ANTM / Cycle 11 / Episode 5

Where do we even start with this week's episode? This rag-tag team of dog food need to start some drama, cause Cycle 11 is working some Ambien fuckery on me.

Joslyn talking to her sister was this week’s inspirational ghetto phone call (IGPC). It’s like they have May Angelou writing that shit. Every phone call is like “You need shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you gon’ land amongst the stars, girl!”

When they had to meet Paulina Pore-iz-cove-ah in that construction site and root around for garbage to fix up those outfits, I felt like I was watching a broke-ass Project Runway. Epic fails were Marjorie (doye), Samantha, Sheena, Elina. Why the fuck would Elina tuck in that shirt?!? And Samantha being voted as the Most Epic Fail? Cheesus Christ, Paulina! Take it easy, we are dealing with a GED grad here.

This week's Mayor's Favourite Tyra Moment is not a quote at all. This week I’m picking Tyra’s caca-lashes. Blue mascara? I remember when I was 13 and my friends told me that I should use blue mascara because I have blue eyes. Hell to the No, Bobby B!! I looked like an 80’s Speed addict.

This week’s photoshoot was to replicate LA disasters. What, no Paris Hilton? (Sorry, that joke was too easy). This week's MWIATFU is...
Samantha /tidal wave
Ex'qwuuurzhat!! But really, I know I make fun of Samantha, but she does take good shots. Will she win this? No, no, absolutely not. But it can't hurt to dream, right?

And who's out the door?
Clark /blackout
Penis Pump!!! Yeah, blackout is right; that’s what the photo retoucher has to do to her visible balls. I'm glad she's gone. She reminds me of Aunt Linda from the wedding singer. "Aunt Linda! Yous a bitch!"

...and the rest.

Anal-y /strong winds
Did she deserve as high a rating as she got? I don't think so. Her shot was a little too Sketchers for me.

Elina /earthquake
She looked like Speed Racer’s gay stylist.

Joslyn /rockslide
You need to destroy that fugly pleather jacket, homegirl!

Lauren Brie /snowstorm
Snowstorm? Snowstrom?! The only snow in LA comes in a baggie and goes up your nose. (A Lindsay Lohan joke would be far too easy here. I won’t do it. I refuse to go for the obvious. A joke about Lindsay Lohan stuffing so much coke up her nose to the point where Rick James says “holy fuck, that’s too much coke!” is tasteless and tired).

Marjorie /traffic jam
GOD DAMN, was Marjorie raised on the Yearning for Zion ranch in Texas? She acts like she has never seen a book with pictures in it. No wait, I can do one better! She acts like a victim who is refusing to give a rape kit to Detective Olivia Benson on Law & Order: SVU. No no no!!! I can up that one! Marjorie talks like Allison from Intervention when she is high on Computer Duster. IT’S LIKE I’M WALKING ON SUUUUUUNSHINE!!

McKey /heat wave
“I'm wrecking y’alls summer” - Jay Manuel
Did he not sound EXACTLY like the gay bee from family guy?

Sheena /sandstorm
She looked like a horrible 1960s Korean manicurist stereotype. “Hey, Missy Tyra! You no come in get nails done long time! Why you no come in more? You have boyfrand? You nee nice nail if you wan boyfrand!”

Tyra teaches the girls how to develop their signature pose. What's Tyra's signature pose? Fixing her wig? Looking in the mirror? Googling her own name?


alex davey illustrations said...

why dont you poat pictures?
and what happened to tyler face's link?

carmel dias said...

omg luv the SUV comment sooo funny!

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