'em?'Cotton Spandex Jersey Gloria-V Bodysuit aka The Hungry Crotch
Boys - bodysuits are gross. JSYK. They are fully dependant on you being the exact right size. Too short, and your bodysuit is bunchy and falling off your shoulders and sagging in the crotch. Too tall, and the straps are digging in to your shoulders and your labia are struggling to avoid Camel Toe Status. So the bodysuit is a no-go for most women. But this one is hideous beyond hideous. Its too see-through to wear a bra, so you are subject to flat saggy mcsaggerson bewbs, and too tight to wear underwear. Which means that your crotch is gonna get hungry and start eating that spandex jersey.Poplin Short aka Vinard
My friend Beth used to call nut stink Vinard. It makes sense - nut stink smells like vinegar and mustard. These shorts will provide you with a Costco sized ammount of Vinard.Lamé Legging aka Lame Legging
Are people not done with leggings yet?Fine Jersey Visor aka Dude-Bro, surriously...
Does this visor come with a bottle of Rohypnol and a 6-pack of Coronas?Lamé Suspender Swimsuit aka What The Hell?
You know how MENSA has those visual mind puzzles that test to see if you are a genius? Well, this is sort of the opposite of that. For instance, if you spend $36 on this bathing suit, then you are dumb.Organic Infant Baby Rib Short Sleeve Lap T aka Ginger Baby!
Nothing bag about the shirt, just wanted to post a picture of a Ginger Baby. He is a Q-T (is his Dad a dealer, cause he's dope to me).Velour Long Sleeve Raglan aka Beers in the Basement
I know that American Apparel embraces the best styles of the 70's and 80's, but this just seems like a lazy steal from the That 70's Show wardrobe room. Also, if any of you have ever owned one of those old 80's velour shirts, you know how damn sweaty you get in it. And let me tell you - velour smells worse than vinard when you have been letting sweat and BO fester in the armpits.Cotton Spandex Jersey High-Waisted Hot Short aka I Found You, Ms. New Booty
I understand the booty shorts - they are sexy and everybody loves ass cleavage. But why the hell do they have a high-waist? What the hell is the point? They look like pregnancy shorts.

2 comments:

wittmer said...

hahaa.. I just can't picture being really hot in the summer and running to go put on my lamé suspender swimsuit so that I can go jump in a pool/lake... I mean, my dad doesn't wear his suspenders when he swims, and neither should you...

Anonymous said...

The only thing worse than a velour top on a guy is velour PANTS!!!

It's just not right!

very funny post Mayor!