ANTM / Cycle 11 / Episode 2

Allow me to start by saying that the following was written by a girl sitting on a couch (sans pants - note to potential guests; don't sit on my couch) with toothpaste on her face (it does a very sufficient job on zits) eating tuna out of a can (with a fork...come on, I haven't lost all my dignity). So when you question with what ability I have to judge the ANTM models, the answer is absolutely none.

Shall we do this? If I mention anything else about my current situation, I will be the recipient of several Cheer Up, Emo Kid Muffin Baskets. I like to call this week's episode ANTM Shit Gets Real. All 3 black girls and Sheena got together and had a Powow (which Hannah called gang violence. Um, what? Just cause they are all black they are a gang? Is that what you meant, Hannah? Did you see them take a break from their dice game to organize a hate crime against you?) Hannah responded by crying and acting all small-town podunk down-home hillbilly. Gee whiz Pa, I just ain't not know any betters!!

Then they did a photo shoot on a ladder. Big frig, I know. This week's photo shoot hair-pieces courtesy of The Britney Spears Broke-Ass Weave Collection.

The Mayor's Favourite Tyra Moment
(in response to Miss J's necklace)
"Every week that number will get smaller and smaller!"
And Tyra's getting laaaaaarger...(to borrow a quote from Airplane)

This week's MWIATFU (Model Who isn't a Total Fuck-up) is...

Lauren Brie
Everytime I hear Lauren's name, I think about cheese and I think about when you wrap a wheel of brie in Pillsbury dough and bake it in the oven and you stick a fork in it and eat the whole thing. Oh man, I could go for that right now. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah. We heard more of LB this week; too bad she is boring as hell. Good shot don't give you a personality, homeslice! This is her moment in the sun. She got lucky, and I think this is as good as she is going to get.

Ugh, homegirl is not a good model! She is super annoying and very unprofessional. I really hope she takes Miss J's advice and walks her ass on down to In and Out and get one of those 30-patty burgers off the secret menu. She needs to gain a few...uh...70lbs.

... and the rest.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I like her this week! How sweet was that when Anal-y agreed to distract Isis when she was giving herself a needle and she wasn't being a bitch.

Brittany R
Jay doesn't like her, but I think she is the prettier version of Jaslene. I like her and I hope she sticks around for a bit. That shot was hids, though. Don't get me wrong. Bitch fucked up.

This week we were treated to a vomit-inducing kiss between Clark and Elina/Angelina. Clark seriously gives me Dominique-Deja Vu and there is nothing even remotely attractive about her. I think that Clark and Dominique may be the same person; until I see them in the same room together, I will believe they are the same annoying man. Also, I think I found who is holding control of World's supply of bronzer.

First off, I knew she was going to win that challenge. She seemed like the only one who took it seriously.

"They are referring to me as The Racist. Wow, that's not very nice!" Uh, you know what's even more not-nice? BEING A FUCKING RACIST!! Hanna is a bitch and a baby and a racist, and probably a bedwetter. Someone check her bag for GoodNites. She was like "I'm your typical white person...I'm not loud like HAAAAAAY!" Um, what? Brittany was right; she's like "Just cause I'm black doesn't mean I'm loud all the time." Sheena didn't say anything, but her stink-eyes said HELL TO THE NO, BOBBY B!!!

When Miss J was like "You need a cheeseburger and some fried chicken and a watermelon chaser" and Isis was like you got my number. Isis, no! You are doing nothing to help the Hannah situation!

Oh my god, she brings it every week. She is like Tyra...oh shit! Tyra can't have any competition! Joslyn, watch out! Tyra's coming for your ass! I've seen this before - Jeff Gillooly gonna tire iron you legs!!


She was such a snore-fest bore-fest this week. She also reminds me of Jennifer Garner.

"I wonder if you fall if you get to go again?" Samantha, if you fall, you will break your neck. So no, you don't get a second try. Also, I finally realize what Samantha reminds me of; an extra from Laguna Beach. You know? Like when there would be a few random new people at a party and it would just be like Lauren's friend Samantha. Put a red plastic cup in her hand, and all of a sudden I hear Hilary Duff singing.

"I don't see myself as hooch."
Um, nevermind your fake-ass boobs; you posed with the bag at your crotch and you held on to the ladder with your ass. Hooch knows hooch, and You. Is. Hooch.

Weaves! Bleach! Tears! It's makeovers! I am so excited, it's like Christmas has come early!!


deadeye-davi / uncle jesse said...

I am putting "YOU. IS. HOOCH." on a t-shirt. You make want to watch this show just a little bit.

Anonymous said...

giiirrrrrrrly i sure as hell agree with u on all of it.
oh and anonymous is who i am so punch me in the face i would like to see u try