Do, Date, or Dump: Wet Hot American Summer edition!!!

Aw jeah!!! In honour of it being cold as fuck outside, I have decided to think about summer and hottness and the only way I can do so is by thinking of David Wain's critically-acclaimed Oscar opus Wet Hot American Summer. Let's go!!

Coop (Michael Showalter)
Do, Date, or Dump? One hundred and sixty percent Date!! Coop is the best, and while I don't think I would 'want myself inside him' I would be more than happy to spend the rest of my life with him. Sigh! Also, if we are talking Michael Showalter (and not Coop) the answer is OHMYGODMARRY!!!

Katie (Marguerite Moreau)
Do, Date, or Dump? Ugh, Dump! She is a) a massive bitch, b) has bad hair, and c) steals two of my pretend boyfriends (Paul Rudd and Michael Showalter). So yeah, dump.

Andy (Paul Rudd)
Do, Date, or Dump? This is probably the most obvious answer on the list: Do.

Beth (Janeane Garofalo)
Do, Date, or Dump? Ugh, if this was real life and we were talking about Janeane Garofalo, then the answer is Date/Marry, because Janeane is one of my heroes. But because we are talking about Beth, and Beth is dorky and uggers and I hate (hate!) her wardrobe, then the answer is Dump. Oooh, sorry!! It felt bad saying it because Beth's character isn't that bad, but she doesn't have any good lines and Janeane's potential was underused.

Henry (David Hyde Pierce)
Do, Date, or Dump? I used to have such a crush on DHP in his Frasier days. I know, what was I smoking, right? But Henry is just too fidgety and awkward. Although I do love those glasses. Hmmm.....Do. But just once.

McKinley (Michael Ian Black)
Do, Date, or Dump? He's gay, so there is no way he would want to do me, but in a perfect world, Michael Ian Black would come to his senses and realize that we are meant to be together and it's not weird to write poetry about someone you've never really met and that photoshopping your pictures together to make a fake wedding album isn't weird or strange, but actually super-romantic, then the answer is Date.

Gail (Molly Shannon)
Do, Date, or Dump? Ahahahahaha, Date!! Gail is hilarious! I suppose I could see myself settling down with Gail. We can both buy pastel polos and buy matching headbands.

Victor and Neil (Ken Marino and Joe Lo Truglio, respectively)
Do, Date, or Dump? I would totally Do both of them. Yes! Even Neil!!! I have issues as far as the eye can see (..into Michael Ian Black's home).

Ben and Susie (Bradley Cooper and Amy Poehler, respectively)
Do, Date, or Dump? Let's see...Ben is, again, gay, so he will probably not want anything to do with me, but if we are talking Bradley Cooper, then the answer is Dump. What? He ruined Wedding Crashers for me. And Susie is a definate Dump as well, but in real life I would definitely become a Sister-Wife to Will Arnett and Amy Poehler.

Gene (Christopher Meloni)
Do, Date, or Dump? Gene is the best character in the whole movie, and something tells me that sex with a Vietnam Vet would be dynamic (or really crazy) so I'm gonna say Do. We can fondle our sweaters together!!

Can of Vegetables
Do, Date, or Dump? You know I would include that hot can of mixed vegetables in this list! I want to Marry that can. It's so wise.

As always, leave your thoughts in the comments!!


alice said...

I haven't seen this movie in forever - it's time. Christopher Meloni, Paul Rudd and that sweet talking can of veggies - too much hotness for one movie!

Tina said...

Oh don't tell me, don't even tell me you have crabs.

ilana said...

No.... Yes, but that's not the point.

The Mayor said...

If you wanna smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass - just be honest about it. Look, Gene, I've never told anyone this before, but I can suck my own dick, and I do it a lot.

Shaun R. said...

Why does everyone like Janeane Garofalo so much? Woof. She stinks the joint up in this movie. Actually, when has she ever been funny? I think girls pretend to like her because she was their imaginary dykey guidance counselor when they had no friends during their last year of braces. Tenth grade. Open challenge to the Mayor: post one hilarious Janeane Garofalo clip. Just one. Prove me wrong. As it stands, I think that Dane Cook could out-riff her.

Anonymous said...

While we're waiting for the Mayor's clip all you need to do is review ANY scene with JG's character Heather Mooney from Romy and Michelles' High School Reunion.....FUNNY!!