9.17.2008

ANTM / Cycle 11 / Episode 3

Well well well, this week on ANTM we were treated to the episodic equivalent to a rich kid's Super Sweet 16...MAKEOVERS!!1! Traditionally makeovers bring out every model's inner brat, but this Cycle was a bit of an exception. The worst we got were silent tears.

Silent tears, you ask? That's it, you say?

I know! Nobody bitched out Miss J, no weaves were torn out, no screaming or blubbering, clutching to the last remaining clumps of hair on their head. Silent tears. Pfft, that's nothing; I cry silent tears every time I look in the mirror or do my taxes (Marital Status: still single, IRS, still single). I really had larger expectations for this week's episode, and I was let down. I think the best way to describe this week's makeovers (hell, this Cycle in general) is flaccid. (That's what she said).

Okay, moving on. Can I just say that I am SO OVER the stupid skits they do? It's like being forced to sit and watch a shitty infomercial (rather than an awesome one like The Magic Bullet or something starring Billy Mays). HOWEVER...there were two parts I laughed out loud at. I guess you could say these were this week's Mayor's Favourite Tyra Moment
1. When Jay came out (Prince Couture? He meant to say Prince Sears, right?) and was like "Tyra can only be woken by her true love!" Bring out the wigs, mirrors, and Spanx!
2. When Jay picked up Tyra in his arms. Holy crap, did you see his arms buckling under the weight of that booty?!?! That poor man! He is going to need a lifetime of Physiotherapy to fix the pulled muscles in his upper body. I can only image the crew on set screaming at him FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LIFT WITH YOUR LEGS!!!

This week's MWIATFU is...
Elina
Where do we even start with this mess? First, we have her shiteous weave. Her hair looks like Carrot Top's caca. Second, that Josie Grosie weave turned her from Angelina Jolie to Julia Stiles. DOWNGRADE! Thirdly, we have her announcing to the world that she hates her mother. No wonder she is such a bitch; girl has major issues. That shot was okay, but honestly? What was this photo shoot even trying to prove? I was so done with this whole episode. I want my $12 back (don't ask me why. I just want money).

And who's out the door?

BrittanyOh my god, Cha Cha Diva x2! Her makeover made her look a lot like Halle Berry, but as we all know - there is only one Halle. She doesn't have to worry - she will get work so fast after this (you can see her in next month's issue of The Source! I dunno, probably).

...and the rest.

Anal-y
My waxer made a great comment about Anal-y. She's "Camp Councilor Pretty". Speaking of camp, can someone make my ass a gymp bracelet? And I don't care that it's wrong to call it gymp; it's gymp, goddamnit! Not plastic rope or rubber string or boondoggle. I want gymp (box gymp please!!)

Clark
Am I the only one who thinks that Clark kind of looks like Jessica Simpson's long-lost sister?

Hannah
Ricky Racist got the Jan Hooks. Ugh, and just before I was planning to get it. Looks like it's back to Plan B (the Electric Youth / Debbie Gibson)

Isis aka Iz-iz
K, I hate to be harsh, but you need to throw out those earrings.

Joslyn
Not much to say - she was pretty much a background performer this week. Y'all know I love Lil' Tyra.

Lauren Brie
My friends went to a restaurant who served deep fried brie. I would give my ass (which is stunning, really) for a deep fryer and a wheel of double cream. Ooh, my heart just tightened a bit when I typed that.

Marjorie
Oh dear, she is just tragic. She is such a case of not the picture. Guys would be like "oh shit, she's pretty hot" (I dunno, is that how guys talk?) and then they would meet her and fake a stroke just to escape (guys do that, right? I mean, I know they are faking it - you don't have to be a genius to realize a pattern when every guy you date has a stroke. Wait, did I mention I date 90-year-olds? I maybe should have brought that up earlier).

McKeyAnyone who watches W Network's Divine Design will be able to agree with me that McKey is basically Candace Olson. For those who don't? You really need to start watching shitty Canadian design shows.

Samantha
Ugh, she needs more than 8 inches cut off; homegirl needs to be shipped off to The Swan.

Sheena
Kimora definitely called up Tyra and was like THERE IS ONLY ONE KIMORA!! DO WHAT YOU MUST. Of course Kimora meant to have Sheena killed, but Tyra was so busy looking at herself in the mirror that she completely forgot anyone was even calling her. Tyra looked at Sheena the next day and was like "there was something I needed to do to Sheena today...but what was it?" so Tyra decided to make her hair look like dookie and call it a day. Being Tyra is a tough job. (so is being the steel reinforcement beams in the ANTM judging room catwalk) Hey-o! I'm on fire tonight!

NEXT WEEK ON ANTM...

All the hos learn to walk (like dogs on their hind legs, they is) and there is a shitty runway show. Honestly! Where is the production budget going on this show?? (That's what she said)

5 comments:

casu said...

Since when have they been using Walmart for their ad shoots? I thought it was bad when they used Sears,(or was it J.C. Penny?), for the shoot they had awhile ago, you know, the cycle with the Russian mail-order bride.

I suspect that Costco was out of the range of the production budget.

alice said...

Awww, like a bunch of little Rory Calhouns.
The makeovers were snoozeville, the biggest shocker was... red hair?
How awkward was that kiss between Tyra and Jay? Nevermind, how freaky was the Tyra "fairy" and her contact lenses?! She's going to haunt nightmares tonight - for real.

Jenn L said...

where are the pictures? i need pictures please.

Anonymous said...

I really like Elina's swimsuit?

emily said...

boondoggle is a horrible word. i agree, gymp forever.

try this. wheel of brie, roll out some pastry. in a pot add a lot of butter, and a lot of brown sugar and add sliced and toasted almonds to this. stir till it looks right (you'll know) poke holes in the top of the brie with a fork and put it on top of the rolled out pastry. on top of the brie add the butter/sugar/almonds. wrap it up with the pastry, like a present. pop that shit in the oven (350 for about 20ish min) and then take out and eat. you're welcome.