Canadian Food Tutorial

Yesterday I was researching a few vacation ideas at work for someone (yep. That's really the jist of my jerb) and after writing a bunch of bullshit like "a trip to Ottawa will make for many memories including skating on the Rideau Canal and touring the Mint. Don't forget to buy a Beaver Tail!" I realized...what the eff is a Beaver Tail?? So I got on the horn with Wikipedia and realized that there is a whole category of Canadian Food. What? We need a whole category?? I thought our weird food was limited to Beaver Tails and Poutine.

So now, won't you join me as I walk you through the weird, tasty, disgusting, and truly Canadian foodstuffs of the Great White North?

Peameal Bacon
I am told that in America, you call this Canadian Bacon, which seems so weird to me, since the bacon that most Canadian's eat is just regular strip bacon. Anywho, Peameal Bacon is lean, cured back bacon that has been rolled in cornmeal. Then you slice it and fry it and eat it with eggs or on a sammich. If you live in Toronto, you only buy your peameal bacon sandwiches at Open Window Bakery at St. Lawrence Market. If the Health Inspector ever closed it down, it would be like the 1977 NYC blackout - people would be looting and murdering people in the streets.

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? This shit is fairly Canadian, but they also have it in Ireland, and Americans know it by another name, so I rate this two beavers and a Geddy Lee.

I was truly shocked to learn that no one outside of Canada knows what a Buttertart is; they are so commonplace in Canada that on any given day in any city/town/trailerpark you can walk into a grocery store or a bakery or a fucking gas station and find a 6-pack of B-tarts for $4.99. They are made of simple tart shells (so, pie. Doye) filled with a brown-sugar, sort-of maple thick syrup. The top is nice and crusty. Sometimes they have pecans, walnuts, or (most disgustingly) raisins.

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? As much as Sir John A Macdonald's dick (it was rumoured that Buttertarts were his favourite!)

You are first probably looking at this picture going "Clamato? The fuck is Clamato??" so I will explain. Mott's Clamato is the be-all and end-all for making a Caesar; it's tomato juice and clam juice. Mmm! Clam juice! Anyways, it's fucking unbelievably good. Okay, so how to make a Caesar...you first need to lemon up the rim of a tall glass (use a pint glass - you'll want to drink a lot of this shit). Then you rim the glass with celery salt (you can also buy Caesar Rimmer in Canada, and it's basically celery salt, salt, pepper, secret Hobo spices, and salt). Now take the glass and fill it up with ice. Then you pour Clamato all over ice and throw in a shot of Vodka (any kind will do). To that you add a few dashes of Tabasco and Worcestershire sauce, salt and pepper. Finish it off with a lime (my favourite) a few olives (another favourite of mine) or skewer a piece of sausage (nice if you want a snack). A Caesar truly drinks like a meal - also it's the perfect summer drink. Yes, it's sort of like a Bloody Mary, but 10000x better.

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? Pretty hoser-y, but I would rate this two nickels, the metric system, and a Celine Dion CD.

Chicken Balls
Again, I was stunned (STUNNED) to find out that Chicken Balls are native to Canada. I thought they came straight out of Hong Kong. Chicken Balls are pieces of dirty chicken that have about 1 solid inch of batter around them and they are a staple of dirty Chinese food buffets. They also usually come accompanied by this glowing-red sweet sauce. I don't know what the sauce is, but I'm pretty sure that it would survive Hiroshima. More than that, Chicken Balls are the bread-and-butter of Gweilo cuisine (that and chicken-fried rice). I don't think I have ever seen a Chinese person eating Chicken Balls. Ever.

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? Not really that much...they're more of a Food Found in Canada that is Supposed to be from China but Invented in Canada that Make Chinese-Canadians Gag.

Kraft Dinner
Lookee here! If it isn't Kraft Dinner's second appearance on The Skip-Raid! Kraft Dinner (aka KD aka Dirty D) is an actual block on the Healthy Food Guide Pyramid in Canada; it gets its own aisle in the supermarket and has a star on Canada's Walk-of-Fame. White trash moms in Canada are called KD-Qs (Kraft Dinner Queens).

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? Steve Nash dressed up as a Totem Pole.

Nanaimo Bars
Oh. My. God. Nanaimo Bars are so good (in case you are wondering, they are pronounced nan-EYE-mo). The bottom layer is a dry crumb base made from coacoa, coconut, ground nuts, and is sort-of bitter. Usually when people pick apart a Nanaimo bar they toss the bottom into the garbage. The top is obviously melted chocolate (milk or dark, but usually dark) and the middle is sweet, sweet vanilla icing. They are named after a town in British Columbia and are eaten everywhere (except by people who hate coconut...ie. my sister). And when I say they are sweet, I mean they make your teeth hurt. Old ladies really like Nanaimo bars. Also, the name is fun to say!

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? Very. Buttertarts are super popular in the East and Ontario, but west of Manitoba, Nanaimo bars are Cock of the Walk. I rate these to be a 3 kilos, 2 kilometers, and a celsius.

This is the granddaddy of Canadian food. Poutine, which can be pronounced a multitude of ways (in English, poo-TEEN. En Francais, puh-TIN) but regardless of how you rape the language of your choice, this is a delicious meal. You begin with french fries, always plain, never curly or spicy. Then you cover it with cheese curds. Cheese curds are like chewy nuggets of mozzarella; I guess you could compare it to if you ripped up pieces of string cheese. Now when I say cover, I mean cover. Like, blanket the fries so you can't see them anymore. Now take hot, steamy beef gravy. In Canada, we call this brown gravy. It is salty and thick. Poutine is such that it raises your cholestoral 4 minutes into ingesting it. Sometimes, if you are very quiet, and you place your ear to a friend's chest while they are eating, you can hear their heart say (in a teeny-tiny whisper voice) "...I quit this bitch."

HOW HOSER-IFIC IS IT? Poutine is such hoser-Canuck food, it's nonsense. I'm choosing to give Poutine a rating of a Family Pack of Timbits, -30 degree weather, and an autographed copy of Strange Brew on DVD.


Jack Gordon said...

Seriously, you just solved a musical mystery for me -- the late 90's one-hit wonder Len's "Steal My Sunshine" has a reference to "butter tarts" and I had no idea wtf that meant . . . sort of wrote it off as a drug reference or something. Gracias, Mayor!

Jenn L said...

wow #1 how do you not know what a beaver tale is? they are amazing.

#2 buttertarts are canadian!!! no idea. love a store bought btart. none of that homemade crap.

Anonymous said...

Smarties and dirty Ketchup Chips are also uniquely Canadian.

Marina said...

WTF.. you don't put pickle juice in your Caesar????? Just put a few spoonfuls in there.. You really should be. Also.. I never thought of it before.. but old ladies really DO like nanimo bars. (I think I spelled it wrong since its underlined red, but its not coming up on my Americanized spell checker. That, or it has no clue what they are. Damn)

Tina said...

You hate raisins too? I like you that much more now.

ilana said...

You never explained beaver tails... now I'll never understand!

elle said...

BeaverTails: www.beavertailsinc.com

Wow, i had a butter tart (sans raisins, of course, they are disgusting), poutine, nanaimo bar and beavertail this week. Working arteries are overrated.

Sean said...

Actually the buttertart has a close cousin in the united states the ever yummy pecan pie.

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Toodaloo said...

Smarties are BRITISH! Trust.

Tsfee said...

The middle of a Nanaimo bar isn't vanilla icing, it's a sort of custard.

And I only made butter tarts with a filling OTHER than raisins this past Christmas. It was a compromise for my Southern in-laws. They really, really liked them. Spread the love!