6.30.2008

Fuck You, Entertainment Weekly: The Top 100 List for the Rest of Us.

I picked up an Entertainment Weekly last week, which I normally never do. It's usually pretty bland, but this week's issue was the Top 100 TV Shows, Movies, Books, Theatre, Albums, Shit-Stained Underwear of the past 25 years. Aka The New Classics. Here is a breakdown of my feelings:

Albums...don't give a shit, music is too subjective
Theatre, Books...theatre is the lowest form of entertainment, as as you all know I can't read
TV...I agreed with most of it, except for shit like Grey's Anatomy and ER and Ally McBeal. But, what can you do?
Movies...Titanic? The Matrix?!? SPEED?!?!?

Who the fuck wrote this list? Me in Grade 7? Sweet Jesus. So anyways, I decided to issue a throwdown and create my own list. Feel free to read their list, then you can compare mine, which will be done in 10-movie intervals. That's right - you get 10 at a time. No reading ahead!! Shall we start with our first 10? Less do dis!!

91. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
Look, I know that Mike Myers has jumped the shark, fed the shark, shit on the shark, and with the addition of The Love Guru to his repetoire, fucked the shark in the ass, but back in 1997 he was still pretty damn funny with his frozen-60s-spy-cum-unfrozen-90s-spy schtick. Well, Untill The Spy Who Shagged Me, anyways. Also, which came first? Swedish Penis Enlarger Pump jokes, or the Penis Enlarger Pump emails that fill The Skip-Raid's inbox every morning?
On EWs List? YES

92. About Schmidt (2002)
This is such a sweet movie, and yet people always go "what? The movie where Jack Nicholson is old and he makes a bucket list?" No, that would be another movie where Jack Nicholson plays a character the same age as himself. But there is nothing not to love about About Schmidt; it is very funny (Kathy Bates), and very touching (Ndugu), and very hot (Dermot Mulroney with a ponytail).
On EWs List? NO

93. Bad Santa (2003)
Remember back in 2003 when Bad Santa came out? And everyone dismissed it as a pure pile of shit? And no one saw it? Then it came out on DVD and everyone was like "holy shit, we were wrong"? And then we all realized that Bad Santa is painfully underrated? Of course you do.
On EWs List? NO

94. Devil’s Playground (2002)
Allow me to preface this my saying that a) it is a documentary and b) it is a documentary about Amish kids. It's about the magical time in a young Amlette's life when they turn 16 and their parents turn them wild into the real world (aka the Devil's Playground) and they do a shitload of drugs, steal, get their piipii sucked/suck a crapload of piipiis, then have to make the painful decision whether to return to Amish life or stay in the real world.
On EWs List? NO

95. Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood (1996)
Welcome to The Wayan's Brother's first movie parody, and as you can tell by the title, it spoofs gang movies like Boyz N the Hood, Juice, Menace II Society, etc etc. and ho-lee shit, this is stupid-funny at its best. Name another movie where you might hear "Ashtray! You little bitch ass motherfucker! Come over here and give your grandma a hug!"
On EWs List? NO

96. Life is Beautiful (1997)
There are alot of movies about Dubya-Dubya-T'yoo, but this one is one of my favourites. I love the positivity and the love and the hope through the whole 4-million hours (it's a little on the long side) contrasted with that last scene.
On EWs List? NO

97. Thelma and Louise (1991)
I did a presentaiton on Thelma and Louise in Grade 13 Film Class, and I am almost sure the class slept through it (there wasn't enough 'splosions to hold their interest) but this movie is pretty effing great. I would have put it higher on the list, but it got edged out by another two-ladies-on-a-killing-and-illegal-shit-spree movie that just happens to be WAY BETTER. But this one is great - especially when they get robbed. It looks like Susan Sarandon is gonna lose her shit all over Geena Davis.
On EWs List? YES

98. Elephant (2003)
Oh, Gus Van Sant, thank you for such a fucked-up movie. More than just being fucked up, it is really devastating at the end. It's such a punch in the face because the whole time you are like "someone's gonna stop them, right? Right?"
On EWs List? NO

99. Finding Nemo (2003)
If I owned PIXAR, I would have a massive Scrooge McDuck swimming pool full of coins. And I would fill it full of clownfish! What? They would die? Oh geeze, scratch that idea. I shouldn't have to explain why Finding Nemo is on here (unless you are an Amish kid who just left the compound and you just discovered what the 'internet' is. In which case, I am so so sorry that The Skip-Raid is the first site you found).
On EWs List? NO

100. Pootie Tang (2001)
It has a 4.3 rating on IMDB. 27% Rotten Rating on Rotten Tomatoes. A 31/100 from Metacritic. And yet, if you said Baby, I'm going to sine your pitty on the runny kine in a crowded room, you would get a unanimous response of Sa Da Tay! Pootie Tang has a massive cult following, but usually just by funny-smart people. You don't get too many Frats who are into Pootie Tang (good! it's ours, assholes!) Also, it is scientifically proven that the best way to determine if someone is going to be a great wife/husband is if they refer to kids as Tippie-Ties.
On EWs List? NO

5 comments:

deadeye-davi / uncle jesse said...

GIRL! POOTIE TANG! Biggie Shortie is my personal hero and role model.

Great feature by the way, if you like Finding Nemo you best take yo stankin' ass to the theater and see Wall-E. It made me cry twice, once was sad crying and the other was happy crying. If I didn't have nuts I would've sworn that I was on my period. My point is that the movie is good and you need to go see it two times.

The Mayor said...

Trust - WALL-E makes an appearance on this list. Ya heard me - it's better than Finding Nemo!

I try to model my life on Biggie Shortie's . "Just cause a girl is dressed up, and is dancing on the corner, it don't make her a hooker"

Natalie said...

Oooooooo, that Thelma and Louise presentation was a classic. I do believe we video taped you "holding up" the Manolas' store with a blow dryer...

......Was there any actual educational value in what we did in that presentation?

The Mayor said...

I also believe we made Paper Dolls. Go feminism!

The Mayor said...
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