6.16.2008

Too Soon: 5 people who did not deserve their gristly deaths.

Sometimes God calls his angels home and no one is surprised (Hendrix, Belushi), and sometimes there are people walking around that you wish would be called home (Child molesters, Paris Hilton). Then you get people who are murdered and die really terrible deaths and, without having ever met them, you actually feel awful. Today I am going to go through 5, with the last being so terrible and horrific, I suggest you don't read this after eating. Oh, who am I kidding? Read on!

Dimebag Darrell
Is great because...he created Pantera and Damageplan and is a founding father of Metal.
He died when...he was shot point-blank during a Damageplan concert by a US Marine (good one, Uncle Sam). Dimebag wasn't just some stink-ass Metalhead. He was actually a gentle soul. Plus, who the fuck goes to a concert and shoots someone point-blank, and then shoots a bunch of other people too? Well, aside from someone forced to go to an Ashlee Simpson concert.

Marvin Gaye
Is great because...the man gave us Sexual Healing, for chrissakes!
He died when...his dad shot him. Asshole!!
Sure, Gaye had his problems; booze, pills, drugs, booze-flavoured pills, coke-flavoured booze. But after an argument with his father over business documents, his dad whipped out a pistol and shut him up permanently. Why, jesus, why? Didn't his dad know that money is more important that jail?!?

Selena
Is great because...no one knew who Jennifer Lopez was when she was still alive.
She died when...her fanclub president shot her after Selena discovered she was stealing money off Selena merchandise.
But really, if Selena had not been killed, Jennifer Lopez would be but a hazy In Living Colour memory. Also, Fox-29 would be forced to add another crappy 90's movie to their Saturday afternoon repetoire.

Phil Hartman
Is great because...News Radio, SNL, Lionel Hutz, Troy McClure...the man was more than a genius.
He died when...his stupid wife shot him.
I'm going to say it: homegirl was a CUNT. She took away one of the funniest people alive because she was jealous of his success. Was she really living in his shadow? Did her cure for AIDS go unnoticed after he voiced Lyle Lanley? At least she had the common sense to shoot herself too; I can only imagine how long it would take before an angry mob of Simpsons fans decended upon her.

Judith Barsi
Is great because...she was the voice of Annmarie in All Dogs go to Heaven and Ducky in The Land Before Time. Yup yup yup!
She died when...her father murdered her at the age of 10.
This is seriously sad. Judith Barsi and her mother and father emigrated to the US from Hungary, where she was spotted by an Hollywood agent and the offers for work started pouring in. Unfortunately, her unemployed alcoholic father decided to be her manager, and we all know where this is going. He spent all her money and they were penniless all the time, even after her $100,000 paycheque for Land Before Time. Her mother set up an apartment as a safehouse from crazy Dad, but it was no use; he broke in and shot both of them dead. The he shot himself (because really, kid-killers are not much higher than Grandma rapers and child-touchers in Prison).

Anyways, sorry to be a downer, but sometimes we need to remember that people are dickweeds and that hate fucks you up. Keep positive and brush asshole behavior off, k? Life is too short to be an a-hole.

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