11.28.2008

I fell down the stairs this week.

It pretty much went down like this:


UPDATE!! Okay, so shortly after I posted this story about how I fell my ass down my stairs, I get an email in my inbox from this guy who is all "I think you should be made aware of these anti-slip thingamajiggs". I knew it! I knew that there was at least one of you out there who has a valued interest in my safety, and who doesn't wish me the worst! Validation, she is so sweet. Anyways, my eyes have been opened to the powerful healing properties of Stair Nosing. I know, right? You're like "wtf is this shit?"

Stair Nosing is an anti-slip edging solution intended to raise safety factors on staircases. This is something that could have been brought to my attention much sooner than after my fall, but whatever. You're not Sylvia Browne (hells, even Sylvia Browne isn't Sylvia Browne). Anyways, Jesus has opened my eyes and introduced my dumb ass to safety. First I'll tackle the stairs, then it's on to taking my radio off the edge of my bathtub and eliminating the need to fish stuck bagels out of the toaster with a fork. Go me!

11.27.2008

I think I found my husband.

When my roomate sent me this (thanks Julia) I knew it was going to be something special. She prefaced it by saying "have you heard about the guy who tried to pay his bills with a drawing of a spider?" and I knew...I just knew...there was another lazy, irresponsible soul out there for me. His name is David Thorne (Mayor Thorne...sigh) and he owed his utility company almost $250. So he did what any normal person would do - he mailed them a drawing of an adorable spider. Anyways, please read and enjoy (it's a bit long for me to copy and paste here).
Click here to read the emails, which pretty much sum up that Australia is a douchbag and won't let people just live their lives (if their lives involve deferring payment via drawings).

11.26.2008

Do, Date, or Dump: Wet Hot American Summer edition!!!

Aw jeah!!! In honour of it being cold as fuck outside, I have decided to think about summer and hottness and the only way I can do so is by thinking of David Wain's critically-acclaimed Oscar opus Wet Hot American Summer. Let's go!!

Coop (Michael Showalter)
Do, Date, or Dump? One hundred and sixty percent Date!! Coop is the best, and while I don't think I would 'want myself inside him' I would be more than happy to spend the rest of my life with him. Sigh! Also, if we are talking Michael Showalter (and not Coop) the answer is OHMYGODMARRY!!!

Katie (Marguerite Moreau)
Do, Date, or Dump? Ugh, Dump! She is a) a massive bitch, b) has bad hair, and c) steals two of my pretend boyfriends (Paul Rudd and Michael Showalter). So yeah, dump.

Andy (Paul Rudd)
Do, Date, or Dump? This is probably the most obvious answer on the list: Do.

Beth (Janeane Garofalo)
Do, Date, or Dump? Ugh, if this was real life and we were talking about Janeane Garofalo, then the answer is Date/Marry, because Janeane is one of my heroes. But because we are talking about Beth, and Beth is dorky and uggers and I hate (hate!) her wardrobe, then the answer is Dump. Oooh, sorry!! It felt bad saying it because Beth's character isn't that bad, but she doesn't have any good lines and Janeane's potential was underused.

Henry (David Hyde Pierce)
Do, Date, or Dump? I used to have such a crush on DHP in his Frasier days. I know, what was I smoking, right? But Henry is just too fidgety and awkward. Although I do love those glasses. Hmmm.....Do. But just once.

McKinley (Michael Ian Black)
Do, Date, or Dump? He's gay, so there is no way he would want to do me, but in a perfect world, Michael Ian Black would come to his senses and realize that we are meant to be together and it's not weird to write poetry about someone you've never really met and that photoshopping your pictures together to make a fake wedding album isn't weird or strange, but actually super-romantic, then the answer is Date.

Gail (Molly Shannon)
Do, Date, or Dump? Ahahahahaha, Date!! Gail is hilarious! I suppose I could see myself settling down with Gail. We can both buy pastel polos and buy matching headbands.

Victor and Neil (Ken Marino and Joe Lo Truglio, respectively)
Do, Date, or Dump? I would totally Do both of them. Yes! Even Neil!!! I have issues as far as the eye can see (..into Michael Ian Black's home).

Ben and Susie (Bradley Cooper and Amy Poehler, respectively)
Do, Date, or Dump? Let's see...Ben is, again, gay, so he will probably not want anything to do with me, but if we are talking Bradley Cooper, then the answer is Dump. What? He ruined Wedding Crashers for me. And Susie is a definate Dump as well, but in real life I would definitely become a Sister-Wife to Will Arnett and Amy Poehler.

Gene (Christopher Meloni)
Do, Date, or Dump? Gene is the best character in the whole movie, and something tells me that sex with a Vietnam Vet would be dynamic (or really crazy) so I'm gonna say Do. We can fondle our sweaters together!!

Can of Vegetables
Do, Date, or Dump? You know I would include that hot can of mixed vegetables in this list! I want to Marry that can. It's so wise.

As always, leave your thoughts in the comments!!

11.25.2008

A link to Villatype? Don't mind if I do!

It's Tuesday, which can only mean one thing - I am forgoing a good post and instead linking to my weekly Villatype article. Click here to read all he amazing type goodness, and come back tomorrow for another great Do, Date, or Dump. Peace!

11.24.2008

Short shit for a long slide.

Did anyone else notice that McKey won ANTM Cycle 11?
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I know, me neither. Ever since A-Channel moved ANTM on me I lost touch with watching it and then all of a sudden my worst fears came true; it got boring to me! I mean, it didn't help that the Final Three were McKey, Samantha, and Analeigh (aka The Ambien Trio). So yeah, that was that! McKey's weird sort-of Jane Lynch mug will be all over 1 Seventeen cover and then it's back to the UFC circut from whence she came. (I know I know, it's Mixed Martial Arts. But honestly? It's pretty much just UFC). So yeah, not too much more to say about McKey but zzzzzzzzz. Before you know it, TyTyBaby will have Cycle 12 all ready to go and we will be just wrapping up CNTM (which starts soon...TRAIN WRECK!!)

To wrap up today's post (sorry it's short, but I have a cold and I sound like Patty and Selma) here is an adorable picture of a momma cat, poppa cat and their little babies. For serious! It's a daddy cat who actually stuck around! I know, crazy right? Anyways, enjoy it.

11.18.2008

The Mighty Boosh, where have you been all my life??

Leave it to my 17-year-old cousin who lives in the boonies to introduce me to The Mighty Boosh. I wish I had a better post today, but I am sick again. Yeah, I know, right? I spoke to my moms and she said I wouldn't get so sick if I had a better diet; what's wrong with a diet that consists mainly of yogurt and Diet Coke? I know, makes no sense. Anyways, I am recovering in a pair of sweat pants with a Diet Coke by my side, embracing the sparkling joy of Old Greg. Please watch and tell me this is the best thing you have ever seen. Happy Tuesday night/Wednesday morning.

11.16.2008

Free Christmas Cards are Back!!!

That's right, friends and farts, The Skip-Raid's Christmas Cards have returned! There are only 37 days till Annual Gift-Giving Man will break into your house and eat your food. And what better way to surprise a loved one (or your worst enemy) than with a personalized card from The Mayor? But that's a shitty present, you say? Yeah, so are DVDs and scarves, but you guys keep giving me that shit year after year. Now, I haven't decided on the design yet - but I would love your suggestions for what to draw! Here is what you need to know about the cards this year:
- You will get a card with an adorable/offensive/TV-related image like the one above. This one was drawn for Gillian in San Fransisco who wanted a picture of cats eating tacos (naturally).

- Last year you got to pick what you wanted on the card. Thanks to all the tremendous interest last year, everyone got a great card, but the downside of this is that I have to make a million different cards. So this year, there will be one standard design; you just get to pick your message.

- I will have a choice between a Christmas card, a Hannukah card, and a Festivus card. Please specify which you would like.

- Please allow 1-2 weeks for delivery as the card will be coming from Canada. This year I can promise you will receive your card at least 2 weeks before Christmas (last year some of you were the recipients of Ukranian Christmas cards...ie. in the middle of January).

- Just like last year, the cards are 100% free (you don't even pay for the postage) but you have to promise me that you will donate money or your time to something meaningful. That doesn't mean tipping Cinnamin an extra dollar at the strip-club; it means helping someone out who might really need it. Capeishe?

To get a great Holiday card in the mail FOR FREE simply send your name, your mailing address, what card you want (Christmas, Hannukah, Festivus) and the message for the inside (Enjoy 8 Days of Shitty Gifts Izzy, See You at the Annual Feats of Strength, Merry Christmas Cinnamin) to skipraid@gmail.com. I look forward to sending this shit out, and please leave your submissions in the comments (or email them if you are shy).

11.13.2008

Do, Date, or Dump: 30 Rock edition!


That's right! Due to popular demand, I'm Do-ing, Date-ing, and Dumping the cast of 30 Rock. And, in honour of 30 Rock (and Judah Friedlander) we'll be playing Marry , Boff, Kill. I urge you to watch the opening credits just to get you all amped for this (the song has been playing in my head the whole time I was writing this).

But the big question is...do I DD or D their characters or the actors portraying them? Let's just do characters, k? For now it's easier (and I am a simpleton). Let's go!

Liz Lemon
Marry, Boff, Kill? You all know how I feel about Tina Fey (the best!) but what about Liz Lemon? Well, she's basically Fey which means...Marry! Tina Fey is one of 3 very select ladies I would switch teams for. As I said to my best friend one time "I don't think I could do the sexy stuff, but I will sure as hell be the best damn wife she's ever had". (I'm sure you are wondering who the other two are, and the answer is, very obviously, Amy Sedaris and Myself. I am irresistable).

Jack Donaghy
Marry, Boff, Kill? Boff, for sure! I love Jack Donaghy, but I don't think I would want to marry him. Why? Too much drama; I don't want Bianca kidnapping me in exchange for the Arbys in Telluride.

Tracy Jordan
Marry, Boff, Kill? This was a tough one, but I am going to say Boff and not Marry. I can handle a lot of crazy, but I can't handle that much crazy.

Kenneth
Marry, Boff, Kill? Ugh, Kill. I don't like Kenneth's character. Sorry! But you had to hear it.

Jenna Maroney
Marry, Boff, Kill? KILL! I really do not like Jane Krakowski, and she is ruining the show. She poisoned Ally McBeal and now she's poisoning 30 Rock. Everything the woman touches turns to pink fluffy shit.

Josh
Marry, Boff, Kill? Marry! Love him.

Frank
Marry, Boff, Kill? Well, since it is my dream (dream!) to marry Judah Friedlander, then I will obviously choose to Marry Frank, too. Ugh, he's so dreamy!!!

Pete
Marry, Boff, Kill? Uh....hmm...Boff, I guess. Ew, did I just say I would have sex with balding Pete? Yep, can't take it back now.

Cerie
Marry, Boff, Kill? Her character is so annoying, so definitely Kill.

Grizz and Dot Com
Marry, Boff, Kill? Move to Utah and Marry them both.

11.11.2008

Another fucking link (larkin).

I know, but honestly? I need to promote this shit. I also feel the need to reassure you that I am not some CHUD who lives in a basement and only writes for their own blog. Anyways, enjoy this week's Are you there Fonts? It's me, The Mayor at Villatype. Click here to read all the meaty goodness.
Peace, knitters.

11.09.2008

Everyone has Puppy Fever!!


Since I posted this link last week, I have received more emails and unsolicited phone calls in the Skip-Raid's history. You guys are really crapping your pants over these puppies, aren't you? Look, I don't blame your asses; puppies are the shit, and these ones are no exception. As my Mother says "I just want to reach through the screen and grab one". Will you grab one for me too, Moms? I like the one in the blue collar.

But what do we know of the puppies? (I know, these are the pressing issues. Move over, Barack). Let's get the facts on our new Overlords from Planet Pupulon.

- The puppies are Shiba Inus, not Akitas. DON'T MAKE THIS MISTAKE TWICE!

- Their names are Autumn, Ayumi, Amaya, Aki, Akoni, Ando. I would have picked different names, but that is just me I guess. Aw, let's face it, I would have named them Poop-poop, The Soup, Fat Britney Spears, Russel Brand, Tim & Eric, and Crapface Turdcam. I guess theirs have more of a universal appeal.

- They are 5 weeks old. STAY THAT WAY, PLS.

Anyways, go ahead and click the link up at the top to see what the fuss is about. If you don't get it or don't waste your whole day watching it, then you have no soul and you are a jerk and what's it like to not like puppies, you anus? What? Exactly.

11.06.2008

Lazy-ass Linkday

Oh, come on - you knew it was coming. Just sit back and enjoy all the fantastic things I found this week*

How the Republicans Will Solve Their Problems (Holy Taco)

Upload a jpg of your ugly mug and put it on someone else. I am partial to the Sikh Warrior one (Face in Hole)

The English translation of one of my favourite Halloween-themed Têtes à claques. My mom loves this one (Têtes à claques)

SNL Digital Short: Ras Trent. I have watched this so much since it aired 2 weeks ago (SNL/NBC)

Night School Musical (SNL/NBC)

The annual College Humor Halloween Costume Contest. Sadly, this year my sister is not in it (College Humor)

A live feed of adorable puppies (I dunno...some weirdo's website in North Dakota?)

A video of Sherri Sheppard from The View that will melt your cold icy heart (Jezebel)

*most were found by readers (in particular, Marina from Sudbury, Ontario. She also just had a baby and still has time to send me amazing links. What did you do for me this week? What? Exactly).

11.03.2008

I think I'm back to my old self.

If my extensive and thought-provoking post on the bangables and not-so-bangables of SNL from yesterday has taught you anything, it’s that I am starting to get my shit together. It’s been a rough couple of months (rough like a sandpaper blowjob) and I think I am starting to get back on my feet again. My life was sort of like Forgetting Sarah Marshall (I play the Jason Segel part, btw) but instead of seeing the person everyday in Hawaii, it was in the apartment we shared, and instead of drowning your sorrows in a rock opera about Vampire puppets, it was can after can of Diet Coke and Chocolate Mint Girl Guide cookies. Needless to say, I have had a lot of time to be with my thoughts, and now that I am finally on my own, I have been reflecting and shit. Please enjoy the fruits of my reflecting.

2 Short Lists on Being Single

Being Single is Really Great
- I like that I don’t have to share by bed anymore
- I can drink Diet Cokes for dinner and no one will tell me I “need to eat better”
- I can talk about my TV/real life crushes out loud
- I will watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition without anyone telling me I am watching shitty TV
- I watched How I Met Your Mother for the first time, just because I wanted to oogle Jason Segel and Neil Patrick Harris
- I want to buy nice underwear now
- I can go to the mall for 4 hours if I want to
- I love pretending I give a shit when people talk about marriage (big mistake, suckers)
- I can do anything I want

Being Single Licks Homeless Assholes
- I am lonely as shit
- Christmas is the loneliest holiday for single people
- I want to go to the movies with someone
- I sometimes want to wake up on Saturday morning and have brunch with someone
- No one is here to laugh at my jokes
- I feel like I need to go to the gym
- I don’t like having to shave my legs

11.02.2008

Do, Date, or Dump: SNL Edition

What is crappening, folks? I love playing games like Would You Rather and Do, Date, or Dump (which also goes by Date, Marry, or Dump or Fuck, Marry, Murder, but I like the charming alliteration of Do, Date, or Dump). Anyways, this is a fun game to play with a show like The Hills or something full of hotties (Ew. Did I just use the term hotties?) but it's especially fun when you pick a group of people who aren't particularly good looking.

...and as always, please feel free to tell me which of my choices you agree with and which ones I was way off on...you always do (I softly brush the side of your face.) Ooh, wasn't that creepy?!? Let's do this! I have chosen the current cast because when you go back to past members, it's like, do you choose when they were on the show or what they look like now? (Chevy Chase then? Date. John Belushi now? Do! JK)

Fred Armisen
Do, Date, or Dump? Oh my god, date!! Fred Armisen is a God: he used to play drums for Trenchmouth, he's part Japanese, and he's divorced from super-ugly Sally Timms which means not only is he single, but I have no competition. I hope he's into extremely delusional girls.

Will Forte
Do, Date, or Dump? Holy shit, another date! I wish I could move this game to Utah and call it Pick Your Brother-Husbands. But honestly, I would only be dating Will Forte long enough to make friends with Eric Wareheim. And then I would make him mine. True Love Waits.

Bill Hader
Do, Date, or Dump? Do, for sure; Bill Hader is fine. He's got to do the Peter O'Toole voice while we're - EW! I don't think I need to finish that.

Darrell Hammond
Do, Date, or Dump? Dump. I love Darrell Hammond but I think he's a bit too old for me, and I don't want him to die on me. Sigh, he is very funny, but yeah. Dump.

Seth Meyers
Do, Date, or Dump? Dump. I really do not find Seth Meyers bangable.

Amy Poehler
Do, Date, or Dump? Dump. I would not switch teams for Amy Poehler. She's very funny, obviously, but I don't think she's terribly pretty. Her husband, however...do do do do do.

Andy Samberg
Do, Date, or Dump? Do, but goddamn! He needs to keep his mouth closed - the boy has some surriously messed up teefs.

Jason Sudeikis
Do, Date, or Dump? Another Do! I think he's a bit too...dare I say it...Brad-n-Chad for me. Something tells me his weekends are lots of Holister hats and Abercrombie polos. Maybe mandals. Or Puca shells. Ew! No! Just do, just do. And what about DD or D-ing his A-Hole character? Do, but I wouldn't tell a soul, and I would have to be allowed to chew gum the whole time.

Kenan Thompson
Do, Date, or Dump? Date Date Date!!! I would give my left nut (what?) to date Kenan from Good Burger. Plus I would always have pancakes on Saturday mornings and the freezer would always be stocked with Toaster Strudels. I'm a Food Digger - Kenan will keep his baby in chicken nuggets and Crossan'whiches.

Kristen Wiig
Do, Date, or Dump? Here is the main reason why I wouldn't switch teams for Kristen Wiig; I don't want to get upstaged. Kristen Wiig is so funny and super pretty, and I wouldn't want to be the ugly, less-funny one in the relationship. But (with an utt) I would totally Massachusetts Marry Tina Fey. I know she's not on the show anymore, but Tina Fey is the best. Can I sub-in Fey for Wiig? This is like a Fantasy Football thing, right?

Featured Players aka Featured DD or Ds:

Bobby Moynihan
Do, Date, or Dump? Um, I think I would say Do. I'm no chubby chaser, but I am a sucker for his man-chola character. He's cute. He gives me a bit of a John Belushi vibe (minus the crippling drug addiction), so yeah - I'd hit that ham hock.

Casey Wilson
Do, Date, or Dump? Ugh DUMP!!! I hate Casey Wilson! She is so bad on SNL. I can't believe people like Ben Stiller and Sarah Silverman got fired from SNL, and yet we have this assclown week after week. Unfunny. Not good at impressions. About as bad at cue-card reading as an Athlete/Politician host. Now that Amy Poehler is gone with her baby, this leaves us with Casey and Kristen, which means Kristen is going to have to work overtime to make up for Casey's dead weight (and I mean weight. CRUEL and I don't care).

Now I need your help - which TV show/cast should I do a Do, Date, or Dump about? Leave your suggestions in the comments!