4.06.2008

America's Next Top JC Penney Model

I have to admit that I totally stole the title of this week's ANTM post from reader Alice, who foolishly emailed me with it in the subject line. I teefed from you, bitch. Deal with it! Anyways, this week you might have noticed that I didn't have an ANTM recap - and if you did, you emailed me to ask me where it was. On Friday, my inbox was nothing but:

James, Subject: Where is the ANTM post?
Annie, Subject: Why didn't you do an ANTM post?
JD, Subject: When will we get the ANTM post?
Chad, Subject: How soon till you get the ANTM post done?
Hakim, Subject: Increase your love stick with 18" of pleasurable love juices!!1!
Reyrey, Subject: Why do we not have the ANTM post yet?

And so on. Vultures, the lot of you. But as promised, I wrote all you scabs back and let you know that you wouldn't go without. We may not have money, but there will always be plenty of hot bologna sandwiches (that reminds me of a story, which I believe I will regale you with tomorrow - would you guys like another story? You seemed to like the bedskirt-shithouse story, so I think I might give you another one).
But really, you come here for one thing and one thing only - bitchy and cruel comments said to tear young girls away from their dreams of becoming an international supermodel, so let's get to it!! First off, here is what our little Intern, Tylerface, thought of this week's eliminee...

Okay, so I knew Claire was getting the boot this week, (No, seriously. I actually knew. I read a spoiler.) and I couldn't be happier! Bitch was hella annoying and got increasingly uglier as time progressed. Her roots started to grow in and bitch looked straight up dusk hooker. No joke. You know, the kind of hooker you see on the street corners around 7:00pm to about 10:00pm and you're not too sure if she's really a hooker or just a civilian; because hookers constitute as "Royalty de la Rue". (Everything sounds better in French.) So, she's gone. It was her and Lauren in the bottom two, and although Lauren's picture was not fierce in the slightest, it was still better than Claire's. Who was like completely flat faced. Genetics you say? Well, I say it's because of her little "mishap". Allow me to explain with these four words:

"I'm gonna slide in!"
Claire; honey. If you're reading this (Editor's note: she's not - she's breastfeeding), sliding is what you did the second time. The first time was straight up faceplant. I can't even begin to explain the pain I felt when she fell. It was somewhere between stomach pain due to immense laughter, or.. no that was it.

Normally this would be where I rip Tylerface a new asshole, cause he just insulted my Claire, but I have to agree - she has been getting rull bad in the past couple of weeks. Also, let's state the obvious - homegirl is an Oldie Olsen, and needs to get home to make her kid Peanut Butter n' Banana Sammiches and watch The View. Claire, out!

And who won? WHO CARES? The pictures were so lame that picking a winner would be like picking the yellowest piece of corn out of your shit. Let's talk about them as best we can, but it is gonna be like pulling teeth - they all look like leaves ironed between two pieces of wax paper.Anya
Canadian kids are gonna know where I am going with this, but Anya looks like either Zip, Zap, ou Zoup in the Grade 5 Cahier d'Activité. I totally just confused the Americans. Don't worry guys, I was just speaking jibberish.

Trannique
That sounds like a perfume. I really have got to give Dominique some credit for this shot; I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to keep your dick tucked between your legs in the water.

Fatima
Okay, I don't know how to say this delicately, so I will just come out with it...
HOMEGIRL IS ANOREXIC. Are you looking at her fingers? Homeless drug-addicts are salivating over those hypodermic needles she calls fingers.

Katter-Ginna
That arm is bothering me so much!! How come she looks so rigid? Oh well, at least she got a great haircut this week. Paulina Pore-iz-cove-ah was right - she looks less Russian Slut now.

Lauren
Oh my god, this shot is so bad...she looks like (oh Christ, I am going to hell for this) a Downs-Syndromed Sarah Polley. Oh wow..that was tame. I think I can do better than that. Alright, Lauren looks like a Welfare-receiving, Wal-Mart shopping, pregnancy-drinking, fetal-alcohol-syndrome-giving, crabs-having trailer trash motherfucker.

Stacy-Ann
I am calling this one now - Stacy-Ann will be eliminated this coming week. Pack your bags! It's time to ship-out! Look, she's not going to win; ANTM is so predictable, we can now determine the winner 8 weeks prior to the final elimination. See you later Stacy-Ann!

Whitney
Okay, I am biased, but I think this is a great shot. Even if you hate Whitney, you have to admit that this fetus-embryo-shit is working for her. Also, I felt kinda bad that Ashley Paige said that Whitney was too fat (to wear that...ohh! Diss!!)
Cheer up, Whitts. Ashley Paige makes shitty swimsuits and I wouldn't be caught dead even standing near one in a store. Don't let this set you back; stay strong, and for the love of god, turn down every offer for plus-sized mall work that get's trown at you when you are booted off the show. I will cry tears of Swanson Hungry Man Dinners if I see Whitney in a Torrid or Lane Bryant ad post-ANTM.

So, next week Fatima might get the boot for being an Illegal :(

5 comments:

Alice's right foot said...

Kaloo-Kalay! The ANTM post is finally here.
This photoshoot was soo lame, so lame it was lamé... Sorry, I'm tired.

I'm trying to remember anything interesting that happened in this episode...Claire hitting her head - classic. B*tch fight over some coffee grinds. That's about it...
Anyway, this was so bad, it actually had me wishing Tyra would do a cheesy 80's inspired Jane Fonda-esque photoshoot à la CNTM season 1.

For your viewing pleasure and/or torture.

http://www.calgarysun.com/photos/147359.jpg

http://media.fashion18.com/images/Brandi_t220.jpg

The Mayor said...

Oh yeah! The coffee grounds fight! That was monumental (accent on the mental)

alex davey illustrations said...

He didn't get departed. I saw him in the all 2 weeks ago!

Anonymous said...

Remember the Téléfrançais pineapple? Freaky shit.

The Mayor said...

Ananas was amazing - American's missed out. Also, do you remember the french cat on Polka dot Door? Minou? I liked that guy.