Fuck You, Entertainment Weekly: The Top 100 List for the Rest of Us - Top 10 Dramas

First, allow me to say that it was super hard narrowing this list down, and even harder comparing comedies to dramas. You can't do it; how do you choose which is better between Silence of the Lambs and The 40 Year Old Virgin? So, here are the top 10 dramas. I've saved comedies for last, for obvious reasons.

1. GoodFellas (1990)
I was about 7 when GoodFellas came out (I really should have lied about my age, and now you know I am 24, but it would make the following story completely unbelievable if it happened when I was 3 or something, so here we are). I always wanted to watch what my parents watched, and usually I was allowed, since I had a pretty sophisticated sense of humor for a 7-year-old, and enjoyed movies beyond my years (I watched Silence of the Lambs at 9, and I wouldn’t say it fucked me up). With that being said, my Mom and Dad pulled a smart move and told me to slag off when I asked to watch GoodFellas with them.

They were watching it up at our cottage, which had a double-staircase. The one set entered into the living room (where they were watching the movie) and on the landing there was a folding door that closed off the staircase. Whenever they watched movies, I used to sneak down and sit on the landing behind the folding door and listen. This came to an abrupt end after they were watching Chucky, and I snuck a peep through the door (I didn’t sleep for weeks). So I stayed up listening (not watching) GoodFellas, assuming that it was a comedy about a bunch of old friends from New York, set to a kicky Rolling Stones soundtrack. A sort-of New Jersey Caddyshack. Anyways, the point I am getting at is this:

I used to stay with my Aunt and Uncle (who at that time had no Grandchildren) quite a lot, and they were going to go to the video store to rent a movie for me, and one for themselves. They asked me if GoodFellas was a good movie to rent, and I was like “yeah! Oh my god, that movie is so funny! You should watch it!”
I can only assume the look of horror when my 60-year old Aunt and Uncle were watching one of the many ‘whacking’ scenes and judging my parents for allowing a 7-year-old to watch an NC-17 film about drug-addicted Mafioso.

The moral of the story is: GoodFellas kicks so much ass, am I right?
On EWs List? YES

2. Blue Velvet (1986)
Watching Blue Velvet makes me realize how boring my life really is. It also makes me realize I would totally do Kyle McLaughlan.
On EWs List? YES

3. A History of Violence (2005)
My friend Zach used to always to an impression of Ed Harris and he would just go “Joey” over and over again. Also, we watched the movie in class at school. Have you ever watched a movie with two people 69-ing very close to your old man teacher? No? Well, add that to the list of things that are most likely the cause of me being so fucked up now.
On EWs List? NO

4. Welcome to the Dollhouse (1995)
I am serious when I say that I never could relate to movies like She’s All That or 10 Things I Hate About You. I wasn’t popular at all, and was painfully awkward. I was very tall and skinny and wore my mom’s clothes from the 80s (but not cool stuff; I’m talking culottes and button up RL polos and stuff). My first kiss was in a school play (so essentially, a boy kissed me only so he wouldn’t get a failing grade) and I stayed in every Friday night watching Making the Band. I owe my life to Todd Solondz. He made a movie of a girl who was an actual nerd who actually didn’t have cool friends. Welcome to the Dollhouse is so fantastic; I wish I could make every awkward 14 year old girl watch it and then tell them that life gets so much better.
On EWs List? NO

5. Magnolia (1999)
Oooooh! Has anyone seen Magnolia and doesn’t like it? Plus Aimee Mann and John C Reilly? I don’t even hate Tom Cruise in Magnolia. I’ll even go so far as to say I tolerate him. But for real, PT Anderson is an amazing storyteller, AND he is married to Maya Rudolph, so he has a good sense of humor.
On EWs List? YES

6. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
But really; is it weird for a brother and his adopted sister to have sex?
On EWs List? NO

7. Fargo (1996)
Oh my god, how much is William H Macy like Gil from The Simpsons??
On EWs List? NO

8. Brazil (1985)
So. Effing. Amazing. If you haven't seen Brazil, get to your local video store and rent it post-haste. You need to watch it, but not high! I can't stress that enough! Do NOT watch Brazil high or on shrooms or after smoking rocks or while smelling glue or after drinking a bottle of mouthwash. Just don't.
On EWs List? NO

9. Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Holy crap, this movie scares me everytime. The worst part is it is so scary and horrific but it is 100% plausible. This kind of Buffalo Bill shit happens all the time, with the pits of lotion-rubbing and dog-threatening and mangina dancing. Ew! The mangina scene haunts my nightmares!
On EWs List? YES

10. No Country for Old Men (2007)
Obviously the Cohen brothers can do no wrong (well…maybe The Ladykillers) but on the whole they are just terrific. Also, this was the movie that started my love affair with Javier Bardem. I would let Anton Chigur air-gun me anytime (what the hell does that mean?)
On EWs List? YES


Jack Gordon said...

Two words for you: "Goodbye Horses" by Q. Lazzarus.

The Mayor said...

Shit! That song makes me cringe!! I can't hear it without picturing a guy putting on lipstick.