Canadian Food Tutorial Pt. 2

Hey Guys! How was your weekend? Now that thats out of the way, it's time for me to wallow in my own self crapulence. My weekend was SHITTY. I got super sick with a horrible cold right after work on Friday. Great timing God, I owe you one. Since I was bedridden (yeah, it was one of those kinds of colds - where you are shivvery and achey and so sleepy all the damn time) I didn't get to go to Monster Jam, I was forced to watch endless hours of E! True Hollywood Story, and I also added insult to injury by discovering that my passport expires 2 weeks before I go on vacation (PS - I'm going on an AMAZING trip that will be profiled everyday on The Skip-Raid. More to come about that later).

So since I am still the physical representation of a Thumbs Down, I have decided to continue with Friday's post on Canadian Foods. I realized (thanks to the comments) that I never really touched on what a Beaver Tail is, and that there are a lot more foods I could have mentioned. So let's do this! Let's get down on Part Two!!

Ketchup Chips
I cannot BELIEVE that they don't sell ketchup chips in the states. I mean, they are the most delicious flavour! I know that they sell ketchup chips in England, but they are dirt nasty. One time my ex-bf bought a huge bag of Herrs Ketchup Chips (although I think they were called Catsup Crisps) and THEY WERE NOT DELICIOUS. Now, I have included 3 bag images above to school you that not all KCs are the same. The first is Lays, arguably the most popular and well-known of the chips. I personally HATE these. They used to be delicious until Lays fucked with their recipes (their Dill Pickle chips now too taste like assholes). The second is Old Dutch, which are good in a pinch; you will usually find these at gas stations and Hospital vending machines. The third is Humpty Dumpty aka White Trash Chips. Oh my god, I LOVE these! The taste is perfect; they also do a stellar Dill Pickle and their Salt and Vinegar is TO DIE FOR.

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? Pretty Hosery I guess, but we really aren't known for our chips. I would rate this a beaver and a moose mating (a Meaver).

Swiss Chalet
Oh my god, how much do we love our Swiss Chalet?? Just like Kraft Dinner, Swiss Chalet is a staple of Canadian (Ontario in particular) cuisine. They have a menu, but there's no point; people order one of two options everytime.
1. Quarter chicken (white or dark, you need to specify) with fries
2. Chalet chicken sandwich (white or dark) with fries
And it somes with this dipping sauce that is AMAZING! St. Hubert in Quebec comes close, but Chalet Sauce is so good I could drink it straight from the little tiny bowl they give it to you in. My dad one time told me he got to see them make the Chalet Sauce and he said it was so gross it would be enough to turn you off eating forever. I need to stress this; I don't care if the sauce is made of people, I will keep eating it.

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? Pretty darn hosery. Everyone eats at Swiss Chalet in Canada. Everyone. There isn't one person I know who doesn't like it (well, maybe vegans). I rate this 3 Rita MacNeils (with good reason!)

Smarties are M&Ms Canadian cousins. Except that they are 1000000x better. The chocolate inside doesn't taste like food stamps and Wal-Mart and the colours don't reflect that of the NASCAR logo. Also, smarties taste amazing when you put them in cookies.

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? Very hosery, but then again, so is the Mars bar. I rate this 2 parkas and a hospital vending machine.

Red River Cereal
Most of you are gagging just looking at this picture, aren't you? Red River is a grainy hot cereal that is sort of like a mix between Grits and Bird Seed. It tastes horrible on its own, but tastes delicious if you add a cup and a half of brown sugar to it. When I was little, my dad used to make a little nest of it in a bowl and in the middle of the nest he would put brown sugar, butter and cream. It is no mystery why I now have hypertension.

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? I rate this Seasons 1 through 3 of Corner Gas.

Beaver Tail
Finally, right? The Beaver Tail is native to Ottawa (Canada's Washington, where Canada's President lives) and is basically a giant piece of fried donut dough covered in cinnamon sugar. This sounds delicious, expecially since I have NEVER HAD ONE.

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? Very much so! This is as Canadian as maple syrup or hating your non-existant culture. I rate this 2 Margaret Atwoods and a box of Timbits.


Jenn L said...

#1 get yourself an f-ing beaver tale.

#2 i totally agree with the smarties thing, WAY better than m&m's

The Mayor said...

I forgot to talk about Tiny Toms!!!

festser said...

what about Florida gator?!

Jules said...

Oh, beaver tails are like elephant ears in the states. Except that you can only get elephant ears at state fairs and those fly-by-night amusement park ride things (you know, the ones which mysteriously set up in a parking lot for a week and then disappear).

I like M&Ms better than Smarties - Smarties taste like chalky ass.

You should also mention winegums. Mmmmm. Winegums.

Chris said...

I never truly knew ketchup chips until I ate Herrs ketchup chips.

Also, Swiss Chalet Messy Chicken Sandwich! I like how they stick some overcooked vegetables on the side, just so you don't feel too bad about consuming an entire plate of gravy with a white bread chicken sandwich floating in the middle.

Eric said...

Wait, I'm confused. If Smarties in Canada are just fake M&Ms than what do you call these in Canada:


The Mayor said...

OH MY GOD!!! in Canada, those are called Rockets, not Smarties!!

I always have a bowl of Rockets at my desk for UPS guys and fellow employees.