12.31.2008

Year End Review: You Tube Clips!!!

Hey guys! This is my favourite of all my Best-Of series, because nothing brings me more joy than to clip-down some amazing clips! This year was a banner year for YouTube; less song parodies, more people falling. Terrific. Are you ready to see my favourites yet? Welcome to my...
10 FAVOURITE YOUTUBE VIDEOS OF 2008!


10. Food Fight
At first I was like "ugh, typical smug North American turd makes a shitty animation about how boo-hoo-hoo America is killing everyone" and then I watched it a second time and realized I was the idiot and that this is actually very clever. It's like High School - the first time around is dumb and you don't learn anything. But now that I'm tutoring High School students, I'm re-learning all the cool stuff about History and shit. Did you know that Canada had a New Deal in the 30s, just like the US, but ours was shittier? NOW YOU KNOW!!


9. Adorable Bride and Groom
I really like that this couple just said "fuck it. Today is our day and we can do whatever the hell we want" and they have what looks to be the best wedding reception I have ever seen. Know what I love most? That they don't have this too-cool-for-school attitude about the whole thing; I sincerely hope they don't get divorced.


8. Creepy Ninja Cat
THIS CAT IS FREAKING ADORABLE!!!


7. "Where's Satan?"
...And speaking of adorable dogs! I would have loved to put the Shiba Inu 6 in this list, but they aren't on YouTube (doye). I was cruising for Shiba videos on YouTube a while ago and stumbled across this one. Why does the dog hate Satan so much? How did the dog come to hate Satan? Is this dog Zuul?


6. Spiders on Drugs
I hate spiders, but I do love this video. So charming and cute, it made me appreciate spiders just a bit more this year.


5. Old Greg
I want the Old Greg song played at my wedding. I told my mother this and she just shook her head, because she knows that I am only half kidding. I really love this song. Imagine if me and my husband did a duet to it?? Think about how killer that might be. Well, actually, more embarrassing than killer.


4. Crazy Christian Mom from Trading Spouses
Isn't gluttony a sin? That's what I thought.


3. Scarlet Takes a Tumble
Why isn't this woman famous? Beyonce should have picked Scarlet as one of her back-up dancers for Single Ladies, because bitch has moves. I haven't seen footwork that slick since I fell down my own stairs a month ago.
PS - a month later and my ankle is still healing; I should have seen a doctor. Whoops! Me mistake.


2. "I'm Walking on Sunshine!"
Everytime I clean my keyboard at work, I put my face close to the can and think "would it be that bad? Is duster really that much of a gateway drug? I want to walk on sunshine" but I never do it because a) getting high at work is a big-time no-no (unless you are my lazy, out-of-work bum ex-boyfriend) and b) getting high from Duster? No thanks - that's ghetto with a G. I'd rather the natural high from cracking a cold can of DC.


1. Massive Zit on Massive Hottie
You all know that this video ruled my life this year. I cannot say enough about the majesty that is the Handsome Surfer Guy Getting a Cycst Punctured with a Knife video. This video is the creme-de-la-creme of this year for several reasons:
1) It is gross and I love gross shit.
2) Popping zits is very satisfying (don't act like you're above it)
3) Hotties. That guy is like a mix between Heath Ledger and the guy who comes to your house to check the hydro meter. I could easily make a joke about me letting him bust another kind of white substance all over me, but I am too demure and classy and highbrow for that kind of tasteless joke. But really, zit videos on YouTube are usually starring some greasy-ass, fat tub of lard with an armpit cycst or some Mexican kid with pimples in his patchy teenstache. It is nice to see a very attractive dude casually sipping a beer while he takes a knife to the back.
4) Momentum. This is a big one! From the minute the video starts till the end when they pull out the cheese (ew. I should not be writing this while hung-over) you are enthralled with what happens! You cheer when they make that first poke! You cry when they push it out of the skin! You can practically smell the disgusting smell! Oh god, I just barfed.
5) Video Quality. The lighting is perfect, the angles are spot-on, the sound isn't muffled. It is truly a marvel of modern cinema.

So I salute you, Zit Hottie! You are this years Chongalicious!

12.29.2008

Year End Review: Talking Pictures

Welcome back, friends! I trust you all had a good Christmas/Hannukah? I certainly did; I am not kidding when I say that I think I ingested about 4000 calories every day of the holidays. Anyways, it's time for the rest of the 2008 roundup! Now, unless you've been living under a rock, you know by now that The Curious Case of Oscar Bait has been placed high atop many a film critic's Best-Of lists. Not mine. Why? Because I chose to see Marley and Me instead. Was it worth it? Yes, actually - it wasn't tragically cheesy (in fact, it was quite charming). So my countdown to the best films of 2008 will be a little more sparse than most film critics. Can you blame me? How am I supposed to do a review of Man on Wire when I went to see Sex Drive instead? Exactly. So here it is, my...
8 FAVOURITE FILMS OF 2008!

8. The Dark Knight
I know, pretty obvious choice. However, I need to stress this – I hated (HATED) Batman Begins. I hated Christian Bale, I hated Michael Caine. I hated Katie Holmes. I hated sitting in the Fairview Mall Rainbow Cinema for 2 hours watching that steaming pile. I hated that stupid Batmobile. The Sandman was a gay villain, I hated him too. But I really loved The Dark Knight. I thought it was terrific. It definitely made up for the end of Batman Begins, when I stood up in the theatre and yelled “lame!” and stormed up to the box office, demanding my $9 back.

And for the 10 or so people who still haven’t seen The Dark Knight? Oh yeah, Heath Ledger is as good as everyone says he is.

7. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Why is FSM on this list? Two reasons:
1. Russell Brand
2) Vampire Puppet Rock Opera

6. Pineapple Express
I really hope that fame doesn’t go to Seth Rogen’s head, because he is too good for that shit. Moving on, though, my favourite part about Pineapple Express was, by far, their friend Red.

5. Be Kind Rewind
Ugh, nobody liked this movie!! I have no idea why – it was really an amazing piece of film. Terrific little story, visually amazing (thanks to Michel Gondry) and Mos Def, Mos Def, Mos Def. Me talking about Mos Def usually sounds like a woman in the 90s talking about Brad Pitt.

4. JCVD
Amazing.

3. Role Models
The Onion’s AV Club gave it an A. Rotten Tomatoes rates it at 76% Fresh. IMDB give it a 7.9 out of 10. And yet, nobody listed this on their end-of-year Best-Of lists. Why? I dunno, maybe they still haven’t forgiven Paul Rudd for Over Her Dead Body. But still, when this shit comes out on DVD, you NEED to see it. So effing hilarious.

2. Let The Right One In
I haven’t seen this yet (I did this last year with Walk Hard, and yes – it was all I expected it to be) but all my friends tell me it’s amazing, so I choose to believe them. I can’t wait to see it.

1. WALL-E
Son Of A Nutcracker, WALL-E is amazing. I cried so much at it!! Holy shit, this is seriously the best movie all year. WALL-E and Eve FTW!!!

12.24.2008

Mawy Kwissmouse!

Good morning, my little turds! Today is the most precious of days - the day that Baby Santa was born. Kidding! Little Baby Jesus Day is tonight! I don't know about you, but tonight I'll be chowing down on white fish from a jar and fried cabbage (soo-wee) followed by having a sleep-over with my skank sister (who will no doubt kick the shit out of me while I sleep) and cuddle my dog (who always smells like furry angels).

So no matter who you are, or where you are, you will enjoy Christmas to the fullest. I will be back on the 29th - until then, please enjoy this little nugget. I will be watching A Christmas Story tonight in my PJs with my family.


Love you all! See you in 4 days!!

12.22.2008

Year End Review: Telebishin

Good morning friends!! I trust you all had a good weekend. And to my Jewish readers (all 7 of you) I hope you had funning spinning dreidels last night (...and for the next 7 nights). Anyways, I took some heat over my choices for last week's 2008 Internet picks (what is this, The Webbys?) so I will no doubt get many a rolling eye or sarcastic scoff over my...
12 13 FAVOURITE TELEVISION SHOWS OF 2008

12. Fringe
Typically I don't give a rat's ass about new network shows; they usually suck and are cancelled after about 3 episodes, so I just can't be bothered giving them a try. I will be honest when I say that the only reason I started watching Fringe is because Pacey Witter is in it. But I was surprised, because it's actually good. I don't see it lasting (as there are more than enough sci-fi crime solving shitshows on network right now) but I have thoroughly enjoyed every episode I have seen so far.

11. Mad Men
I know, I know - everybody loves Mad Men.

10. Human Giant
I am very much in love with Aziz Ansari, but I know he is too short for me. I am very very tall and he is very very tiny. Paul Scheer's teeth make me uncomfortable. Rob Huebel reminds me of a Jason Sudeikis/Rob Riggle hybrid. Human Giant is brilliant (I hate using terms like Brilliant, but any show that features H. Jon Benjamin is just that).

9. The Andy Milonakis Show
Two nights ago I had a dream that I was dating Andy Milonakis. We got into a ton of fights and I eventually broke up with him cause I didn't like dating a 14-year-old look-a-like. Then he called be a predjudiced bitch and said that me breaking up with him is the same as dating Peter Dinklage and then breaking up with him because he 'doesn't look normal'. I then zinged him by saying that his theory didn't work because Peter Dinklage looks like the 39-year-old that he is. Ouch. I felt really bad. Andy Milonakis reminds me so much of this one Batman: The Animated Series episode about a child star with a growth-hormone condition.
(Ed. note - it was the episode about Mary Dahl)

8. Ace of Cakes
I love baking and I love icing cakes. I'm fairly decent at it, but all my stuff looks like piles of cat puke after I watch Duff Goldman throw together a Bar Mitzvah cake. Also, if you ever watch AoC, you will be familiar with Geof. I LOVE GEOF!!!

7. American Dad
Family Guy is terrible. This we all know. But I actually watch American Dad week after week, and it is very very watchable!

6. MTVs The Paper
Holy shit, was I ever addicted to this show back in February of 2008. I watched every episode 3 times. I then turned a co-worker into a Paperhead, and she turned a friend onto it. And so on. And so forth...

5. How I Met Your Mother
This show is getting a bad rap because I think a lot of people are confusing it with your average shitty CBS sitcom (like According to Jim) and it isn't. For the love of god, it isn't!! Anything with NPH is great. Thanks for playing, see you never.

4. 30 Rock
Ooh, how the mighty have fallen. Last year I have 30 Rock the prestigious spot at #1, but this year it failed to keep me interested. The writers strike, wacky plots (Jennifer Aniston? Really?) and Tina Fey becoming pretty egomaniacal (admit it, she is. Her head is like a swollen watermellon). But Tracy Morgan and Judah Friedlander save it for me week after week, and Jane Krakowski isn't totally irritating me as of late (which is good, cause she can be a pain in the ass).

3. Flight of the Conchords
Brit and Jimmaine are Jesus. It's a kimmra phone.

2. Judge Judy
There is no show I watch every single day, twice a day, 1/2 hour worth of clips on YouTube, more than Her Holiness herself, Judge Judith Sheindlin. I can only pray that I will be 1/18th as hot as her when I'm a memaw. Memaws delivering swift justice! One time this woman told me that she didn't like JJ because she said she thinks that JJ picks on the scuzzy Defendants (aka JJ be profiling). Fuck you, bitch!! I just about came through the phone and slapped a ho for talking that shit! JJ sets liars and lowlives straight and that janky-ass ho can't handle the troof!

1. Law & Order: SVU
Dundun!! You know I love me some SVU. This year is got good. Stabler got hotter (how is that possible?), Mariska started to get prison-rape flashbacks, Ice T stepped up to the plate and became a good-ass detective, Angela Bower came back (yess!!!), and John Munch became my personal hero. There is nothing about SVU I don't like. It's the best, Jerry - the best!

UPDATE!!! A very smart reader noticed that I didn't include The Soup. How could I not?!?! I fell asleep at the wheel, people, and I just hit a bus full of school children and grannies. Allow me to fix this:

The Real #1. The Soup
Dear Joel McHale
I am so sowwy that I forgot you, Spaghetti Cat, Lou the Chihuahua, and little Seth Green. I can't believe how negligent I have been; I will blame it on my day-to-day abuse of Ambien-PM.
Luv, The Mayor

12.18.2008

Year End Review: The Innernet

Ho! It's that time of year again! Time for everyone and their Mom to do a year-end countdown of their favourite people, movies, sandwiches (mine is a BLT) et al. And just like last year, I'll be counting down a few things that were running my life over the past 12 months. The 2007 Best Of began with my favourite YouTube parody videos, but sadly - this is a category I don't have for 2008. I know, but honestly? I gotta keep it fresh for you people (otherwise, the hate mail I get...sheesh). Anyways, this year I'm starting with...
13 FAVOURITE WEBSITES OF 2008

13. Cake Wrecks
I wish I had thought of this blog. Sidebar, this woman just got a book deal. Are we not screening book deals anymore?? What the hell?

12. Wikipedia
I know that this might be an odd choice, but I spend a good deal of my day looking up trivia. Add that to the list of 1000 Reasons I'll Probably Die with My Cats. (Kidding, I don't have any cats. I'll die alone)

11. Fail Blog
Leave it to my new roomates to introduce me to something I should have already known about. My only wish is that Fail Blog updated 30 times a day.

10. The AV Club
If there was any group of people I am really, truly jealous of, it's Noel Murray, Keith Phipps, Nathan Rabin, Tasha Robinson, Scott Tobias. They are all 100% smarter than you. Just give up, k?

9. Street Carnage
VICE was cool. Then Gavin McInnes left. Then VICE got a little less cool. Then Viacom bought VICE. Now VICE has a titch of the corporate sleazeball to it. Then Gavin took his name off the masthead (ooh, diss!). Now Gavin has Street Carnage, which is what Viceland should be (but never will be).

8. Ghost of the Doll
This one is for my friend Marina, who had like, 99% of the toys featured on this website. Click on any of the names, and you'll be transported back to your childhood. It will also bring up horrible memories of dissapointing Christmasses. Why did Santa never bring me a Watchimal?!?!?

7. Four Four
I am in love with Rich Juzwiak.

6. Jezebel
I used to read Bitch, but I find it really judge-y sometimes. So then I moved on to Bust (which used to be edited by Tracie Egan) which was okay, but it got a little too Nylon at times. I have finally found a great medium in Jezebel, plus on Fridays they air this thing which I don't want to say cause once I talk about stuff it becomes too popular and then I don't like it anymore because it starts to pander to it's 'new' audience of idiots and mouth breathers. Lauren J, you know what I'm talking about. Anyways, it's awesome (even if Tracie is becoming a bit boring).

5. LOL cats
Yes, they jumped the shark months ago; it doesn't make them any less adorable. I mean, I don't think they're the bee's fucking knees or anything, but LOL cats make me smile when I have a shit day.

4. Cracked
I believe Cracked was on the list last year as well. I'd also say that last year they were batting 1000 (is that even the right phrase?) Anyways, 1/2 the articles are a little boring (because they are letting anyone and their mom write for them) but that other 1/2 are fucking hilarious. And strangely very informative, too.

3. Facebook
I hate Facebook. I really do. But it doesn't mean I don't check it 300 times a day.

2. Shiba Inu Puppy Cam
I will say this right now - my Mother will kill me for not putting the Shiba Inu 6 at the Number 1 spot. I can already see her making a screw face and yelling at her computer going "Dlisted is just garbage!! Puppy Cam is the reason the Internet was invented!" I need to stress that it was a very tough decision, because the Shiba Inu 6 ruled my life. Like, I would lie in bed in the morning and think I just don't wanna do it today. I don't wanna get out of bed. And then I would think about watching Puppy Cam, and I would bolt out of bed and run to work so I could sit there with a cold can of the DC and watch puppies sniff eachothers bumbums.

1. Dlisted
It was Number 1 last year, and it's Number 1 this year too. Why? Because Michael K is easily the funniest person on the Innernets right now. I have found that many of his made-up words have worked their way into my daily lexicon. Words like no-no hole, do not want, this fuckery, quit this bitch. And besides - he was the only person to update on the Shiba Inu 6 more frequently than the damn live camera itself. Michael K, you are my Rojo Caliente.

12.17.2008

Sorry, no post today

Frowny face emoticon, I know. But I'm currently compiling the End-of-Year Roundup for you all, so look forward to that tomorry, k? It's gonna be shit-pantsingly amazing.

And if you have any nominations for your favourite things of 2008 (TV, movies, websites, snackfoods, which of your children you like better) then email me at skipraid@gmail.com

I always forget a bunch of stuff, so go ahead and pre-remind me that I'm an idiot.

12.16.2008

Warning! This will seriously make you feel so sick to your stomach!!!


I need to preface this post by saying I am not a prude. I am pretty open to what people want to do in the privacy of their own home. You wanna dress up like a baby and have a stranger pour Beefaroni all over you? Go nuts, I don't care. I've made jokes in the past regarding myself, Adrien Brody, and the act of chest dumping, and while I'm 99% joking, there's also that 1% of me that says yeah, I'd totally let Adrien Brody poop on me. So while I'm about to make fun of the aformentioned video, you need to understand that it's because I'm pretty non-judgemental when it comes to sexy times (I hold the same beliefs as Dan Savage - no children or animals. I personally don't want to have sex with 8 strangers, Eyes Wide Shut-style, but if that's what you asked Santa for Christmas, well go right ahead).

Okay, so now that I have assured you that I am not some right-wing, ultra-Christian nut (like you needed convincing) this person is in love with a carnival ride.
.
.
.
Yes, you read that right. A carnival ride. Like, in love. And sexually. She truly believes (oh yeah...it's a she. I had to be told too) that the ride and her are meant to be married. Please skip to 7:00 for the weirdest part of the whole video, where it appears she connsumates their relationship.
I FELT LIKE I WAS BEING MOLESTED!!!!

I really don't get this - how can someone be in love with something. I can totally understand being in love with a pet (not sexually - that's just creepy) but when you are 90 years old and live alone, Whiskers becomes your partner. I get that. I get that my parents truly love their dog as if it was their child. I totally understand that. I also get when people are truly attatched to plants; my ex-boyfriend, for example, grew cacti. He definitely treated the cacti like his soulmates. This is why he is now my ex-boyfriend. Hey-o! (Kidding, there were many reasons).

But to be in love with a thing? You all know I would cut off my fingers for a Diet Coke, but do I want to marry the 2L bottle sitting in my fridge? Hells no! There is nothing sexual about Diet Coke. It's damn delicious, but I'm not about to pour it all over me and videotape it for YouTube.

The long and short of it is - there are people out there with some pretty weird kinks. And I'm not one to judge (unless it involves minors or animals, you sick fuck) but should I be judging this woman? If someone wants to fall in love with a blender, should I call them a fucking toolshed? I am torn. Was this woman dropped on her head and fed lead paint as a child, or is she just into some different shit?

I'm going with the first one. This bitch is nuts.

12.15.2008

10 Days till Christmas

I know that this picture has been everywhere from Boing-Boing to Reddit to The Drudge Report, but that still doesn't make it very very clever. Also I came into work last week, and someone in my office had changed my computer background to this. I don't know why people complain so much about working in an office - it's really not that bad. I mean, it can get a little Office Space at times, but it's not the corporate nightmare people imagine it to be. I actually really get along well with my coworkers. And yes, we do celebrate everything with cake.

Speaking of my office, big ups to my boss for having a baby this weekend! He looks like a little chicken nugget and is adorable. I bet he smells amazing (all babies do).

Christmas is coming soon, which means you need to put in your orders for SkipRaid Christmas Cards soon!! Click here to get all the details on your very own card SIGNED BY THE MAYOR! I know, right?
To tie you over till you get yours in the mail, click here. YOU WILL LOVE IT!!

And just for funners, here's Kanye's SNL performance of Love Lockdown from two nights ago. I dedicate this one to my Moms who LOVES this song. Sorry Mama, but Kanye is nothing without Auto Tune. I'm not one to promote lip synching, but...well, I think you know where I am going with this. This is just terrible. I will say this - that backdrop is some Jostens hotness. Colbert for the win!!

12.12.2008

Super Sad Day

One of my personal heroes, Bettie Page, died yesterday in Los Angeles after suffering from a heart attack. Obviously it was bound to happen - the woman was 85 - but it still makes you super sad. In case you've been living under a rock (or wasn't as into Rockabilly as I once was) Bettie was a men's magazine and fetish model in the 50s, and was one of the earliest Playboy models. But the best thing about Bettie is that she quit that bitch in the 60s so that she could remain mysterious. Also to become a Baptist missionary, but that's a part I like to omit.

Anyways, Bettie was a class act and now she's up in heaven stripping for Jesus. RIP.

12.11.2008

Who, moi?


Ugh, I love me some Bitty Robot Baby. So adorable. Anyways, today is Thursday which can only mean one thing - I'm lazy. But really, isn't that every day? Anyways, today's post is just a link to my weekly Villatype article. Click here to read this week's amazing-ness. Not a word, don't give a shit. I would have written something better, but I need to get my ass to the grass and write an amazing application for Colin and Justin's Home Heist. Me and my two roomates decided last night that our crack-den needs a makeover. If you have ever been in my new home (there are at least 3 of you) you will know that my house is chock-a-block full of couches (3 in the livingroom) broken furniture (a futon in the sunroom) and sometimes, if you are lucky...and my mother, weed smells. Basically, I live in a palace that Alessandro di Medici would be jealous of.

Anyways, enjoy.

12.08.2008

Today is a dark-ass day.

I was not ready for this day to come. I had convinced myself that nothing was going to change, and that I would just keep on truckin'. I was wrong. Today is the real Black Monday. Everybodies favourite PUPPIES have gone from 6 to 3. That's right, 3 baby Shibas went to their new owners (aka Killjoys) and we now only have 3 left. We will no longer get to see Ando, Autumn and Akoni eat poop, sleep in a pile, play with their carrot, or sniff bumbums. I really don't think I can handle the day that Ayumi, Amaya, and Aki pounce off to happy homes (although rumour has it that Mumma and Poppa Shiba will be keeping Ayumi).

Shiiiiiiba Inus, I know this world is killing you.
Oh, Shiiiba Inus, my aim is true.

12.03.2008

Am I addicted to Coke?

Image courtesy of Toothpaste for Dinner.

So theres a joke around my office that I can't go a day without a Diet Coke (or 14). And no, I don't mean Diet fucking RC Cola or Diet Pepsi. Diet Coke, the DC. It's seriously so amazing; the taste is so crisp and clean and cola-ey. And seriously? Get off my back about fake sweetener slowly killing my ass - I don't give a shit. You could rent my stupid ass a scientist who would sit me down with hand puppets going you gonna die if you keep this shit up and I would be sitting there with my 8th DC of the morning nodding my head like a metronome.

So at the advice of one of my co-workers (who is probably fearful I wont see 30) advised me to use the 20-question checklist given to alcoholics. Let's see how I do:

1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking?

I think this one means have you ever had to take time off work due to drinking. Since my diet is mostly Diet Coke and candy, I get sick a lot. So yeah, I guess you could say that drinking too much DC has significantly compromised my immune system.

2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
Fuck no! One of my roomates drinks as much DC as me, so we are like two peas in a pod. But that bitch has sticky fingers - she takes my DCs all the time without replacing them. Jokes! She got me back tonight with Swiss Chalet.

3. Do you ever drink because you are shy with other people?

No. I'm usually wired to hell because of all the DC. I can't remember what down-time is.

4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?

Yeah, DC has turned me to a life of crime and casual sex. What does this question even mean?

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?

The only remorse I ever feel is when I pour a diet coke and forget about it. Warm, flat DC is so sad. Such a waste.

6. Have you ever gotten into financial difficulties as a result of drinking?

As long as I still have $6.99 for a 12 pack, I'm good.

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?

As I mentioned before, I don't do ghetto soda like PC Diet Cola or Diet RC, so no - I am not hanging out at the bowling alley with the Dominion cashiers (Alex and Jenn, you know what I'm talking about).

8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?

One time I was pretty involved with a DC on the couch and the cat fell down the stairs. Does that count?

9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
No, in fact I would say it has increased. Thanks, caffeine!

10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?

Oh yeah. All fucking day.

11. Do you want a drink the next morning?

10-4 little buddy.

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
No. Can you believe I can drink a DC 5 minutes before bed, and then crash for a full 8 hours? Believe it!

13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?

No, I'm still the same old Mayor.

14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
No, it's just Diet Coke.

15. Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?
Oh yeah, most definitely. That first smooth chug of a Diet Coke takes me away to a magical dreamland.

16. Do you drink alone?
Some of my best memories involve me in a warm bath or on a soft couch or slumped into the back of a public bus with a cold can of DC.

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?
Well, DC is pretty euphoric...kidding!

18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
My doctor doesn't give a shit about my Diet Coke drinking. I should also mention my Doctor's name is Dr. Teeth. I should also mention he's a Muppet.

19. Do you drink to build up your self confidence?
This one doesn't count at all when you are talking about Diet Coke. Imagine if you were? I'd be chugging 2L bottles before first dates.

20. Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

Ahahahahah, no! Can you imagine??

So yeah, apparently if I answer YES to more than 3, then it means I definitely have a problem with Diet Coke. It never crossed their mind to ask how many drinks I have a day? Cause I will tell you - the number is roughly 4 cans a day. This is an improvement from the summer, when I was drinking a minimum of 6 a day. Those were some crazy days.

Happy Wednesday, Friendos!!

Don't think you got out of another link to my weekly Graphic Design piece...I was just a day late. So here it is! This week's is pretty good and you don't have to be a Graphic Designer to get the jokes! Enjoy!!

12.02.2008

Now that I have cable...guess what's back??

Image courtesy of 14.

That's right...THE HILLS!!! I really truly feel like a POW who has escaped the evil clutches of their captors and returned to a life of normalcy. Anyways, here is what happened last night, and please try to remember that I am missing like 28 episodes between this one and my last Hills post, so I have a lot of catching up to do.

Lauren...is fighting off rumours that she slept with Justin Bobby. And when I say slept, I of course mean did the dirty hair shuffle. Now, I know that people are divided. Hell, in my house we can't even talk about it cause it gets us all riled up. But I for one truly believe Lauren let Justin stick his Bobby in her Beef Curtains. There, I said it! LC is a bitch and she takes what she can get.

Audrina...still has Downs Baby Ceiling Eyes. Poor, poor girl. But yeah, she was doing a lot of finger pointing at Lauren last night. Then she had a massive revelation with her less-Downsy sister and she went to apologize to Lauren for accusing her of getting down with the brown (cause you know Justin Bobby's peen is that dirty.)

Whitney...made a brief cameo doing what she does best. Asking How was your weekend? Her show, The City, starts in 2 weeks. This is good news for me, because mid-December I get pretty stressed and have trouble sleeping.

Heidi and Spencer...wow, where do I start with these two? First off, Spencer is jokes. He's a D-bag, but he can be pretty funny. He and Heidi and Stephanie (his Amanda Bynes/Frances Bean Cobain looking sister) go to visit their Nana in Huntington Beach. They then start shit in front of Nana. I would personally never do that to my Nana cause I love her, so my sister and I usually save that shit for the ride over/the ride home.

Lo-Clops...everybody's favourite uni-vision baby is back and being more of a shit-disturber than ever before. Also, I do not know what is going on with Lo's hair, but it looking pretty janky.

Brody...had one small scene where he was shirtless in the pool. I am glad the producers finally have their shit together.

So what happens next week on The Hills? Lauren is bound to get dramatic about something, Whitney makes the transition to her new show by having an 'interview' with Diane Von Furstenburg, Audrina continues to look like a pet-store puppy (aka the result of too much inbreeding) and Heidi and Spencer elope. And get married. But in Mexico, where their union isn't legal once they return home. Sigh, this show is not much more than a project from a remedial high-school creative writing class, isn't it?

Peace!

12.01.2008

Oh mah gawd, y'all! Did you watch For The Record last night?!?!?!


Okay, so I don't know where you were last night at 10pm, but I can tell you that I was sitting on my couch in my sweatty p's watching the amazingness that was Brit-Brit discussin' her life. And yes, she did drop all the Gs from her words; she has Sarah Palin syndrome (aka White Trash Speakin' Syndrome). So yeah, you best watch the video above before it gets taken down, but here are the revelations from last night (No question went unanswered!!! Well, so says the title card at the beginning. I am so sure the shit was edited out of it).

- Brit-Brit is sad, y'all! Like, really sad! She can't go to the grocery store with her babies!

- Brit-Brit doesn't understand why after she broke up with K-Fed she didn't move back to Louisiana. Why, y'all? Why didn't I do that, y'all?

- The most important things in Brit-Brit's life are her "two jewels" (her babies) and singin' music and dancin'.

- She actually looked really healthy and put together during the interview (I know...gasp! Her weave even looked decent).

- Brit-Brit doesn't think she's a very cool chick anymore. Ugh, who calls themselves a 'cool chick', anyways??

- Britney looked really happy when she was dancing in the studio. Like, really happy. You can hate her all you want, but you have to admit that homegirl can move.

- Brit-Brit did a great impression of her Papa on the Womanizer shoot. We sometimes forget that Britney is pretty funny.

- When asked about shaving her head, Brit-Brit said "lots of people shave their heads". Ummm, yes, and it's usually to raise money for cancer.

- Madonna makes a quick appearance, and she speaks without her fake-ass British accent. Where'd it go??

And that's about it. Brit-Brit just reiterated the fact that she is on her medemacashun and that she ain't got the crazy jitters no more. They never ask about Sam Lufti or Adnan Ghalib, which is what I wanted to hear about. They also never asked what drugs she has done. Well! That's what I always ask new friends!