6.19.2008

God made all of us in his image?

Really? In that case...hello, Satan? I would like to sell my soul to you now. That's right, immediately. If God looks anything like that, then there is no reason for me to spend eternity in Heaven. I have too weak a stomach. Plus, I would think that I would want my vision in the afterlife...what am I saying? I want my vision now! If I keep staring at this picture of Fergie, I will claw my eyes out. Then I will step on my eyes in case they can still see even after I have ripped them from my skull. When I was a kid, I thought it might be great if you could take off your head and put it in your lap to make hair brushing easier, so I can't see why eyeballs retaining vision long after they have been pulled from ther sockets is such a far-fetched idea.

By the by, what is going on with Fergie in this picture? I am serious; there is nothing not frightening about this image. Again, when I was but The Little Mayor (so like...The Superintendant?) I would be in the bathroom with the lights off and I thought that if I even visualized the name Candyman, then he would pop out from behind the shower curtain and kill me. How? I dunno. With candy? I should rent the DVD. Anyways, from now on I will be in the shower daring myself to turn off the lights, step in front of the mirror and go Fergie, Fergie, Fergie. I won't do it though, cause I shit my pants when I am scared and do not clean up poo. In other Fergie news, all you die-hard Wild Orchid fans will have to put down your meth for a second, cause I'm about to tell you some big news. 20th Centruy Masters, purveyors of best of collections from Artists you forgot about, are releasing the Best of Wild Orchid. Yeah, I know; they had enough hits to warrant a best of? Jesus, what won't 20th Century Masters release? Anytime now I will be browsing the music section of Wal-Mart (I think that's the only store lame enough to sell those shit CDs) and will have to face the dilemma of choosing between The Best of Wild Orchid, The Best of K-Ci & Jojo, and The Best of Klymaxx. Shit! I used to cry whenever I heard Crazy. I got asked out after Save the Last Dance once. Holy shit, LAME!!!! Save the Last Dance is such a piece of garbage, and I cringe just thinking about it. But you can't blame me - I think I was going through a bit of an urban phase; it started with a Snoop Dogg Clothing shirt and ended with...NOTHING! I'm still hood as hell! Yeah right; I make my mom look like Malcolm X. Hey, you saw the picture! She's thuglife.

3 comments:

Jack Gordon said...

Who the hell was Wild Orchid?

deadeye-davi / uncle jesse said...

I really thought that picture was of Kirstie Alley. How funk-nasty is that Fergie-Ferg? Speaking of Ferg, why no Ferguson from Clarissa Explains It All on Dirty Gingers?

deadeye-davi / uncle jesse said...

Oh my fucking god! I just looked up the dude who played Ferguson on IMDb, and he and I share July 27th as our birthdays! This makes me famous, right? Happy Fergday to me, happy Fergday to me...