1.29.2009

ANTM Cycle 12: The Fugly Dozen

Okay, so in a few short weeks Ten-Head Tyra will be bringing the crazy (yet again) and presenting us with her next batch of Sears Catalogue rejects. I, for one, am pumped. Why? Because Cycle 11 was such a massive dose of Ambien and I think the producers felt the backlash; does anyone even know where McKey is now?? I'm gonna guess at a UFC fight...selling beers at the concession stand (hello, do you not remember how she was all into rasslin? At least she has that dream to fall back onto, right?)

So when I was told that Cycle 12 pictures had been released, I was like Ralphie with my Little Orphan Annie Secret Decoder Pin. Are you ready to meet this season's ragtag group of special-needs squirrels? Let's do this!

ALLISON
Ugh, this bitch is hurting for a makeover. I had that same haircut in Grade 10. I have a feeling that Allison will be gone-zo in the first or second week; she just looks so boring. I refuse to donate any more time talking about her for fear my brain will atrophy.

AMINAT
Why is she dressed up like Beyonce's stunt-double from Austin Powers in Goldmember? You know you've got problems when you base your "look" off the shittiest character from the shittiest film of an already shitty franchise.

CELIA
Jesus, Celia, take it easy - is there a reason why I'm getting so much cut-eye from you?? I feel like at any moment Celia's gonna launch at me with a thick Kennesaw accent "fack yoo, beey'ich, I ain't taking no pitsirs fer nobodies".

FO
That outfit is whack. Fo'sho.

ISABELLA
Ugh, who let the bartender from Whiskey-a-Gogo audition? I feel like the producers found this gem when they haplessly wandered into a Forever 21 and asked if they had any Meth-addicted Single Moms who still live at home and love to "party hard" with the boys.

JESSICA
This girl is smoking hot; if I actually cared what the hell I looked like, this would probably be the look I would go for. She is like a mixed-race Angelina Jolie. The only bad thing I have to say is about her shirt; that thing is TRAGIC.

KORTNIE
Jesus Christ Kortnie, Why So Serious? Are you looking at that eyebrow?? But forget about that wonk-ass eyebrow for a second; can we not all agree that the stupid-name-having orange-skin-being sorority-skank tard look is dunzo?

LONDON
'Ello, guvnah! Might I interest you in a heaping-helpin' of Downs Syndrome? Shine yor shoes for a nickle I wills!

NATALIE
Could she be any more bored? It's like she's putting in community service hours (being on ANTM counts. It's in the helping people with special needs volunteeing section. I checked. My probation officer advised me to choose the Senior's Centre because it was less frustrating and the elderly were far more coherant than Tyra).

NIJAH
What is going on with her boobs in this shot? It looks like she's modeling a cone-bra from the 1950s.

SANDRA
Sandra is straight-up Grace Jones fierce. Ew, did I just use the term fierce? I will be counting down to makeover time because HOMEGIRL NEEDS TO FIX THAT HAIR.

TAHLIA
Bitch, this is America's Next Top Model, not America's Next Top Stay-At-Home Mom. Where are they finding these rejects? (Answer: the grocery store)

TEYONA
Can we check this one for a penis? Kthanks.

1.26.2009

Ruh-roh

Remember when Jessica Simpson was reasonably attractive? Don't get me wrong, I always thought she was pedestrian and boring, but I can freely admit that she was pretty. You can hate the girl more than a sandpaper blowjob, but you can't describe her as ugly. Anyways, it appears those days are gone. Long gone. Long John Silvers gone, if you will (fried fish!)Click to enlarge, if you think you can handle the Hutt-ness.

People, the only thing doctored about this picture is the food, which has been painstakingly crafted in MS Paint by yours truly. And this picture is recent too; from this weekend. Here on Earth. I know, right? I mean, I'm trying not to be mean, but if I were Jessica Simpson, I would be at the gym every single day (because, let's face it...she really has nothing better to do. Am I right??) It looks like she's starting to become her Planet Hiltron picture...except fatter. It looks like she went on the Micheal Phelps diet. It looks like she's already held a Superbowl party...every day for the past 6 months. It looks like she gained all the baby weight Ashlee Simpson lost.

Okay, I'll stop. But for realy, it looks like she's auditioning for the role of Edna Turnblad in Hairspray 2.

Visit Dlisted for all the picture of Jessica being the grand marshall of a Florida Chili Cook-Off. Yes, Florida. Pembrooke Pines. BITCH COULDN'T EVEN BOOK TAMPA!!

I finally went to see The Rassler

It was fucking amazing.

1.23.2009

"You CANNOT be serious!!"

Thank you, John McEnroe, for the phrase that ultimately sums everything up for me. I think I use the phrase You cannot be serious! on a near-hourly basis.

And the Phrase of the Century was yelled last night as I exited the theatre from My Bloody Valentine (in 3D! Was it terrible? Naw. More just laughable. But we got SICK GLASSES. Jealous?). Anyways, I passed by the poster for Dance Flick and realized that, just when I thought Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer couldn't get any worse, someone beat them to the punch. THE WAYANS BROTHERS.
...the fuck??!? I honestly would expect this kind of garbage from Friedberg and Seltzer, but the Wayans Brothers? Well, actually, yeah - I would expect this kind of garbage from them. They are actually parodying Save the Last Dance in the poster, btw. Way to keep it current, fellas! Glad you could reference a movie made in the past 10 years (that, by the way, you already parodied in Scary Movie 2).

Of course, the Wayans Brothers are notorious for their thought-provoking stories and well-planned, carefully crafted plots (from IMDB):

A satirical jab at musical/dance films focusing on a naive girl who uses dance to achieve her dreams, and the street smart guy who helps her along the way.

Add to that the main character's name is Tracy Transfat, and I smell an Oscar (or am I smelling a hot catshit?). I mean, okay, I don't totally hate the Wayans Brothers movies. I effing LOVED Don't be a Menace. But White Chicks? Little Man? Things do not look good.

BUT there is one ray of hope. I checked out the cast and your hero and mine, Amy Sedaris, is listed simply as Ms. Cameltoe. Will I see Dance Flick just because I'm a rabit Amy Sedaris fan? Hay-yull no! If she's playing a character called Ms. Cameltoe, I'll just go rent Strangers with Candy.

1.22.2009

The Oscars are announced today!!

No, not that kind of Oscar. I was also toying with the idea of posting a picture of Oskar Shindler or one of those Oskar angled brooms (you know, the red and black ones?) but then I'd be grasping at straws far too early in the morning. Anyways, the Oscar nominations will be announced today, and that can only mean 1 thing - only 30 days till the ultimate in Hollywood Handjobs! Do you just hate the Oscars? Ugh, it's like everybody sits around going "I like you more"..."no I like YOU more!!" And they clutch that thing and stare into the sky like "God...this is...this is too much. This is...so much to me". Ugh, gag me.
...and I'll be updating them as they are announced, because I am a loser and I clearly need a life.

UPDATE! Here they are, in all their who-gives-a-shit? glory!

BEST GUY WHO CAN MEMORIZE HIS LINES
Richard Jenkins, The Visitor (didn’t see it)
Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon (didn’t see it, but hear he is good)
Sean Penn, Milk (SPICOLI!)
Brad Pitt, The Grandpa-Baby Movie (don’t want to see it)
Mickey Rourke, The Rassler (just give him the award now)

LADY WHO SHOWED BOOBS AND/OR MEMORIZED HER LINES
Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married (what? Not for Bride Wars??)
Saint Angelina, Changeling (I can’t wait to see her Bitch Face when she looses again!)
Melissa Leo, Frozen River (didn’t see it)
Meryl Streep, Doubt (won’t get it, but should)
Kate Winslet, The Reader (again, just give her the award now)

BEST GUY WHO WASN’T IN A MOVIE LONG ENOUGH TO BE NOMINATED FOR BEST ACTOR
Josh Brolin, Milk (meh)
Robert Downey Jr., Tropic Thunder (WHAAAA??)
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Movie About the Child Toucher
Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight (can we please let his 4-year-old daughter accept the award on his behalf? Wouldn’t that be adorable? Also it would make Saint Angelina SO PISSED)
Michael Shannon, Revolutionary Road (didn’t see it, don’t care to, liked it better when it was called Far From Heaven)

BEST LADY WHO WASN’T IN A MOVIE LONG ENOUGH TO BE NOMINATED FOR BEST ACTRESS
Amy Adams, The Movie About the Child Toucher (remember when she played the slut in Drop Dead Gorgeous?)
Penelope Cruz, Vicky Whatever Whatever
Viola Davis, The Movie About the Child Toucher (with Kate Winslet shut-out of this category, she’s totally gonna take it!!!)
Taraji P. Henson, The Grandpa-Baby Movie (she is not my favourite Henson. Jim. Jim is my favourite Henson)
Marisa Tomei, The Rassler (she already has an Oscar, and she’s not getting a second)

MOVIE THAT IS WITH CARTOONS AND NOT PEOPLE
Bolt (no)
Kung-Fu Panda (no)
WALL-E (…FOR THE MOTHER FUCKING WIN!)

BEST MOVIE THAT ISN’T WALL-E
The Curious Case of Who Gives a Shit (aka Forrest Gump 2. There, I said it)
Frost/Nixon (I might get around to seeing it)
Milk (does James Franco flash his peen in it? No? Then I’ll never see it. JK – I will on DVD)
The Reader (Nazis! Bewbs! Will I see this? Probably not!)
Slumdog Millionaire (this movie will win. There, I just saved you 4 and a half hours of your life)

1.19.2009

Canadian Food Tutorial Pt. 2

Hey Guys! How was your weekend? Now that thats out of the way, it's time for me to wallow in my own self crapulence. My weekend was SHITTY. I got super sick with a horrible cold right after work on Friday. Great timing God, I owe you one. Since I was bedridden (yeah, it was one of those kinds of colds - where you are shivvery and achey and so sleepy all the damn time) I didn't get to go to Monster Jam, I was forced to watch endless hours of E! True Hollywood Story, and I also added insult to injury by discovering that my passport expires 2 weeks before I go on vacation (PS - I'm going on an AMAZING trip that will be profiled everyday on The Skip-Raid. More to come about that later).

So since I am still the physical representation of a Thumbs Down, I have decided to continue with Friday's post on Canadian Foods. I realized (thanks to the comments) that I never really touched on what a Beaver Tail is, and that there are a lot more foods I could have mentioned. So let's do this! Let's get down on Part Two!!

Ketchup Chips
I cannot BELIEVE that they don't sell ketchup chips in the states. I mean, they are the most delicious flavour! I know that they sell ketchup chips in England, but they are dirt nasty. One time my ex-bf bought a huge bag of Herrs Ketchup Chips (although I think they were called Catsup Crisps) and THEY WERE NOT DELICIOUS. Now, I have included 3 bag images above to school you that not all KCs are the same. The first is Lays, arguably the most popular and well-known of the chips. I personally HATE these. They used to be delicious until Lays fucked with their recipes (their Dill Pickle chips now too taste like assholes). The second is Old Dutch, which are good in a pinch; you will usually find these at gas stations and Hospital vending machines. The third is Humpty Dumpty aka White Trash Chips. Oh my god, I LOVE these! The taste is perfect; they also do a stellar Dill Pickle and their Salt and Vinegar is TO DIE FOR.

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? Pretty Hosery I guess, but we really aren't known for our chips. I would rate this a beaver and a moose mating (a Meaver).

Swiss Chalet
Oh my god, how much do we love our Swiss Chalet?? Just like Kraft Dinner, Swiss Chalet is a staple of Canadian (Ontario in particular) cuisine. They have a menu, but there's no point; people order one of two options everytime.
1. Quarter chicken (white or dark, you need to specify) with fries
2. Chalet chicken sandwich (white or dark) with fries
And it somes with this dipping sauce that is AMAZING! St. Hubert in Quebec comes close, but Chalet Sauce is so good I could drink it straight from the little tiny bowl they give it to you in. My dad one time told me he got to see them make the Chalet Sauce and he said it was so gross it would be enough to turn you off eating forever. I need to stress this; I don't care if the sauce is made of people, I will keep eating it.

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? Pretty darn hosery. Everyone eats at Swiss Chalet in Canada. Everyone. There isn't one person I know who doesn't like it (well, maybe vegans). I rate this 3 Rita MacNeils (with good reason!)

Smarties
Smarties are M&Ms Canadian cousins. Except that they are 1000000x better. The chocolate inside doesn't taste like food stamps and Wal-Mart and the colours don't reflect that of the NASCAR logo. Also, smarties taste amazing when you put them in cookies.

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? Very hosery, but then again, so is the Mars bar. I rate this 2 parkas and a hospital vending machine.

Red River Cereal
Most of you are gagging just looking at this picture, aren't you? Red River is a grainy hot cereal that is sort of like a mix between Grits and Bird Seed. It tastes horrible on its own, but tastes delicious if you add a cup and a half of brown sugar to it. When I was little, my dad used to make a little nest of it in a bowl and in the middle of the nest he would put brown sugar, butter and cream. It is no mystery why I now have hypertension.

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? I rate this Seasons 1 through 3 of Corner Gas.

Beaver Tail
Finally, right? The Beaver Tail is native to Ottawa (Canada's Washington, where Canada's President lives) and is basically a giant piece of fried donut dough covered in cinnamon sugar. This sounds delicious, expecially since I have NEVER HAD ONE.

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? Very much so! This is as Canadian as maple syrup or hating your non-existant culture. I rate this 2 Margaret Atwoods and a box of Timbits.

1.16.2009

Canadian Food Tutorial

Yesterday I was researching a few vacation ideas at work for someone (yep. That's really the jist of my jerb) and after writing a bunch of bullshit like "a trip to Ottawa will make for many memories including skating on the Rideau Canal and touring the Mint. Don't forget to buy a Beaver Tail!" I realized...what the eff is a Beaver Tail?? So I got on the horn with Wikipedia and realized that there is a whole category of Canadian Food. What? We need a whole category?? I thought our weird food was limited to Beaver Tails and Poutine.

So now, won't you join me as I walk you through the weird, tasty, disgusting, and truly Canadian foodstuffs of the Great White North?

Peameal Bacon
I am told that in America, you call this Canadian Bacon, which seems so weird to me, since the bacon that most Canadian's eat is just regular strip bacon. Anywho, Peameal Bacon is lean, cured back bacon that has been rolled in cornmeal. Then you slice it and fry it and eat it with eggs or on a sammich. If you live in Toronto, you only buy your peameal bacon sandwiches at Open Window Bakery at St. Lawrence Market. If the Health Inspector ever closed it down, it would be like the 1977 NYC blackout - people would be looting and murdering people in the streets.

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? This shit is fairly Canadian, but they also have it in Ireland, and Americans know it by another name, so I rate this two beavers and a Geddy Lee.

Buttertart
I was truly shocked to learn that no one outside of Canada knows what a Buttertart is; they are so commonplace in Canada that on any given day in any city/town/trailerpark you can walk into a grocery store or a bakery or a fucking gas station and find a 6-pack of B-tarts for $4.99. They are made of simple tart shells (so, pie. Doye) filled with a brown-sugar, sort-of maple thick syrup. The top is nice and crusty. Sometimes they have pecans, walnuts, or (most disgustingly) raisins.

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? As much as Sir John A Macdonald's dick (it was rumoured that Buttertarts were his favourite!)

Caesar
You are first probably looking at this picture going "Clamato? The fuck is Clamato??" so I will explain. Mott's Clamato is the be-all and end-all for making a Caesar; it's tomato juice and clam juice. Mmm! Clam juice! Anyways, it's fucking unbelievably good. Okay, so how to make a Caesar...you first need to lemon up the rim of a tall glass (use a pint glass - you'll want to drink a lot of this shit). Then you rim the glass with celery salt (you can also buy Caesar Rimmer in Canada, and it's basically celery salt, salt, pepper, secret Hobo spices, and salt). Now take the glass and fill it up with ice. Then you pour Clamato all over ice and throw in a shot of Vodka (any kind will do). To that you add a few dashes of Tabasco and Worcestershire sauce, salt and pepper. Finish it off with a lime (my favourite) a few olives (another favourite of mine) or skewer a piece of sausage (nice if you want a snack). A Caesar truly drinks like a meal - also it's the perfect summer drink. Yes, it's sort of like a Bloody Mary, but 10000x better.

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? Pretty hoser-y, but I would rate this two nickels, the metric system, and a Celine Dion CD.

Chicken Balls
Again, I was stunned (STUNNED) to find out that Chicken Balls are native to Canada. I thought they came straight out of Hong Kong. Chicken Balls are pieces of dirty chicken that have about 1 solid inch of batter around them and they are a staple of dirty Chinese food buffets. They also usually come accompanied by this glowing-red sweet sauce. I don't know what the sauce is, but I'm pretty sure that it would survive Hiroshima. More than that, Chicken Balls are the bread-and-butter of Gweilo cuisine (that and chicken-fried rice). I don't think I have ever seen a Chinese person eating Chicken Balls. Ever.

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? Not really that much...they're more of a Food Found in Canada that is Supposed to be from China but Invented in Canada that Make Chinese-Canadians Gag.

Kraft Dinner
Lookee here! If it isn't Kraft Dinner's second appearance on The Skip-Raid! Kraft Dinner (aka KD aka Dirty D) is an actual block on the Healthy Food Guide Pyramid in Canada; it gets its own aisle in the supermarket and has a star on Canada's Walk-of-Fame. White trash moms in Canada are called KD-Qs (Kraft Dinner Queens).

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? Steve Nash dressed up as a Totem Pole.

Nanaimo Bars
Oh. My. God. Nanaimo Bars are so good (in case you are wondering, they are pronounced nan-EYE-mo). The bottom layer is a dry crumb base made from coacoa, coconut, ground nuts, and is sort-of bitter. Usually when people pick apart a Nanaimo bar they toss the bottom into the garbage. The top is obviously melted chocolate (milk or dark, but usually dark) and the middle is sweet, sweet vanilla icing. They are named after a town in British Columbia and are eaten everywhere (except by people who hate coconut...ie. my sister). And when I say they are sweet, I mean they make your teeth hurt. Old ladies really like Nanaimo bars. Also, the name is fun to say!

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? Very. Buttertarts are super popular in the East and Ontario, but west of Manitoba, Nanaimo bars are Cock of the Walk. I rate these to be a 3 kilos, 2 kilometers, and a celsius.

Poutine
This is the granddaddy of Canadian food. Poutine, which can be pronounced a multitude of ways (in English, poo-TEEN. En Francais, puh-TIN) but regardless of how you rape the language of your choice, this is a delicious meal. You begin with french fries, always plain, never curly or spicy. Then you cover it with cheese curds. Cheese curds are like chewy nuggets of mozzarella; I guess you could compare it to if you ripped up pieces of string cheese. Now when I say cover, I mean cover. Like, blanket the fries so you can't see them anymore. Now take hot, steamy beef gravy. In Canada, we call this brown gravy. It is salty and thick. Poutine is such that it raises your cholestoral 4 minutes into ingesting it. Sometimes, if you are very quiet, and you place your ear to a friend's chest while they are eating, you can hear their heart say (in a teeny-tiny whisper voice) "...I quit this bitch."

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? Poutine is such hoser-Canuck food, it's nonsense. I'm choosing to give Poutine a rating of a Family Pack of Timbits, -30 degree weather, and an autographed copy of Strange Brew on DVD.

1.15.2009

Lazy Ass Linkday

Yeah, I'm linking out today. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?? I thought I might also provide you with a fantastic picture of a Florida Grandma Kitty. Look at that little cigarette! Adorable!

Anyways, click here to read an amazing post on Cracked. It's 20 Celebrity Lives in Flowcharts. Enjoy! And don't forget to bundle up out there - it's minus 30 degrees in Canada (that's like Hoth, motherfuckers!)

1.14.2009

The Morning After: American Idol, The Biggest Loser, and Ruby

I thought I'd start your morning off with a little googly-eyed friend, just like my anthropomorphic Golden Globe. He's wearing a tie because he is headed straight to the top of the corporate ladder. Power lunches and DeLoreans.
So last night my roomate was like "what I don't understand is that you have a job and you have a life and you bake and everything and you still watch a crapload of television". Guilty as charged. I do watch a lot of television, but the way I explained it to her is this: I've always watched a lot of television. Since I was a kid, I got super good grades and had friends and took music lessons and did sports and shit. But I just also happened to watch a lot of sitcoms and Nick-at-Nite and SNL and stuff. It gave me a personality. Anyways, now I put in a healthy 6 hours a day. I also should stress that I work 8 hours a day too. I also should stress that I don't weigh as much as Ruby. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Moving on! Last night was the premiere of the 8th season of American WhoGivesAFuck Idol. I need to stress that I do not (I repeat NOT) watch AI that often; I only watch about the first 5 episodes. This is where they travel from city to city watching the auditions, digging up America's hidden talent, and unearthing America's most embarrassing, tone-deaf, watch your comments or this guy might come in shooting, singing losers. This week they were in Pheonix, Arizona (a place I would love to visit, but I'm afraid I don't do well in Apocalypse-like heat) and when I say they, I mean Randy, Paula, Simon, and the new one!! Her name is Kara DioGuardi and apparently she is a songwriter. I dunno, I lost interest in her backstory. Anyways, always entertaining, but I will start losing interest once they get to Hollywood.

I also watched The Biggest Loser last night, which is starting to seriously grow on me! I actually love watching the trainers push the fatties to their breaking point. EXCEPT last night it was actually super-sad; the elimination was between the oldest contestant (an old Grandpa named Jerry) and the youngest, fattest contestant (Dan is only 19 but weighed like 490 lbs). Anyways, everyone was SO TORN because they were like "both of these two need this show more than any of us". Anyways, they all ended up unanimously voting out Jerry because, as one of the contestants expressed, "he used to be thin, he has a wife and grandkids, and a great life. Dan has only known fat". Aw!! Sad!!! Anyways, Jerry ended up being eliminated and went home and then he lost like 100 lbs at home with his wife. Good for you, Jerry!!

Then I watched Ruby, which last week was my favourite show, but this week? Well, just like being on a diet in real life, it's fun and exciting for the first 2 days, but then you end up starving and cheating (and cheating for me meant changing the channel to watch Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane). Sorry Ruby, but I sort of don't care anymore. There's only so much "hey y'all, I'm starvin' y'all! I want some pizzas, y'all!" you can listen to without losing your mind.

1.12.2009

The 8 Billionth Golden Globe Awards

Oh my god, how cute does the Golden Globe award look with little googly eyes and a bikini! I would say it is a vast improvement, since the award itself is pretty crappy; it looks like a T-Ball trophy. And while were on the subject...has there ever been a sport more suited to the children of fuck-ups and retards than T-Ball?? I mean, you need to have more skill and dexterity to play 4-square, but you don't get trophies for that shit. I should know - I was amazing at 4-square. Moving on.

Last night was the 66th Golden Globe awards aka Almost the Oscars, but Not Quite. Of course I didn't watch it; Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was on, and you know I don't fuck around with that shit. I watch it every week, and for all the haters out there who are freely laughing at me from behind their monitors, you can go sit on a tack. I love Ty Pennington and his rag-tag team of empty liquor bottles and suspended licenses. (*Editor's Note: this is not hearsay - the man has a problem with drunk driving. Actually, I guess it's not really a problem...he's pretty good at it). Last night's episode was fantastic - the family really deserved their make over. I mean, all the families do, but you could totally tell that there was nothing phony about them, and that they are really decent people. I'll tell you which home makeovers chap my ass; the ones where the dad is stationed overseas with the army. YOU CHOSE THAT JOB!! The people who deserve it are the single mom who was working 2 jobs and going to school and who had 3 kids and then adopted her dying sister's 5 kids, or the mom and dad who have fostered over 200 kids with disabilities (aka the kids that, sadly, no one wants). BEFORE I GET HATE MAIL...I need to stress that yes, I support the troops. Their job is totaly crappy and here is a LOLcat that will settle this argument.

Where was I going with this again? Ah yes, the Golden Globes. Since the GGs sort of predict who the Oscar nominees are, I thought I would give a running commentary to a few of last night's category winners. Let's do this!

Best Drama: Slumdog Millionaire
I haven't seen it, but I have heard good things. Also, it's nice to see that The Overrated Case of Benjamin Button didn't win. Literally, the underdog won.

Best Comedy or Musical: Vicky Cristina Barcelona
First, can I say this; I really wish the Oscars did the same thing, have a category for a musical/comedy. Far too often really great movies are tossed aside like a prison salad just because the main character doesn't age backwards or some shit.
Second, how hyped am I for Woody Allen?? He has been getting some bad press as of late with a lot of people calling him a hack. I am very glad to see him win this.

Best Dramatic Actor and Best Comedic/Musical Actor: Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler) and Colin Farrell (In Bruges)
Everybody knew Mickey "9 1/2 Weeks" Rourke was going to win this, and I am pleased as punch. I have yet to see The Wrestler, but I do know that Sir Rourke needs this award to get his career back. But Colin Farrell winning?? Amazing! I love that guy!

Best Dramatic Actress and Best Comedic/Musical Actress: Kate Winslet (Revolutionary Road) and Sally Hawkins (Happy-Go-Lucky)
I honestly thought that Kate would get it for The Reader, because I have heard nothing good about Revolutionary Road (aka Remember Far From Heaven?)
UPDATE: Wikipedia was wrong! She did win for The Reader.
UPDATE 2: Holy shit, she won for both!!! She won Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress. HOMEGIRL IS ON FIRE!!
Also, Sally Hawkins is this year's Diablo Cody. There, I said it.

Best Anima...aw, fuck it, WALL-E won.

Best Dramatic Television Show: Mad Men
Doye

Best Comedic Television Show: 30 Rock
Oh god, dare I say it...30 Rock wasn't that good this year so far. Ouch, I'm sorry guys, but it really has been resting on its laurels lately. Did you watch the Jennifer Aniston episode? I just think that better shows have won in the past (case in point: Extras won last year. And Extras was brilliant with a capitol B).

Best Dramatic TV Actor and Best Comedic TV Actor: Gabriel Byrne (In Treatment) and Alec Baldwin (30 Rock)
I haven't seen In Treatment, so I can't comment on the quality of the work, but I am familiar with Gabriel Byrne being a great actor (and a dead ringer for Brian Ferry).
And in regards to Alec Baldwin winning again...take that, Kim Bass'inger!

Best Dramatic TV Actress and Best Comedic TV Actress: Anna Paquin (True Blood) and Tina Fey (30 Rock)
Anna Paquin is the shit: she used to be a child actress and then she didn't let it go to her head. She works hard and never rests on the Oscar she won when she was like, 8, or something. Lindsay Lohan, take note, you no-talent turd.
Oooh, I'm gonna regret this tomorrow (when I get a storm of hate-mail) but...I don't think Tina Fey deserved to win.
(Braces for a slap)
But after looking at the nominees, she obviously is the best. I mean, I love Christina Applegate, but is her role in Samantha Who? better than Liz Lemon? Nope.

And the rest... basically all you need to know is that John Adams mopped the floors with the rest of the TV nominees (4 Golden Globes, but 13 (13?!?) Emmys) and that HBO owns our asses.

So there you have it! That information should give you a leg-up in your office Oscar pool. But above all the winners and such, you know what I would have given my left hand for? The chance to be a fly on the wall of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's limo on the ride home. You know they were giving each-other so much cut-eye!!! They were both totally poised to win, and both walked away empty-handed. I bet that when they read the winner, Angelina Jolie stood up like Ben Stiller in Zoolander and then Brad had to be like "oooh...you better sit down before this gets weird". Also laughing hysterically over this? Jennifer Aniston and the dog who played Marley.

1.08.2009

Lady GaGa is a tard Lady GaGa is ADORABLE!!


Okay, so I have a tendancy to pre-judge things. SHOCKER! So when Lady GaGa came out, I just passed her sorry ass off as Blonde Katy Perry. Not sure why; there was just something about her look that says I didn't get enough attention as a child and now I'm taking it out on your eyes.

I dunno, I sort of tried to give Just Dance a chance, but I wasn't totally into it. She just seemed so fake. So when my sister sent me this video, I only chose to watch it cause she put "too cute" in the subject line. SPOILER ALERT! She wasn't lying; this is adorable! I naturally assumed that she was some manufactured cut-out of a human (like Sarah Palin), but she can actually play the piano, she has a great voice, and she did the impossible; she turned a super-catchy dance track into a very sweet, cute acoustic version.

So today I tip my hat to Lady GaGa; chances are she will be nothing more than a faint memory when 2010 comes rolling around. But for now, I wish her all the success she is receiving. Also, I urge her to save her pennies - don't go blowing your paycheques all at once, or you will be relegated to The Surreal Life 2013.

"You look fat in that."

This is not how I like to start my day, people. So I was walking to work (cause I'm trying to get healthy for 2009 aka No More McDonalds Breakfast...no matter how delicious a Sausage McMuffin is) and this guy passes me on the sidewalk and as he is out of my eye line he says, in a low-ass monotone:

You look fat in that.

Ex-fucking-scuse me?!? Who the shit says that to a stranger? Now, don't get me wrong - I live in a big city. Toronto is like lil'New York; the bums and crazies flock to the downtown core like the salmon of Capistrano. So usually when I walk by someone and they shout "You fucking bitch, give me a rainbow!" I can brush it off (they're crazy. It's like a dog giving you the cut-eye - pay no attention to it).

But this guy was dressed totally normal. Not hot (then I would have probably broke down crying) but just normal. Kind of like a 'new dad': dockers, Sun Ice winter coat from the 90's (his Glory Years) and a briefcase. I was kind of in shock; who actually says that out loud? Hell, I think shit like that all the time - my mind races like a greyhound when I leave my house and venture out into public. But I never actually go up to the woman sitting on the streetcar with the yelling baby and say "gee lady, thanks for reminding me to start using Birth Control again."

Regardless, I don't feel that I have to defend myself against some asshole, but let's play Devil's Advocate for a second, shall we? Here are some reasons why I might look fat in that (that being my winter coat).

1. It's winter, asshole!
In Toronto, the temperature is -5 degrees Celsius (23 degreed Farenheit to all my American readers) which isn't that bad, but with the windchill it makes it closer to -10. Add to that I plan on going out after work (dark = colder out side) so I decided to bundle up. Obviously I look fatter than I actually am...I am bundled up like a fucking sleddog.

2. I'm wearing an Eskimo coat, you asshole!
I just bought a new winter coat using Christmas money and I absolutely love it. I was searching forever for a really pretty Eskimo coat (click the link, but it's the wool kind with the fur around the collar and the embroidery). Mine is perfect - cream wool with cream and ginger fur around the hood, little furry pompoms that hang down, and the embroidery on the back has a scene of a deer and 2 grizzlies drinking at a stream. On one side at the front there is a fox and on the other side is a beaver. Ak-fucking-A it's amazing and I love it and I will wear this coat till the temperature jumps to 20 degrees. But moreover, the Eskimo coat isn't all for show - they are built to keep you warm during Canadian winters. Have you seen pictures of the Inuit recently? Not exactly Jessica Stams. They don't dress to get dicked, they dress to not freeze.

3. Everybody's fatter in the winter, you asshole!
It's science. In the winter months, mammals gain fatty weight to keep warm. Your dog does it, your kids do it, everybody gains weight. That's why it seems like you don't have to try that hard to lose weight in the summer - your body doesn't need it. So really, yeah, maybe I am a little bit fatter (I'm not fat, I just have a sweet hockey body) but I'm warm and my body is keeping me fat for a reason.

4. Of course I look fat, my coat is white, you asshole!
If What Not To Wear has taught me anything, it's that:
black = slimming
white = not as slimming as black, that's for damn sure
And my coat is solid off-white.

5. I'm almost 6-feet tall, you asshole!
You do realize that at my thinnest, I was a size 8. A size 8! I was a fucking twig, people! I could suck in my stomach and look like a greyhound! Obviously I'm a big person - tall and large. Ugh, I hate saying that cause it makes me sound like a massive monster, and I'm not, but I'm Eastern European - we are large people. I obviously have a much larger skeletal system than, let's say, a little Korean girl or a woman who just moved here from the Sudan. I was built for hard work, farming, staying warm, crushing capitalism, wearing headscarves, playing the accordion in the steerage hull of an ocean liner.

Anyways, I know I shouldn't give a rats ass, and I don't. I guess I'm just pissed that jagoffs like that are allowed to roam free. I certainly wish he gets stabbed in the eye.

1.07.2009

My Newest Obsession

Well, good morning to you all. I don't know what you did last night, but I will tell you what I did. I was watching Waitress in my bed at 7pm (I know, I'm a fucking party animal) and when it was over I was too lazy to turn off the television, so I submitted to the TV gods (aka Joel McHale) and just decided to watch whatever was on. I caught the tail end of The Biggest Loser, which is always motivational and inspiring and bla bla bla. The show only gets good when they have been in the house for a few weeks and are going through such aggressive Dorito withdrawl that they would rip the head off a kitten.

Anyways, after that came Ruby. Now, I had heard of Ruby before, and I just brushed it off as typical Life network fatsploitation, like the amazing 2-hour special on the world's fattest man, Manuel Uribe. NOT SO!! The show is all about Ruby Gettinger, a 473-lb woman from Savannah, Georgia. So, right away, she has an incredible accent and a severe addiction to grits-n-gravy. She lives with her friend Jeff, a social worker, and her nephew Jim. Jim's story almost made me cry; he was like "my parents got a cat and I'm allergic to cats so I decided to move in with my Aunt Ruby". But while he's saying that, he might as well be wearing a shirt that says "My parents are 99% sure I'm a Homer and they politely asked me to move the fuck out". Anyways, he is a little prince - he drives Ruby everywhere and does anything for her.

But the main thing with Ruby is that she is happy. Like, really, actually happy. She is only trying to lose weight and get healthy because her doctor told her she was gonna die. So now she is trying to eat better and work out a little (not too much - she doesn't want to die from getting healthy). Also, on last night's episode, her bff from LA came to visit and it was...JESSICA WAKEFIELD!! Yes, one of her very very good friends is Brittany Daniel (who also played Brandy in Joe Dirt, amazing). Anyways, it was so cool because she wasn't fake; she legitimately loves Ruby (that, or she legitimately needs some screen time cause her career is like a stalled car). That's another thing - nobody patronizes Ruby! They all actually treat her normal and totally love her and she's just another one of the girls. Except...you know...she has the mass of 3 girls, but that is neither here nor there.

Click here to read all about the characters and whatnot, but seriously? Ruby on Tuesday nights at 10pm are definitely my new thing.

If you watched Ruby last night, leave your comments in the comments (doye). I skipped Law & Order: SVU in order to watch Ruby, so I am sort-of stinging that I didn't get my Det. Stabler fix this week. Ah wells. Anyone want to fill me in on what I missed?

1.05.2009

Okay, maybe I have one New Years Resolution...

At the advice of my Doctor, family, friends, co-workers, The Centre for Disease Control, the crazy guy who sat in front of me on the streetcar, and a talking squirrel, I have decided to give up Diet Coke. The turning point for me was definitely the squirrel; everything else leading up to it was a little more than white noise and a minor hassle. Regardless of what was my rock bottom (you know, the point at which your life no longer has meaning and you know that you either get off the junk, or you face an uncertain future? You clearly need to watch more A&E's Intervention) I know that I either cut the DC, cold turkey, or I throw in the towel and choose to not have children. As you may have read in a previous post, it is my belief (which has yet to be disproved, btw) that my current intake of Diet Coke will either kill me, or my uterus, or both. I sort of would like to have kids some day, and I don't think that being placed in an iron lung because your insides have been decimated by Diet Coke leaves you with too much dignity, so it is with a heavy heart that I am not drinking the DC anymores.

I need to stress that this is NO FUCKING FUN. I am really shaky and am currently unable to focus my eyes for longer than 3 seconds. I am peeing a lot (is this a side effect?) and I am so cold. This isn't a joke people, I am actually like Millhouse Van Houten after he played with the monkey, sitting at my desk, rocking back and forth, muttering so cold...so...very cold...

You know what is a damn shame? That people who are addicted to cigarettes get gum and patches and shots and fake cigarettes (remember Margot Tenenbaum at the end of The Royal Tenenbaums?) and yet, people who are trying to give up Diet Coke (aka The Good Stuff aka Old Man Brown River aka High Fructose Dream Syrup aka Diddy C) don't have anywhere to turn. I can't go to Promises or Cirque Lodge in Utah. I can't call up Dr. Drew. So what do I do to cope? I have thought up a few decent ideas, but I need more, so here is what I have - you leave any suggestions you have in the comments, pls.

- Fill an empty Diet Coke can with water and place in the fridge. Drink the water out of the can. This way, I trick my brain into thinking I'm drinking delicious DC instead of shitty water.

- Reduce Diet Coke to a syrup on the stove in a sauce pan. Mix with petroleum jelly. Wear like lipgloss. Never kiss a boy again.

- Pour a shitload of hot sauce in a can of Diet Coke. Then I will burn my throat when I drink it, causing a Pavlovian effect. That, or I discover something even more delicious than Diet Coke and become twice as addicted.

- Switch from Diet Coke to real coke. Not the drink.

- Take up smoking.

- Sleep with the largest shareholders of Coca-Cola Inc. and convince them to invest in some dubious shit. Then watch as they lose all their money and have to sell off their shares of Diet Coke to the Japanese or something. Then the Japanese will move production to Osaka and we'll be left with Diet Pepsi (gross).

1.02.2009

My Wish to You for the New Year

Welcome to the second day of 2009, my friends! How are you all today? I was thinking about writing this yesterday, but honestly? Who was gonna read it? I know all you dumb skanks were at home nursing some pretty aggressive hangovers. Not me, though; I stayed in on New Years Eve, knitting and playing cards, sipping a bit of champagne at midnight, and then off to bed. Jokes, I was drunk as a skunk (a skunk that got into a heinous amount of beer, that is). Anyways, wont you join me by the fire for a moment whilst I talk the New Year? Shall we?

I have a few wishes for 2009 that I will sincerely be trying and working at this year. I don't like the term Resolution because it's the pointing finger of the word world. It's telling me that I have faults and need to fix said faults. I FIX NO FAULTS!! Regardless, here is what I would like to see in the New Year.

1. More TV critiques!
Ever since I moved into my new home, I have been watching more cable TV than I can imagine; the VH1 has been flowing like the salmon of Capistrano. The MTV hasn't stopped. Judge Judy is never not on. So this year I want to go back to my roots and do more Morning-After TV write-ups. There is a lot to look forward to, and trust - you'll be into it all!

Canada's Next Top Model starts in the summer, which will make for some great lo-budget (aka no-budget) TV. I can't wait!! It's been almost 2 years since we're had the ridiculous adventures of 10 Never-Was'es from the boonies of Canada. Hype!!

America's Next Top Model: Cycle 12
airs on March 4th. That means only 2 more months till Tyra is back and doing more batshit crazy antics than the patrons of your local methadone drop-in.

The third Season of Crotch of Love with Bret Michaels is supposed to start on Sunday. DOUBLE HYPE!!! I can't wait for this skagbag fest to begin! These hos are going to make the Season 1 ladies look like demure, classy Sunday School teachers.

Late this year (read: two weeks ago) I got into Celebrity Rehab and let me tell you...I am looking so forward to Celebrity Rehab Presents Sober House. This is gonna be amazing!! A Sober House is the place you go after rehab, but before you go back to your home/crack den/the groupie section of your tour bus. And guess what that means?? TEMPTATION!! That's right, there is gonna be 1000x more temptation to booze and get stoned than ever before. They should put a mole in the house, like some guy who keeps trying to give them pills and shit. He'll be all "hey guys, I'll make breakfast this morning! Here's your pancakes! Ps...you wanna go get high??" But you know why Sober House will really be worth watching? Two words: Andy Dick. Just thinking about Andy Dick gives me a severe hangover.

And who of you doesn't want a weekly re-cap of Brody Jenner's Bromance? Exactly. That is television gold right there, friends. I need to know who Brody picks as his new BFF? Note - I totally watched the Paris Hilton is My New BFF marathon before Christmas and I almost blew my brains out. Who the fuck actually watched that?? It was TERRIBLE!! And this is coming from someone who's favourite YouTube clip of the year was 3 minutes of popping a zit. What? Exactly.

2. Anti-Lowbrow Week is making its classy return!
I really enjoyed Anti-Lowbrow week. Some of you may not remember it, so go ahead and click here to see what I am talking about. As you recall, it only lasted like, 2 posts, but this time I really wanna make a go of it. So please, feel free to send me any ideas you may have or stuff you'd like me to write about. Remember - it has to be highbrow and classy. Ugh, this is gonna be the toughest week of my life. I should start planning it now, cause I am gonna run out of ideas fast.

3. BE NICER
I have been told, on several occasions, by many different, unbiased people, that I, The Mayor, am mean. Oooh, that gave me a chill!! I know that people say it in jest, and that they truly appreciate my caustic humor, but I really think I want to turn over a new leaf and not be such a bitch. From now on, all my jokes will be good-natured and...aw, who am I kidding? I can't do that. Here are the ways I will be nicer:

a) In the movie Doubt (which I saw yesterday, and yes, it was amazing) Philip Seymour Hoffman tells the story of a woman approaching the pastor of her church and confessing that she is a gossip, but that she isn't sure how to stop. He tells her to take a pillow up to her roof and to cut it open. She returned to him explaining that she did just that, and that there were feathers everywhere in the sky. He then told her to go out and collect every single feather. That is what gossip is. Once you spread it, there is no way to go back and collect it all - it's gone, and you created it. So with that, 2009 will bring less gossip. I care not to worry myself with stupid shit that is happening in other people's lives (unless it is something that is harmful to them, then obvies I will spill like beans).

b) I no longer give a shit about what people look like. If someone has a misshapen ass, then so be it. If someone chooses to wear the same fugly-ass earrings over and over again, then that's what they're gonna do. If someone should really skip the 8th layer of foundation when they put on their makeup, then that's their problem. I care not what people's appearances look like.

c) I will only use terms like bitch, ho, skag, slut, janky fuck, broke-ass, tard, turd, trash-hole, shitstain, jagoff, dipshit, trick, mark, trick-ass mark, mark-ass trick, piece of shit, low-life, dick bag, fucker etc. to describe the janky-ass marks on reality television, and no one in real life. I don't know if Lindsay Lohan is actually a broke-ass shitstain or not, but I do know that Heather from Crotch of Love is a trash-hole skag.

d) People are inherently good, and I need to start giving people the benefit of the doubt. I've had shit days, and I know I don't need a broke-ass ho on the Streetcar to give me the side-eye when I bump her arm as I sit down. So I should stop doing the same. Less side-eye/cut-eye.

4. Do more interviews!
Remember how last year it was my goal to interview one off the Sedarises? (aka Talent Family) and remember how I did NOTHING to make this happen?? I can't believe I dropped the ball on that one, but I did. I mean, I have no good excuse. I was trying to think of some, and they just never appeared. They all seemed trivial compared to the joy that interviewing David or Amy (aka My Fucking Heroes). So this year, I want to try to do an interview a month. I think I can handle this - all I need to do is get my shit together. Whoah, this just got heavy! It's gonna take fucking 1-800-GOT-JUNK for me to get my shit together. Anyways, I'm going to try to try to get an interview a month. Is there anyone in particular that you would like me to interview? Anyone you think is interesting? Lemme know and I'll be getting on it!

5. Be less of The Mayor, and more of myself.
I know this is very, very difficult to believe, but in real life, my name is not actually The Mayor. I know, right? You're shocked. But just like Slut Machine eventually came out to her readers as Tracie Egan, I might start being myself more. I just have no reason to hide behind a nickname anymore I think. Will you love me less? Will you love me more? Who knows. I don't know when I'll be ready to post a picture of myself (I kinda like my privacy. Also, I'm hideous. Kidding!) but at least you know a bit about me (mid-twenties, a girl, white, straight, broke-ass teefs). Anyways, we'll see what happens.

6. Actually do shit this year.
I need to get out and make more shit happen.

7. Don't fuck away volunteering.
So I can't really remember how much information I gave you guys on the volunteering I do every week, so here is a quick briefing. Please keep in mind that this is I, The Mayor, who does this, k?
- every Monday I go to a homeless drop-in/community outreach center after work for 2 hours and I help Junior High and Highschool students with their homework. Lots of them are ESL (English as a second language) and just need help getting their thoughts together. I mostly focus on History, English, Creative Writing, and Social stuff. Yes, I do it for free. No, it's not part of a parole thing. It's actually super fun - I love working with these kids cause I think I am showing them that homework isn't gay. The other tutors are a little older (and a little bit un-relateable) so I'm the youngest and I am able to teach them in a way they understand. One of my tutor'ees actually remembered all the shit I taught her about the 1920s a whole week later (that's like a year in teen years). Anyways, I need to make sure I don't drop the ball and stop going. It's way too easy to stop, cause life is busy and shit, and plans come up, but this is something I need to keep motivated at. I just wanna see these kids graduate - it's too easy to slip through the cracks. If I didn't have as pushy of parents as I did, I totally could see myself as a highschool dropout. I'm mad lazy and pretty indifferent, so it's a damn good thing my Mom and Pops did their job (aka Cracked the Whip). Anyways, maybe 2009 might bring some good stories from tutoring. A couple of weeks ago my kid asked me if he could be President of the US (he's from the Sudan). I explained to him that, no, neither he nor I could be the President of the US, cause we need to have been born in the US. But then I explained to him that both of us could totally be the Prime Minister of Canada, and that it's actually really easy if you want to work hard at it and all you need to do is be good at listening to people. He was actually interested and kept asking questions. Shit like that makes me happy.

8. Remember that it's you guys, my readers, who make this all happen.
This is the second year of The Skip-Raid and more and more of you start reading. I really can't thank you enough for all the support, funny comments, shitty comments, negative emails, emails with cool links in them, etc etc that you give me. I went through some dark-ass shit this year (getting attached to a cat, having the cat taken away from me, breaking up with my ltr, breaking up with his family, having a relative pass away who I was actually close with, kicking myself out of my house, finding a new house after being super rooted to the old one, being lonely, gaining weight, moving to another city, moving back to the old one, learning to live with two complete strangers) but I also went through some really great shit too (when my bff's friends accepted me as a friend and not just someone they'd have to put up with for a month, making friends with some old friends who I hadn't talked to in a long time, losing weight, having the cat in my new house 'adopt' me, discovering that my roommates are actually super cool and getting along with them, making friends with my waxer, seeing my Aunt start to live her life without her husband, my boss and cousin giving birth to babies that they truly deserve, the kindness of strangers, my 4-year-old cousin hugging me). So yeah, thanks for being there! Special thanks to Alex, Chris, Mummers and Pop-Pop (thanks for not being totally embarrassed of me), Jenn & Mandy, Ellie, Annie, Emily, David, and everyone else who thinks I'm not a total Fail.

I wish you all the best this weekend (first weekend of 2009!!) See you on Monday, friends!