I think I'm back to my old self.

If my extensive and thought-provoking post on the bangables and not-so-bangables of SNL from yesterday has taught you anything, it’s that I am starting to get my shit together. It’s been a rough couple of months (rough like a sandpaper blowjob) and I think I am starting to get back on my feet again. My life was sort of like Forgetting Sarah Marshall (I play the Jason Segel part, btw) but instead of seeing the person everyday in Hawaii, it was in the apartment we shared, and instead of drowning your sorrows in a rock opera about Vampire puppets, it was can after can of Diet Coke and Chocolate Mint Girl Guide cookies. Needless to say, I have had a lot of time to be with my thoughts, and now that I am finally on my own, I have been reflecting and shit. Please enjoy the fruits of my reflecting.

2 Short Lists on Being Single

Being Single is Really Great
- I like that I don’t have to share by bed anymore
- I can drink Diet Cokes for dinner and no one will tell me I “need to eat better”
- I can talk about my TV/real life crushes out loud
- I will watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition without anyone telling me I am watching shitty TV
- I watched How I Met Your Mother for the first time, just because I wanted to oogle Jason Segel and Neil Patrick Harris
- I want to buy nice underwear now
- I can go to the mall for 4 hours if I want to
- I love pretending I give a shit when people talk about marriage (big mistake, suckers)
- I can do anything I want

Being Single Licks Homeless Assholes
- I am lonely as shit
- Christmas is the loneliest holiday for single people
- I want to go to the movies with someone
- I sometimes want to wake up on Saturday morning and have brunch with someone
- No one is here to laugh at my jokes
- I feel like I need to go to the gym
- I don’t like having to shave my legs


The Prom King said...

Chin up. Would it be inappropriate if I hit on you through comments?

...I won't, but just asking.

You know what rhymes with "Sunday Brunch"?

The Mayor said...

uh...."hot lunch"? I dunno. Hot Karls? If it is hot and involves poo, then I am not into it.

Alice said...

I hate being asked how I can watch that "crappy tv show" as I get my weekly ANTM fix while my significant other watches "Mythbusters" and "How It's Made" and lectures me about the importance of watching shows that are more intellectually valid.

I hated science class in school and I don't want it on tv while I eat my dinner. Plus bald nerds in berets are just sad.

alex davey illustrations said...
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The Prom King said...
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The Mayor said...
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The Prom King said...
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emily said...

im going to go ahead and agree with you and alice about the "shitty tv shows" so what if i like shows about people following their dreams to a) be a model, b) have a safe new house to live in, c) be a fashion designer...its my right, so fuck you.

those lists are both correct. however, there is a great brunch at a place called disgraceland on bloor...the eggs benny won't make you feel alone at all.

oh, and razor blades are on sale at shoppers right now.

alex davey illustrations said...
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doctor.neine. said...

mayor, you should feel good about being single. you have one up on me. i've been single my ENTIRE life. which is really sad. but being single is awesome, you can do whatever the hell you want. more power to you.