8.26.2008

The Mayor tries to explain The Jonas Brothers

There is a lot of buzz surrounding The Jonas Brothers (aka Hanson aka The Lawrence Brothers), buzz that I don't get. Am I old? When did I get old? Without giving my age away, I will let you know that I am not much older than the oldest Jonas. So I guess my question is, do you understand The Jonas Brothers? Fuck, neither do I, but I'll give it a shot.

First Jonas to the Left is...Kevin Jonas
Age: 21 in November
Wikipedia page word count: 669
Kevin is the only Jonas I could invite over to my house for Zimas without Chris Hansen and the Dateline NBC crew showing up at my door. Generally regarded as The Ugly One or The Old One, Kevin is pretty much just a backup singer. And, after hearing him speak, I think it's safe to say that he can now be called The Gay One. I know that gay voice is a mean stereotype, but please people, sometimes it can be a pretty good indication of how many fan letters one has sent to Zach Efron.
Do, Date, or Dump? Part of me says Do because he reminds me of my first real boyfriend, but another part of me would get real tired of him saying "Boobs, ew!"

Jonas on the far Right is...Joe Jonas
Age: 19
Wikipedia page word count: 708
Joe is like the Pete Wentz of the group, meaning his balls get crushed by supertight denims on a daily basis and he has a sponsorship deal with Babyliss. Other than that? Joe Jonas is like needing a nap after a nap; booooring.
Do, Date, or Dump? Ugh, Dump. Dating or Doing Joe Jonas would be as exciting as waiting in line for a changeroom at Urban Outfitters on a busy Saturday.

Jonas is the middle is...Nick Jonas
Age: 16 in September
Wikipedia page word count: 1023
Nick is The One With Diabetes. I know...snorefest. Imagine being The One With Diabetes? That's like being The One With Asthma or The One Who Likes The Black Eyed Peas. If you know anything about The Jonas Brothers, it's because of Nick Jonas. He used to date Miley Cyrus (whoore!) and he dumped her for younger, prettier Disney star Selena Gomez (who?) which means that he made a cameo on eachother's respective Disney Channel shows. Really, what do you do when you date someone at 15? Wii Sports? Disaster Movie? Jesus, will you take a look at Nick; do you think he even has secondary body hair yet? Wait! Don't answer that! Not for another 2 years at least - I don't want to go to jail.
Do, Date, or Dump?
I am no Mary Kay Letourneau, so as long as Nick Jonas is underage, I refuse to comment.

8 comments:

deadeye-davi / uncle jesse said...

Mayor, we are the same age, and I can't believe that you really don't get their popularity, what with all of the packaged entertainment that we've endured in our short time on this Earth. They are cute non-threatening (read: kind of faggy.) passable performers who are constantly being talked up on arguably the biggest kids entertainment channel in the whole wide world. Not to mention that they have little to no personality and are blank slates that fans can project their desires onto.

That being said, I really couldn't care less about them unless they were nude. (Except for the underage one for two more years, then game on!)

Conversation Starter: Will Nick Jonas usurp Wilfred Brimley's coveted position(s) of Oatmeal Enthusiast General and Grand Poohbah of Diabeetus Awareness? Discuss...

The Mayor said...

Okay, DD/UJ, I think I understand them. You're right - they are like mannequins. Also, they are non-threatening because they all wear "promise rings" (aka I Promise to not let a guy eff the vadge, but everything else is fair game). But I feel bad for Kevin Jonas - he is obvs gay, but his manager has probably threatened him within an inch of his life to keep his mouth (and bum) shut.

And Yes - in 5 years when people realize that Nick Jonas is no longer cute, and he will need money, he will start doing infomercials for Dia-beetus Testing Supplies from Liberty Medical.

Renee said...

That longer haired one reminds me of a young George Harrison, which is okay with me.

The diabetes one? That is so Stacey McGill.

alice said...

My 10 year old niece is all over these dudes like Cheeze Whiz on toast. I'd make fun of her, but I had my own shame when I was 10 - it was called New Kids - and they're so old looking in their new video that I had a freakout and had to remind myself that I'm still in my 20s and not that old.
Can't say I'd hit any of the Jonas Bothers while they're still in their "Disney" phase, give it a few years when they've become grubby, disillusioned stoners trying to sell their used clothing on e-bay...then we'll talk.

alex davey illustrations said...

OMG, for the longest time I thought the one everyone was jizzing over was the longer haired Jonas Brother, I thought he was "Nick". Obvs hotties are named Nick. Girls actually go coo coo psycho over the middle one> He looks like a baby mouse that just had its tail caught in a door. It looks like his face is always whimpering.

Jack Gordon said...

"Really, what do you do when you date someone at 15?" you ask . . . well not much when I was 15 -- at 15 I would have gotten on my knees and thanked the Lord Jesus Christ for so much as a hand-job, but nowadays I'm pretty sure anything goes at 15 . . .

Jack Gordon said...

Aw shit, I just wiki'd them. " The brothers are all committed Evangelical Christians, their father is a former pastor, and they were homeschooled by their mother. In addition, they all famously wear purity rings on their left-hand ring finger and have vowed not to have premarital sex. . . .They also abstain from alcohol, tobacco, and drugs."
Blah blah blah, snore . . . WTF, Mayor, give me someone I can google with the safe-search image feature turned off.

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