"You look fat in that."

This is not how I like to start my day, people. So I was walking to work (cause I'm trying to get healthy for 2009 aka No More McDonalds Breakfast...no matter how delicious a Sausage McMuffin is) and this guy passes me on the sidewalk and as he is out of my eye line he says, in a low-ass monotone:

You look fat in that.

Ex-fucking-scuse me?!? Who the shit says that to a stranger? Now, don't get me wrong - I live in a big city. Toronto is like lil'New York; the bums and crazies flock to the downtown core like the salmon of Capistrano. So usually when I walk by someone and they shout "You fucking bitch, give me a rainbow!" I can brush it off (they're crazy. It's like a dog giving you the cut-eye - pay no attention to it).

But this guy was dressed totally normal. Not hot (then I would have probably broke down crying) but just normal. Kind of like a 'new dad': dockers, Sun Ice winter coat from the 90's (his Glory Years) and a briefcase. I was kind of in shock; who actually says that out loud? Hell, I think shit like that all the time - my mind races like a greyhound when I leave my house and venture out into public. But I never actually go up to the woman sitting on the streetcar with the yelling baby and say "gee lady, thanks for reminding me to start using Birth Control again."

Regardless, I don't feel that I have to defend myself against some asshole, but let's play Devil's Advocate for a second, shall we? Here are some reasons why I might look fat in that (that being my winter coat).

1. It's winter, asshole!
In Toronto, the temperature is -5 degrees Celsius (23 degreed Farenheit to all my American readers) which isn't that bad, but with the windchill it makes it closer to -10. Add to that I plan on going out after work (dark = colder out side) so I decided to bundle up. Obviously I look fatter than I actually am...I am bundled up like a fucking sleddog.

2. I'm wearing an Eskimo coat, you asshole!
I just bought a new winter coat using Christmas money and I absolutely love it. I was searching forever for a really pretty Eskimo coat (click the link, but it's the wool kind with the fur around the collar and the embroidery). Mine is perfect - cream wool with cream and ginger fur around the hood, little furry pompoms that hang down, and the embroidery on the back has a scene of a deer and 2 grizzlies drinking at a stream. On one side at the front there is a fox and on the other side is a beaver. Ak-fucking-A it's amazing and I love it and I will wear this coat till the temperature jumps to 20 degrees. But moreover, the Eskimo coat isn't all for show - they are built to keep you warm during Canadian winters. Have you seen pictures of the Inuit recently? Not exactly Jessica Stams. They don't dress to get dicked, they dress to not freeze.

3. Everybody's fatter in the winter, you asshole!
It's science. In the winter months, mammals gain fatty weight to keep warm. Your dog does it, your kids do it, everybody gains weight. That's why it seems like you don't have to try that hard to lose weight in the summer - your body doesn't need it. So really, yeah, maybe I am a little bit fatter (I'm not fat, I just have a sweet hockey body) but I'm warm and my body is keeping me fat for a reason.

4. Of course I look fat, my coat is white, you asshole!
If What Not To Wear has taught me anything, it's that:
black = slimming
white = not as slimming as black, that's for damn sure
And my coat is solid off-white.

5. I'm almost 6-feet tall, you asshole!
You do realize that at my thinnest, I was a size 8. A size 8! I was a fucking twig, people! I could suck in my stomach and look like a greyhound! Obviously I'm a big person - tall and large. Ugh, I hate saying that cause it makes me sound like a massive monster, and I'm not, but I'm Eastern European - we are large people. I obviously have a much larger skeletal system than, let's say, a little Korean girl or a woman who just moved here from the Sudan. I was built for hard work, farming, staying warm, crushing capitalism, wearing headscarves, playing the accordion in the steerage hull of an ocean liner.

Anyways, I know I shouldn't give a rats ass, and I don't. I guess I'm just pissed that jagoffs like that are allowed to roam free. I certainly wish he gets stabbed in the eye.


alex davey illustrations said...

It's true people, if you havn't seen the mayor in person, this is the first ever posted picture of her. check the link!

The Mayor said...

Oh yeah, that's me for sure. I love posing in my underwear, Glamour Shots-styles.

emily said...

maybe the guy was actually walking by a window and caught his reflection and said it to himself because he realizes the best of his life is past him and that he is just a guy who is out of touch and has kids with a woman who used to be something special and he is tired of showing up at work with his kid's snot on his shirt and he is fed up with his office job because douches 15 years younger than him are making more money, wearing better clothes and getting hot women...just like he used to.

The Mighty J said...

Ditto what Emily said (mostly beacuse I couldn't think of anything creative like her story and partly because I wholly agree with her comments)

restless in regina said...

Maybe it was an ill-conceived pickup line and he meant "you look PHat in that!"

Pennycroft said...

Jeez, Mayor, don't you know that you *must* dress like Jessica Stams, no matter how far below zero it is? Real women dress to please men like that. Hypothermia is in.