Okay, maybe I have one New Years Resolution...

At the advice of my Doctor, family, friends, co-workers, The Centre for Disease Control, the crazy guy who sat in front of me on the streetcar, and a talking squirrel, I have decided to give up Diet Coke. The turning point for me was definitely the squirrel; everything else leading up to it was a little more than white noise and a minor hassle. Regardless of what was my rock bottom (you know, the point at which your life no longer has meaning and you know that you either get off the junk, or you face an uncertain future? You clearly need to watch more A&E's Intervention) I know that I either cut the DC, cold turkey, or I throw in the towel and choose to not have children. As you may have read in a previous post, it is my belief (which has yet to be disproved, btw) that my current intake of Diet Coke will either kill me, or my uterus, or both. I sort of would like to have kids some day, and I don't think that being placed in an iron lung because your insides have been decimated by Diet Coke leaves you with too much dignity, so it is with a heavy heart that I am not drinking the DC anymores.

I need to stress that this is NO FUCKING FUN. I am really shaky and am currently unable to focus my eyes for longer than 3 seconds. I am peeing a lot (is this a side effect?) and I am so cold. This isn't a joke people, I am actually like Millhouse Van Houten after he played with the monkey, sitting at my desk, rocking back and forth, muttering so cold...so...very cold...

You know what is a damn shame? That people who are addicted to cigarettes get gum and patches and shots and fake cigarettes (remember Margot Tenenbaum at the end of The Royal Tenenbaums?) and yet, people who are trying to give up Diet Coke (aka The Good Stuff aka Old Man Brown River aka High Fructose Dream Syrup aka Diddy C) don't have anywhere to turn. I can't go to Promises or Cirque Lodge in Utah. I can't call up Dr. Drew. So what do I do to cope? I have thought up a few decent ideas, but I need more, so here is what I have - you leave any suggestions you have in the comments, pls.

- Fill an empty Diet Coke can with water and place in the fridge. Drink the water out of the can. This way, I trick my brain into thinking I'm drinking delicious DC instead of shitty water.

- Reduce Diet Coke to a syrup on the stove in a sauce pan. Mix with petroleum jelly. Wear like lipgloss. Never kiss a boy again.

- Pour a shitload of hot sauce in a can of Diet Coke. Then I will burn my throat when I drink it, causing a Pavlovian effect. That, or I discover something even more delicious than Diet Coke and become twice as addicted.

- Switch from Diet Coke to real coke. Not the drink.

- Take up smoking.

- Sleep with the largest shareholders of Coca-Cola Inc. and convince them to invest in some dubious shit. Then watch as they lose all their money and have to sell off their shares of Diet Coke to the Japanese or something. Then the Japanese will move production to Osaka and we'll be left with Diet Pepsi (gross).


Annie said...

ohh good for you!! you are leaving me all alone with my original dc addiction (this shit has been going on since grade 8). I personally resolved not to resolve to drink less, mainly because I just really love it....but I definitely agree that something bad will come of this habit! So good for you!!

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