Space Docking

First off, if you are my Mom and you are reading this, I'm going to politely ask you to read ahead or watch The View or something, because I know this is going to gross you out. You are already 52% disappointed in me, and this article isn't going to do anything to lower that number.

Okay, so now that I have prepared my Mom for the worst (I cannot thank God enough for birthing me to a very forgiving Mother) I need to move on to one big What's Crappening? As you may or may not know from previous posts (in like, June) I have been living in Montreal for a month. I have loved every minute of it, eaten a metric tonne of Poutine (I wish I could say that was a joke, but it's really not. I definitely have a dumpy horse-butt now) and have made a bunch of new friends. And with new friends comes a whole new set of jokes to rip-off! I am kidding, of course; what are the odds that I would stumble upon a new set of depraved dick-joke enthusiasts like myself? One such new term I have learned is Space Docking. Look, when it comes to Urban Dictionary stuff, I am usually a tard; not too long ago I had to look up what a scrotum was in a dictionary (but that's a story for another time, kids). Anyways, do you know what space docking is?

- if your answer is YES...then you are a sick fuck and should ask for a stocking full of therapy money for Christmas.

- if your answer is NO...then put on The View for your Mom, cause I'm gonna tell you!

Okay, how can I explain this without making myself feel gross? I'll use little kid terms (that always makes it seem less creepy). The boy takes a dookie and puts the dookie in the freezer. Then he takes the fudgesicle and gives it to a girl's ping-ping. Then they make babies. Do you understand? Space docking is a poop-in-a-vadge, if I ain't being too subtle. So I started making up a few of my own. This shit is gross, so no emails about how lewd I am and that 'kids read the site'. If you are letting your kid read The Skip-Raid, then lady - you have problems.

The Lunar Lander

Like Space Docking, a lunar lander is when the poop makes a detour into Uranus.

Rubbers and Zima

When you go to a 13-year olds house and Chris Hansen is waiting for you with the NBC Dateline crew.

Can of Spring Snakes
When you are making out with a guy and you barf into his mouth.

Making Ice Tea
When you let someone get the runs on you.

Shrimp and White Wine
Not bringing condoms ('cause you ain't gonna use 'em)

Shoplifter! Shoplifter!

Hiring a hooker and running out on the bill. Also known as the Skeet n' Run.

Uncle Joey

Having sex with a creepy 40-year-old out-of-work puppeteer who lives in his friend's basement and speaks in Popeye quotes.

Increasingly Low Standards
Having sex with someone who wears Crocs.

Cell Block D
When your roommate is fucking you one minute, and trading your ass for Kools the next.

Long John Silver
When you have sex with that one-legged homeless guy from the park. You know the one - always wears an eye patch? Pretends the bench is a dinghy? I don't think he's homeless, just really confused.

Manitoba Honeymoon
When you have sex with an empty bottle of mouthwash.

The See You at the Maury Taping.
When you hear that a girl you slept with a year ago now has a kid.

C-3PO and R2D2
Gay sex with a little person.

I know you can think of more! Leave your suggestions in the comments section!


Alizarin said...

Question is: do you have sex with them while they're still wearing the crocs?

The Mayor said...

no - but it is a plus.

Jenn Lawrence said...

amazing list. love the tim and eric refs.

Sleepless in Seattle said...

I remember a short while ago, living in a house that the mayor made frequent visits to. Whenever she was there, I noticed a pair of brown crocs amongst the regular shoes on our landing. Does this make the mayor's beau an "increasingly low standards" type guy?

The Mayor said...

I only have a pair for the cottage if I need to go into the lake to retreive something - I don't wear them in public, and I bought them in brown to be less-conspictous.

PS - I will kill you for letting my secret out.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mayor: I think this is "Sleepless in Seattle"s way of asking you if he can wear your crocs more often!

alex davey illustrations said...

You own crocs. And you keep them in your apartment. When are you ever in the lake?!

The Mayor said...

I go in the lake. Plus, I barely wear them - they are an outdoor-shoe only, and by outdoor, I of course mean "cottage" shoe.

Anonymous said...

HUH?!? Classic doublespeak from the Mayor!

Anonymous said...

Lose the crocs and get a pair of Keens, will fit the same purpose without the shame factor.

Great list btw.

You might add felching: when one jizzes in another's mouth and that person spits in someone else's mouth and passes it around the room.