8.29.2008

In Communist Russia, Cheezburgers has LOLcats?

Happy Friday, puddings!! This video of a thousand cats represents the end of summer for me. But just like every McDonalds Breakfast turns into a massive dump, summer turns into fall which means ALL NEW SKIP-RAID POSTS!!!1! Oh yes, nuggets. Starting Tuesday we resume our standard broadcast of all things ANTM and Rock of Love. So enjoy the last weekend of the summer, and I'll see you back here on Tueday. Peace in the middle east,
The Mayor

8.26.2008

The Mayor tries to explain The Jonas Brothers

There is a lot of buzz surrounding The Jonas Brothers (aka Hanson aka The Lawrence Brothers), buzz that I don't get. Am I old? When did I get old? Without giving my age away, I will let you know that I am not much older than the oldest Jonas. So I guess my question is, do you understand The Jonas Brothers? Fuck, neither do I, but I'll give it a shot.

First Jonas to the Left is...Kevin Jonas
Age: 21 in November
Wikipedia page word count: 669
Kevin is the only Jonas I could invite over to my house for Zimas without Chris Hansen and the Dateline NBC crew showing up at my door. Generally regarded as The Ugly One or The Old One, Kevin is pretty much just a backup singer. And, after hearing him speak, I think it's safe to say that he can now be called The Gay One. I know that gay voice is a mean stereotype, but please people, sometimes it can be a pretty good indication of how many fan letters one has sent to Zach Efron.
Do, Date, or Dump? Part of me says Do because he reminds me of my first real boyfriend, but another part of me would get real tired of him saying "Boobs, ew!"

Jonas on the far Right is...Joe Jonas
Age: 19
Wikipedia page word count: 708
Joe is like the Pete Wentz of the group, meaning his balls get crushed by supertight denims on a daily basis and he has a sponsorship deal with Babyliss. Other than that? Joe Jonas is like needing a nap after a nap; booooring.
Do, Date, or Dump? Ugh, Dump. Dating or Doing Joe Jonas would be as exciting as waiting in line for a changeroom at Urban Outfitters on a busy Saturday.

Jonas is the middle is...Nick Jonas
Age: 16 in September
Wikipedia page word count: 1023
Nick is The One With Diabetes. I know...snorefest. Imagine being The One With Diabetes? That's like being The One With Asthma or The One Who Likes The Black Eyed Peas. If you know anything about The Jonas Brothers, it's because of Nick Jonas. He used to date Miley Cyrus (whoore!) and he dumped her for younger, prettier Disney star Selena Gomez (who?) which means that he made a cameo on eachother's respective Disney Channel shows. Really, what do you do when you date someone at 15? Wii Sports? Disaster Movie? Jesus, will you take a look at Nick; do you think he even has secondary body hair yet? Wait! Don't answer that! Not for another 2 years at least - I don't want to go to jail.
Do, Date, or Dump?
I am no Mary Kay Letourneau, so as long as Nick Jonas is underage, I refuse to comment.

8.25.2008

Fun Facts about...Family Matters

Just as people like shit now (The Hills, Rock of Love, Nick Motherfucking Cannon's Wild n' Out) people especially loved shit in the 90s. How else can you explain Step by Step being on the air for seven years? But of all the pure, steaming piles, Family Matters was definitely was the steamiest. And thanks to WUTV-FOX (and OMNI-1 in Ontario) you have no doubt seen every episode. But here are some fun facts that most people don't know; feel free to throw these around at your next party (uh, actually you might want to save these for a time when you don't want to be an epic loser).

Carl Winslow is a Homer Sexual
I know, right?! Now, it's only rumor, but it's apparently a rumor that is pretty well established. But come on - is there anything about this picture that's straight? Hey-o!

Hey, where did the youngest Winslow daughter go? Answer - porn.Yes, porn. Jaimee Foxworth was on Family Matters for a quick second before getting the boot (thanks to that no-good scene stealing Urkel). So what's a not-quite-child star to do? Well, you gotta keep acting. And what industry always needs down-on-their luck actresses? That's right - hard corn porn. Also, her Wikipedia page lists that she was addicted to weed. Who gets addicted to weed?!?!

Steve Urkel's girlfriend Myra is...dead?!?
Yes, Myra died, and not in the show, either! Michelle Thomas (she wasn't Myra in real life, people) died shortly after the show ended, proving that when Family Matters ended, a little bit of us died. Get it? Cause Myra was so short. Oooh, too soon? How about this one: Michelle Thomas died of cancer, which proves my theory that Jaleel White is a workplace hazard.

Eddie Winslow was in one of the highest-grossing films of 2007, and is dating Karrine "Supahead" Steffans
Well, really - who hasn't dated Karrine Steffans. But the bigger question is - what movie? Would you guess that Eddie Winslow (ahem...Darius McCrary) was in Transformers? He played Jazz, and guess what? He will be in the sequel too, which means that out of the whole Family Matters cast, Eddie Winslow is the only one to be gainfully employed (well, gainfully employed in the entertainment industry...not so fast, Jaleel White).

Ask The Mayor

You know it's a shit start to the week when I post a LOLcats picture. This one is pretty cute though, so just deal with it. That poor kitty - balls cut off. Anyways, it is still summer for two more weeks (wow, that was so depressing) which means very lazy posting till September 5th. And trust, once September 5th hits, all your dreams will come true. There is a lot planned for the Fall season including (but not limited to) a kickass giveaway. Trust, you will shit your pants when you read it. I already passed it by my Moms and even she thinks it is a pretty fun idea (albeit a weird one). But for now, let's get to know eachother better, shall we? And by get to know eachother, I mean of course you can ask me questions about myself. You may recall I used to write an advice column back in the day, so I am basically an expert in the field of answering emails. Send all your questions to skipraid@gmail.com and don't worry about me sending your email addresses to mailing lists and stuff - everything will be anonymized (is that the word I am looking for?) so go ahead and sign it with a nickname. Jimminy Jagoff, or Skip Slutbag. Whatever, I won't judge.
No question will be ignored or unanswered, and the funnier the better. Better yet, go ahead and down a bag of shrooms at your computer and write me whatever you want. Just make sure to end it with a question mark so it qualifies as a question. But I am sure you are thinking "what is the fucking point?" Well, you asshat, my favourite question will win a prize. You hear me? I will mail you an amazing prize (and trust - it will BLOW YOUR MIND).

8.19.2008

Hotties of Beijing

I know it totally defeats the purpose of the Olympics, athletes, their training, etc etc to talk about who's the hottest. But come on - unless someone is getting whacked in the leg with a steel pipe by a white trash skank's boyfriend, do you even watch? Let's do this! Michael Phelps USA
Sweet jesus, are you looking at this? Unless you have been living under a rock, you know that Michael Phelps is the proud owner of 8 medals (and by the looks of his Size 14 feet, 8 inches if I ain't being too subtle. I'm of course talking about his penis. Was I being too subtle?) But for real, he is a success story; his Dad peaced out when he was a kid, he had ADD growing up, he was raised in a house full of ladies. Sob story aside, he is a fantastic swimmer and a real class act; Phelps deserves all those shiny necklaces. Now would be a great time to mention that I could make a tasteless joke about Michael Phelps giving me a pearl necklace, but I won't go there. I am just too classy for a joke about Michael Phelps ejaculating on me. Sorry.

Alexandre Despatie Canada
...whoah, speaking of a joke about ejaculation! Alexandre Despatie is Canada's Michael Phelps (well, one is a swimmer and one is a diver, but they both wear Speedos, so who's counting?) and this one is for my Mom, who is a big Despatie fan. Can I make a gross comment for a second? (I know - when am I not?) Now, you can't really see it in this picture, but Google him. Have you found a good picture yet? Are you looking at his crotch? Is he stuffing? Can someone ask him? Because if he's not, then he should retire those medals and think about a career in porn.


Jan Frodeno
Germany
Cutie!!! Jan is a triathlete which means he is good at swimming, biking, and running. Which means he is 3x more fit than I ever will be. Also, he won a gold this week; congrats, Jan! You earned that Freezie!
Also, does he not kind of look like Corey Feldman?

Usain Bolt Jamaica
Usain Bolt is freaking fast and really freaking hot.

Marian Dragulescu Romania
It's not everyday you can say the king of men's gymnastics could kick your ass, but here we are. Dragulescu is so good, they named a move after him - that doesn't usually happen till you die, and even then, it is usually something embarrassing. Like when I die, they will call shitting your pants during a baptism a Mayor.

Missing
: that hot piece who broke his elbow in 8 places. Where is he? He has disappeared! I'm guessing it was his government - Hungary won't be shamed by a weak athlete! They needed a gold medal to pawn for toilet paper or soap (Hungary is poor, right? Ugh - a question that could easily be solved by a trip to Wikipedia).

8.17.2008

I had a dream about The Jonas Brothers (so, Signs of the Apocalypse #4,291)

Yeah, I know - who the hell are the Jonas Brothers? Well, to the best of my limited knowledge, they are Hanson with black hair. Regardless, one of them made it into my dream last night. I had a dream that I was in charge of putting on a musical about The Little Mermaid. Now, I know full well that there is currently a musical version of The Little Mermaid playing on Broadway, but this was supposed to be a sequel or a prequel or something. Also, it had to appeal to a current, urban audience. Ugh, like you know when Highschools do Romeo and Juliet, but set it in Harlem and everybody raps? I hate that - and that was how I was supposed to do The Little Mermaid. So I started auditioning kids to be hip-hop fish and merpeople. Oh! And the part of Prince Eric had to be played by two people because of 'racial sensitivity'. I know! What does that even mean?!? I had to make sure that Prince Eric was played by at least 2 actors of different races and so I went back to the school board with a brown-haired actor and a black-haired actor and they were like "this is what diversity is all about". I of course let myself play Ariel and my sister got the part of The Sea Hag (that was the actual title - sea hag) but all the kids kept getting it confused and kept calling her The Dumb Hag. She was just like "they can call me the dumb bitch for all I care; all that matters to me is that I am a part of a culturally-significant musical".

Here's where the Jonas Brothers fit in. One of the Prince Eric parts was given to Kevin Jonas (the ugly, older one) and the other went to (sigh) Michael Cera. Needless to say I made-out with both of them. Also needless to say, the play was a horrific disaster. We spent all our practice time on a neighboring playground, which was completely rusted and breaking down. It was so unsafe that everyone needed tetnus shots and the play never went on. Michael Cera filed a sexual harrassment complaint against me, which thankfully was thrown out, but was no good for my career. And that Jonas Brother? He was pinned under a renegade slide that crashed under the weight of the actor playing Scuttle.

Normally I would just brush off that dream as being the manifestation of a litre of mouthwash before bed, but it's not. It's my subconscious telling me that it is hyper-excited for Hamlet 2. Have you seen any trailers for it? Are you as in love with Steve Coogan as I am? Do you have Sexy Jesus in your head all the time? This weekend I will absolutely be seeing Hamlet 2, and because my sister has literally begged me to, The House Bunny. Which will be better? I don't know, but I will tell you this - neither has Michael Cera, and that is a damn shame.

8.14.2008

Lazy Friday

Click to make big, obvs.

I hate CSI (aka Redneck Science) but this made me laugh. Also, it saves me from writing an actual post. Have a great weekend kids! I wish you crystal meth dreams and peanut butter and crack sammiches.

Image courtesy of Reddit.

8.13.2008

I Love the Olympics


I know that posting this video is as redundant as jokes about mullets, but I really felt the need to share my thoughts. And by thoughts, I mean questions. And by questions, I mean let me ask you this (Mom, you might want to switch over to Rosie.com because this is only going to make you less proud of me): would you do it with this guy while his arm is still all fucked up? Yes, like do it do it. Watch the video and then tell me (also, it goes without saying that this video is going to be gross, so if you are a baby and can't handle seeing something get dislocated, then fuck off down to the model village, k?)

If you are still undecided, I encourage you visit the Daily Mail and get schooled on the number of ways an elbow can re-work itself. Anyways, my answer is Yes, but only because I am a depraved soul with major issues and an aggressive lack of boundaries. But all jokes aside, I cannot thank God enough that they caught this on film; this guy should go on Scarred. Have you seen Scarred? Ugh, it's so crappy; how fucking desperate was MTV for a host that they hired the lead singer of Papa Roach? If that isn't a lesson in saving your money. Seriously, people - one day you are singing Youth of the Nation, the next you are hosting a forum on VH1.com But am I correct in saying that Last Resort was in the stab-scene in Pay It Forward? Yeah, I know, speaking of pieces of shit...
Anyways, I was YouTubing more Olympics accidents and I couldn't find anything decent, so I moved on to roller coaster accidents which lead me to fat kids on roller coasters. And I guess you could say my day is complete.

8.07.2008

The Mix-Raid

Get it? It's a play on mixtape. Oh, fuck off; it's still summer, I get to make as many shit jokes as I want. Anyways, listen up turds - I am home from Montreal now. Back in the Big Sleazy. The Turd Sandwich. Makin' Ice-T. Riding the Milwaukee Sweat-stain...what, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, I'm back in Toronto, and with that comes plenty of reflection on last month's adventures in Quebec. Or as I like to call it, Montreal Madness!! I tried to think of something wittier, but all I could come up with was The Montreal Molestation (I'm trying to take a break on Touched By An Uncle jokes...aw, who am I kidding. T'BAU jokes are my bread and butter) or Montreal Murder Trial, which seemed a little too close to Manitoba Murder Trial, and quite frankly I have too many strikes against me when it comes to pissing off God.

But moving on, I think I can sum up my month with music. Oh shit, that sounded so gay!

Santogold - L.E.S. Artistes
I listened to so much Santogold in July, and my only regret is not giving her a chance sooner. Normally if I hear that a new artist has been mentioned on Perez Hilton, I brush them off as music for midwest sorority skanks. Wow, was I ever wrong. Good music is back people. Oh, just a sec...if Fergie still alive? Yes? Okay, then let me rephrase that: Music is starting to climb out of the abyss of ear-raping.


Girl Talk - Feed the Animals
Over the past 30 days, I have listened to Feed the Animals, in its entirety, more than 80 times (2:26 is for Lauren).


Flight of the Conchords
I feel like such a dope posting this, but...back in June I had never seen HBO's Flight of the Conchords. Yep. I'm a loser. My friend Ilana showed me a song or two from YouTube, but other than that I was very clueless about the show. Then my new friend Stephanie loaned me the DVD and opened my eyes to the magical world of Bret and Jemaine. It was so hard to pick a decent clip, because they are all so good, but this one is very sweet and features Murray. Also, the B&W photocopies part kills me; I am so glad I am not blind. And will someone please get on the horn and tell Jemaine I would let him space dock me?


Mark Morrison - Return of the Mack
Whenever I would get sad or depressed, my friend would put on Return of the Mack and when the chorus comes on she would sing return of the merkin.


Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! - Carol and her Boss sketch
I have found that you get a better response from people if instead of saying "I like that" you say "you are getting me rock hard".