My Wish to You for the New Year

Welcome to the second day of 2009, my friends! How are you all today? I was thinking about writing this yesterday, but honestly? Who was gonna read it? I know all you dumb skanks were at home nursing some pretty aggressive hangovers. Not me, though; I stayed in on New Years Eve, knitting and playing cards, sipping a bit of champagne at midnight, and then off to bed. Jokes, I was drunk as a skunk (a skunk that got into a heinous amount of beer, that is). Anyways, wont you join me by the fire for a moment whilst I talk the New Year? Shall we?

I have a few wishes for 2009 that I will sincerely be trying and working at this year. I don't like the term Resolution because it's the pointing finger of the word world. It's telling me that I have faults and need to fix said faults. I FIX NO FAULTS!! Regardless, here is what I would like to see in the New Year.

1. More TV critiques!
Ever since I moved into my new home, I have been watching more cable TV than I can imagine; the VH1 has been flowing like the salmon of Capistrano. The MTV hasn't stopped. Judge Judy is never not on. So this year I want to go back to my roots and do more Morning-After TV write-ups. There is a lot to look forward to, and trust - you'll be into it all!

Canada's Next Top Model starts in the summer, which will make for some great lo-budget (aka no-budget) TV. I can't wait!! It's been almost 2 years since we're had the ridiculous adventures of 10 Never-Was'es from the boonies of Canada. Hype!!

America's Next Top Model: Cycle 12
airs on March 4th. That means only 2 more months till Tyra is back and doing more batshit crazy antics than the patrons of your local methadone drop-in.

The third Season of Crotch of Love with Bret Michaels is supposed to start on Sunday. DOUBLE HYPE!!! I can't wait for this skagbag fest to begin! These hos are going to make the Season 1 ladies look like demure, classy Sunday School teachers.

Late this year (read: two weeks ago) I got into Celebrity Rehab and let me tell you...I am looking so forward to Celebrity Rehab Presents Sober House. This is gonna be amazing!! A Sober House is the place you go after rehab, but before you go back to your home/crack den/the groupie section of your tour bus. And guess what that means?? TEMPTATION!! That's right, there is gonna be 1000x more temptation to booze and get stoned than ever before. They should put a mole in the house, like some guy who keeps trying to give them pills and shit. He'll be all "hey guys, I'll make breakfast this morning! Here's your pancakes! Ps...you wanna go get high??" But you know why Sober House will really be worth watching? Two words: Andy Dick. Just thinking about Andy Dick gives me a severe hangover.

And who of you doesn't want a weekly re-cap of Brody Jenner's Bromance? Exactly. That is television gold right there, friends. I need to know who Brody picks as his new BFF? Note - I totally watched the Paris Hilton is My New BFF marathon before Christmas and I almost blew my brains out. Who the fuck actually watched that?? It was TERRIBLE!! And this is coming from someone who's favourite YouTube clip of the year was 3 minutes of popping a zit. What? Exactly.

2. Anti-Lowbrow Week is making its classy return!
I really enjoyed Anti-Lowbrow week. Some of you may not remember it, so go ahead and click here to see what I am talking about. As you recall, it only lasted like, 2 posts, but this time I really wanna make a go of it. So please, feel free to send me any ideas you may have or stuff you'd like me to write about. Remember - it has to be highbrow and classy. Ugh, this is gonna be the toughest week of my life. I should start planning it now, cause I am gonna run out of ideas fast.

I have been told, on several occasions, by many different, unbiased people, that I, The Mayor, am mean. Oooh, that gave me a chill!! I know that people say it in jest, and that they truly appreciate my caustic humor, but I really think I want to turn over a new leaf and not be such a bitch. From now on, all my jokes will be good-natured and...aw, who am I kidding? I can't do that. Here are the ways I will be nicer:

a) In the movie Doubt (which I saw yesterday, and yes, it was amazing) Philip Seymour Hoffman tells the story of a woman approaching the pastor of her church and confessing that she is a gossip, but that she isn't sure how to stop. He tells her to take a pillow up to her roof and to cut it open. She returned to him explaining that she did just that, and that there were feathers everywhere in the sky. He then told her to go out and collect every single feather. That is what gossip is. Once you spread it, there is no way to go back and collect it all - it's gone, and you created it. So with that, 2009 will bring less gossip. I care not to worry myself with stupid shit that is happening in other people's lives (unless it is something that is harmful to them, then obvies I will spill like beans).

b) I no longer give a shit about what people look like. If someone has a misshapen ass, then so be it. If someone chooses to wear the same fugly-ass earrings over and over again, then that's what they're gonna do. If someone should really skip the 8th layer of foundation when they put on their makeup, then that's their problem. I care not what people's appearances look like.

c) I will only use terms like bitch, ho, skag, slut, janky fuck, broke-ass, tard, turd, trash-hole, shitstain, jagoff, dipshit, trick, mark, trick-ass mark, mark-ass trick, piece of shit, low-life, dick bag, fucker etc. to describe the janky-ass marks on reality television, and no one in real life. I don't know if Lindsay Lohan is actually a broke-ass shitstain or not, but I do know that Heather from Crotch of Love is a trash-hole skag.

d) People are inherently good, and I need to start giving people the benefit of the doubt. I've had shit days, and I know I don't need a broke-ass ho on the Streetcar to give me the side-eye when I bump her arm as I sit down. So I should stop doing the same. Less side-eye/cut-eye.

4. Do more interviews!
Remember how last year it was my goal to interview one off the Sedarises? (aka Talent Family) and remember how I did NOTHING to make this happen?? I can't believe I dropped the ball on that one, but I did. I mean, I have no good excuse. I was trying to think of some, and they just never appeared. They all seemed trivial compared to the joy that interviewing David or Amy (aka My Fucking Heroes). So this year, I want to try to do an interview a month. I think I can handle this - all I need to do is get my shit together. Whoah, this just got heavy! It's gonna take fucking 1-800-GOT-JUNK for me to get my shit together. Anyways, I'm going to try to try to get an interview a month. Is there anyone in particular that you would like me to interview? Anyone you think is interesting? Lemme know and I'll be getting on it!

5. Be less of The Mayor, and more of myself.
I know this is very, very difficult to believe, but in real life, my name is not actually The Mayor. I know, right? You're shocked. But just like Slut Machine eventually came out to her readers as Tracie Egan, I might start being myself more. I just have no reason to hide behind a nickname anymore I think. Will you love me less? Will you love me more? Who knows. I don't know when I'll be ready to post a picture of myself (I kinda like my privacy. Also, I'm hideous. Kidding!) but at least you know a bit about me (mid-twenties, a girl, white, straight, broke-ass teefs). Anyways, we'll see what happens.

6. Actually do shit this year.
I need to get out and make more shit happen.

7. Don't fuck away volunteering.
So I can't really remember how much information I gave you guys on the volunteering I do every week, so here is a quick briefing. Please keep in mind that this is I, The Mayor, who does this, k?
- every Monday I go to a homeless drop-in/community outreach center after work for 2 hours and I help Junior High and Highschool students with their homework. Lots of them are ESL (English as a second language) and just need help getting their thoughts together. I mostly focus on History, English, Creative Writing, and Social stuff. Yes, I do it for free. No, it's not part of a parole thing. It's actually super fun - I love working with these kids cause I think I am showing them that homework isn't gay. The other tutors are a little older (and a little bit un-relateable) so I'm the youngest and I am able to teach them in a way they understand. One of my tutor'ees actually remembered all the shit I taught her about the 1920s a whole week later (that's like a year in teen years). Anyways, I need to make sure I don't drop the ball and stop going. It's way too easy to stop, cause life is busy and shit, and plans come up, but this is something I need to keep motivated at. I just wanna see these kids graduate - it's too easy to slip through the cracks. If I didn't have as pushy of parents as I did, I totally could see myself as a highschool dropout. I'm mad lazy and pretty indifferent, so it's a damn good thing my Mom and Pops did their job (aka Cracked the Whip). Anyways, maybe 2009 might bring some good stories from tutoring. A couple of weeks ago my kid asked me if he could be President of the US (he's from the Sudan). I explained to him that, no, neither he nor I could be the President of the US, cause we need to have been born in the US. But then I explained to him that both of us could totally be the Prime Minister of Canada, and that it's actually really easy if you want to work hard at it and all you need to do is be good at listening to people. He was actually interested and kept asking questions. Shit like that makes me happy.

8. Remember that it's you guys, my readers, who make this all happen.
This is the second year of The Skip-Raid and more and more of you start reading. I really can't thank you enough for all the support, funny comments, shitty comments, negative emails, emails with cool links in them, etc etc that you give me. I went through some dark-ass shit this year (getting attached to a cat, having the cat taken away from me, breaking up with my ltr, breaking up with his family, having a relative pass away who I was actually close with, kicking myself out of my house, finding a new house after being super rooted to the old one, being lonely, gaining weight, moving to another city, moving back to the old one, learning to live with two complete strangers) but I also went through some really great shit too (when my bff's friends accepted me as a friend and not just someone they'd have to put up with for a month, making friends with some old friends who I hadn't talked to in a long time, losing weight, having the cat in my new house 'adopt' me, discovering that my roommates are actually super cool and getting along with them, making friends with my waxer, seeing my Aunt start to live her life without her husband, my boss and cousin giving birth to babies that they truly deserve, the kindness of strangers, my 4-year-old cousin hugging me). So yeah, thanks for being there! Special thanks to Alex, Chris, Mummers and Pop-Pop (thanks for not being totally embarrassed of me), Jenn & Mandy, Ellie, Annie, Emily, David, and everyone else who thinks I'm not a total Fail.

I wish you all the best this weekend (first weekend of 2009!!) See you on Monday, friends!


Marina said...

That was a nice posting! I spent my new years day on, and over the toilet (I'm sure you were totally interested in knowing that bit). And it was not self induced by drinking which is the worst part. I had the worst flu ever, and was wishing that it was just a hangover. UGH. I'm almost back to normal now. I guess it was my bodys way to cleaning house for the new year. Yippy! Happy New Year!

alex davey illustrations said...

this post was a yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.
Oh don't worry, I always yawn when I'm interested.

Bostongrl said...

#3 on your list is definitely something I need to work on, too... I love being a sarcastic asshole more than Maury loves paternity tests, but sometimes even I think I take it too far. Time to set some limits, dammit!
PS- love the skip-raid...can't wait for all the new stuff :)

sachafierce said...

i luv the skipraid!!!!!!! keep up the good stuff i got all my grls adicted to ur blog!

and girl I no ur prob with diet coke, luv it!!! But u gotta quit it! Sounds like its affecting u!

emily said...

a couple things:
- wtf happened to antm this year...who won?
- i think that is pretty fantastic you do that volunteering. that automatically counteracts your being "mean" as i think your mean is funny and beneficial to most of humankind
- my waxer moved back to romania or wherever and i need a good one. i'd pay you in DC can art if you help me out and share who you know!