6.30.2008

Fuck You, Entertainment Weekly: The Top 100 List for the Rest of Us.

I picked up an Entertainment Weekly last week, which I normally never do. It's usually pretty bland, but this week's issue was the Top 100 TV Shows, Movies, Books, Theatre, Albums, Shit-Stained Underwear of the past 25 years. Aka The New Classics. Here is a breakdown of my feelings:

Albums...don't give a shit, music is too subjective
Theatre, Books...theatre is the lowest form of entertainment, as as you all know I can't read
TV...I agreed with most of it, except for shit like Grey's Anatomy and ER and Ally McBeal. But, what can you do?
Movies...Titanic? The Matrix?!? SPEED?!?!?

Who the fuck wrote this list? Me in Grade 7? Sweet Jesus. So anyways, I decided to issue a throwdown and create my own list. Feel free to read their list, then you can compare mine, which will be done in 10-movie intervals. That's right - you get 10 at a time. No reading ahead!! Shall we start with our first 10? Less do dis!!

91. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
Look, I know that Mike Myers has jumped the shark, fed the shark, shit on the shark, and with the addition of The Love Guru to his repetoire, fucked the shark in the ass, but back in 1997 he was still pretty damn funny with his frozen-60s-spy-cum-unfrozen-90s-spy schtick. Well, Untill The Spy Who Shagged Me, anyways. Also, which came first? Swedish Penis Enlarger Pump jokes, or the Penis Enlarger Pump emails that fill The Skip-Raid's inbox every morning?
On EWs List? YES

92. About Schmidt (2002)
This is such a sweet movie, and yet people always go "what? The movie where Jack Nicholson is old and he makes a bucket list?" No, that would be another movie where Jack Nicholson plays a character the same age as himself. But there is nothing not to love about About Schmidt; it is very funny (Kathy Bates), and very touching (Ndugu), and very hot (Dermot Mulroney with a ponytail).
On EWs List? NO

93. Bad Santa (2003)
Remember back in 2003 when Bad Santa came out? And everyone dismissed it as a pure pile of shit? And no one saw it? Then it came out on DVD and everyone was like "holy shit, we were wrong"? And then we all realized that Bad Santa is painfully underrated? Of course you do.
On EWs List? NO

94. Devil’s Playground (2002)
Allow me to preface this my saying that a) it is a documentary and b) it is a documentary about Amish kids. It's about the magical time in a young Amlette's life when they turn 16 and their parents turn them wild into the real world (aka the Devil's Playground) and they do a shitload of drugs, steal, get their piipii sucked/suck a crapload of piipiis, then have to make the painful decision whether to return to Amish life or stay in the real world.
On EWs List? NO

95. Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood (1996)
Welcome to The Wayan's Brother's first movie parody, and as you can tell by the title, it spoofs gang movies like Boyz N the Hood, Juice, Menace II Society, etc etc. and ho-lee shit, this is stupid-funny at its best. Name another movie where you might hear "Ashtray! You little bitch ass motherfucker! Come over here and give your grandma a hug!"
On EWs List? NO

96. Life is Beautiful (1997)
There are alot of movies about Dubya-Dubya-T'yoo, but this one is one of my favourites. I love the positivity and the love and the hope through the whole 4-million hours (it's a little on the long side) contrasted with that last scene.
On EWs List? NO

97. Thelma and Louise (1991)
I did a presentaiton on Thelma and Louise in Grade 13 Film Class, and I am almost sure the class slept through it (there wasn't enough 'splosions to hold their interest) but this movie is pretty effing great. I would have put it higher on the list, but it got edged out by another two-ladies-on-a-killing-and-illegal-shit-spree movie that just happens to be WAY BETTER. But this one is great - especially when they get robbed. It looks like Susan Sarandon is gonna lose her shit all over Geena Davis.
On EWs List? YES

98. Elephant (2003)
Oh, Gus Van Sant, thank you for such a fucked-up movie. More than just being fucked up, it is really devastating at the end. It's such a punch in the face because the whole time you are like "someone's gonna stop them, right? Right?"
On EWs List? NO

99. Finding Nemo (2003)
If I owned PIXAR, I would have a massive Scrooge McDuck swimming pool full of coins. And I would fill it full of clownfish! What? They would die? Oh geeze, scratch that idea. I shouldn't have to explain why Finding Nemo is on here (unless you are an Amish kid who just left the compound and you just discovered what the 'internet' is. In which case, I am so so sorry that The Skip-Raid is the first site you found).
On EWs List? NO

100. Pootie Tang (2001)
It has a 4.3 rating on IMDB. 27% Rotten Rating on Rotten Tomatoes. A 31/100 from Metacritic. And yet, if you said Baby, I'm going to sine your pitty on the runny kine in a crowded room, you would get a unanimous response of Sa Da Tay! Pootie Tang has a massive cult following, but usually just by funny-smart people. You don't get too many Frats who are into Pootie Tang (good! it's ours, assholes!) Also, it is scientifically proven that the best way to determine if someone is going to be a great wife/husband is if they refer to kids as Tippie-Ties.
On EWs List? NO

6.27.2008

Exciting News on Tuesday!!!

Hello fellows and jellos! On Tuesday I have a very exciting event that I will be launching for the summer, and I think you might like it. Anyways, it is going to involve a lot of work on my part, so let's see if my jagoff ass can't get my act together.

Have a good weekend!
- TM

6.23.2008

Motherfucker!

This is not a good way to start a week. I can already see my dealer's face after I have called him for the 30th time asking for more Quaaludes. Ludes! I need 'em.

Anyways, on to the issue at hand. George Carlin, brilliant comedian to most, Mr. Conductor to some, passed away yesterday. I know! What the hell?!? I love George Carlin for a million reasons, but I guess the main one is that he is sort of a foul-mouthed pioneer. Which is good, cause without him, The Skip-Raid would be but darns and shoots. So today, let us raise our glasses (filled with what they may...mine is filled with icy-cold Sprite and Windex) to George Carlin, who is probably doing lines in Heaven with Richard Prior. What! They are, you know it!

6.19.2008

God made all of us in his image?

Really? In that case...hello, Satan? I would like to sell my soul to you now. That's right, immediately. If God looks anything like that, then there is no reason for me to spend eternity in Heaven. I have too weak a stomach. Plus, I would think that I would want my vision in the afterlife...what am I saying? I want my vision now! If I keep staring at this picture of Fergie, I will claw my eyes out. Then I will step on my eyes in case they can still see even after I have ripped them from my skull. When I was a kid, I thought it might be great if you could take off your head and put it in your lap to make hair brushing easier, so I can't see why eyeballs retaining vision long after they have been pulled from ther sockets is such a far-fetched idea.

By the by, what is going on with Fergie in this picture? I am serious; there is nothing not frightening about this image. Again, when I was but The Little Mayor (so like...The Superintendant?) I would be in the bathroom with the lights off and I thought that if I even visualized the name Candyman, then he would pop out from behind the shower curtain and kill me. How? I dunno. With candy? I should rent the DVD. Anyways, from now on I will be in the shower daring myself to turn off the lights, step in front of the mirror and go Fergie, Fergie, Fergie. I won't do it though, cause I shit my pants when I am scared and do not clean up poo. In other Fergie news, all you die-hard Wild Orchid fans will have to put down your meth for a second, cause I'm about to tell you some big news. 20th Centruy Masters, purveyors of best of collections from Artists you forgot about, are releasing the Best of Wild Orchid. Yeah, I know; they had enough hits to warrant a best of? Jesus, what won't 20th Century Masters release? Anytime now I will be browsing the music section of Wal-Mart (I think that's the only store lame enough to sell those shit CDs) and will have to face the dilemma of choosing between The Best of Wild Orchid, The Best of K-Ci & Jojo, and The Best of Klymaxx. Shit! I used to cry whenever I heard Crazy. I got asked out after Save the Last Dance once. Holy shit, LAME!!!! Save the Last Dance is such a piece of garbage, and I cringe just thinking about it. But you can't blame me - I think I was going through a bit of an urban phase; it started with a Snoop Dogg Clothing shirt and ended with...NOTHING! I'm still hood as hell! Yeah right; I make my mom look like Malcolm X. Hey, you saw the picture! She's thuglife.

6.16.2008

Too Soon: 5 people who did not deserve their gristly deaths.

Sometimes God calls his angels home and no one is surprised (Hendrix, Belushi), and sometimes there are people walking around that you wish would be called home (Child molesters, Paris Hilton). Then you get people who are murdered and die really terrible deaths and, without having ever met them, you actually feel awful. Today I am going to go through 5, with the last being so terrible and horrific, I suggest you don't read this after eating. Oh, who am I kidding? Read on!

Dimebag Darrell
Is great because...he created Pantera and Damageplan and is a founding father of Metal.
He died when...he was shot point-blank during a Damageplan concert by a US Marine (good one, Uncle Sam). Dimebag wasn't just some stink-ass Metalhead. He was actually a gentle soul. Plus, who the fuck goes to a concert and shoots someone point-blank, and then shoots a bunch of other people too? Well, aside from someone forced to go to an Ashlee Simpson concert.

Marvin Gaye
Is great because...the man gave us Sexual Healing, for chrissakes!
He died when...his dad shot him. Asshole!!
Sure, Gaye had his problems; booze, pills, drugs, booze-flavoured pills, coke-flavoured booze. But after an argument with his father over business documents, his dad whipped out a pistol and shut him up permanently. Why, jesus, why? Didn't his dad know that money is more important that jail?!?

Selena
Is great because...no one knew who Jennifer Lopez was when she was still alive.
She died when...her fanclub president shot her after Selena discovered she was stealing money off Selena merchandise.
But really, if Selena had not been killed, Jennifer Lopez would be but a hazy In Living Colour memory. Also, Fox-29 would be forced to add another crappy 90's movie to their Saturday afternoon repetoire.

Phil Hartman
Is great because...News Radio, SNL, Lionel Hutz, Troy McClure...the man was more than a genius.
He died when...his stupid wife shot him.
I'm going to say it: homegirl was a CUNT. She took away one of the funniest people alive because she was jealous of his success. Was she really living in his shadow? Did her cure for AIDS go unnoticed after he voiced Lyle Lanley? At least she had the common sense to shoot herself too; I can only imagine how long it would take before an angry mob of Simpsons fans decended upon her.

Judith Barsi
Is great because...she was the voice of Annmarie in All Dogs go to Heaven and Ducky in The Land Before Time. Yup yup yup!
She died when...her father murdered her at the age of 10.
This is seriously sad. Judith Barsi and her mother and father emigrated to the US from Hungary, where she was spotted by an Hollywood agent and the offers for work started pouring in. Unfortunately, her unemployed alcoholic father decided to be her manager, and we all know where this is going. He spent all her money and they were penniless all the time, even after her $100,000 paycheque for Land Before Time. Her mother set up an apartment as a safehouse from crazy Dad, but it was no use; he broke in and shot both of them dead. The he shot himself (because really, kid-killers are not much higher than Grandma rapers and child-touchers in Prison).

Anyways, sorry to be a downer, but sometimes we need to remember that people are dickweeds and that hate fucks you up. Keep positive and brush asshole behavior off, k? Life is too short to be an a-hole.

6.13.2008

Have you guys not been listening to a word I have said?!?

You know what? I'm not mad. I'm just dissapointed. I give and give and give, and all I asked is that someone run down Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer with their car. And did any of you do it?

No. You didn't. And now we have Disaster Movie. I hope you are all happy with yourselves. I am so angry that this movie is being made. We are seriously two screenplays away from Torture-Porn Movie, Weepy Mom-Has-Cancer Movie, and I Can Haz Movie?!?!1?

Why, for the love of god, do people go and see these movies? I've said it before, and I'll say it again - there is a reason the rest of the FUCKING WORLD hates North America. Ugh, I am so pissed. This week has been just one assclown after the next.

6.12.2008

Perez Hilton: 14 minutes, 58 seconds

Last week, Perez Hilton (who I normally wouldn't give two shits about, unless it was to make fun of him. So, here we are) was gearing up to launch the shitshow of the year; the Perez Hilton clothing line for Hot Topic (the purveyors of all things fashionable). Anyways, Monday came and went, and there was a surprising lack of mention on his blog about it. Hmmm..I wonder why? Let's ask a Hot Topic employee, shall we?

"ONLY 7 people showed up.SEVEN.That’s it.Mario was BEYOND upset texting and DEMENDING the right water,food,ETC he was a rude royal pain in the ass and BEYOND crass... My manager was trying to get people to come in to meet Perez by handing out $5 gift cards NO ONE WANTED TO MEET HIM! ...he left around 8:45PM without saying goodbye to anyone & looked like he had been crying like the little bitch he is. We sold a grand total of $6.45 of Perez Hilton items between 6PM - 9PM. My manager has already talked about discounting his ‘line’ !”

AHAHAHAHA!!! You stupid loser! Perez Hilton is such a vain, pathetic person, so I feel absolutely no guilt or remorse when I laugh at his stupid ass. He is in Toronto this weekend, and I would love to run into this assclown. With a car. Or a giant vat of hot french fry grease. But knowing my luck, it probably wouldn't affect him. I imagine he is like the monster from The Thing. That movie is freaky!!

6.05.2008

Things I learned from waiting in line with my Mother to see Rosie O'Donnel

1. Rosie O'Donnel is not as fat as Donald Trump says. She is an average sized Mom of 4. I imagined she would look a little something like Jabba the Hut.
2. Rosie O'Donnel is actually very pretty in real life and she smiles a lot.
3. The lineup had a shitload of people (my Mom was waiting 3 hours) and no one was throwing any punches
4. Rosie thought my Mom looked like Streisand
5. Rosie gave chocolates to everyone who waited in line. See, only an awesome person would do this. You think Paris Hilton would give away chocolate?

6.04.2008

Grandma & the 3 whores

I think this may be my favourite picture of Sex and the Shitty's Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and The Other One. And just like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, I will need a shitload of peyote to make it through all 2 and a half hours of this shitshow.

But really, did any of you see this crapshow this weekend? I have it on good authority that 3 of my friends did. They are no longer my friends. Tainted! Tainted I say! Why spend your hard earned $4 on that, when you could have spent it on a million other things. Given the choice between seeing Sex and the City, and having sex with an HIV+ homeless drifter, I would go with the drifter. ONLY if he was wearing a rubber - unprotected sex isn't cool, kids. Stay in school; cover yo dick. This is a fun game! Fill in the blank:

Given the choice between seeing Sex and the City and ______, I would choose ______ because______.

Photo courtesy Best Week Ever.