ANTM Cycle 12: The Fugly Dozen

Okay, so in a few short weeks Ten-Head Tyra will be bringing the crazy (yet again) and presenting us with her next batch of Sears Catalogue rejects. I, for one, am pumped. Why? Because Cycle 11 was such a massive dose of Ambien and I think the producers felt the backlash; does anyone even know where McKey is now?? I'm gonna guess at a UFC fight...selling beers at the concession stand (hello, do you not remember how she was all into rasslin? At least she has that dream to fall back onto, right?)

So when I was told that Cycle 12 pictures had been released, I was like Ralphie with my Little Orphan Annie Secret Decoder Pin. Are you ready to meet this season's ragtag group of special-needs squirrels? Let's do this!

Ugh, this bitch is hurting for a makeover. I had that same haircut in Grade 10. I have a feeling that Allison will be gone-zo in the first or second week; she just looks so boring. I refuse to donate any more time talking about her for fear my brain will atrophy.

Why is she dressed up like Beyonce's stunt-double from Austin Powers in Goldmember? You know you've got problems when you base your "look" off the shittiest character from the shittiest film of an already shitty franchise.

Jesus, Celia, take it easy - is there a reason why I'm getting so much cut-eye from you?? I feel like at any moment Celia's gonna launch at me with a thick Kennesaw accent "fack yoo, beey'ich, I ain't taking no pitsirs fer nobodies".

That outfit is whack. Fo'sho.

Ugh, who let the bartender from Whiskey-a-Gogo audition? I feel like the producers found this gem when they haplessly wandered into a Forever 21 and asked if they had any Meth-addicted Single Moms who still live at home and love to "party hard" with the boys.

This girl is smoking hot; if I actually cared what the hell I looked like, this would probably be the look I would go for. She is like a mixed-race Angelina Jolie. The only bad thing I have to say is about her shirt; that thing is TRAGIC.

Jesus Christ Kortnie, Why So Serious? Are you looking at that eyebrow?? But forget about that wonk-ass eyebrow for a second; can we not all agree that the stupid-name-having orange-skin-being sorority-skank tard look is dunzo?

'Ello, guvnah! Might I interest you in a heaping-helpin' of Downs Syndrome? Shine yor shoes for a nickle I wills!

Could she be any more bored? It's like she's putting in community service hours (being on ANTM counts. It's in the helping people with special needs volunteeing section. I checked. My probation officer advised me to choose the Senior's Centre because it was less frustrating and the elderly were far more coherant than Tyra).

What is going on with her boobs in this shot? It looks like she's modeling a cone-bra from the 1950s.

Sandra is straight-up Grace Jones fierce. Ew, did I just use the term fierce? I will be counting down to makeover time because HOMEGIRL NEEDS TO FIX THAT HAIR.

Bitch, this is America's Next Top Model, not America's Next Top Stay-At-Home Mom. Where are they finding these rejects? (Answer: the grocery store)

Can we check this one for a penis? Kthanks.


Jenn L said...

Sandra is by far the prettiest in these pictures. and she should win based on these photos alone. agreed though her hair needs le help.

do these girls never look at fashion magazines? how come none of them ever know how to get dressed properly? it does not take much money to do it, you just need hot jeans and a hot t-shirt or tank top. done.

Alice said...

I'm gonna cast my vote for Jessica, cause she's the spitting image of my cousin Alissa.

But some of them...woof.

And I am so over people naming their kids stupid names - please stop.

Anonymous said...

I agree...Sandra and Jessica FTW

fester said...

Fester like Kortnie.

tylerface said...

Serious. She's fucking crazy.

Jenna said...

You might be the greatest person who ever lived. And this blog belongs in the blogger hall of fame.

Anonymous said...

I hear you talking shit about every one of these girls... I bet you are a 350 pound bitch with a beard! Get a life! You got the guts to talk the shit, but not to do what their doing. "I dont want to be like those girls,,, Im just jealous!" Where is your picture? You better be wearing a nice shirt and your eyebrows better not be cocked too high or Ill rat on your ass! If you hate them so much why do you care about it???

Yeah its anonymous so punch me bitch!

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