10.15.2008

True Tales of Tanning Horror!

I saw this picture of Lindsay Lohan's feet yesterday and it sent shivers up my spine; I know, this may come as a surprise to you all, but I am actually very girly, and know all too well the horrors of a bogus spray tan. Before you go pegging me for a Sex and the City-obsessed (I just saw that movie last weekend. Wow. What a terrible movie. Don't get me wrong, the clothes were fantastic - Patricia Fields is a lovely lady, but all those horrible puns started to grate on my last nerve) Sour Appletini drinking scum-sucking whore (Mean Girls...athankyou) I need to stress to you that there are some vapid, shallow things that make my life better. The first being spray tan, and if you ever saw me in person, you would instantly know why. I am doubleyoo-to-the-ache-eye-tee-ee white. And not Dita Von Teese white either; I love her, but she is fake. Her skin is the result of lots of powder. I am sallow and pale and the shadows on my face, sweet jesus, the shadows! Anyways, I love me some spray tan since it gives me just enough colour to avoid extra work in Zombie movies, but not so much that I look like a member of an Army of Skanks (Mean Girls again...athankyou twice).

My only issue with the spray tan is this: I have Eczema, and very severe at that. I am a scaly fish. Yeah, I know, You just ate...let's move on to the point. Spray tan does not bond to scaly dry skin, which means I end up with lighter patches all over my body from where the tanning fluid won't take. I am like a patchwork quilt of skin disease; it's really beautiful. I once told my best friend (who is a tattoo apprentice) that I thought tattooing around my scars would look really cool. She told me that was the worst idea she had ever heard, and in retrospect, it really was. Ew, imagine if I had done that?? How trashy is that? Tattooing around scars is one step above dolphin leaping over your asscrack (but only one step below Calvin peeing on a Ford logo, am I right?)

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