7.30.2008

Space Docking

First off, if you are my Mom and you are reading this, I'm going to politely ask you to read ahead or watch The View or something, because I know this is going to gross you out. You are already 52% disappointed in me, and this article isn't going to do anything to lower that number.

Okay, so now that I have prepared my Mom for the worst (I cannot thank God enough for birthing me to a very forgiving Mother) I need to move on to one big What's Crappening? As you may or may not know from previous posts (in like, June) I have been living in Montreal for a month. I have loved every minute of it, eaten a metric tonne of Poutine (I wish I could say that was a joke, but it's really not. I definitely have a dumpy horse-butt now) and have made a bunch of new friends. And with new friends comes a whole new set of jokes to rip-off! I am kidding, of course; what are the odds that I would stumble upon a new set of depraved dick-joke enthusiasts like myself? One such new term I have learned is Space Docking. Look, when it comes to Urban Dictionary stuff, I am usually a tard; not too long ago I had to look up what a scrotum was in a dictionary (but that's a story for another time, kids). Anyways, do you know what space docking is?

- if your answer is YES...then you are a sick fuck and should ask for a stocking full of therapy money for Christmas.

- if your answer is NO...then put on The View for your Mom, cause I'm gonna tell you!

Okay, how can I explain this without making myself feel gross? I'll use little kid terms (that always makes it seem less creepy). The boy takes a dookie and puts the dookie in the freezer. Then he takes the fudgesicle and gives it to a girl's ping-ping. Then they make babies. Do you understand? Space docking is a poop-in-a-vadge, if I ain't being too subtle. So I started making up a few of my own. This shit is gross, so no emails about how lewd I am and that 'kids read the site'. If you are letting your kid read The Skip-Raid, then lady - you have problems.

The Lunar Lander

Like Space Docking, a lunar lander is when the poop makes a detour into Uranus.

Rubbers and Zima

When you go to a 13-year olds house and Chris Hansen is waiting for you with the NBC Dateline crew.

Can of Spring Snakes
When you are making out with a guy and you barf into his mouth.

Making Ice Tea
When you let someone get the runs on you.

Shrimp and White Wine
Not bringing condoms ('cause you ain't gonna use 'em)

Shoplifter! Shoplifter!

Hiring a hooker and running out on the bill. Also known as the Skeet n' Run.

Uncle Joey

Having sex with a creepy 40-year-old out-of-work puppeteer who lives in his friend's basement and speaks in Popeye quotes.

Increasingly Low Standards
Having sex with someone who wears Crocs.

Cell Block D
When your roommate is fucking you one minute, and trading your ass for Kools the next.

Long John Silver
When you have sex with that one-legged homeless guy from the park. You know the one - always wears an eye patch? Pretends the bench is a dinghy? I don't think he's homeless, just really confused.

Manitoba Honeymoon
When you have sex with an empty bottle of mouthwash.

The See You at the Maury Taping.
When you hear that a girl you slept with a year ago now has a kid.

C-3PO and R2D2
Gay sex with a little person.

I know you can think of more! Leave your suggestions in the comments section!

Fuck You, Entertainment Weekly: The Top 100 List for the Rest of Us - The Top 10 Comedies

1. The Big Lebowski (1998)
The Big Lebowski is such a great equalizer; you either love it or you hate it, and if you hate it then I don’t know you because we aren’t friends. You know how this movie stands the test of time? It didn’t have a stupid T-Shit (Vote for Pedro – a shirt which automatically tells someone I’m a Tard) or a bevy of catch-phrases (Borat, anyone? Or “You my boy, blue!” – again, unfunny) and yet, take a look at College Humor during the month of November and count how many Walter Sobchak costumes you see. My only regret is that I am a girl, and cannot dress up as The Dude for Halloween.
Shit! I just got a fantastic costume idea! Julianne Moore during the bowling-dream-sequence. Done and done. Also, Bridges is cool and everything, but you know who the real dude is? John Turturro. He's the fucking king.


2. Ghost World (2001)
Is there any movie that is as immensely funny and, at the same time, as horrifically heartbreaking as Ghost World? I really wish the ending wasn’t so sad (obvies the bus is a metaphor for suicide), and I also wish Rebecca hadn’t blown off David Cross at Seymour’s party. It’s David Fucking Cross, Scarlet! Do you know what I would do to spend 7 minutes with him? Anyways, RIP Brad Renfro – it seemed like when he died this year, everyone was just like “Who? Oh yeah” but I was like “What! Josh is dead?!?”
Also, there’s Doug, who is actually very similar to my Uncle.


3. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
I know I have mentioned in the past about my penchant for watching Holiday movies in the Summer, which may mean I have some sort of weird summer-sadness problem or something. But can we please excuse Christmas Vacation from the list of “Weird anytime but Christmas” movies, please? I can’t stand me some Chevy Chase (so overrated, and no Bill Murray I might add) but I could watch this movie 900 times. Actually, I am thinking I am getting pretty close – probably in the 700 range (for serious – I usually watch it 30 times over the holidays).


4. Harold and Kumar go to White Castle (2004)
If Neil Patrick Harris wasn’t such a Homer Sexual, I would become an escort so that I could get hired by NPH. The night would involve Taco Bell and qualuudes and I would wake up in the morning pregnant. NPH would be nowhere to be seen, and I would feel as though I had just seen the face of God.
Wow, I need to stop drinking mouthwash before I write these things.


5. FUBAR (2002)
Anyone with family from up north knows that FUBAR is so close to the truth, it is essentially a documentary. I have relatives that are exactly like Terry and Deaner. I also have a friend who speaks in such a FUBAR dialect that you think he is making fun of them, but he’s not. He’s just from up north. PS – America, this is such an honest portrayal of Canada, I suggest you stop thinking Canadians live in igloos and eat seals and start thinking they all wear cut-off jerseys and zubas.
“To my right nut…see ya later, fella!”


6. Wet Hot American Summer (2001)
I can’t believe there are still people who haven’t seen WHAS’ it’s baffling. I love that it is essentially The State in film version, but with Christopher Meloni as Gene, I don’t see why people aren’t pulling out their own ovaries in exchange for WHAS dvds.


7. Super Troopers (2001)
I know that Super Troopers is a bit of a dumb-jock movie, and guess what? I don’t care. Sometimes it’s okay to like shit like this. And when I say ‘shit like this’, I of course mean ‘comedy gold’ like this.


8. Dumb and Dumber (1994)
I remember when I saw the trailer for D&D, and my mom was like “I don’t like movies that make fun of challenged people” and I chimed in “me too – that movie won’t be funny at all. Why would anyone want to see that?” but inside the whole time I was like ‘I can’t wait to see that I can’t wait to see that I can’t wait to see that’


9. The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)
How cute is Steve Carell?


10. Tommy Boy (1995)
I know I have touched on this before, but for the love of everything holy Jesus, why did you have to take Chris Farley away from us?!?

7.28.2008

Fuck You, Entertainment Weekly: The Top 100 List for the Rest of Us - Top 10 Dramas

First, allow me to say that it was super hard narrowing this list down, and even harder comparing comedies to dramas. You can't do it; how do you choose which is better between Silence of the Lambs and The 40 Year Old Virgin? So, here are the top 10 dramas. I've saved comedies for last, for obvious reasons.

1. GoodFellas (1990)
I was about 7 when GoodFellas came out (I really should have lied about my age, and now you know I am 24, but it would make the following story completely unbelievable if it happened when I was 3 or something, so here we are). I always wanted to watch what my parents watched, and usually I was allowed, since I had a pretty sophisticated sense of humor for a 7-year-old, and enjoyed movies beyond my years (I watched Silence of the Lambs at 9, and I wouldn’t say it fucked me up). With that being said, my Mom and Dad pulled a smart move and told me to slag off when I asked to watch GoodFellas with them.

They were watching it up at our cottage, which had a double-staircase. The one set entered into the living room (where they were watching the movie) and on the landing there was a folding door that closed off the staircase. Whenever they watched movies, I used to sneak down and sit on the landing behind the folding door and listen. This came to an abrupt end after they were watching Chucky, and I snuck a peep through the door (I didn’t sleep for weeks). So I stayed up listening (not watching) GoodFellas, assuming that it was a comedy about a bunch of old friends from New York, set to a kicky Rolling Stones soundtrack. A sort-of New Jersey Caddyshack. Anyways, the point I am getting at is this:

I used to stay with my Aunt and Uncle (who at that time had no Grandchildren) quite a lot, and they were going to go to the video store to rent a movie for me, and one for themselves. They asked me if GoodFellas was a good movie to rent, and I was like “yeah! Oh my god, that movie is so funny! You should watch it!”
I can only assume the look of horror when my 60-year old Aunt and Uncle were watching one of the many ‘whacking’ scenes and judging my parents for allowing a 7-year-old to watch an NC-17 film about drug-addicted Mafioso.

The moral of the story is: GoodFellas kicks so much ass, am I right?
On EWs List? YES

2. Blue Velvet (1986)
Watching Blue Velvet makes me realize how boring my life really is. It also makes me realize I would totally do Kyle McLaughlan.
On EWs List? YES

3. A History of Violence (2005)
My friend Zach used to always to an impression of Ed Harris and he would just go “Joey” over and over again. Also, we watched the movie in class at school. Have you ever watched a movie with two people 69-ing very close to your old man teacher? No? Well, add that to the list of things that are most likely the cause of me being so fucked up now.
On EWs List? NO

4. Welcome to the Dollhouse (1995)
I am serious when I say that I never could relate to movies like She’s All That or 10 Things I Hate About You. I wasn’t popular at all, and was painfully awkward. I was very tall and skinny and wore my mom’s clothes from the 80s (but not cool stuff; I’m talking culottes and button up RL polos and stuff). My first kiss was in a school play (so essentially, a boy kissed me only so he wouldn’t get a failing grade) and I stayed in every Friday night watching Making the Band. I owe my life to Todd Solondz. He made a movie of a girl who was an actual nerd who actually didn’t have cool friends. Welcome to the Dollhouse is so fantastic; I wish I could make every awkward 14 year old girl watch it and then tell them that life gets so much better.
On EWs List? NO

5. Magnolia (1999)
Oooooh! Has anyone seen Magnolia and doesn’t like it? Plus Aimee Mann and John C Reilly? I don’t even hate Tom Cruise in Magnolia. I’ll even go so far as to say I tolerate him. But for real, PT Anderson is an amazing storyteller, AND he is married to Maya Rudolph, so he has a good sense of humor.
On EWs List? YES

6. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
But really; is it weird for a brother and his adopted sister to have sex?
On EWs List? NO

7. Fargo (1996)
Oh my god, how much is William H Macy like Gil from The Simpsons??
On EWs List? NO

8. Brazil (1985)
So. Effing. Amazing. If you haven't seen Brazil, get to your local video store and rent it post-haste. You need to watch it, but not high! I can't stress that enough! Do NOT watch Brazil high or on shrooms or after smoking rocks or while smelling glue or after drinking a bottle of mouthwash. Just don't.
On EWs List? NO

9. Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Holy crap, this movie scares me everytime. The worst part is it is so scary and horrific but it is 100% plausible. This kind of Buffalo Bill shit happens all the time, with the pits of lotion-rubbing and dog-threatening and mangina dancing. Ew! The mangina scene haunts my nightmares!
On EWs List? YES

10. No Country for Old Men (2007)
Obviously the Cohen brothers can do no wrong (well…maybe The Ladykillers) but on the whole they are just terrific. Also, this was the movie that started my love affair with Javier Bardem. I would let Anton Chigur air-gun me anytime (what the hell does that mean?)
On EWs List? YES

7.23.2008

Fuck You, Entertainment Weekly: The Top 100 List for the Rest of Us - 21-30

21. Boogie Nights (1997)
I want to make sure Paul Thomas Anderson isn’t smoking rocks or engaging in any reckless gator-rasslin’ or something, because he needs to stay alive long enough to make another ensemble-cast film with the PT Anderson Dirty Dozen (as I like to call them; but then again, I am a big-time loser):
Julianne Moore
John C Reilly
Luis Guzman
Don Cheadle
William H Macy
Philip Seymour Hoffman
And…uh…the rest (?)
But really, who out of that list wouldn’t you bang? Maybe Philip Seymour Hoffman, but only cause I have an aggressive fear of being crushed to death.
On EWs List? YES

22. Pulp Fiction (1994)
Again, a typical choice, but typical for a reason. It’s a good film. Lots of F words, lots of cheeseburgers, lots of snorting heroin (MY WORST FEAR – and I don’t do coke. I am just so scared someone will go “here, snort this” and then go “psyche! It’s was Black Tar Heroin! See you in the ER!!”)
On EWs List? YES

23. There Will Be Blood (2007)
I saw this movie SOLELY for the Milkshake reference (100% serious). So many times a character would grab a glass and I would be on the edge of my seat going “maybe this is where they will have a milkshake!!!”
On EWs List? YES

24. Ed Wood (1994)
Yass! Oooh! I love Ed Wood! I love Johnny Depp and every character in this film! I love Plan 9 from Outer Space! I love black and white films! But mostly I love that this movie is just fantastic. I wish we could go back to the days of cute Johnny Depp, long before he sold his soul to Disney and those stupid fucking pirate movies (I SAID IT).
On EWs List? YES

25. C.R.A.Z.Y (2005)
There is a pretty good chance that you haven’t seen this movie. I say this because 99% of my readers are in Amuurrica (fuck yeah) and this is a Canadian movie. Wait…let me rephrase that: it is a French Canadian movie. Yeah, so right away 99% of Canadians haven’t seen it either. But it is so good. It is about a Quebecois family in the 70s with 5 boys, and one of them is a Homer Sexual. The one brother is a big-time fuck up, but the dad still likes him better cause he is into snatch instead of sausage (was that crude?)
But gay themes aside, this movie is very well acted, has an all-Bowie soundtrack, and you can definitely follow the subtitles. If you can’t follow subtitles, then you are a moron and I will let you get back to watching Family Guy re-runs.
On EWs List? NO

26. Amelie (2001)
I like to follow people home too, but it is not cute and very scary for the person being followed. And that’s the story about how I meet with my parole officer once a week.
On EWs List? NO

27. Fatal Attraction (1987)
Oh my god, this is on FOX-29 every Sunday afternoon! Me and my mom used to watch this all the time. I would be in my room reading, and she would call up and go “Fatal Attraction is on, and they haven’t gotten to the rabbit part yet!” and I would run down and my mom and I would bond for the nest 90 minutes. I learned a lot from that movie.
Again, reasons why I meet with my parole officer once a week…
On EWs List? YES

28. KIDS (1995)
Let’s sum up KIDS, shall we?
HIV HIV sex New York Stealing Money STDs Weed HIV
On EWs List? NO

29. Eagle VS Shark (2007)
I cried so hard at how cute this movie was.
On EWs List? NO

30. Mars Attacks! (1996)
I love Lukas Haas.
On EWs List? NO

7.22.2008

Fuck You, Entertainment Weekly: The Top 100 List for the Rest of Us - 31-40

31. Gummo (1997)
Whenever someone asks me to describe Gummo, I am apt to call it redneck-Kids. I guess it sort-of is, eh? Anyways, I don’t know why I like this film so much, but it is really something. Very creepy, but very funny. Also my personal hero, Chloe Sevigny, is in it.
On EWs List? NO

32. Clueless (1995)
People who don’t like Clueless are bizarre. With that being said, I met a bunch of new people last week, and when they left, I said “Nice to meet you, hope it’s not sporadically!” which is the easiest way to let people know ‘I’m good people’.
On EWs List? YES

33. Donnie Darko (2001)
Ugh, I hate that this makes me sound like a total perv, but my favourite scene is when Donnie’s little sister does the dance to Notorious in slow motion. I AM NOT A CREEP! It’s just really cool. I wish I did a dance routine to Notorious, but mine were more upbeat and lame. We did the Pointer Sisters (Jump!) and Ghostbusters, which was sort-of cool, but we were in ballet clothes and not dressed like ghosts, so it ruined it. Also, I couldn’t help but think “Peter Venkman would never dance like this”.
On EWs List? NO

34. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
I don’t need to explain why this film is on the list, although I did have quite a time deciding which was more deserving on this list: Eternal Sunshine or Being John Malkovitch. Ultimate showdown! Spike Jonze vs. Michel Gondry! Two men enter, one man leaves. Who run Bartertown? Master Blaster run Bartertown!
Wait, what was I talking about?
On EWs List? YES

35. Edward Scissorhands (1990)
When did Anthony Michael Hall get so hot?
On EWs List? YES

36. Grizzly Man (2005)
This movie is a great combination of ‘tragic’ and ‘come on dude, they are bears. You’re asking for it’.
On EWs List? NO

37. Groundhog Day (1993)
When I was 10, I wished that I would wake up one morning and get to repeat the day before because I was 10 and totally hated life. I mean, The sad thing is, it’s 14 years later and I STILL HATE LIFE (so goth).
On EWs List? NO

38. Dirty Work (1998)
I wish I could move to Utah and marry Bob Saget and Norm McDonald. This is such a terribly underrated comedy. I promise you, you will be quoting it like crazy once you watch it. You won’t be disappointed.
On EWs List? NO

39. Office Space (1999)
Don’t make me explain this one. The only sad thing is that Jocks and Frats have sort of stolen this movie from us. SAD! It was ours, jackasses! Now would be a great time to mention that when I started working in an office my Mom bought me an Office Space calendar for my cubicle. Horrible, horrible irony.
On EWs List? YES

40. Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999)
Interviewer: Name and spell all the United States in alphabetical order.
Amber: Seriously? Okay. Alabama - Eh-elle-eh-bee-eh-im-eh. Alaska – Eh-elle-eh-iss-kay-eh.
On EWs List? NO

7.17.2008

Fuck You, Entertainment Weekly: The Top 100 List for the Rest of Us - 41-50

41. Rushmore (1998)
I was so into this movie when I was a kid. I started wearing a beret all the time and named my fish Max Fischer. I wanted desperately to go to a private school, and felt exactly like Max did when he had to go to Grover Cleveland. I was so in love with Jason Schwartzman and Bill Murray. I always felt so bad for Rosemary for having to choose (even though she really didn’t choose – she would have never gone for Max. Stupid Stat-Rape laws). Also, my middle name is Margaret, so when Max started seeing Margaret Yang, I thought it was meant to be. Then it turned out that Jason Schwartzman is nothing like Max Fischer; he is a rich Hollywood brat who is one Lacoste polo away from being Brody Jenner. So I am stuck being in love with a person who doesn’t exist. Sigh.
On EWs List? YES

42. Uncle Buck (1989)
There are more quotable lines in this movie than any other John Hughes film. My personal favourite? When he flips a quarter at the Maizy’s Vice Principle (the one with the massive mole) and tells her to “take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face. Good day to you, madam.”

Also good? “Holy smokes! He’s cooking our garbage!”
On EWs List? NO

43. Mean Girls (2004)
I should not have to explain to you why this film is on the list. Sure, Lindsay Lohan may be box-office poison now, but let’s remember her as she once was – very funny. When she dies of a cocaine over-dose, and she will, they will play a clip from Mean Girls during the Academy Awards tribute montage.
On EWs List? NO

44. O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)
I’d say that 99% of people hate, HATE, this movie. To them I say “It’s okay. NASCAR is on. Go relax, and I’ll bring you a Natural Light to calm you down. You want me to change the channel to some Blue Collar Comedy Tour? Okay, here’s you go. Ooh, looks! It’s Bill Engval!”
On EWs List? NO

45. Muriel’s Wedding (1994)
I always heard about this movie, but never watched it. I just chalked it up to a stupid rom-com or a chick flick or something. Boy, was I wrong. This is very funny and completely relateable. It sort of has moments of Eagle VS Shark, and lots of Ghost World. And, as mentioned before, it stars the criminally under-rated Toni Collette.
On EWs List? NO

46. Hairspray (1988)
Know what I love? That the movie, the musical based on the movie, and the movie based on the musical based on a movie, are all really fantastic. Jesus, John Waters must bathe in $100 bills. Also, John Waters managed to break out of his comfort zone and make a culturally significant film about racism, sexism, size-ism, and over coming really stupid prejudices.
On EWs List? NO

47. Monster (2003)
I was living with my best friend when Monster came out. She is short, had black hair, and huge eyes – just like Christina Ricci. I am tall, blonde, and (at the time) was really into ratty jeans and threadbare band shirts. The movie was great, but it ruined our chances of getting boys.
On EWs List? NO

48. Elf (2003)
Allow me to stress one thing: Will Ferrel is overrated. Please, deal with that, okay? I’m not saying he’s not funny, but he is sort of this generation’s Chevy Chase. I don’t like him when he is acting sexy. I don’t like him when he is acting like a man-child. I don’t like him when he is acting like a bad-ass. I DO love him when he is an adorable elf from the North Pole. I also love James Caan and Zooey Deschanel and I especially LOVE LOVE LOVE Bob Newhart. It may be one of the best Christmas movies. (Is it? Yeah, sure. Why not)
On EWs List? NO

49. Leaving Las Vegas (1995)
Holy shit, this movie is faaaaaacked.
On EWs List? NO

50. American Beauty (1999)
An obvious choice. People always like to classify this as a drama, but it has a crapload of good jokes. Like when Kevin Spacey starts working the drive-thru and catches his wife with the King of Real Estate?

Carolyn Burnham: (to Marissa Jaret Winokur) You know, this doesn’t really concern you.
Lester Burnham: Well, actually, Janine is Senior Drive-thru Manager, so you are on her turf.
On EWs List? NO

7.06.2008

Fuck You, Entertainment Weekly: The Top 100 List for the Rest of Us - 51-60

51. Back to the Future (1985)
I have a love-hate relationship with the state of Florida. Everytime I visit, I get sick. And I don't mean diarrhea. I am usually hospitalized about 3 days after arrival (I am not joking, btw. People always think this is made up, but I urge you to call up The Mayor's Mom and ask how annoying it is.)
So during one trip, I was extremely sick with a stomach flu. I was in the hospital for a week (give or take a few days, I can't remember. I was 9, gimme a break). I couldn't do anything but lay in bed and suppress the hatred I had for my sister and cousin who were swimming and playing Nintendo and stuff, while I was hospitalized with an IV in my arm. I was on so many drugs, so it was difficult for me to stay awake. TBS was having a Back to the Future weekend where they played it non-stop for like, 48 hours. EVERYTIME I started to watch it, I would fall asleep. I would wake up at the credits and shake my fists to the sky. All I wanted was to see Back to the Future without passing out. I also peed on the floor of my hospital room, but that's another story for another day.
On EWs List? YES

52. Happy Gilmore (1996)
The Price is Wrong, Bitch.
On EWs List? NO

53. WALL-E (2008)
This is a perfect movie.
On EWs List? NO (but give it 10 years)

54. The Usual Suspects (1995)
Ooooh, you can't talk about any of this movie without mentioning at least 1 spoiler. The whole movie is one, big spoiler.
On EWs List? YES

55. This is Spinal Tap (1994)
Where do you start? What hilarious quote should I lead in with? Should I mention the great Simpsons appearance? My ONLY critique is that the Volume 11 joke is way over-used.
PS - my cousin's BF looks exactly like Rob Reiner.
On EWs List? YES

56. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)
This is a funny one, cause it was made for Frats, and Frats didn't really like it. And it alienated everyone else, and yet it is starting to get a little cult following. Which is good, because this was enjoyable. Will Ferrell is getting a little too annoying for my tastes (but then again, I don't go to a State university) but it is John C Reilly who carries this movie. When I marry John C Reilly, our vows will be taken from the grace scene verbatim.
On EWs List? NO

57. Beetlejuice (1988)
Poor Michael Keaton. Imagine the Beetlejuice 20 Year Reunion?
Geena Davis: What have I been up to? Well, shit. Um, there was that time I was really into archery and was a national champion and almost got on the Olympic team. Then I did Stuart Little with Hugh Laurie, and everyone loves that movie. Also, I was in A League of their Own. Remember that? "There's no crying in baseball?" Yeah, I am a national treasure.
Winona Ryder: That stealing problem has done nothing to shadow my expansive career. I've had my share of misses, but thanks to films like Reality Bites, Edward Scissorhands, Little Women, and Girl, Interrupted, I still keep getting a shitload of work.
Alec Baldwin: I have been working steady for the past 20 years and everyone agrees that my role in Glengarry Glen Ross is a cinematic masterpiece. Also, I am on 30 Rock, and I do not need to explain why that is fucking amazing.
Michael Keaton: Well...I was the original Batman, and people can agree not the worst Batman, thanks to Val Kilmer. But uh, I am really busy. Me and the wife opened up a Quiznos franchise in Cattleranch TX, and it is doing some pretty good business. You gotta try the Chicken Tzatziki!
On EWs List? NO

58. Ghostbusters (1984)
The only reason this isn't higher on the list is because while it is a classic, there have just been so many funnier movies made since 1984. Also, I love Harold Ramis. He can bust my ghost anytime (what?)
On EWs List? YES

59. Wayne’s World (1992)
Am I the only one who thinks the funniest parts of Wayne's World are a) when they keep flashing back to the scene of Rob Lowe exiting his car really slowly in Wayne's driveway and b) any scene with Ed O'Neill as the Stan Makita's manager Glen.
I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it, that if a man kills another man in battle it's called heroic; yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion, it's called murder?
On EWs List? NO

60. Little Children (2006)
Holy crap, Jackie Earle Haley was robbed of an Oscar. I know Oscars don't mean shit, but come on - if I saw him on the street, I would be real scared he would touch my Danger Zone.
On EWs List? NO

Fuck You, Entertainment Weekly: The Top 100 List for the Rest of Us - 61-70

61. Moulin Rouge! (2001)
I remember way back, when I was but 16 or 17, and hated the world (my sister would imitate me by scoffing "pfft...society...") I went to see Moulin Rouge! with my friend Rebecca St. John. Since I had an image to maintain, I spent the whole movie slumped in my seat going "this is sewwww lame" and rolling my eyes at everything. It was my finest performance to date; I had to act like I hated that movie, when meanwhile I was in lurve with it. It's just so romantic and gorgeous and Nicole Kidman is terrific. I can't believe she was in Practical Magic.
On EWs List? YES

62. Natural Born Killers (1994)
This movie is always on every Top 10 list, every Favourites list, every Culturally Significant list et cetera et cetera et cetera and it 100% deserves to be there. Stunning, fantastic movie.
On EWs List? YES

63. Paris, Texas (1984)
Please watch this movie. Please please please. It is so good. BUT don't watch it when you are depressed; I don't want to be mentioned in your suicide letter.
On EWs List? NO

64. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (1987)
There are plenty of celebrities and musicians and actors who have died too early, but is there any sadder than the Lovable Tubbo? I honestly really miss Chris Farley and John Candy. I really really wish they were still alive. Anyways, P, T, and A is fucking hilarious, and that is difficult for me to say, because I hate (HATE) Steve Martin. But allow me for a second to quote one of my favourite lines (my parents usually earmuffed me when a movie had Fuck in it, but they would let P, T, and A slide.

Car Rental Agent: How may I help you?
Neal: You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosey, fucking, cheeks. Then you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick. Four fucking wheels and a seat.
Car Rental Agent: I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.
Neal: And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face. I want a fucking car RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
Car Rental Agent: May I see your rental agreement?
Neal: I threw it away.
Car Rental Agent: Oh boy.
Neal: Oh boy, what?
Car Rental Agent: You're fucked.

On EWs List? NO

65. The Good Son (1993)
Yep, I put it on my Top 100 list.
On EWs List? NO

66. Jurassic Park (1993)
I just watched this the other day, and while most movies graphics age so poorly that it looks like they made them with a Coleco Vision, Jurassic Park has actually stood the test of time. It is still scary. The dinosaurs still look real. And I still wish my Father would build a time machine and go back to 1993 so he could warn me and my cousin that he was about to take us to see a movie that would haunt our nightmares for weeks.
On EWs List? NO

67. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)
I hate the way people just brush off John Hughes as a low-brow director. Fuck. That. Shit. I have 5 of his movies on this list. Why? Because name how many times you have watched Citizen Kane. Once, right? Now name how many times you have watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off. We're talking somewhere in the neighborhood of about 80 times.
On EWs List? NO

68. The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert (1994)
Australia always puts out the funniest, most heartbreaking films. When this movie is funny, it is so so funny. When it is sad, it is really teary. Can we please Clockwork Orange all those Family First Christians with this movie? Because they are not getting the fucking message.
On EWs List? NO

69. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
I really wish 13-year-old Goths hadn't stolen this movie from us, but they need something since Marilyn Manson went into hiding. But Hot Topic wallets and hoodies aside, I just this this is such a good story. Also, did anyone else think they just re-used old Nightmare props for Corpse Bride?
On EWs List? NO

70. The Sixth Sense (1999)
I know, I know, obvious choice. Come on, I demoted it down to #70. M Night Shamalamalan's films are all the same; no plot, no character development, zany twist ending (what a tweest!). But I like Sixth Sense because even though you know Bruce Willis is deadsville, you can still watch the movie without fast-forwarding to the end. Also, I apologize but I am about to state the obvious: Toni Colette is a genius actress.
On EWs List? YES

7.05.2008

Fuck You, Entertainment Weekly: The Top 100 List for the Rest of Us - 71-80

71. Best in Show (2000)
It is really hard to narrow down which Christopher Guest films are the best, so I had to do it through process of elimination. Waiting for Guffman is great, but it is a little too easy to make fun of small-town community theatre. A Mighty Wind was also good, but sometimes I just got too bored. Best in Show is hilarious, but it is also a fantastic film. Where Guffman’s acting was at times amateurish, and Wind’s was over-the-top, Best in Show was charming and funny and clever, but most of all, believable.
*Note: This is Spinal Tap has been left out for good reason; it makes an appearance a little higher on the list.
On EWs List? NO

72. Eastern Promises (2007)
It is more than just the shower scene. Viggo Mortensen was Russian in that movie. I don’t know what it is with Ruskies, but they all have that same haircut (even the women). But seriously, this is a fantastic film, but not for the faint of heart (you definitely see some digits cut off).
On EWs List? NO

73. Clerks (1994)
Many will argue that Kevin Smith’s Clerks is overrated. True, it is overrated. But that does not a shitty movie make. Clerks is so of-its-time (see Reality Bites) that it seems out of place in 2008. But the main reason I have put it at #73 is because of the pants-shittingly hilarious Clerks Animated Series.
On EWs List? NO

74. Pretty in Pink (1986)
Everybody always talks about Molly Ringwald’s opus The Breakfast Club.
Zzzzzzzz….
I think that Pretty in Pink is 100x more watchable and 100x less agonizingly clichéd. Great soundtrack, Annie Potts in the role Cyndi Lauper was born to play, Alan from Two and a Half Men (Duckie!!) and the hotness that is James Spader.
On EWs List? NO

75. Walk Hard (2007)
The AV Club recently did a review of Walk Hard in it’s semi-weekly article on cinematic flops. They argued that it is a superb little movie that does not deserve the status of flop. I couldn’t agree more. This is more than just a spoof, a lampooning of cinematic biographies. Its jokes are more than just “get it – he’s like ____”. Is it stupid that I want one of the original songs from Walk Hard played at my wedding?
On EWs List? NO

76. The Departed (2007)
Martin Scorsese is a genius. How he taught Marky Mark to act is beyond me.
On EWs List? YES

77. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
Ooooh, this movie is so happy and heartwarming! Also, it has a bout of prison rape in it, so it is also a paradox. Neat.
PS – he totally killed his wife.
On EWs List? NO

78. Zoolander (2001)
I like to call this one “The Glory of Ben Stiller before he did Dodgeball (meh, issokay), Starsky and Hutch (terrible), and The Comeback Kid (please stop letting him make movies)”
I had a very difficult time deciding which was funnier: this, or Meet the Parents, but Zoolander is the clear winner. Although it was tough – I use the line “Jack talk Thai...Jack talk Thai real well” on a regular basis.
On EWs List? NO

79. Love Actually (2003)
Don’t fucking roll your eyes!! This movie is a really great examination of relationships. If you don’t feel happy at the end of Love Actually, then you do not have a soul.
On EWs List? NO

80. Bowling for Columbine (2002)
aka The Idiot’s Documentary. Admit it, even the dummies in your Shop Class saw Bowling for Columbine. I will, till the day I die, be an unabashed Michael Moore fan. And while wee are on the topic, you know who is a gasbag? Morgan Spurlock. I eat more fast food after watching Super Size Me than I ever did before. McDonalds? Delicious. KFC? Will probably be the death of me, and I don’t give a rat’s right ass. Taco Bell? If you could legally marry a corporation…you see where I am going with this.
On EWs List? NO

7.01.2008

Fuck You, Entertainment Weekly: The Top 100 List for the Rest of Us - 81-90

81. Beavis and Butthead Do America (1996)
I love when people scoff at this movie. Can I remind you that it was written, directed, birthed from the vag of Jesus by Mike Judge, a man who is 100x funnier than you will ever be? That it has a buttload of guest voices, like Bruce Willis, Demi Moore, David Letterman, Cloris Leachman, Richard Linklater? That it is fucking hilarious? The only thing better is if they could make a King of the Hill movie that won't suck (please, Jesus, please).
On EWs List? NO

82. Heathers (1989)
"Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw." Obviously, this is the most unrealistic portrayal of teen cliques, but it is still very fun. And for a teen movie, it is tremendously clever. If you haven't seen Heathers, then you are sorely missing out. It belongs on this list for a million reasons (the clothes, the script, a non-douchey Christina Slater, the megabitchness that is Shannen Doherty). It is the original Mean Girls (but sadly, not nearly as good as Mean Girls).
On EWs List? NO

83. Next Friday (1999)
Why did I choose the sequel to Friday? Why not the first one? Because the second one is funnier. Also it harkens back to a special time where Ice Cube was still into gangster rap and not into driving his kids to soccer practice. Firstly, no Chris Tucker; instead we have his cousin Day-Day. Second, the first has a very basic premise; get $$ to dealer. The second is all about moving to the suburbs into a rich neighborhood and dealing with 'whitey' and a bunch of gangbanging Latinos. Trust, it's hilarious (and like Star Wars, the 2nd is clearly the best in the Friday series - Friday After Next is just as bad as Return of the Jedi).
On EWs List? NO

84. The Princess Bride (1987)
Okay, okay, this is a little bit of a girl movie. But there has to be a guy or two out there who likes The Princess Bride, right? Ugh, fine, this one is for the ladies only. Boys, earmuffs for a second...THE PRINCESS BRIDE IS 100% AMAZING AND SUPER-ROMANTIC!!!
On EWs List? NO

85. Orgazmo (1997)
If I could include South Park on this list, I would. TV, not the movie. The film (Bigger, Longer, and Uncut) is very...not as good as season 6 on. But out of their feature films (BASEketball, Team America) I think that Orgazmo is the funniest, sweetest, and dare I say it? Cleverest. Is that a word? Who cares - I like Orgazmo, that's it.
On EWs List? NO

86. Home Alone (1990)
Home Alone is the most systematically-ignored film of the past 25 years. It never makes it on to any lists, never gets its spot in the light with a cool DVD set. And yet? Name another Christmas movie you would happily watch on July 21st. Or October 3rd. Or fucking whenever - when it's on TV, I watch all 2 hours of it. And laugh.
Keep the change you filthy animal.
On EWs List? NO

87. Major League (1989)
Four words: Ricky 'Wid Thing' Vaughn. I would let him pitch his balls at my dugout. Hey-o! (What does that even mean?)
On EWs List? NO

88. Reality Bites (1994)
OMG, I fucking love this movie. Not only is it a little time capsule of the 90s, but it makes me feel so much better when I am stressing out about not doing anything with my life. Also, how cute is that scene in the Food Mart where they dance to The Knack? Adorable.
On EWs List? NO

89. Scary Movie 2 (2001)
I can see all of you rolling your eyes right now (cut it out). Here are a few reasons why this made the list:
1) David Cross in a wheelchair
2) The fight with the housecat
3) Chris Elliot's wonky hand
4) The "Talk dirty to me" scene
On EWs List? NO

90. Léon (The Professional) (1994)
Years before she played Queen Amidala (I threw up in my mouth a little just thinking about Nu-Star Wars) Natalie Portman played a 12 year old girl seeking vengance on the corrupt DAs who killed her family in a drug-addled shooting. You know, basic pre-teen stuff.
On EWs List? NO