Am I addicted to Coke?

Image courtesy of Toothpaste for Dinner.

So theres a joke around my office that I can't go a day without a Diet Coke (or 14). And no, I don't mean Diet fucking RC Cola or Diet Pepsi. Diet Coke, the DC. It's seriously so amazing; the taste is so crisp and clean and cola-ey. And seriously? Get off my back about fake sweetener slowly killing my ass - I don't give a shit. You could rent my stupid ass a scientist who would sit me down with hand puppets going you gonna die if you keep this shit up and I would be sitting there with my 8th DC of the morning nodding my head like a metronome.

So at the advice of one of my co-workers (who is probably fearful I wont see 30) advised me to use the 20-question checklist given to alcoholics. Let's see how I do:

1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking?

I think this one means have you ever had to take time off work due to drinking. Since my diet is mostly Diet Coke and candy, I get sick a lot. So yeah, I guess you could say that drinking too much DC has significantly compromised my immune system.

2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
Fuck no! One of my roomates drinks as much DC as me, so we are like two peas in a pod. But that bitch has sticky fingers - she takes my DCs all the time without replacing them. Jokes! She got me back tonight with Swiss Chalet.

3. Do you ever drink because you are shy with other people?

No. I'm usually wired to hell because of all the DC. I can't remember what down-time is.

4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?

Yeah, DC has turned me to a life of crime and casual sex. What does this question even mean?

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?

The only remorse I ever feel is when I pour a diet coke and forget about it. Warm, flat DC is so sad. Such a waste.

6. Have you ever gotten into financial difficulties as a result of drinking?

As long as I still have $6.99 for a 12 pack, I'm good.

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?

As I mentioned before, I don't do ghetto soda like PC Diet Cola or Diet RC, so no - I am not hanging out at the bowling alley with the Dominion cashiers (Alex and Jenn, you know what I'm talking about).

8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?

One time I was pretty involved with a DC on the couch and the cat fell down the stairs. Does that count?

9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
No, in fact I would say it has increased. Thanks, caffeine!

10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?

Oh yeah. All fucking day.

11. Do you want a drink the next morning?

10-4 little buddy.

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
No. Can you believe I can drink a DC 5 minutes before bed, and then crash for a full 8 hours? Believe it!

13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?

No, I'm still the same old Mayor.

14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
No, it's just Diet Coke.

15. Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?
Oh yeah, most definitely. That first smooth chug of a Diet Coke takes me away to a magical dreamland.

16. Do you drink alone?
Some of my best memories involve me in a warm bath or on a soft couch or slumped into the back of a public bus with a cold can of DC.

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?
Well, DC is pretty euphoric...kidding!

18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
My doctor doesn't give a shit about my Diet Coke drinking. I should also mention my Doctor's name is Dr. Teeth. I should also mention he's a Muppet.

19. Do you drink to build up your self confidence?
This one doesn't count at all when you are talking about Diet Coke. Imagine if you were? I'd be chugging 2L bottles before first dates.

20. Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

Ahahahahah, no! Can you imagine??

So yeah, apparently if I answer YES to more than 3, then it means I definitely have a problem with Diet Coke. It never crossed their mind to ask how many drinks I have a day? Cause I will tell you - the number is roughly 4 cans a day. This is an improvement from the summer, when I was drinking a minimum of 6 a day. Those were some crazy days.


elle said...

I think it's safe to say you could have much worse addictions... such as: the jonas brothers... murdering people... or worse, using comic sans.

Anonymous said...

The image you used for this post is by a lady who is responsible for a really great webcomic.

No courtesy links back, Mayor?

The Mayor said...

Whoah, you caught me. See what my drinking problem has made me do? I forget shit. Leave me alone!! I'm correcting it now, muffins.

Alice said...

The real question is: What happens when you don't get your diet coke?
Shakes? Extreme bitchyness? Will you hold up a 7-11, foaming at the mouth, on day 6 of being diet cokeless?