5.26.2008

Oh shit! Shoes worse than Crocs!?!?

Okay, no time for a what's crappening. This is super-serious. So I was riding home today and I saw a poster for these shiteous monstrosities. They are called Dopies. Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth. A lot. Good lord, are you looking at this shit?!? Fuck!! Plastic and velcro and Moose Knuckles. ARE YOU SEEING THIS?!? Santa Maria, these maybe the ugliest fucking sandals I have ever seen. Way worse than Denim Crocs. Way worse than those bejeweled Birkenstocks. I hate these shoes so much that given the choice between wearing these in public and having someone tattoo a sore-covered penis on my face, I would choose the tattoo. I would rather drink my own urine...natch, I would drink a pint glass of my own "ice tea" (Tim and Eric reference) than have to wear these shoes. I think that if I put my foot in one, it would shrivel up like the Wicked Witch of the East when the house fell on her. Like battery acid on skin.
Are you looking at the logo? How much money do you want to bet that it originally contained a drawing of a Greatful Dead dancing bear. I really would love to believe that the people at Terra Plana (the inhuman animals that created Dopies) are pulling a prank on us, but I am not so lucky. Oh! Speaking of animals! Yes, that is a man with the head of a wolf. Humanity is fucked. See you after the apocalypse, people! Hopefully Pestilence Pony will make my death quick and painless.

UPDATE: I would totally eff that wolf/man, but it appears to have the head of a Baby Wolf. You think Chris Hansen will be at my door if I email it and ask it if it wants to come to my house and drink Zimas?

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

CAMEL TOE!!


Only dopes wears dopies!

The Mayor said...

No shit, but you know that kids and lazy, unstylish Americans will be all over this garbage this summer. SUMMER MAKES ME BARF.

Alice said...

There are ladies at my work who wear crocs with their business suits, which is gross enough. I don't think I can handle seeing people wear shoes that look like there's a big tongue between your toes. Blech.

Jack Gordon said...

I've been waging a losing battle against crocs for two years now, and now this . . . . damn it. (BTW, did you ever see this one:
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=fashion)

tylerface said...

I saw someone wearing AA shirts, a headband... and crocs.

I threw up in my mouth.
(Prolly cause she had a "pizza face". THE FACTS OF LIFE!)

Chris Hanson said...

Hi Mayor, why don't you have a seat right there...

WHAT are you doing here?

El Capitano said...

Oh Chris Hanson, you nosy fellow... leave the Mayor and her Manbearpig crush alone!

The Mayor said...

I don't think you realize how much I love TCAP. It is seriously the EXACT SAME STORY every time, and still I watch it. I love the myriad of reactions to Chris Hansen:
- denial
- tears
- "dumb-fuck" stare
and my personal favourite...
- "I think ima gon get goin, if yous dont mahnd" then SLAM the po-lice are waiting outside with their billy-clubs sets to 'beat'

The Mayor said...

Also, when Chris Hansen asks what they are doing, it is always so poignant...
"whaaaat...areyoudoinghere?"
Chris Hansen is like the Dr. Phil of Redneck-Pedos