The 8 Billionth Golden Globe Awards

Oh my god, how cute does the Golden Globe award look with little googly eyes and a bikini! I would say it is a vast improvement, since the award itself is pretty crappy; it looks like a T-Ball trophy. And while were on the subject...has there ever been a sport more suited to the children of fuck-ups and retards than T-Ball?? I mean, you need to have more skill and dexterity to play 4-square, but you don't get trophies for that shit. I should know - I was amazing at 4-square. Moving on.

Last night was the 66th Golden Globe awards aka Almost the Oscars, but Not Quite. Of course I didn't watch it; Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was on, and you know I don't fuck around with that shit. I watch it every week, and for all the haters out there who are freely laughing at me from behind their monitors, you can go sit on a tack. I love Ty Pennington and his rag-tag team of empty liquor bottles and suspended licenses. (*Editor's Note: this is not hearsay - the man has a problem with drunk driving. Actually, I guess it's not really a problem...he's pretty good at it). Last night's episode was fantastic - the family really deserved their make over. I mean, all the families do, but you could totally tell that there was nothing phony about them, and that they are really decent people. I'll tell you which home makeovers chap my ass; the ones where the dad is stationed overseas with the army. YOU CHOSE THAT JOB!! The people who deserve it are the single mom who was working 2 jobs and going to school and who had 3 kids and then adopted her dying sister's 5 kids, or the mom and dad who have fostered over 200 kids with disabilities (aka the kids that, sadly, no one wants). BEFORE I GET HATE MAIL...I need to stress that yes, I support the troops. Their job is totaly crappy and here is a LOLcat that will settle this argument.

Where was I going with this again? Ah yes, the Golden Globes. Since the GGs sort of predict who the Oscar nominees are, I thought I would give a running commentary to a few of last night's category winners. Let's do this!

Best Drama: Slumdog Millionaire
I haven't seen it, but I have heard good things. Also, it's nice to see that The Overrated Case of Benjamin Button didn't win. Literally, the underdog won.

Best Comedy or Musical: Vicky Cristina Barcelona
First, can I say this; I really wish the Oscars did the same thing, have a category for a musical/comedy. Far too often really great movies are tossed aside like a prison salad just because the main character doesn't age backwards or some shit.
Second, how hyped am I for Woody Allen?? He has been getting some bad press as of late with a lot of people calling him a hack. I am very glad to see him win this.

Best Dramatic Actor and Best Comedic/Musical Actor: Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler) and Colin Farrell (In Bruges)
Everybody knew Mickey "9 1/2 Weeks" Rourke was going to win this, and I am pleased as punch. I have yet to see The Wrestler, but I do know that Sir Rourke needs this award to get his career back. But Colin Farrell winning?? Amazing! I love that guy!

Best Dramatic Actress and Best Comedic/Musical Actress: Kate Winslet (Revolutionary Road) and Sally Hawkins (Happy-Go-Lucky)
I honestly thought that Kate would get it for The Reader, because I have heard nothing good about Revolutionary Road (aka Remember Far From Heaven?)
UPDATE: Wikipedia was wrong! She did win for The Reader.
UPDATE 2: Holy shit, she won for both!!! She won Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress. HOMEGIRL IS ON FIRE!!
Also, Sally Hawkins is this year's Diablo Cody. There, I said it.

Best Anima...aw, fuck it, WALL-E won.

Best Dramatic Television Show: Mad Men

Best Comedic Television Show: 30 Rock
Oh god, dare I say it...30 Rock wasn't that good this year so far. Ouch, I'm sorry guys, but it really has been resting on its laurels lately. Did you watch the Jennifer Aniston episode? I just think that better shows have won in the past (case in point: Extras won last year. And Extras was brilliant with a capitol B).

Best Dramatic TV Actor and Best Comedic TV Actor: Gabriel Byrne (In Treatment) and Alec Baldwin (30 Rock)
I haven't seen In Treatment, so I can't comment on the quality of the work, but I am familiar with Gabriel Byrne being a great actor (and a dead ringer for Brian Ferry).
And in regards to Alec Baldwin winning again...take that, Kim Bass'inger!

Best Dramatic TV Actress and Best Comedic TV Actress: Anna Paquin (True Blood) and Tina Fey (30 Rock)
Anna Paquin is the shit: she used to be a child actress and then she didn't let it go to her head. She works hard and never rests on the Oscar she won when she was like, 8, or something. Lindsay Lohan, take note, you no-talent turd.
Oooh, I'm gonna regret this tomorrow (when I get a storm of hate-mail) but...I don't think Tina Fey deserved to win.
(Braces for a slap)
But after looking at the nominees, she obviously is the best. I mean, I love Christina Applegate, but is her role in Samantha Who? better than Liz Lemon? Nope.

And the rest... basically all you need to know is that John Adams mopped the floors with the rest of the TV nominees (4 Golden Globes, but 13 (13?!?) Emmys) and that HBO owns our asses.

So there you have it! That information should give you a leg-up in your office Oscar pool. But above all the winners and such, you know what I would have given my left hand for? The chance to be a fly on the wall of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's limo on the ride home. You know they were giving each-other so much cut-eye!!! They were both totally poised to win, and both walked away empty-handed. I bet that when they read the winner, Angelina Jolie stood up like Ben Stiller in Zoolander and then Brad had to be like "oooh...you better sit down before this gets weird". Also laughing hysterically over this? Jennifer Aniston and the dog who played Marley.


alex davey illustrations said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Mayor said...

I will be re-posting the deleted comment, as it was amazing:

"Bahahaha Aniston and the dog who played Marley sitting on the couch in their pjs getting high and eating icecream, lauging their asses.... "The Other One" "Anngu--Angelina Jole"
TWO STRIKES against Saint Angie"

You people and your hilarious comments cannot escape me. I'm like Vishnu.

elle said...

Is there any argument that can't be settled by a lolcat?

elle said...

Aside: i think i just went a little (more) retarded reading the comments under that lolcat. Lolspeak ftw!

The Mayor said...

I know, I tried reading it but it looked like the ramblings of a psychotic cat-lady, so I stopped