7.01.2008

Fuck You, Entertainment Weekly: The Top 100 List for the Rest of Us - 81-90

81. Beavis and Butthead Do America (1996)
I love when people scoff at this movie. Can I remind you that it was written, directed, birthed from the vag of Jesus by Mike Judge, a man who is 100x funnier than you will ever be? That it has a buttload of guest voices, like Bruce Willis, Demi Moore, David Letterman, Cloris Leachman, Richard Linklater? That it is fucking hilarious? The only thing better is if they could make a King of the Hill movie that won't suck (please, Jesus, please).
On EWs List? NO

82. Heathers (1989)
"Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw." Obviously, this is the most unrealistic portrayal of teen cliques, but it is still very fun. And for a teen movie, it is tremendously clever. If you haven't seen Heathers, then you are sorely missing out. It belongs on this list for a million reasons (the clothes, the script, a non-douchey Christina Slater, the megabitchness that is Shannen Doherty). It is the original Mean Girls (but sadly, not nearly as good as Mean Girls).
On EWs List? NO

83. Next Friday (1999)
Why did I choose the sequel to Friday? Why not the first one? Because the second one is funnier. Also it harkens back to a special time where Ice Cube was still into gangster rap and not into driving his kids to soccer practice. Firstly, no Chris Tucker; instead we have his cousin Day-Day. Second, the first has a very basic premise; get $$ to dealer. The second is all about moving to the suburbs into a rich neighborhood and dealing with 'whitey' and a bunch of gangbanging Latinos. Trust, it's hilarious (and like Star Wars, the 2nd is clearly the best in the Friday series - Friday After Next is just as bad as Return of the Jedi).
On EWs List? NO

84. The Princess Bride (1987)
Okay, okay, this is a little bit of a girl movie. But there has to be a guy or two out there who likes The Princess Bride, right? Ugh, fine, this one is for the ladies only. Boys, earmuffs for a second...THE PRINCESS BRIDE IS 100% AMAZING AND SUPER-ROMANTIC!!!
On EWs List? NO

85. Orgazmo (1997)
If I could include South Park on this list, I would. TV, not the movie. The film (Bigger, Longer, and Uncut) is very...not as good as season 6 on. But out of their feature films (BASEketball, Team America) I think that Orgazmo is the funniest, sweetest, and dare I say it? Cleverest. Is that a word? Who cares - I like Orgazmo, that's it.
On EWs List? NO

86. Home Alone (1990)
Home Alone is the most systematically-ignored film of the past 25 years. It never makes it on to any lists, never gets its spot in the light with a cool DVD set. And yet? Name another Christmas movie you would happily watch on July 21st. Or October 3rd. Or fucking whenever - when it's on TV, I watch all 2 hours of it. And laugh.
Keep the change you filthy animal.
On EWs List? NO

87. Major League (1989)
Four words: Ricky 'Wid Thing' Vaughn. I would let him pitch his balls at my dugout. Hey-o! (What does that even mean?)
On EWs List? NO

88. Reality Bites (1994)
OMG, I fucking love this movie. Not only is it a little time capsule of the 90s, but it makes me feel so much better when I am stressing out about not doing anything with my life. Also, how cute is that scene in the Food Mart where they dance to The Knack? Adorable.
On EWs List? NO

89. Scary Movie 2 (2001)
I can see all of you rolling your eyes right now (cut it out). Here are a few reasons why this made the list:
1) David Cross in a wheelchair
2) The fight with the housecat
3) Chris Elliot's wonky hand
4) The "Talk dirty to me" scene
On EWs List? NO

90. Léon (The Professional) (1994)
Years before she played Queen Amidala (I threw up in my mouth a little just thinking about Nu-Star Wars) Natalie Portman played a 12 year old girl seeking vengance on the corrupt DAs who killed her family in a drug-addled shooting. You know, basic pre-teen stuff.
On EWs List? NO

2 comments:

deadeye-davi / uncle jesse said...

Dear friend, you are so very wrong! The original Friday is vastly superior, but Next friday is also good. They feel so different that they may as well not be related to eachother.

The Derailleurs said...

love reality bites and home alone. great picks.
now i want to watch them - now.