9.08.2008

Congratulations, Disaster Movie! You have been deemed the worst movie ever!!

That's right, kids! The people have spoken and they have rated Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer's latest shit-opus with the distinguished title of Worst Movie Ever. That means that people would rather give $12 to the creators of Who's Your Caddy, From Justin to Kelly, or Santa With Muscles. But how can I judge a movie I haven't seen (no matter how shitty)? That's right, I can't. But you know what I can do? Take a few jpegs from imdb.com and try to work out the plot of this shit show. Begin!Well, here we seem to have Batman, a black guy, a white guy, and a Giselle-like princess. It looks like they are talking about why Batman has lost his car (which would explain the rolling suitcase). I am sure it was under very humorous circumstances; maybe the Panda from Kung-Fu Panda fell on it, or Angelina Jolie adopted it. Whatever the reason, I'm sure it was destroyed by some kind of parody. Oh, that Jason Friedberg; such a comedian.Here's a guy who is opening some Indiana Jones-like crate while a high/stoned/crazy Alvin and the Chipmunks looks over his shoulder. I'm sure this scene was riveting. Now Nicole Parker as Giselle, our two friends, and the fattest Juno parody I have ever seen are standing around gabbing about god knows what (probably comparing who's agent has the most Lionel Hutz-like incompetence). I bet that Aaron Seltzer couldn't even secure a street permit for shooting. They probably had to film this in one take before the cops come and write them a summons for $100. Oh look! Kim Kardashian and Vanessa Minilio (I don't even have the motivation to google her name to make sure it is spelled write) and they are pretending to be High School Musical cheerleaders. I really don't even know where to take this, but I bet I know where Jason Friedberg took this; he made it into a slut joke. Oh my god! Why hasn't this guy won a Pulitzer yet??!?And last (but not least) we have an Amy Winehouse parody. Oh my god, I didn't think they would go there, but they did! How did they think of something so un-obvious and hilarious!! It's not like bloggers make Amy Winehouse jokes every single day or anything. So here is Nicole Parker (again) playing out what should be limited to a 3-minute MAD-TV sketch and I am sure she covered all the bases.
(do this in a Camden accent)
Ello! Ey'm Amy Wine'ouse and eye rully love drinkin' alkeeehall an smoe-kin' crack! Look at me teefs! They is so crazy! Lookee me crazy 'aire and me crazy eye make'apps!!
Now times that by 90 minutes and you have Disaster Movie. You have a movie that made $3 million at the box office last weekend. You have a movie that will no doubt spawn a sequel or 9. These are some dark times we live in, kids.

3 comments:

tylerface said...

Kill me now.

I hate the fact that we will NEVER EVER EVER return to the proper parody days of Airplane! and the like. I'll even go as far to say Scary Movie 1-3 were decent.

"Jim never has a second cup of coffee at home."

WE WILL NEVER GET THAT BACK.
Fuck. I'm watching that movie tonight.

deadeye-davi / uncle jesse said...

I beg to differ. Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz are incredibly funny and well made.

As for the MOVIE series: take that wack shit to the park and maybe the squirrels will care.

The Mayor said...

Oh yeah, but come on - you can't put Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead in the same category (Hot Fuzz is amazing)

Also, Tylerface, I will agree; Scary Movie 1 was really funny. Scary Movie 2, while critically panned, is also very funny (esp. David Cross)
Scary Movie 3 has its moments, so I won't say it is completely shiteous. I didn't see Scary Movie 4.

Also, Airplane! was, and is, the shit. I love that movie and will till the day I die.

"The Fog is getting thicker..."
"And Leon is getting laaaaarger!"

"Joey, have you ever seen a grown man naked/do you like movies about Gladiators/have you ever been to a Turkish prison?"

"Look Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again. There's just no stopping in a white zone."